|Emotional Mastery Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT|
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|09-20-2011, 11:28 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Peterborough, UK
Dumping the past and looking to the future...
I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment. No, that's wrong, I feel scared and I'm worried about the future. I keep linking all my current circumstances to the past so I really need to break that pattern.
Below I'll dump it all in the hope I can get them out of my system as I really need to focus on the future in a positive way.
I think the slippery slope began for me as far back as 2002. We'd just moved to our first family home, had our second child and I was doing a Business Studies qualification. I was also fitter as I ran a half-marathon that Spring. Life was really good back then even if money was still relatively tight.
It was at this time I started staying up later because of the studying which I compounded after the exams by staying up later still to watch the 2002 Football World Cup matches broadcast from Japan and South Korea - I never seemed to have a proper night time routine after that.
When we had our third child things became tougher financially and we've never truly recovered. It meant that I neglected my health as I ate cheaper stuff and didn't look after my teeth properly as I couldn't afford the treatment. Piling on the pounds and being more reluctant to smile contributing to me losing confidence.
In 2006 I used a bonus from work to go to a Tony Robbins seminar and for a while was invigorated. Despite having to take on a cleaning job to make ends meet a few months later I took the coaching qualification and looked into setting up a personal development events business but it never quite got off the ground as I again lost confidence when someone in the personal development industry spotted flaw after flaw.
I was still doing OK careerwise having changed job in 2003 but have never been totally fulfilled in my current role. I just don't care about the industry enough even if I enjoy the design and writing work that I do.
At the end of 2007 we were essentially forced to sell our house and move into rented to a place that looked good but was too expensive so we moved again just 5 months later. By the end of 2008 my work was suffering to the point that I didn't get the work bonus which made for a miserable Christmas. If it wasn't for the Nintendo DS we won at the staff Christmas party (shared between three children) it would've been even more bleak.
In 2009, after the death of mother (which affected me quite badly), we moved again back to the same road we lived on when we sold the house two years earlier. That hurt, however practical it was because of its proximity to the local school. By walking past the old house I could see the £4000 kitchen I'd had installed with it's diswasher and all the tiles I put up with my own hands. All that money I'd spent and someone else was benefitting from it.
In terms of our financial problems my wife's situation is relevant here - she's not had much regular paid work but she's done a lot of voluntary. She's a trained doula, has worked with the elderly and now working towards a teaching assistant qualification with teaching definitely being her calling. Trouble is, she just can't get the job she wants and it upsets her how she gets taken advantage of at school as they know they can effectively get a member of staff for free. That's how much she loves that work - she'd rather do it out of love than quit on principle. There's been several times new staff have been brought in out of school with the theory knowledge but not the practical experience. If we could only crack her job situation it would make such a difference but there's very little to apply for and when a position does come up she's up against up to 80 others.
Through it all we've seen both our brothers travelling the world and living in nice houses with great cars and everything. I couldn't help feeling "Where did it all go wrong?" Added to this I'm somewhat haunted by the words my mum said to me when I was about 18-19 - "If you'd put in the studying your brother has you could've achieved more than he did". I know I'm bright and I did far better than the national average academically but I've only ever done the bare minimum it seems. When you've spent your life in the shadow of a brother who has a first class honours degree and represented the county at athletics it was always going to be tough - to discover you had the promise to go beyond that and didn't take the opportunity is harder to take still.
I think a lot of my current issues at work are about my money worries and motivation. I have so much on at the moment but I can't get started and end up at a point where the pain of not doing something is worse than if I do. What happens then is that I end up working into the early hours to keep up. That sounds worse than it is because I feel I work better at that time without any distractions so I wait until everyone has gone to bed - I'm my own worst enemy. I don't need to work harder, just smarter.
My worry is that the quality of work won't be deemed good enough this year and that I'll miss out on the bonus again - I can't let that happen. Being totally ignored over a recent promotion opportunity and have my colleague (aged 26 and 16 years my junior) invited to apply and not me was hard to take.
