I was just looking at the categories for this forum section, and I saw "escaping the pit of despair" as being one of them. This is exactly what I need right now.
To be honest, I don't even know why exactly I'm feeling this ♥♥♥♥♥. My life is fine- got loads of good friends, doing alright in school... it's just my girlfriend...
I've been going out with her for over a year, and the relationship itself is great. It's just that I torture myself constantly and as a result, I've never been truly happy for long. I would worry about breaking up, or cheating or whatever. After one thing is over, my mind just invents another thing to be worried/unhappy about. It's almost like there's a little guy in my head that doesn't want me to be happy in a relationship!
I'm getting REALLY fed up with myself now!!! Why do I sabotage and torture myself like this?!?!? I know that I'm attached to my her, but isn't it normal for a boyfriend to attach to their girlfriends? I don't see my clinging and attachment as any stronger than my friends or those around me. Of course, I don't want to lose her and want to be with her, but this is going too far…I just want to "turn off" that stupid voice in my head! And the worst thing is, by worrying and being so anxious, I'm actually inhibiting the relationship. We would have so much more fun, and I would be a much better boyfriend if I could just shut my mind up!
Can anyone here help me? I've been trying many things to help myself- rationalizing my worries away, trying to "just watch my thoughts," distracting myself...can there be an end to this self inflicted madness?
It it really self inflicked? Or are these thoughts because you are not really into her?
If you think you are really into her, and you think about the problems relationships can have - then you have a habit of thinking this way. Think about how into her you are more often than the habitual worries. Amplify the feelings of how great the realtionship is.
I wouldn't know why you cultivated a habit like this, but maybe there was a reason it helped you to think like this but now you can start to see that it doesn't help you now. Maybe you once were with someone you weren't too into and you started this way of thinking during that past relationship. And now you dig this girl and your conditioned self is trying the same thing as an emotional protection mechanism.
Ps. Similar question to wolfgangs.
Lol, I'm surprised those questions came up. My problem isn't really "I'm not into her," the problem is I'm TOO into her- I'm clinging and grasping at her.
And yeah, I'd say the relationship itself it 98% perfect. I am absolutely sure about that.
But to be honest, I don't really need relationship advice- I'm mroe looking for self help advice. I just wanna make peace with myself.
Thx for your replies though guys.
If you're looking for self-help advice: I think you haven't established that true internal trust yet that makes things so much different (complete?). Start adding deposits to your emotional bank account. Focus on giving which is very easy if you love her. Stop focusing on getting. Give unconditionally for several weeks/months. I'm 100% confident she'll return if she loves you that much too. There's hardly anybody else in her life who does the same and people recognize that (sub)consciously.
Perhaps you could give examples of your behavior?
It is difficult to grasp your situation when you say: "I am torturing myself."
When was the last incident when you did it? Was it some internal voice talking crap?
I would suggest you don't do that anymore.
Zenfender I think you worry so much and can't be happy for long because you don't trust that you have control over your reactions to potential events in your life.
Life has its ups and downs, no doubt. It's up to you to learn how to deal with them effectively. Build mental toughness.
If you are young, chances are you won't be with the same girl for the rest of your life. So what? Enjoy the moment and appreciate the now. Carpe diem!
To the OP:
It is interesting that you are experiencing these anxious and worrisome thoughts and feelings because I have also experienced them! Let me see...what has helped me is challenging my thoughts on a regular basis. Have you challenged your thoughts? When you are anxious about your relationship ending have you asked yourself, "ok, I realize I am anxious but why? My relationship is fine and my girlfriend loves me and is here for me."
Of course, if there has been any unfaithfulness in the past then you will likely be experiencing these emotions. But, I would advise challenging your thoughts and reading a book on worry...I book I suggest is How to stop worrying and start living by dale carnegie.
Also, for me I had to realize that some of my worry was a result of wanting control over everything...my boyfriend, our future, his thoughts...etc. I have to realize there are uncontrollables in life and I must accept them if they come.
Are there trust issues in your relationship that need to be resolved?
A fantastic website I would recommend is coping.org...check it out!
Hope this helps!
You've got a mental habit. It's going to take some time and focus to diminish its momentum. Every time you notice a self-deprecating/worrisome thought come into consciousness, stop, tell yourself "I'm not doing this anymore".
The thoughts you are having are covering up something else that you don't want to deal with. See what is in the moment for you when the thoughts come on. It's probably something emotional. See what's there... it could be joy.
ZenFender, I think your instincts are correct. You've identified that you have an unhealthy attachment. The voice you wish you could "shut up," is called your ego. I think most of the planet is in exactly the same position as you. You have a huge advantage though: you are consciously aware of it.
You've made the decision to deal with it. I commend you for that, big time.
A book that I recommend for you is Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" which deals to this very issue in beautiful and very practical terms. Another thing you might want to look into is EFT. I agree with Dharma that it is most likely an "emotional" issue.
The problem with my advice to you is definition of terms. If you had talked to me about "attachment," "ego," and "emotions" even a year ago, I would have taken it all the wrong way. "There's nothing wrong with my ego, and attachment is a GOOD thing," I would have said. So, spend some time (if you haven't already) and read some Tolle. But, I can't commend you enough for having the awareness to recognize something in you that you wish to address. Most people never recognize the problem with their own ego in the first place.
Brutha: "Perhaps you could give examples of your behavior?
