How do you self sustain?

[Artelus]

I'm 18 and because of that I don't have much knowledge about life.

I think that from a young age, I have been sustaining myself with external things. This is probably common, so I'm hoping other people can relate and give me advice.

When I was a little kid, I refused to feel happy unless I had a reason to feel happy. I started taking things seriously. If people clapped for everyone but didn't clap for me, I would cry. If everyone had an opportunity to win a game but the game ended before I was able to win, I would get sad and cry. This was a pattern. I don't think I was spoiled in the sense that I wanted everything to an excess, but I would feel very sad if I did not get my way or if my expectations were not met.

Now, I act more mature, but I still feel like I have that in me. If a social interaction did not go as planned, I would feel as if something is wrong with me. If a conversation did not go the way I expected it to, I would feel like there was something wrong with me. This manifested in the way I acted and my warped perspective of people.

What I'm getting at is, I'm always chasing stupid feelings to validate myself. If I were talking to this girl I liked, she would have to respond positively to give my life meaning. If I was hanging out with friends and I felt out of control (i.e. they were teasing me in a single-sided way), that would make me feel worthless and my life meaningless.

I'm sorry if I'm being confusing. I'm just trying to say that I keep seeking superficial things- that I keep seeking my expectations met on things that do not matter in the big picture- in order to keep myself going in life.

It feels like everything is a drug. I keep on living life until my next "fix," where somewhere, some event, person, or victory would validate myself and make me feel like I was a person who deserved to live.

I feel like a starved individual who keeps grabbing at air, trying to chase happiness, which is impossible, but I keep doing it. I keep chasing happiness. I keep trying to find that one human interaction that would make my life okay, or that one victory or skill that would make my life tolerable. But I know that nothing outside of me can really do the job.

A good friend of mine has told me once, that a person isn't meant to feel happy all the time in life. I think that is so very true. But I don't know how to live life if not to seek happiness, to seek fulfillment. In the back of my mind I still expect happiness and fulfillment in a constant stream, and if I don't get it, I feel like there is something wrong with my life, and I do everything to fix it. Ironically my attempts to fix it spoils the things that are already good in my life to begin with.

So..that's what I need advice on. I'm just chasing endorphins and treating them as if they are oxygen.

[Merr]

I can relate to what you've written here. When I was your age I had moments where I felt that if I didn't get something positive out of an interaction that I would feel deflated. I think it comes down to feelling like everything is about 'you' and in some ways it is. We go around thinking about ourselves, what we're going to do, how we're going to do it and what other people might think of it. Fact is though, everyone else is doing the same thing.

I think it's best to try and shift it from what you're giving to an interaction rather than that what you're getting from it, if that makes sense. For example, if you say something that's clever, funny or profound and no one appreciates it - it doesn't matter. You can be the one who is there to appreciate it. By enjoying yourself and enjoying the things that you do, it shifts the focus away from other people.

In terms of being happy 'all' of the time, your friend is right. It's actually hard work to be 'happy' all of the time and if you feel that way always, you don't appreciate those moments as much. I'd shift feeling like you need to feel happy towards feeling like you can appreciate each moment in your life. This is where the intention/manifestation board comes in - there are many good threads, such as mallie's thread on gratitude and appreciation.

[MovingForward]

I am much older and still struggle with what you describe here. I applaude you for being so aware of the pitfalls of relying on the external to provide happiness. I think much of what you are feeling are the common struggles of being human and becoming aware.
I don't have a lot of answers and am a work in progress myself. In regards to actions or accomplishements, I try to detach myself from outcomes and enjoy the process more. I try to do my best, but let go of feeling attached to the result. Sometimes the result is better than I could ever imagine, sometimes, not so.
In relationships, this is where I have the most difficulties, in that I feel that others do not reflect what I give to them. For example, I feel I support friends and family more than they support me. So, I try to do the same and give from my heart and not expect a return just because I gave.
I try to focus on gratitude and appreciating what is, as opposed to what I wish it to be.
I could ramble on, but I want to end and say good luck to you in your journey.

[Artelus]

I think it's best to try and shift it from what you're giving to an interaction rather than that what you're getting from it, if that makes sense. For example, if you say something that's clever, funny or profound and no one appreciates it - it doesn't matter. You can be the one who is there to appreciate it. By enjoying yourself and enjoying the things that you do, it shifts the focus away from other people.

That's a good idea.

moar advice, p10x

[Merr]

Something else that comes to mind is thinking about when interactions don't work out for other people. Sometimes we're so focused on ourselves that we're blind to seeing others feel exactly the same way about things. Although I hinted at this before, I'd also suggest really opening yourself up to thinking about/seeing how others would feel in this situation. Get your empathy activated. Once you do that, you'll realise that you wouldn't want anyone else to feel the way you do, wouldn't expect them to and it might help you release your own feelings of inadequacy.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Artelus

I keep trying to find that one human interaction that would make my life okay, or that one victory or skill that would make my life tolerable.

Just keep in mind that this doesn't work. You don't have to stop, you just have to understand when you're doing it that it's not going to accomplish what it's intended to accomplish. Eventually your brain will stop doing what you stop believing in.

[Artelus]

But what is my brain trying to accomplish?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Artelus

But what is my brain trying to accomplish?

It's trying to create human interactions and accumulate victories and skills. As for why, that's a question you'll have to ask your brain. I'm not sure it's necessary to know why, as long as you know that there is no human interaction that will make your life ok, and there is no victory or skill that will make your life tolerable.

[candis]

I'll like to suggest working on your self esteem and assertiveness. Here is a link for you, the seminars are great.

http://www.dalecarnegie.com/events/h...c_id=MSN_Brand