The need to be in a relationship

[zumanity]

Just wondering how many others have an irrational need to be in a romantic relationship to feel complete?

It seems for the majority of my life so far.. (im 33) i have been in a relationship. Ive only been single for 1 year about 8 years ago and up until now thats it.
Ive been single again now for 3 months and seem to have a need to be with someone....... any ideas?

[elucidate]

Could it be that you fear being alone?

Most people do.

[DANDUNGAN]

it seems to me--besides storytelling--relationships are what people do best. Even when you're alone, you're human, and humans like to be with someone--even hermits.

oh and fighting, too.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by DANDUNGAN

it seems to me--besides storytelling--relationships are what people do best. Even when you're alone, you're human, and humans like to be with someone--even hermits.

oh and fighting, too.

Hermits, by definition don't like being with someone. They like being alone with just themselves. There are some people in the world who do perfectly well without human relationships, though most people think they are massively damaged...they are actually quite content.

[DANDUNGAN]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Hermits, by definition don't like being with someone. They like being alone with just themselves. There are some people in the world who do perfectly well without human relationships, though most people think they are massively damaged...they are actually quite content.

Even a hermit needs to come in to town occasionally. The hermit may not like it, but the hermit will come in for supplies--and interact with someone.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by DANDUNGAN

Even a hermit needs to come in to town occasionally. The hermit may not like it, but the hermit will come in for supplies--and interact with someone.

True. I thought you were talking about being in personal intimate relationship though, not just regular interaction. It would be impossible to not interact with anyone your whole life. The sheer volume of people around proves that. It's the bane of any self-respecting hermit.

[DANDUNGAN]

Yes. I see now.

[zumanity]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Could it be that you fear being alone?

Most people do.

yeah i think it really is as simple as that.... i think i maybe need to live without being in a relationship for a while.... sounds easy but it comes with a range of emotions for me i guess.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by zumanity

yeah i think it really is as simple as that.... i think i maybe need to live without being in a relationship for a while.... sounds easy but it comes with a range of emotions for me i guess.

I'm sure you will learn lots of great things about yourself...which might be what you are really scared of?

It's a worthwhile thing to do. Many people never let themselves experience it, but you will come out all the wiser for it, I promise.

[christianyethboth]

I've been single and celibate for quite a while now and I'm perfectly happy within myself and very much enjoy my own company. The only thing that does sometimes bother me a little bit is the lack of romance, which is natural. But those feelings only last a few minutes and then I forget about it and think of something positive instead and be grateful within myself. I also think of many good reasons as to why being single is great and I stick to those reasons.

For example: I live alone and I can sleep and get up whenever I want providing I'm not working that day and not having to worry about spending time with someone. I enjoy travelling alot and travelling alone is to me the most exciting experience ever and you really do learn alot about real life that way as well as meeting real people. I'm very much independant and do my own thing without having the need to cling on to someone or rely on anyone else for support. Money wise, I don't have to worry about having to support another person and I can very easily support myself on little money.

What I don't get is people who feel that they need to be in a relationship with someone and they are scared of being single because they think they are 'unwanted and undesireable' and they also desperately need someone to have romance with which I personally think is a little bit immature and shallow minded as to what they think a relationship really is. People who think like that are those that are unhappy within themselves, bored, depressed and have low self-esteem. If people were happy within themselves, had alot of hobbies and interests to keep them occupied and do plenty of fitness, they would not worry at all about needing to be in a relationship with someone or to desperately need someone to have romance with.

What I also don't get is people that are in abusive relationships and don't have the courage or confidence to leave their abusive partner because they are too scared of being single because they think they will be 'unwanted and undesirable'. That 'excuse' doesn't make any sense to me at all.

