Horror messes with my mind

[Cobalt]

I became very depressed at a young age and it turned my world upside-down. I haven’t been so good on a mental level, but I’ve always been fairly smart and aware of my troubles and their causes. But there is something that I need to express as I’ve never been perfectly sure how to deal with it.

I know of a lot of children who enjoy horror movies and other similar things. I’ve found myself listening to kids as young as 10 (and sometimes less) talking to me about the latest horror movie they’ve seen and the one they’re planning to see next, yet all so casually. They then ask their mothers for a particular DVD collection that goes way past their age, and it is happily provided to them.

I used to judge this negatively, but I know of just as many adults who were exposed to similar products as children and they turned out fine.

Then, however, there is me, somebody who was usually denied such content, dragged away from any sign of it. As a child, I was probably too ‘protected’ by my mother, and it complicated many things.

Cutting to the point, I have serious issues when I am exposed to certain forms of ‘entertainment’. I tell myself it isn’t real, but graphic and disturbing movies (primarily in the form of horror) affect my mind in a bad way. Probably not desensitised and far too isolated in my life, my paranoia takes over and I become strange in my thoughts and actions.

Some people could watch a horror movie and then have trouble sleeping. I’ll watch a horror movie and will become so disturbed that I'll want to kill people. It distresses me, and the more stressed and concerned it makes me, the stronger the urge to create certain problems. My mind cannot tolerate it. I simply cannot deal with it. It’s slightly different when the audio isn’t there. I don’t know why, but I can handle watching a fictional character being butchered a little bit more if the audio isn’t there, since sound seems to have a major impact on me. I could be disturbed by the sounds of a horror movie without there being any images. Again, I don’t know the cause of that.

I’ve been criticised over this in the past, particularly by ex girlfriends who couldn’t understand it and had a problem with it. They’d experiment with me and lure me into watching things I don’t like, before criticising me after it.

The logical thing for me to do is avoid this stuff, but sometimes I feel a need to expose myself to it, hoping that by doing so I will somehow become immune to it. I’ve already had issues with feeling suicidal and homicidal in my teenage years. I’ve faced many challenges. It’s sad to say but unlike other kids, I wasn’t able to grow up and stop believing in those monsters in the dark. I’m still paranoid about them, and that’s the thing, I know the movies are fictional, yet there is a part of my mind that believes otherwise as though I’m watching the real thing.

But what is also strange with me is that I also have an ‘attachment’ to dark and intimidating things… certain music, actions, collectibles, etc. I have a love and hate for it.

I don’t want to be that one idiot that goes on the news as being negatively influenced by a movie and committing certain deeds, and I think it’s unlikely, but these movies still mess with my head. I don’t necessarily want to kill certain, specific people, yet I’ll see myself brutally murdering them if exposed to any entertainment that projects similar visions. It all has an OCD-like effect, repeating in my brain. This actually reminds me of a very important point. There is sometimes the urge to commit a certain deed in order to get it out of the way. For example, if I killed a person I loved, my mind suggests the thoughts would stop because there would no longer be a fear of killing them as I'd have made it impossible by doing it. The thought of doing it is eradicated as the scenario would have been completed. There is also this issue where my head wants to experience the horrific emotions triggered from a brutal crime, simply because I don't like those emotions. For example, I don't want to see my loved ones expressing such fear and emotion, yet because I don't like it a part of my brain wants to experience it and pass it.

I sometimes think there is a split personality issue (though I doubt it), simply because it’s like a different side of my personality begins to emerge in these darker moments, but it’s all rather complex.

Could anybody share some advice on what might be the best way for me to handle this problem? Should I just detach myself from horror and the like completely or force myself to experience it in order to desensitise myself? It just concerns me that it might not desensitise me and could instead drive me insane.

Funnily enough, I was recently arranging to get help with things, but there was a certain process involved, my doctors get on my nerves, and so I just ignored it. I'm starting to regret that.

[Clint Cora]

You have to find the right doctors whom you get along with - that's your right. Once you do find somebody compatible you can work with, don't ignore them. They are there to help.

As for horror movies, if they are not your cup of tea, then yes, avoid them. I don't watch them either.

