I don't love or accept myself... help

[KarmaKitten]

I could get into all the hairy details of my past, but I don't know if it's necessary, especially if it all comes back to just needing to accept myself, (eventually loving myself) anyway. so I'm just going to try to sum some things up for now.

right now I'm 27 and suicidal. my quality of life was pretty poor before, but now pretty much ranks at zero since my nervous break-down nine months ago, which exacerbated my hypoadrenia and now I'm dealing with auto immune complications.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety all my life and these things became my constant companions at age 12 or so. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 15 after being hospitalized for harming myself and then put on medication. the trial and error game of various medications lasted about 11 years or so to which I said "enough" after I found myself at 26 unemployed with almost no job experience, no lust for life, more lost than ever and broken hearted as my relationship had came to a devastating end just a few months before. after some violent withdrawals from the last medication I was on ( which I had been on for about 4 years or so btw) I felt good, all things considering, for about three and a half weeks or so, then it all went to Hell and I had a breakdown. I tried getting back on the meds, but it seemed to worsen things, even the tranquilizer my doctor prescribed to me a few months prior to take the edge off from the break up seemed to have the opposite effect.

I do TAT every morning and night. I credit energy therapy with bringing me toward recovery, along with life style changes such as an early bed time, a whole foods diet, and moving back to my home town and seeing a trusted therapist etc, but all of this isn't enough.

all of the fear, sadness, pain, grief and despair seems to be reflected to me when I look in the mirror, or even think about it. I get so overwhelmed by my own reflection that I hardly leave the house. I isolate. I've been struggling with this particular thing since about age 12 or so and it's got progressively worse. when I've tried to tell people about this they are often dumb founded. they don't understand that when beauty looks into the mirror she sees a beast. other than some pock marks and uneven skin tone, I cant understand it either so I've came to the conclusion that this monster I see looking back at me is of subconscious origin, my inner demons. I've tried various techniques to slay the beast, but I'm still a slave to it. I've tried accepting it too, but it feels damn near impossible.

I often wish someone would put me out of my misery or that I'd go to sleep and never wake up. I fantasize about being in a coma. I get relief when I contemplate suicide and this truly scares me.

I've done a lot to help myself over the years, spent thousands of dollars, gone through so much heart-ache and this is where I'm at, practically worse than ever. is it any wonder that often I feel I might not be worth it?

with all that said, I am open to help. there is a part of me that still has hope...

[scotthegeek]

I see a lot of post like this lately and its hard to read it sound so much let myself I don't know what to say. I have felt suicidal and it give me some comfort that I have some control. I have never been in a relationship long story. I know everyone say you have to love your self first I don't know if the totally true. I do feel at time how do you do that if you feel most of the time you don't feel anyone has truely loved you but I know that thinking just makes me spiral down.

I'm 49 and I have started antidepressants for the first time in my life and they are helping although my situation has not change much my outlook has change and I was have a good day but a few hours ago I came crashing down but I don't seem to stay there as long I'm starting to except I have depression and know I'm going to have some bad days.

I think a big part of my problem is social isolation. If you want to PM and talk I would like that. It help have some one to talk too. I understand sometime talking seem to do no good. I learn to be gentle on my self and take baby step you can't change everything all at once its hard when your depressed. I have seen you have tried a lot of things so it can be very discouraging at times.

Hugs

Scott

[angel A]

Karmakitten you are a very strong person even if you don't realize it.At only 27 you certainly have gone through a lot it seems.I think scott is right, take baby steps, each day at time! Congratulate yourself on the good days and don't beat yourself up on the not so good days.

You are doing all the right things by helping yourself and seeking proffessional help!One of the things that might help in liking yourself more is to right down anything that you like about yourself.Number 1 could be: strong diposition.
People don't realize that it takes a lot of strength to get through each day,never mind years,when feeling this way. You have done it and are still standing,so to speak. Write down the tiniest of things like, for example, i have lovely coloured eyes. You can add to it and, before you know it will have a long list,which if you read the list as if it's someone elses,will realize how many good qualities you have and how much you really like this person who is you!!

Take care and my best wishes!

[arpee]

First off, what is love? Love is accepting and appreciating without any conditions...


KarmaKitten, loving yourself may be too much for now, so maybe you should love something else. Do you love kittens? What do you love about them, if so? Is there any family member or friend that you love? If so, what do you love about them? Is there anything at all that you love about your life? If so, what? If there is nothing, what about the fact that food tastes good and you can enjoy their tastes. What about those family members and/or friends that you thought about earlier? What about those comedies or TV shows? Are there any hobbies, movies, music, that you enjoy?