[DeniseG]

I agree to an extent, but I also agree with the poster who said that it is natural to want to be with someone. What is actually unnatural is if a human being prefers to be alone. We were designed to pair up. With that said, it is also great that a person has enough love for themselves and contentment with their own company to enjoy their time alone. But I feel that in their hearts everyone wants to be in an intimate relationship. The problem arises when that becomes the whole focus of your life. That's when you need to force yourself to look inside, spend time alone, practice going out to dinner alone, movies, etc, and continue to tell yourself how much you love YOU. As the above poster said, find hobbies, remind yourself of the perks of being single. And never assume this is a permanent state. What is it they say? The only thing constant is change? When you love yourself and are confident THAT is what attracts a suitable mate. Desperation can be sensed by others as well.

[zumanity]

Thanks guys i think you all have some very valid opinions here!
Seems its going to be a journey i need to make and will see where i end up i guess... I will look upon it as an adventure..

[Clint Cora]

Some people do and some people don't -- I'm an example of a person who can be happy with or without a relationship. Been in both and see value in each mode.

What I have found is that those who don't necessarily have to be in a relationship have found ways to be content while solo.

[NoJobRob]

I do like being in good relationships, but those are hard to come by. People just seem so cantankerous, self-centered/egocentric, ungrateful, and control freakish these days (or maybe I'm just realizing how people are as I get older?), so I've taken myself off the market for a while and I'm just focusing on me in the mean time. I actually do enjoy being alone now. When I was younger I was always wanting to be in relationships, but after a string of bad ones I decided that it isn't all it's cracked up to be, at least not so far in my personal experience. Sad, I know. LOL But, I am optimistic. Even in my lowest of lows I am always optimistic.

I think it's hard for me to find women that I mesh with because I don't think of relationships as being how a lot of people seem to think they ought to be. It seems that a frighteningly large proportion of people are conditioned to one of the partners calling the shots and the other being submissive. I'm neither. Human beings are sovereign individuals with free will. I don't believe in being domineering or oppressing anyone, and I'll be damned if I let anyone pull that crap with me. My older brother is kind of an ass. He's your typical guy who thinks women are inferior in a number of ways, saying crap like "Their brains aren't wired for rational thinking" and other BS. And one of my best friends' wife is the biggest control freak I've ever met. If you don't put the wooden spoon back in the drawer in just the right spot or roll your tooth paste tube exactly how she does it, oh boy, there will be hell to pay. LOL I honestly don't know how I could stand being with someone like that (either one of them), but I see these kinds of behavior everywhere, all the time, and it bugs the piss out of me. I know a lot of people say they aren't like that, but when you really get down to their inner core and know the real them, they are like that. So until I find someone who is definitely NOT like that, then I guess I'll be single, and if that means that I'm alone the rest of my life, then so be it. I'm okay with that. Better to be alone, free, peaceful, and happy than be with an egomaniacal, sexist, micro-managing tyrant. LOL

[elucidate]

I'm like this too. I really don't mesh with the whole dominant/submissive thing...maybe in a fantasy scenario, but in relationships, I like both parties to have equal say in what they both want, not just one person getting their way and the other just going along with it.

I met someone yesterday who I thought I would get a long with and we had a nice talk on skype, and I really thought he was someone who communicated well and wanted to really hear me. Half an hour later he was sending me accusatory emails telling me I was somehow immature for saying no to him to talk more that night when I said I was exhausted and didn't want to. Somehow he had decided I was playing hard to get because I said no to him. Isn't that how a rapist thinks?

As nice as he was, someone who is gonna accuse me of this on our first phone conversation is not someone I think I could be involved with in a relationship.

I have not given up on finding people who are compatible for me, but I did put relationships on the shelf for a long time, and it was very peaceful.

I sometimes feel like they are more trouble than they are worth, which I've gone into in another thread a while ago. There are a lot of good things that can come out of them, but if it isn't with the right person, it can end up a real nightmare. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person who is bad for me.

Originally Posted by NoJobRob

I do like being in good relationships, but those are hard to come by. People just seem so cantankerous, self-centered/egocentric, ungrateful, and control freakish these days (or maybe I'm just realizing how people are as I get older?), so I've taken myself off the market for a while and I'm just focusing on me in the mean time. I actually do enjoy being alone now. When I was younger I was always wanting to be in relationships, but after a string of bad ones I decided that it isn't all it's cracked up to be, at least not so far in my personal experience. Sad, I know. LOL But, I am optimistic. Even in my lowest of lows I am always optimistic.