[Merr]

I'm not sure it's such a good idea to keep watching them. If watching horror movies fuels your rage and makes you want to kill people when you didn't feel like it before you watched the movie, why do it? I feel scared, disgusted and a whole range over other uncomfortable emotions after watching a horror movie which I didn't even enjoy when it was on. If you feel like there are deeper underlying issues, deal with the issues. If you ask yourself WHY you react this way, why you feel homicidal etc, then you'll benefit more than if you keep watching movies and feel homicidal. To me, watching thrse movies is tantamount to sticking your fingers into a fire repeatedly. You keep doing it, you know it hurts, but sticking your fingers into it repeatedly won't tell you why it hurts. It seems to me like you need to talk through the issues with someone until you get an answer that resonates.

[Cobalt]

Thanks for your responses, especially as I created such a long post.

I find it all rather awkward in that my inability to tolerate and enjoy horror movies is often thought of as abnormal, while enjoying them is considered normal. I suppose it comes back down to the fact that people realise they are watching a fictional movie, while my own mind gets pulled in a lot deeper into what I'm seeing. It may not be real, but it doesn't look fake, and I don't find it entertaining. But people expect me to enjoy it. I can't tell you how many times people have pressured me into watching these things, putting me down if I don't. I try my best to warn them of what those movies do to me, but it isn't until I'm acting strangely that they begin to pay attention, and that's when I'm criticised all over again.

A lot of doctors and the like have let me down over the years. A lot of them also want to stick me with pills, which is not something I'll accept (although I did once and nothing came of it as the doctors forgot all about it).

I guess I'll talk to another doctor again soon and I'll see if I can get myself a good psychiatrist. But, in the end, I stop and I say one thing...

I need to talk to a psychiatrist because I don't enjoy watching people being brutally murdered?

It makes no sense.

[Merr]

Could it be that over time you've become resentful about feeling like you're forced to watch something you don't want to? If so, that's certainly something that could trigger what sounds like anger. I think there may be a wider issue here that people around you have tended to make you feel as though you're powerless. If you watch horror movies when you don't want to, I'm guessing that you may do other things that you don't want to because it's seen as the 'norm.'

I like the issue you've raised here about watching horror movies versus not watching them and the normality of it. I dislike them. Clint Cora has indicated he dislikes them. I'd wager that an awful lot of people dislike them. So I think that liking horror movies is normal. I think that disliking horror movies is normal. What scares people is your response to them. If you were startled or demonstrated fear, some people would make fun of you but they wouldn't feel uncomfortable. Wanting to kill people after you've seen a horror movie isn't what most people would consider to be 'normal' and it will make them feel uncomfortable. You have said that you feel like you want to kill people. Have you ever physically attacked someone, picked up a knife or acted on it in anyway or did it just fade away once the images from the film did?

There's another possibility as well. You talked about fears of monsters in the darkness. It could be that the horror films do scare you and you're afraid to admit that. Instead, you create thought patterns which make you feel more powerful and stop you from being the victim. I don't know.

Whatever the reason, I think that you should just stay away from the horror movies.

[Cobalt]

Merr, you have raised some interesting points.

You mentioned different possibilities, yet those possibilities still came down to one matter, and that is 'power'.

The only times I've physically attacked people is when put under certain pressures, isolated in a corner. I'm not confrontational, and I display nerves, but behind closed doors I am aware of certain aspects of myself I do not express to others. When put under certain pressures, I've snapped to the point that everything has become a blur, and the person causing me problems has then fallen to an extremely aggressive side of me. However, I don't think this is anything out of the ordinary, as those were times in which I felt bullied or actively and physically threatened. But I do often wonder what would happen at this stage in my life, after everything, if provoked and forced into that point of 'snapping'. I always think of myself as being physically inferior and weak, yet deep down I fear I could go too far if I were to 'snap'. I don't know if maybe those fictional horror movies reflect a fear of what I could actually do to somebody if my emotion was forced into a corner.

Over the years, most of the harm has been directed at myself. Additionally, rather than physically, I would mentally attack and toy with a person. Interestingly enough, I suppose that's how I would feel when watching those movies, as though they were mentally attacking and toying with my mind. I suppose it's like me putting people in a similar situation, and I've done it, but only in those moments in which I'd feel distraught. It's like welcoming them to my perspective of it all.