When was the last incident when you did it? Was it some internal voice talking crap?"
Last week, my gf received a (platonic) text from one of her male friends. Almost immediately, I felt pangs of torturous pain in my heart. I blew a stupid little text way out of proportion and created for myself immense suffering.
Another example- I pretty much wasted my day away today, worrying about my girlfriend cheating and being semi-depressed being so anxious about it. I have seriously never felt so much pain in my life! Logically, I know that I am being stupid, but that doesn't stop the brutal emotions and my doomsday/pessimistic thoughts from popping up.
And the scary thing is, my girlfriend is absolutely obsessed about me. And if I can't be secure with a girlfriend so attached and crazy about me, then how can I EVER be secure?
Basically, it would be a roller coaster ride for me- normally, I would be feeling alright, and I KNOW that my gf loves me and wouldn't cheat, etc. But when the pain comes, it completely takes me over. I cannot think rationally anymore, and the thoughts of her cheating completely overwhelms me. It almost feels like her cheating is REALITY- when in truth, it is a great lie fabricated by my mind.
I think it's great that have a strong emotional bond to your gfriend. This is lucky for her, as a lot of men are closed and distant.
I do have the same problem you have: feeling almost chemically dependent on the person I am with. I am just wondering if you have any abandonment in your past. I have been abandoned at birth and I have a physical feeling that takes over when I think the person I am with is looking at someone else, or I drive myself crazy thinking about a guy cheating on me... I also have this feeling with close friends. I need very exclusive relationships.
The best way I have found to deal with this is to actually tell people that I have abandonment issues, and that, therefore, I will sometimes act unreasonably, and that I need a lot of reinforcement.
So maybe you should talk about this to your gfriend, and ask her to show her love in ways that make you feel secure. Maybe you need her to call you when she is away, just to say: Hi and reassure you that she cares about you In exchange, you can do things that make her feel loved.
Romantic love is a crazy thing, and sometimes, it is emotionally so unsettling that it seems too much to bear. The world we live in is too fast and doesn t leave much emotional space to express true love. Most of us know more about the lack of love than the abundance of love, therefore our thinking is directed towards the lack and loss of love, and not the abundance and finding/ keeping of love. Little by little we can switch our attention towards the magic and healing of love and turn away from the fear. I applaude and admire anyone who has truly been able to achieve such a thing.
"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle is a must for you. Apply the principles it teaches, and all of these problems are *GONE*.
A Buddhist quote on suffering for Zenfender
"So, should lay people get married, have sex, and children? If they do, they will get more suffering. It is much better to be a monk or a nun.
That does not mean that one should have sex without getting married. Sexual relations outside of marriage cause even more suffering."
- Bhikkhu Pesala
@Zenfender: what you're feeling is normal and commonplace. Romantic love makes us feel vulnerable and out of control. The idea of losing something so precious is painful.
Is this your first love?
Try Emile Coue's method. You'll come out of these blues so easily without any effort. And you'll not be able to control your happiness. Search Emile Coue on Google. Click "I'm feeling lucky". Buy C. Harry Brooks book immediately. You'll know once you've read it.
I actually think it's good that you've recognised that this is an issue you have and not the relationship. I've seen cases of people so paranoid about cheating they lock their partners up. They actually believe that nasty voice in their head.
It's the same voice I get that tells me I can't do anything and everybody hates me. The first thing I did to help me deal with it was to detach myself from it. It's there, and it's loud, and you end up hearing it, but that doesn't mean you have to listen or believe what it says. That's the first step.
Try then to allow it to be there. Don't fight it, don't resist it. I've been doing this for a while now and the voice is gradually getting less and less potent. What it does signal to me is where I need to do some emotional work. I use the Sedona Method to release emotions and fears and have found it incredibly effective. Alternatively you could CBT to rationalise with yourself. Personally, I've found the Sedona Method more effective.
Hope that helps,
ZenFender, it happens with most of us the good and the bad voices whispering to us. Its upto us to exercise discretion. Its depends on us whom we listen to. Whenever bad thoughts enter your mind don't entertain them. They are not worth it. Whenever negative thoughts start talking to you try to distract yourself. Do push ups, eat a bar of chocolate, read any comic strips, pick up your bike and take a short ride, talk to anyone. Just go for any activity you like. Your body will release positive hormones and your blue will definitely start packing its bag and leave you. All the best.
Let me reiterate the advice from Dusty and JJH to get into Tolle, hardcore.
He's a PERFECT fit for you, he talks about all the stuff you are talking about.
He will give you the why. He will clarify it.
And he will give you ways to break free from it without creating more 'stuff'.
Seriously check it out.
ZenFender, what immediately pops into my mind is: Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now. Switch your pain body off ;)
From reading your situation, you do beat yourself up alot, this could be caused by negative forces trying to rob you of our self worth, dont give in to these horrible feelings, I know what it is like to not be able to get happy even with no apparent reason. Search within yourself , deep down, ask yourself questions and request the Divine Laws to show you answers.
Let me ask this, Do you feel empty inside as if you are missing a critical element within yourself?
BTW I admire your honesty to even recognize what so many are oblivious to, It sounds to me that your mind is battling the old "Demons", don't worry, Nobody on this forum or planet has never encountered demons before, demons being negative feelings and challenging times, Any person that claims this doesn't apply to them would be Lying to themselves!
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