huge jealousy problem (need help before ruining my relationship)

[nvcowboy]

I have a huge jealousy problem. I am currently deployed in the middle east. Latley I have been really over bearing with being really jealous and my wife is ready to leave and im trying everything to get this under control. I have been messed over in the pasted and i know im using it against her and its not fair. Its just everytime i hear her having fun i get angry, also she has been drinking alot and it worries me that something might happen like it did in the past. I just need help because im not home to know what happens and im starting to go crazy over here. The worst part about this is i never used to be this way until I caught my ex cheating while i was deployed abotu 2 years ago. Now if i hear a guy in the background i just have really crazy thoughts. I need advise before i loose everything.

[Sypyres]

Although I can't say i know how you feel about being jealous because I never had that mindset. If a girl wants to leave she is going to leave. Her lost not mine. Now that was my mindset and it doesn't go for everyone.
With your situation being so frkn far while you wifey might be letting "Tyronne" in the fridge and eating all the food really suks. That's what we called it when I was overseas.
You by far is not alone on this. You catching your EX is putting a toll on your relationship and will continue to do so unless you make some drastic changes within yourself.
Also, we don't know how long you have been with your wife.
No girl likes to feel like someone owns them like property. If you don't treat her like your equal, she will be on her way out. Sorry i don't sound assuring but the thing that bothers me is you already stated your "wife ready to leave". I'm not saying it's too late but you know she has already put that notion in your and her mind.
What should you do?
Don't get on the phone and tell her how you ar going to change and you will do this and you will do that. It will seem like Blah blah blah to her at this point.
Just do it and stop being jealous, stop asking a million questions on where and what she did and with whom. Talk about how much you miss her and what you will do with her when you get back. Take some Leave and visit her. Do all the things you know that is right. If it doesn't work out, you can atleast move on knowing you weren't the one that fkd things up and you were the one trying.

Don't take my word for it. Just offering my opinion. You have to do what is best for you.

[nvcowboy]

Thanks. Im up for anything im just tired of pushing her away and that why im reaching out for something that might help. Im going to try what you said. thank you. I am up for anything at this point, she never really said she is about to leave but she did say that she is done with how i have been acting and to be honest so am I. I want to change like i said thanks for the advise. I just think its all in my head at this point shes a great women.

[Perspective]

I agree - to do your part - call, write & visit her when you can.

As for overcoming jealousy... It's natural you'd feel a little paranoid of it, since it happened before in a different relationship.
Just realize this is a new relationship - different from the past.
What did you learn?
Consider how your wife is different from your ex.

I think it takes an exceptional person to take time to serve in the military & I thank you for supporting our country.
I also think it takes an exceptional person to be married to someone who is serving our country abroad & I thank your wife for that sacrifice.
She misses you, I'm sure - as you miss her!
Try to be there as much as you can for her - be interested in what she's doing (not in a suspicious way, but in a supportive way).

A few more tips to overcome jealousy...
1. Realize your thoughts are what cause you to feel... Use your imagination to make you feel better, not worse (& stop confusing make-believe with reality)
2. Mentally walk yourself through your fear - how you'd successfully handle losing her... consider the ways you'd improve your life & learn, & how you can fill your life with meaning in other ways, so that all of your well being doesn't depend exclusively on her.
3. Realize you're unique - can't compare with others. You've got unique goals, unique past, unique strengths & weaknesses & a unique personality.
4. Trust yourself & trust her to do your & her humanly best. (My ex boyfriend was so jealous - I think - because he thought I was acting disloyal like he was. I'm not saying you're disloyal - but I'm sure you've had thoughts of other women here & there.) Women tend to be more loyal than men, IMO. Just nature's way - maybe because we're the one who gets pregnant. Also, women tend to be more turned on by emotional connection. Use this time to connect with her, emotionally - writing can be beautiful!
Like Shakespeare said, "That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, If with his tongue he cannot win a woman."