But I think you've touched upon a powerful point. I think there is a 'power' issue there. I've always felt weak and intimidated by the world, especially on a physical level. I've often considered the idea that enjoying my pain would make me strong, that it would somehow distance threats as people feel helpless in situations they cannot control. If they cannot hurt me and I'm smiling, even if they're beating me to death, somehow I feel I gain something. And look at how horror works. You don't have to be, for example, 7ft tall and muscular to intimidate somebody. You could be a small, bloody, female ghost who drags herself across the floor and that would make practically every human of any size and any nature vomit and black out in fear. The point is, the power level completely shifts in an unordinary way. The being that, in some sense, would be 'inferior' becomes the power in control.

I guess I don't like to admit that I live in fear, and horror movies and violence disturb me. They show powerful figures and fierce scenarios with which I don't think I could contend.

But when you think of the anger of being "forced" to do something, people mocking me, me being afraid, your point really stands out to me:

'Instead, you create thought patterns which make you feel more powerful and stop you from being the victim.'

However, there are still deeper issues. The fact that I've been afraid by things lurking in the dark for my entire life shows my mind is not all there. I've discussed 'noises at night' with others and it intrigues me how they feel about it. They all act the same, concerned that any noises at night could represent a human breaking in their home (a fair thought), while I don't fear somebody breaking in my home, I fear the noises are something else entirely, something I have no way of conquering.

[Merr]

Indeed. The horror movies are actually irrelevant in that sense. What's relevant is the power you feel that you don't have. Your way of regaining power is to become capable of being physically intimidating towards others. Creatures in horror movies are things that you don't feel like you have any way of defending yourself against. The people in your life insisting that you should watch horror movies are people you end up feeling like you need to defend yourself against.

Your mind has created a very powerful way for you to defend yourself. Therefore it seems to me like now that you're aware of this issue, you can create other powerful ways of defending yourself. In terms of the horror movies, as you don't even enjoy them, there seems to be no need to watch them. What would be the consequences of refusal? In terms of previous girlfriends tricking you, is there any way out once you have been tricked?

In terms of fearing things that don't really exist, I don't see this as being any different to horror movies and whether or not you don't like them. I strongly suspect that lots of people had these fears as children and some people still have these fears as adults. Do you feel like you can't defeat ghosts/monsters/etc because people tell you that they don't really exist and that therefore you can't defeat something that isn't real? Or because the portrayal in horror movies suggests that some things cannot be defeated?

Whether or not these creatures are real or not to other people is irrelevant. They are real to you and that's what matters. Do you think they could represent other things/people you're afraid of? Regardless, I would suggest that you allow yourself to be afraid and accept the reality of these creatures and resolve to fight them. If you believe that they can exist, you can also believe that you have the ability to fight them. I'm not a fan of horror movies but I've seen a few where the 'monster' has been defeated. Although I don't think that there's much to be gained by watching horror movies, it might be useful (in your head) to go over the scenes where they're defeated by a particular character in the end. Perhaps, you could turn yourself into the powerful character and defeat the monster.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Cobalt

I need to talk to a psychiatrist because I don't enjoy watching people being brutally murdered?

Nope. You need to talk to a psychiatrist because watching people being brutally murdered puts thoughts in your head about brutally murdering people.

I absolutely hate horror movies. My husband likes them. So he watches them when I am not at home, or when I am at home, I go read a book in bed and ask him to turn the volume down.

Another thing you migth want to work on is your boundaries. You say you don't like them, you say you don't want to watch them.... so why are you watching them?

Why are you giving in to other peoples thoughts and pressure?

[Cobalt]

Originally Posted by ssandra

You say you don't like them, you say you don't want to watch them.... so why are you watching them?

Why are you giving in to other peoples thoughts and pressure?

I guess I don't like the fact that if I refuse to watch them, people look at me as being weak or being a 'wuss' as some people might call it. That again goes back to the power issue, it seems.

I don't want to watch them, but I hope that by watching them I'd become immune to them.

@Merr, I suppose it's possible that these monsters and characters could represent different fears/people, which I feel I'd defeat, or at least match, should I build an immunity there.

But here is an interesting piece of the puzzle. I remember in my teenage years feeling as though my pain and emotions were my only strength, despite being a weakness. Feeling as though I was physically weak and helpless, I felt that my emotional state (allowing me the ability to go 'crazier' than most other people) was my only tool to defeat somebody should I need to protect myself or others. I actually used to say to my mother that I felt I would be completely weak without it, full of fear, and without any way of defending myself.

The above could have carried on, developing into this whole 'horror' issue.

[truant]

Cobalt, let me reassure you: there is nothing wrong with you. What you have are some negative beliefs and some bad mental habits. I recommend you get professional help, but allow me to provide some additional insight into your problem.