This will get you to feel love and feeling the emotion of love for a period of time is the first step in loving yourself.

[Clint Cora]

I hope you realize that in your case of being depressed and suicidal, you are probably not going to get better help online than if you did in person with a professional group. If your current professional is not working for you, then you have every right to request for a change to another who you would gel better with. Then utilize all the local resources available (such as groups since there's often comfort in live groups).

[truant]

I'm not a psychiatrist, so I'm not going to give you medical advice but I will share with you a technique which can be very effective.

Every waking moment, you are telling yourself a story. That story is about you: about how you feel, about what you did yesterday, what you plan to do today, about other people in your life, etc. Now this story is simultaneously very interesting and very boring: on the one hand, you are extremely interested in what's going on in your own life; on the other, you've gone over this story, and variations of this story, so many times that it can become quite tedious. There are problems in your experience that you would like to solve, complications that you would like to get rid of. There are also some things that you like, but they often take a back seat to the daily irritations. The story you are telling yourself is very depressing.

Now imagine that you are watching this story unfold from the outside, that this girl is a character in a movie (which is essentially what you are to all of us on the forum). Most people sympathize with people they can relate to. When we watch a movie, we generally root for the hero, as we are all here rooting for you.

Look at this girl staring at herself in the mirror, looking at the 'beast'. If this were a movie, what would she do?

I don't know what your answer will be. It is your story, and the movie will play out however you tell it to; but when I read the description that you gave to yourself as a 'beautiful beast', it created for me the image of a girl with a lot of raw, unchanneled power that was ready to kick some serious ass. If it were my story, that's exactly what I'd do.

Incidentally, that's the part of you that still has hope. She's a fighter.

[KarmaKitten]

thank you, everyone. I will try to respond to everybody through this post rather than just have a series of my own posts. I'm not very computer savvy so forgive my clustered responses.

Scott, I am so glad you've found something to help you navigate through this darkness. with a change of outlook comes an outer change, hang in there.

I have a problem with social isolation too. ever since the nervous break it's just gotten so much worse. my fight or flight response gets triggered so easily now and the world has become so much scarier because of this. it takes so much building up to go out and by the time I get back home I'm drained and sometimes take days to recover. talking is good. I'll be looking forward to your PM. thank you for the reminder to be gentle and proceed with baby steps. this is so true.


angel A, sometimes I'm able to have compassion for myself. sometimes I can tell myself myself nice things and FEEL them, but often this kind of approach feels phony or unfamiliar, I'm guessing that I need to persist, though? and there are some things that I genuinely like about myself. maybe I can add to that list...

arpee, I do love kittens, well cats. actually any feline will do. I do love family members and some friends, yes. I do remind myself that I do indeed have things to be grateful about, but I find it challenging to FEEL the gratitude and love a lot of the time. I'm really struggling with a lot of anger and loss and fear of loss... I think these are feelings of grief. I was already grieving over the devastating loss of my relationship which stirred up a lot of feelings from the loss of my dad, as he was murdered when I was 9, but now I'm also grieving over my physical decline. I can't watch my favorite movies anymore as they are too stimulating, (horror movies) I can't have my favorite foods and beverages anymore for the same reason and I wasn't even a coffee drinker. I can no longer see, let alone speak to certain people anymore because of adrenal crashes. no more dancing or karaoke either. I can still listen to certain types of music though without getting too wound up. I do some writing when inspired. oh, and the other day I had a very satisfying conversation over the phone with a friend. I felt grateful and love that night.

I agree I could use a lot more love in my life, but a lot is in the way. how to let go??

Clint, I've been seeing professionals since age 7 and I've been hospitalized already, but I see that you mentioned a professional GROUP. can you elaborate more on this? where would I start? a grief support group, PTSD support group? Suicide Girls?! ha!

I do understand what you're getting at though and I'm interested. I've never done the support group route. I don't know how easy it's going to be to find one here though, especially if I don't drive.


truant, I like the idea of seeing it from the perspective of a movie-goer and I must admit I often see myself as a character in a movie or a story. I want it to play out inspirationally.

however I'm not sure about "The Fighter". after my break up I vowed I wouldn't let it break me. I wasn't going to play the PTSD game like I did in my other relationships, er, let the game play me and I meant it. I fought like mad to stay afloat and build a new life for myself and I was doing surprisingly well. upon what felt like divine inspiration I didn't refill my prescription for Zoloft, I still did well despite struggling greatly in the past to get off the meds, then the withdrawals hit. I managed to overcome them through epsom salt baths, energy therapy and lots of prayer. then, clarity. I was able to feel a full range of emotions and not be paralyzed by them. was this what "normal" felt like?