Back in June we had a car accident on our way back from what was a lovely holiday, though one we couldn't really afford if I'm honest. The result was our car was written off and we had the associated fall out from that with higher insurance and having to buy a new car.
I"m trying hard not to sound flippant here by focussing on the financials but we were INCREDIBLY lucky. Despite my wife and son being airlifted to hospital we came out of the accident with little more than cuts and bruises. The car rolled a couple of time and there was a massive petrol leak - seriously we could ALL have died that day. You can read about it here:
A34 crash survivors' heartfelt thanks to motorists who helped (From Oxford Mail)
A couple of years back I was diagnosed with borderline depression and after the accident I was signed off work for a week and then another as I had a panic attack worrying about going back to the office. That's not a healthy state of affairs but wasn't just accident, it was about my whole career. The problem is that my job that pays me too well (even though it doesn't seem to make much difference) and I can't afford to leave it. I really do feel trapped here.
I guess all this all adds up to part of a mid-life crisis and the realisation that after 20 plus years I've not really progressed in the way I wanted. Ultimately I am where I am due to my past decisions and I know that I change in a moment but chosing the correct path is something I'm find tough. The irony is that life coaching qualification but I guess where that works is that I'm directing attention away from my own issues. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain by telling you this but it's a sort of brain dump to get it out of my head. May be you guys can see something that can get me to look the other way...from the past that is.
Anyway, there's probably more that I could say but I'm 'typed-out' right now. Maybe I'll add more in a day or two.
|09-20-2011, 01:31 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mississauga, On Canada
Sounds like to me the major component here is financial. If it wasn't for the financial issues, you would be okay. Most of us were never taught about personal finances at school so as a result, many are in trouble these days.
I attended T. Harv Eker's Millionaire Mind Intensive and they addressed this issue about good folks who were in financial trouble. What they suggested is to simplify your lifestyle (financially) and then learn about personal finance.
Learn on ways to cut and even more importantly, how to start saving on a regular basis, no matter how small the amount is. Don't compare yourself with others - just focus on your own family.
There are many families out there who don't have a lot but live simplistic lives and are happy. People like Leo Babauta even thrive on this type of lifestyle.
Good luck with you.
|09-21-2011, 03:53 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Peterborough, UK
A few things have happened since my last post which I'll share now. First of all I have just agreed in principle to do some voluntary work as an events co-ordinator for an epilepsy charity. I have a mild form of epilepsy myself so it seemed to be the right thing to do - I've got a meeting during the first week in October to discuss it further.
In my ongoing fight to make sense of life I've started a new blog. I aim to make it largely fun by focusing on my challenges with reaching middle age but it will also help me track my progress, provide me with a writing routine and potentially material for my 'off-and-on' book I'm writing about the ups and downs I've had this past year.
The blog is called: Potato Rot!
The title might seem odd but it's an amalgamation of things: I have a head like a potato and I talk a lot of rot being just two.
As one of the posts says I already feel invigorated because I've been taking action - it's another bit of advice we should listen to because nothing happens if we don't!
|09-21-2011, 08:25 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
you story was quite touching and I love your sense of humor and loved this line from your blog-
" I'm in a mid-life crisis. There! I've said it! Can I go now?"
I wish you the best and keep writing on your blog because i love it and will be reading it !
keep up the ACTION !
|09-21-2011, 11:37 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Peterborough, UK
New post added this evening so enjoy!
|09-21-2011, 11:47 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2010
It sounds like your life situation has really got you down. And your inner situation is perhaps not much better.
But I recommend is focusing on that inner situation. That's the only thing you truly have control over anyway. And oddly enough, once you master the inner, the outer seems to fall into place – ironically after you stop caring so much about the outer.
To work on the inner, I have a couple questions. Do you often meditate? I find that if I don't meditate on regular basis I start filling the crappy – regardless of how good my life is. Everything originates from the inside.
And about the outside stuff, I think you should take a strong look at your financial situation. Monitor everything that's going on and create a plan as to what you can and can't spend.
Basically, start saving money and doing less on the outside, while simultaneously working in reaching inward. You may just find that your problems so themselves once you start viewing them in the right light.
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