First of all: your beliefs. You have one or more beliefs that create a sense of powerlessness, that you are at the mercy of outside events, that there are people and beings that seek to do you harm and that you must protect yourself from them. This is not true. You are in control of your experience. Whenever you feel fearful, affirm the following beliefs: "I am in control of my experience. There is nothing outside of myself that I need to fear. I do not need to protect myself because there is nothing to protect myself from but my own fear." Attempting to counter your fears by, say, working out or learning martial arts will only reinforce the idea that you are at the mercy of external events and that you need to defend yourself. This is not true. Relax. Breathe deeply. You are safe.

You also have a nagging doubt about your ability to control your actions, at least when prompted by violent and fearful sounds and imagery. This is also not true. You are in control. I know these thoughts and feelings can be disturbing but they can be managed and even eradicated.

What you have is a strong association between these sounds and images and the idea of losing control. This association is fueled by the beliefs I mentioned earlier about being a separate, vulnerable individual at the mercy of external powers and forces. Your fear and frustration add 'juice' to the association, giving it its disturbing quality. Every time this experience is repeated, the association is strengthened and you become more afraid of repeating it. This is very common for OCD sufferers. You can address this issue by tackling both ends of the problem: the beliefs that create the conditions in which this experience occurs, and the strength of the association to the stimuli which induce it.

The first tactic I have already discussed. The second tactic is to change the association path. Currently, when encountering certain sounds and images, your mind instantly makes an association with losing control and your fear of harming or being harmed by others. When this happens, say to yourself: "Yes, my mind has created this association but that's all it is. It doesn't have any meaning. It's a Pavlovian reaction, like hearing a bell and salivating." This is, in fact, true. It's an unfortunate association which you have created, but it is no different from any other association. It disturbs you because, being a compassionate person, you do not want to hurt anyone or yourself but the beliefs associated with the stimuli make you feel like you could lose control. You won't. Psychopaths don't feel any remorse about killing, and don't dislike thoughts about killing. Your thoughts disturb you because you are not a psychopath. What you have is an illness which consists of unfortunate associations in your thinking.

Once you have identified and correctly diagnosed the nature of these thoughts, gently turn your attention to other things. Think about something pleasant, like eating ice cream on a beach or reading in your favorite chair, something with mild, pleasant emotions. (Sometimes, thinking about sex helps, but that depends on your preferences.) Note that when you are thinking about these other things, you are not ill. You are only ill when thinking about losing control. This is important. At first, you will have difficulty rerouting your thoughts from violence to pleasantries and there will be a tendency to revert back to your prior associations. This is normal. Continue the exercise. Every time you have violent thoughts, acknowledge them, realize that they have no real worth, and turn your thoughts to something else. Over time, you will find it easier and easier to direct your thoughts productively and the episodes will lose their strength and frequency. The goal is to be healthy for longer and longer periods and ill for shorter and shorter periods. Eventually, the associations will fade and you will discover that it takes stronger and stronger stimuli to get a reaction from you. You may find that things that used to trigger you no longer have any effect. This is not speculative: this is grounded in the plasticity of the brain and I have verified it for myself first hand, so I know that it works.

It is important that you address your beliefs. The desensitization process I described will work, but it will be much, much more effective if you start reassuring yourself about your inherent safety and security. You are in control. You are not at the mercy of others. You are safe. If it helps, visualize yourself surrounded by an intense white light which destroys all negative energies. You may find other strategies that work better for you. The important thing for you to realize is that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you; you just have an association which causes you distress. That association can be eliminated by creating new associations. Over the course of your life, you have completely forgotten about many things which you once believed to be quite important. This association can be one of those things. Identify it, change it, and move on.

[Self Exploration]

When you say "it effects my mind in a bad way," sounds like you hurt over your response. I assume there is some sadness or fear about your response. That is the key, the path, the thread to be followed.

The sharing here is also a fantastic route to clarifying the issues.

In other words, pay attention to your feelings here. There is wisdom in them.

[Cobalt]

Thank you all for taking time to share advice, something I do appreciate as it is entirely of your own will.

What I find interesting is that these conversations expose hidden aspects of my mind. It seems a part of me is becoming 'protective' when I read your thoughts and suggestions. It seems that it is willing to sacrifice a healthier mind state in order to feel stronger in physical situations.