"normal" lasted about three and a half weeks and then a shift occurred, shortly after a bout of food poisoning. I recovered from the food poisoning, but not the shift. I had a nervous breakdown mentally, emotionally and physically, declining further each passing month.

diagnosis: adrenal fatigue with high cortisol and hypoglycemia thrown in for good measure. my doctor explained to me that I had been in fight or flight mode for years.

I don't know how much fight is left in this girl, but I did manage to get up when I thought I was down for the count.

I'd like to believe that a happy ending is possible.

[truant]

I see that my impression of you as a fighter was well founded. You have to see your accomplishment in perspective: you changed your life for three and a half weeks. Most people live on auto-pilot their entire lives; they're lucky to change their state for three and a half minutes. Don't discount the value of this experience. You've done it once, so I'm certain you can do it again.

There are two ways you can look at your experience: as an experiment that failed, or as your first real success at trying something new. It takes time to learn new skills and ways of being. You have to be gentle with yourself when you fall from a new elevation. Build up some energy and make another attempt. (That doesn't mean you should ignore your doctor's recommendations, btw. A warrior uses the best tools at their disposal.) Eventually, you will become proficient at maintaining these more resourceful states.

And you have two advantages now that you didn't have before: a treasure trove of useful information about attaining and maintaining resourceful states (these forums) and Allies (the people on these forums). Keep the dialogue flowing. In no time, your head will be full of interesting ideas. We're already rooting for you. Don't forget to root for yourself.

[Gec]

Hey there KarmaKitten.

Happy ending IS possible, because happiness is a choice.

Social isolation sometimes (many times?) means you haven't met the right friends, people with the same mindset and interest, people you'd feel comfortable with.

As truant said, keep the dialog flowing. Hang in there, and hang out here (pun intended ), and your vibe will shift in no time.

Looks like you have a lot to deal with. That's sometimes good, because when you've dealt with it, it will feel even more of an accomplishment.

Happiness is a choice, and no matter how bad a shape you're in and how much you have to deal with, it is instant. Meaning, your happiness starts the minute you make the choice to be happy.

That choice involves assuming the responsibility for your life, and committing to act on changing that which you don't like.

Good luck! (and keep the dialog flowing...)

[Clint Cora]

Start with your health provider as their office may know of relevant groups for you. You can also explore your community health centers and ask if they know of any. There are quite often, organizations that focus on mental health and they would definitely know these groups - some of them organize the groups as well. Good luck.

[Bongza]

You remind me when I was looking for a job and at the same I was worried about my past that why did my parents divorced, may that's the reason why things do not go my way and I had suicidal thoughts that may be killing myself would solve a problem but I was wrong.

I started by going to church to associate myself with positive people and every Sunday going churched changed my mind set and I had access to the Pastor whom I told everything about what I was going through. He counseled me.

Everyday I read the bible and started to learn how to pray; and I got the job the following year, then I realised that the first thing in life you have to love yourself before somebody else can love you and enjoy your own company.

These are the following steps that helped so much:

First is acceptance- you have to accept yourself the way you are. You should that you are capable of pure selfless love which you can give to yourself and everyone else.

Second is Thoughts- always try to have positive thougths because thoughts are things and you will act according to your thoughts; and your actions will create your character.

Third is Forgiveness- forgiving is not a choice, but it is a necessity, let go of the past and forgive yourself and forgive the people who did you wrong. Most people take their hurts to the grave, they usually say I will die before I forgive and they normally die before their time.

Last one is self-talk- check how you talk to yourself, if yourself talk is negative then you will think the worst and rememer that life follows our expectations.

Hope this will help.

[KarmaKitten]

truant,

when I first read your message, it was like the fog lifted, I felt empowered. I'd like to keep that feeling going. today has been a difficult day and the over all feeling was that "I'm done." this came after the realization, that occurred around 3 am after I woke up from yet another dream about my ex. the realization is that I don't want to save myself, I want him or someone better to do it. I tried doing a kind of mental EFT on the feeling, but I couldn't deny it any longer. I want to save myself, but I must admit, the wanting of someone else to do it, (say, the knight in shining armor) is stronger. I know this is going to hinder progress, or perhaps even hault it. I allowed myself to be with this feeling and reminded myself I accept myself for feeling this way, but it just weighed heavy on me the whole day. I want to make peace with this feeling so I can move on, but there's a part of me that just wants to throw a tantrum instead. I'm thinking about giving into the tantrum, maybe that's the way to continue forward? I hate that I don't know if I'm progressing or back sliding.

one thing is for sure though, I have support here and for that I am grateful. I will indeed keep the dialogue flowing.