I think it's hard for me to find women that I mesh with because I don't think of relationships as being how a lot of people seem to think they ought to be. It seems that a frighteningly large proportion of people are conditioned to one of the partners calling the shots and the other being submissive. I'm neither. Human beings are sovereign individuals with free will. I don't believe in being domineering or oppressing anyone, and I'll be damned if I let anyone pull that crap with me. My older brother is kind of an ass. He's your typical guy who thinks women are inferior in a number of ways, saying crap like "Their brains aren't wired for rational thinking" and other BS. And one of my best friends' wife is the biggest control freak I've ever met. If you don't put the wooden spoon back in the drawer in just the right spot or roll your tooth paste tube exactly how she does it, oh boy, there will be hell to pay. LOL I honestly don't know how I could stand being with someone like that (either one of them), but I see these kinds of behavior everywhere, all the time, and it bugs the piss out of me. I know a lot of people say they aren't like that, but when you really get down to their inner core and know the real them, they are like that. So until I find someone who is definitely NOT like that, then I guess I'll be single, and if that means that I'm alone the rest of my life, then so be it. I'm okay with that. Better to be alone, free, peaceful, and happy than be with an egomaniacal, sexist, micro-managing tyrant. LOL

[Merr]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person who is bad for me.

Agreed. I think that being with someone who is wrong for you can actually be very damaging. At best, the relationship will be unfulfilling and at worst the relationship could leave scars afterwards in the form of a detrimental effect on your self confidence and self esteem.

At the moment, I'm in a place where I would like to be in a relationship but I don't have to be. I want to spend time with members of the opposite sex, really enjoy their company, enjoy the times that we spend together without worrying about 'what' we are or 'where' it's going.

[christianyethboth]

Originally Posted by Merr

Agreed. I think that being with someone who is wrong for you can actually be very damaging. At best, the relationship will be unfulfilling and at worst the relationship could leave scars afterwards in the form of a detrimental effect on your self confidence and self esteem.

At the moment, I'm in a place where I would like to be in a relationship but I don't have to be. I want to spend time with members of the opposite sex, really enjoy their company, enjoy the times that we spend together without worrying about 'what' we are or 'where' it's going.

I agree with this as well. Life is too short and fragile to be in a relationship with someone whom you are unhappy or sad with. Being single, independant and doing the things that make you happy is important which in result may attract someone who is right for you.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Merr

Agreed. I think that being with someone who is wrong for you can actually be very damaging. At best, the relationship will be unfulfilling and at worst the relationship could leave scars afterwards in the form of a detrimental effect on your self confidence and self esteem.

At the moment, I'm in a place where I would like to be in a relationship but I don't have to be. I want to spend time with members of the opposite sex, really enjoy their company, enjoy the times that we spend together without worrying about 'what' we are or 'where' it's going.

That's kinda where I'm at as well. I'd like one, but I don't feel like I have to have one...and I've managed pretty well without one up til now, though it does get lonely at times, and I do miss affection and cuddles and sex.

It's also about being ready for one in yourself I think. If your self-esteem is high and you feel whole without a relationship, chances are you will attract someone who is the same, and it can be a really healthy, beautiful thing that doesn't involve co-dependency. You have to love yourself first...as cheesy and PD as that is to say, it's basically true.

[Merr]

Definitely. After all, being stuck in an unhappy relationship that's going nowhere is unlikely to attract someone who is compatible to you. Most likely, if anyone else is attracted to you at that point, they will come to the table with their own issues.

I miss affection and sex as well! However, I'm satisfied to miss out on those for now, as doing so is far better than the alternative.

[elucidate]

Just make yourself happy and you will attract a happy person who also knows how to make themselves happy, and together you can both be happy.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Just make yourself happy and you will attract a happy person who also knows how to make themselves happy, and together you can both be happy.