I can feel myself acknowledging that I'm probably safe from, for example, paranormal entities, but I cannot seem to shed my physical concerns. I would like to share an example of these thoughts.

A physically powerful man is caught in a fight, and he wins that battle. A physically weak man is caught in a fight, but being mentally powerful, he manages to elude the entire battle. A man, perhaps weak, mentally distraught and emotional, is caught in a fight but wins as his animalistic mentality drives him to survive. Then there is the fear of what I would become - A physically weak man with a mentality that is healthy but without any 'driving force', unable to lose is temper or gather a sufficient emotional drive, is caught in a fight against a stronger opponent. How in the world does he win?

There are no guarantees in life, especially when it comes to surviving in a fight. People fight, but I understand that no one individual is usually fighting day after day, and often it results in both sides being arrested. Many factors come into play, including multiple opponents, weapons, revenge, etc. Nothing is guaranteed, but one thing I know is that males are very competitive and often looking and waiting for trouble as I have directly experienced. I became a nervous wreck at an early age and people would walk all over me, but only until they'd go too far. When they'd go too far, I would snap and cause them damage. I would actually make people fear me, simply because so few others had that option to lose it to the extent I could. Because of that, I've never lost a fight. But as a male who is no longer a teenager, times have changed, and it seems I am highly dependant on my 'ability to snap' to protect me. There is no guarantee it would help me, but it has often been known in life that people with mental difficulties and the ability to 'snap' have been able to fight multiple people at once and survive. They may not be physically superior, but their minds have a very powerful driving force.

I fear conflict. I don't want it, but I expect it on a daily basis and I feel so powerless and helpless. I don't want people to walk over me. As a human, I have the right to tell somebody to back the hell off should they cause problems, but my problem is being able to back it up should they not choose to back off. Based on my physical appearance, I can guarantee you they won't back off. So, what do I do? Do I just let people treat me like crap? It's difficult.

Horror inflicts fear to an insane degree in me. I hate it, yet a part of me seems to desire it for some sort of survival tool. Clearly, I have more than one problem.

It gets even more difficult because horror was just an example, being the worst movies tend to be, but I sometimes have problems even with movies children are allowed to watch. For example, there was some Asian movie on recently, set in older times. It was a movie for a younger audience, but still suggested parental guidance. I noticed a point when an innocent lady was being whipped and her back was bleeding. It was very brief, but it really agitated me and I could feel emotion rising through me seeing and hearing this character's distress. For the most part, the distress came from the audio, rather than the imagery. Viewers would acknowledge it was a bad moment, but the emotion I felt was a bit too extreme. Yet again, the emotion I felt would probably make sense in a real-life situation, but not for a movie.

[votoshka]

I have always had a fascination for horror, even though in real life I am generally a fairly gentle person (I rescue bugs and spiders for example ). I grew up watching horror and reading horror novels all the time (although I've curbed this a lot in recent years). My husband hates horror and doesn't see the point, so generally if I get an urge for a good horror, I watch it and he doesn't!

I am not sure if watching or not watching horror while growing up has a big effect or not. Although, I do know a few people who could watch horror as teens, who just can't watch it now at all.

I try to keep a moderate view with my kids, simply because I don't think that watching horror when I was younger messed me up to any great degree! However, the only child who's really "old" enough (IMO) to watch any horror, hates it more than his dad and just won't watch it at all. The younger two have some fascination, but I do think they're too young (and I'm really basing this on my experience... at 13 I could handle scary horror...at 10 I couldn't).

As for you... there is NOTHING wrong with avoiding horror, and girlfriends etc. who trick you into watching it are being unreasonable. You should be able to choose what you watch, and shouldn't be forced into watching something that disturbs you or messes with you psychologically.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by Cobalt

Thank you all for taking time to share advice, something I do appreciate as it is entirely of your own will.

What I find interesting is that these conversations expose hidden aspects of my mind. It seems a part of me is becoming 'protective' when I read your thoughts and suggestions. It seems that it is willing to sacrifice a healthier mind state in order to feel stronger in physical situations.

I can feel myself acknowledging that I'm probably safe from, for example, paranormal entities, but I cannot seem to shed my physical concerns. I would like to share an example of these thoughts.