Gec,

on some level I know what you say about happiness is true. I remind myself of this, but really struggle with this concept. I am in the midst of completely taking responsibility for my life, but then these thoughts of "life has **** on you since the beginning" "you never had a chance, you were bound to end up this way" (and let's not forget the one's I mentioned in response to truant) and so on surface. everything feels like a constant battle. I try to be mindful about my thoughts and feelings, but that in itself is a battle as well. as for my isolation, it's true, there's not many I feel comfortable around. I think this is true for most highly sensitive people though and/or INFP's, especially since we live in an ESTJ world. I want to change though. I hate that I'm so withdrawn, yet feel I don't really have a choice in the matter because I must protect myself and heal myself. I don't know how to do it in that toxic world. ugh. there's that whole constant battle thing again. maybe though, I will find more like minded people through taking Clint's suggestion of finding a support group.

Clint,

thanks for getting back to me with that information. I will take it to my trusted counselor when I see her next.


Bongza,

thank you for your contribution. I believe we covered more or less what you mentioned for First and Second, though I don't have these things figured out obviously, but I may have left out mentioning Third. I am indeed working on forgiveness. forgiveness for myself, my former boyfriend, God/Universe/Spirit, society, etc. you may wonder why I haven't addressed my fathers murderer and that's because I made peace with it late last year. anyways I know forgiveness is a must. sometimes it feels like it comes easily when I do the forgiveness statements in TAT and other times I find it almost impossible to say and just break down into hysterics. I guess that tells you something right there. oh, and I try to be aware of my self talk. I even thought of just voicing every thought I have out loud so I can actually feel the absurdity of these snap judgement thoughts.

I see that you also mentioned church. I am open to that idea and my counselor and I discussed one that appealed to me. I believe the service starts at 9 am though, which is no good for me right now as my illness has a sort of pattern and very uncomfortable things occur every morning. this is a good suggestion though. I think I will just put Clint's suggestion into action and use that for now, as I know support group meetings are later on in the day.

something you said really struck me. you said you learned how to pray. can you please elaborate on that?


as I was writing back in response to all of you, I noticed that there is a very back and forth tone to every message. obviously there's a lot of inner struggle going on and sometimes it feels like that little devil is kicking the little angels ass, but when it comes down to it, I'm here and I do want to grow and I'm understanding more and more that this isn't a linear process.

[LizzieStand]

Hey KarmaKitten, I'm new to this forum and not very many people know me. Your post caught my eye though, and while reading through it, found myself relating and hoping to share two thoughts with you. The first is about feeling self value (the second I'll skip this time round. I don't want to make the post too long). I'm getting the material for this thought from an article that I feel is worth the ten minutes you'd spend reading it. It changed my life for the better at a time I felt I was facing things just like you are. The article is here.

1st thought: "Just love yourself more." Ouch. That's ambiguous. How exactly does someone do that? Just love yourself, is much too ambiguous and much too fleeting a feeling if we manage to grab it for a second. If that means just feel like you love yourself more, what are we supposed to do? Sit in front of the mirror and lie to ourselves that we really like what and who we see? It's not true - yet. So how do we change that?

What I submit (as the article explains better than I could), love is an action word. Maybe you've heard that before, maybe not. If you don't agree with it, just pretend you do for a moment, and hear me out. If love is an action word, then what actions are acts of love? Is it splurging on ice-cream? Is it indulging in books for three days straight? Is it letting yourself give up when it gets uncomfortable?

Or, is it something else? For me, it was doing the things that gave me the things I really wanted but didn't want to put in effort to have. Things like a clean room and time to myself and twenty dollars to spend on sports stuff at the store. After cleaning my room and taking a moment to look at it and appreciate myself for doing it, I felt loved (really felt it, not just a contrived lie that I loved myself which would only last till I left the room). I also felt I loved myself when I made breakfast in the morning - I set out the place mat, plate and utensils as though I were preparing for a guest to arrive, even though it was just for me. I felt good about myself because those acts of love reflected a different story than the one I was convinced I saw in the mirror. It reflected the real me, not the fake one that I had come to believe in.