Hmmm, get the feeling you think I should make myself happy. I think I'll take myself out for a movie and dinner sometime soon! Actually, years ago I did something like that despite it being kind of 'weird' from some people's perspectives to do that alone. I really enjoyed it until I sprained my ankle and hobbled off into the sunset!

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Merr

Hmmm, get the feeling you think I should make myself happy. I think I'll take myself out for a movie and dinner sometime soon! Actually, years ago I did something like that despite it being kind of 'weird' from some people's perspectives to do that alone. I really enjoyed it until I sprained my ankle and hobbled off into the sunset!

Haha. Actually I was speaking generally, to everyone. I don't know how happy or unhappy you are right now...but you do! Taking yourself out to see a movie sounds like a grand idea though...might do that myself during the week. Lots of people think it's weird...don't pay any attention to them.

I've been doing weird stuff like that, and more, for years and years and years. I must be considered a lunatic by many many people by now.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by christianyethboth

I agree with this as well. Life is too short and fragile to be in a relationship with someone whom you are unhappy or sad with.

This is an important point about life being too short. That's why I never hesitate to travel the world even if I'm not in a relationship or don't have any buddies to travel with. I'm not waiting for anyone since there's so much to see and explore out there. Yes, travel with a significant other is awesome but if one isn't around, travel can still be awesome.

[zumanity]

Thank you so much guys!!!

Im really glad i put this out there to get some other perspectives!

Some very helpful and insightful opinions for which i am grateful!
Please keep the subject alive

[Gabo]

I think we all want to feel loved, and being in a relationship is great because you have a bond with another person where you both deeply love and care for each other. It's nice knowing that another person is always there for you, no matter what happens in life.

However, I think we can fulfill this need with any deep relationship, not just romantic ones. When you spend a lot of time with someone and are always there to support them, I think it can provide the same sense of fulfillment. I'm not currently in a romantic relationship, but I have a couple very close friends that I feel this way about.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Haha. Actually I was speaking generally, to everyone. I don't know how happy or unhappy you are right now...but you do! Taking yourself out to see a movie sounds like a grand idea though...might do that myself during the week. Lots of people think it's weird...don't pay any attention to them.

I've been doing weird stuff like that, and more, for years and years and years. I must be considered a lunatic by many many people by now.

LOL! Better to be considered a lunatic and go out and have fun than stay at home twiddling your thumbs.

I also agree wholeheartedly with what Gabo has said. The need for a relationship... can be fulfilled by a very good friendship. Lots of the things that we crave in relationships... affection, companionship, even love, are all things that we can get from wonderful friends.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Gabo

I think we all want to feel loved, and being in a relationship is great because you have a bond with another person where you both deeply love and care for each other. It's nice knowing that another person is always there for you, no matter what happens in life.

However, I think we can fulfill this need with any deep relationship, not just romantic ones. When you spend a lot of time with someone and are always there to support them, I think it can provide the same sense of fulfillment. I'm not currently in a romantic relationship, but I have a couple very close friends that I feel this way about.

Yes, I'm fortunate to have close friendships like this which fulfill me in many ways, even if the romantic element isn't there. I'm a very lucky woman.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Merr

LOL! Better to be considered a lunatic and go out and have fun than stay at home twiddling your thumbs.

That's always been my conclusion as well.

[dreamlearner]

Originally Posted by zumanity

Just wondering how many others have an irrational need to be in a romantic relationship to feel complete?

It seems for the majority of my life so far.. (im 33) i have been in a relationship. Ive only been single for 1 year about 8 years ago and up until now thats it.
Ive been single again now for 3 months and seem to have a need to be with someone....... any ideas?

i have never been in any relationship and i am happy.At some times i felt to be in relationship but i no longer feel need.I am complete without anybody.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by Merr

LOL! Better to be considered a lunatic and go out and have fun than stay at home twiddling your thumbs.

When one has two high maintenance dogs at home like I do, I've never twiddling my thumbs when I'm home. More proof on the benefits of pets!