A physically powerful man is caught in a fight, and he wins that battle. A physically weak man is caught in a fight, but being mentally powerful, he manages to elude the entire battle. A man, perhaps weak, mentally distraught and emotional, is caught in a fight but wins as his animalistic mentality drives him to survive. Then there is the fear of what I would become - A physically weak man with a mentality that is healthy but without any 'driving force', unable to lose is temper or gather a sufficient emotional drive, is caught in a fight against a stronger opponent. How in the world does he win?

There are no guarantees in life, especially when it comes to surviving in a fight. People fight, but I understand that no one individual is usually fighting day after day, and often it results in both sides being arrested. Many factors come into play, including multiple opponents, weapons, revenge, etc. Nothing is guaranteed, but one thing I know is that males are very competitive and often looking and waiting for trouble as I have directly experienced. I became a nervous wreck at an early age and people would walk all over me, but only until they'd go too far. When they'd go too far, I would snap and cause them damage. I would actually make people fear me, simply because so few others had that option to lose it to the extent I could. Because of that, I've never lost a fight. But as a male who is no longer a teenager, times have changed, and it seems I am highly dependant on my 'ability to snap' to protect me. There is no guarantee it would help me, but it has often been known in life that people with mental difficulties and the ability to 'snap' have been able to fight multiple people at once and survive. They may not be physically superior, but their minds have a very powerful driving force.

I fear conflict. I don't want it, but I expect it on a daily basis and I feel so powerless and helpless. I don't want people to walk over me. As a human, I have the right to tell somebody to back the hell off should they cause problems, but my problem is being able to back it up should they not choose to back off. Based on my physical appearance, I can guarantee you they won't back off. So, what do I do? Do I just let people treat me like crap? It's difficult.

Horror inflicts fear to an insane degree in me. I hate it, yet a part of me seems to desire it for some sort of survival tool. Clearly, I have more than one problem.

It gets even more difficult because horror was just an example, being the worst movies tend to be, but I sometimes have problems even with movies children are allowed to watch. For example, there was some Asian movie on recently, set in older times. It was a movie for a younger audience, but still suggested parental guidance. I noticed a point when an innocent lady was being whipped and her back was bleeding. It was very brief, but it really agitated me and I could feel emotion rising through me seeing and hearing this character's distress. For the most part, the distress came from the audio, rather than the imagery. Viewers would acknowledge it was a bad moment, but the emotion I felt was a bit too extreme. Yet again, the emotion I felt would probably make sense in a real-life situation, but not for a movie.

Who says that your emotion was a bit too extreme as it wasn't happening in real life? Isn't that just a statement of what other people think rather than what is necessarily the truth? The intention of various scenes in movies is that they should evoke emotions. I remember watching one film with a friend in which a dog died. Both of us cried and to this day, he cannot watch that film again.

It sounds like you're getting to the heart of the issue which is not even really about physical fights at all. It's about not knowing how to handle situations in which you feel like people are trying to assert their power over you. I would suggest looking for strategies to deal with this, so you don't get to the point where you 'snap' in order to release some of those feelings.

Can you give an example of a situation where you try and tell someone to back off but it doesn't work?

[Cobalt]

Originally Posted by Merr

Can you give an example of a situation where you try and tell someone to back off but it doesn't work?

It was mostly in my teens, but then I became agoraphobic.

I was verbally bullied by a lot of people both inside and outside of school. I'm not sure why, but I would often attract negative attention from strangers, be they teenagers or even adults. Most of the time I would let them walk over me. I'd take any nasty comments and the like and just keep my head down to avoid further conflict. On other occasions, I'd stand up and argue back. As this would usually be in public, things were unable to escalate too far as others would intervene. Being agoraphobic, I wouldn't go out alone, so sometimes people with me could stand by my side or pull me out of the situation.

I remember there was a point when I started to become more confident. An older teenager purposely pushed into me as he walked past in a public place, shouting 'bang' as he did it. I was with my mother at the time, but decided I wasn't going to allow it. I stopped, turned around, and I began to curse at him, making it clear that he had no right to do that. He stopped to turn back and we were trading comments, but my mom decided to divert my attention while this teen's friend began to divert his attention before it could go too far.

I think my biggest worry is being in that situation where I'm by myself or the situation simply cannot be diverted away. In the cases where it couldn't be diverted, that's when I'd be forced into a mental 'corner' and I would, as I put it, 'snap'.

I suppose some people would ignore the push that I received (though I know a lot of people wouldn't), but I was often a target for things like that.