I felt that even though it seemed no one loved me- I knew for once that I did, and I could. I began rewriting my life story through one act a day of doing something that gave me what I really wanted, but didn't want to put in the effort to get what it. I began really feeling that I loved myself again. Now you may not agree, and that's ok. The article explains it WAY better than I just did, and I seriously think you could relate to the author. He has a similar story.

Best wishes sent your way.

-Lizzie

[truant]

The virtue of self-awareness is that by becoming aware of our real thoughts, feelings and desires, we change them. There is nothing wrong with wanting a 'knight in shining armor': this is a normal human desire and will not 'halt' or hinder your progress. Every person on this forum wants a knight to rescue them or a damsel to rescue. That is simply part of being human. It is the divine reaching out for the divine, the simplest and most human expression of spiritual longing.

That said, it is good that you recognize the danger that is sometimes concealed by the desire: the incorrect belief that only another can save you. You do, in fact, possess all of the resources you need to lead the life of your dreams: it is simply a matter of uncovering them, acknowledging them, and removing the barriers you have erected within yourself that prevent you from accessing them. The sad fact is that the same barriers that prevent people from 'saving themselves' often prevent them from 'finding their prince'. You need to begin the process of uncovering these limiting beliefs and changing them.

I recommend you start by writing down all of your beliefs, all of the thoughts that you have about yourself, your situation, your ability to handle the situation, and the people in your life. The more painful or embarrassing the thought, the more important it is to articulate it clearly and acknowledge it. There is nothing wrong with any of these thoughts. There is no reason to be ashamed of any of them. There is no reason to feel guilty about them. You must recognize that these are the tools you are currently using to create and sustain your current situation. You have consciously accepted each of these thoughts and accepted them as true but they are not: they can be changed, and you can change them.

Imagine the ideal You. Imagine the heroine in the movie: what is she like? What is she capable of? You can have and do all of those things; you can be that woman; but you must begin to change the 'truths' that you tell yourself. You must create a mental climate where growth and change can occur. Your thoughts are not 'true', they are instructions: change your instructions, and your 'truth' will change.

[lifetimelearner]

hi KarmaKitten how are you doing ?

I am sorry that you are feeling so down and out

I was in that place once and it's not a ' pretty ' place to be
but it can get better
for a long time I struggled with poor self image and negative thinking

and to make a long story very short -

our thoughts are like electronic circuits -they run in similar pathways over and over again until we learn more information and apply them- then our neural pathways can change

so you see we can either keep repeating those negative thoughts or we can change them

there are several methods that can teach you how to do this -you have to find the one that suits you

[weswes]

Originally Posted by truant

I'm not a psychiatrist, so I'm not going to give you medical advice but I will share with you a technique which can be very effective.

Every waking moment, you are telling yourself a story. That story is about you: about how you feel, about what you did yesterday, what you plan to do today, about other people in your life, etc. Now this story is simultaneously very interesting and very boring: on the one hand, you are extremely interested in what's going on in your own life; on the other, you've gone over this story, and variations of this story, so many times that it can become quite tedious. There are problems in your experience that you would like to solve, complications that you would like to get rid of. There are also some things that you like, but they often take a back seat to the daily irritations. The story you are telling yourself is very depressing.

Now imagine that you are watching this story unfold from the outside, that this girl is a character in a movie (which is essentially what you are to all of us on the forum). Most people sympathize with people they can relate to. When we watch a movie, we generally root for the hero, as we are all here rooting for you.

Look at this girl staring at herself in the mirror, looking at the 'beast'. If this were a movie, what would she do?

I don't know what your answer will be. It is your story, and the movie will play out however you tell it to; but when I read the description that you gave to yourself as a 'beautiful beast', it created for me the image of a girl with a lot of raw, unchanneled power that was ready to kick some serious ass. If it were my story, that's exactly what I'd do.

Incidentally, that's the part of you that still has hope. She's a fighter.

this really helped me --> u just affirmed something that I have known for about a year or so, we create our own reality. We are in charge of how we feel. We have to accept that we can't control anything but, ourselves. At first, this used to make me mad.

I'd want everything to go my way. And if things deferred from my expectations, I'd get (and still do) depressed, anxious, etc.

But, if you look at this same truth from a different angle, it can be quite refreshing --> like a heavy load off of your shoulders. You don't have to worry about anything but you. It's not up to other people to love you most. You are all that matters on this journey on the Earth school.