There was actually a time when I temporarily lost it before a group of about 10 - 15 other teenagers. I can't be bothered to go into that story, though this wasn't entirely provoked. I basically recognised a familiar scenario, which would usually create a problem for me, and so I immediately 'snapped' and screamed and cursed at these other teenagers. I was in a fit of rage, and yet they wouldn't do a thing about it until I had then walked away to my destination. Only then did they begin to comment back, far enough that they had to shout.

I'm not saying I could fight 10 - 15 teenagers, obviously, but I wasn't really thinking too much about it and I know for a fact I would have caused at least some of them some serious damage, but ONLY because of that certain state of mind I have stored away in my mind. Otherwise, I feel so helpless.

For the record, I'm in my twenties at this point in life. I haven't faced as much conflict for a while now, mainly I feel because I'd always take a car from point A to point B, completely avoiding the public and any problems.

[Merr]

How did your mother's reaction make you feel? It's interesting that she chose to divert your attention as against take some other kind of action. You said that you sometimes feel helpless. Have you ever felt like your parents haven't reacted in ways that you'd want them to?

[Cobalt]

Originally Posted by Merr

How did your mother's reaction make you feel? It's interesting that she chose to divert your attention as against take some other kind of action. You said that you sometimes feel helpless. Have you ever felt like your parents haven't reacted in ways that you'd want them to?

To be honest, I was glad she managed to divert me away from it, but I remember hesitating, holding out time because I was concerned I'd look 'weak' by immediately walking away. I wanted to wait and be that person who is basically saying, "No, you will NOT walk over me." I felt walking away would imply the opposite.

I am without a father. I don't know of him. That's fine.

The only thing I'd say is that my mother has been too protective, I think. I've always been protected in the wrong ways. For instance, rather than help me fight agoraphobia, she'd support me taking the more defensive position and just being 'comfortable'. I've been raised by a woman, and while I am absolutely not trying to be sexist or speak down on any woman (my mother is still very strong), I often wondered if maybe I needed a male figure to raise me (or to have played some role in it).

What seems crazy to me is that there are many other problems in my life, not mentioned here as they aren't entirely relevant, and yet I am beginning to think they are all connected to the same thing. It's something to do with feeling powerless, out of control and as though I can't be a man. It easily connects to a large amount, if not all, of my problems.

[neilpage]

I understand. Watching horror can infect the mind. Gore is even worse to visulize. Movies are just that, you have choice in what it is you want your mind to experiance .

in addition,

actually, in experiencing the reality of horror and gore in ones life can cripple
ones whole self... damage and warp it can leave the mind body spirit and soul.

[Acting Like Godot]

It's no big deal, not watching horror movies for the rest of your life.

Quite frankly, it's not a big deal if you generally don't watch any movies at all.

Movies are for entertainment. If they don't entertain you, or if you have other forms of entertainment, who cares if you don't watch movies ever.

Speaking for myself, I haven't been watching TV regularly since, ummm, around 1991, I'd say. I still go to movies, but all movies I've watched in recent years are kid-friendly movies, because I take my kids along.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by Cobalt

To be honest, I was glad she managed to divert me away from it, but I remember hesitating, holding out time because I was concerned I'd look 'weak' by immediately walking away. I wanted to wait and be that person who is basically saying, "No, you will NOT walk over me." I felt walking away would imply the opposite.

I am without a father. I don't know of him. That's fine.

The only thing I'd say is that my mother has been too protective, I think. I've always been protected in the wrong ways. For instance, rather than help me fight agoraphobia, she'd support me taking the more defensive position and just being 'comfortable'. I've been raised by a woman, and while I am absolutely not trying to be sexist or speak down on any woman (my mother is still very strong), I often wondered if maybe I needed a male figure to raise me (or to have played some role in it).

What seems crazy to me is that there are many other problems in my life, not mentioned here as they aren't entirely relevant, and yet I am beginning to think they are all connected to the same thing. It's something to do with feeling powerless, out of control and as though I can't be a man. It easily connects to a large amount, if not all, of my problems.

The two most important comments are about your mother being protective in the wrong ways and about how all your problems are really inter-connected. I agree. Perhaps a male figure would have helped or perhaps just a different style of parenting may have helped. You'll never know. I think your mother thought she was doing what was best but inadvertently made you feel powerless with the way she reacted to situations sometimes. I think if you keep digging and get to the heart of the powerlessness, you'll be able to deal with all of your problems once and for all.

[Dynamist]

Delete.