Taking responsibility for your reactions

[Merr]

I've found the post by James on taking responsibility for your actions and more importantly, reactions to other people very enlightening. However, what if taking responsibility starts to threaten people around you who are used to everyone in their immediate vicinity blaming everyone else?

As bizarre as it sounds, I think that in some families, it's expected. I'm starting to see things from everyone's side and see problems in my own behaviour too and it's scaring them. Especially when I've pointed out that I want a better relationship with my daughter - one that doesn't involve name-calling and trading insults.

However, it's making me feel increasingly isolated from them as I no longer have a sense of belonging and spend more and more time in my room. I feel as though I have two choices: get out of here (which this relative states she wants me to do anyway) or slip back into the old, safe ways.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Merr

I'm starting to see things from everyone's side and see problems in my own behaviour too and it's scaring them. Especially when I've pointed out that I want a better relationship with my daughter - one that doesn't involve name-calling and trading insults.

You're threatening the status quo, and you're also forcing them to look at their own part in the dynamics of the various relationships. There is nothing people hate more than having their reality messed with. Seriously.

Originally Posted by Merr

I feel as though I have two choices: get out of here (which this relative states she wants me to do anyway) or slip back into the old, safe ways.

I say take the first option as soon as you can. Fact is, you can't put the genie back in the bottle, and attempting to do so causes a great deal of internal conflict (this is my direct experience, by the way). She wants you to leave, you want to go, I don't see the dilemma, other than "change is scary", and it is, but it's also good. Life IS change. Live a little.

[Merr]

CW- Part of the problem might be the way I approach things but it's still extreme. To give you an example, I said to her I didn't think we communicated properly. I said it was an issue on both sides. She said that she didn't think we communicated and I just asked her some questions, as to why she didn't think we communicated at all and why does she think we do have problems and she freaked. She accused me of acting like a police interrogator and not treating her like a human being! If I was being verbally aggressive I could understand it, but I was being really calm, e.g. 'why do you feel we don't communicate?' and she acted like that.

Yeah, change is scary. I don't mind the fact that she wants to leave but again, it's the tactics. She's telling me that she's going to move into a smaller place asap as it's obviously the 'only way' to get rid of me, she's pressuring me for a date when I am leaving saying it 'wouldn't surprise her' if I hid it from her, considering the kind of person I am, etc. On the other hand, she persuaded me out of renting a place I was interested in, has pointed out that as I need surgery and will need to be cared for moving out right away isn't a great idea and that she doesn't mind if I stay or go. She swings 180 so I have no idea where I am from one day to the next!

At this point, I don't have much money and don't have a job at the moment so I am just going to pack a bag tomorrow and seek state assistance. Enough is enough.

[ssandra]

Actions speak louder than words.

If for most of your life you've been acting one way, and now suddenly you want to act in a different way, it is expected that the people around you still react in the same old way.

Don't let that stop you.

If you want to communicate better with this person, go ahead and do that, without needing her to do anything. If you don't want to call her names, stop calling her names. If you want to have a more friendly relationship, act more friendly towards her.

When you wait for her to change, and only then you change, that's not taking responsibility. That's being at effect of whatever she does or doesn't do.

If you are friendly and she doesn't respond to that, that doesn't matter at all. Be the person you want to be, the person who you would be if you were to be in a good relationship with this person.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Merr

I just asked her some questions, as to why she didn't think we communicated at all and why does she think we do have problems and she freaked.

Like I said, you got her looking at herself, and that is something she Does. Not. Want.

Originally Posted by Merr

She's telling me that she's going to move into a smaller place asap as it's obviously the 'only way' to get rid of me, she's pressuring me for a date when I am leaving saying it 'wouldn't surprise her' if I hid it from her, considering the kind of person I am, etc.

Well, I wouldn't put up with that kind of crap any longer than I absolutely had to. Talk about disrespectful.

Originally Posted by Merr

She swings 180 so I have no idea where I am from one day to the next!

See above.

Originally Posted by Merr

At this point, I don't have much money and don't have a job at the moment so I am just going to pack a bag tomorrow and seek state assistance. Enough is enough.

*nod* The thing about your situation that MOST concerns me is the way she treats your daughter. It's beyond disrespectful, it's downright abusive. Swearing at a small child because you're angry with the child's mother and want to manipulate her is just shameful.

[Merr]

ssandra-

What you have said makes a lot of sense and I should have seen it before. I often communicate in a more effective way and I feel good inside. However, deep down, I expect or hope to get a good response and when I don't get it, I do feel shocked. I've been remaining firm though and have rarely resorted to name-calling in the last couple of months. I hate that I've done it at all but I'm trying to forgive myself and be patient with myself.

Mostly when I don't like her behaviour, I say things like 'I find your behaviour to be verbally aggressive,' 'Don't speak to my daughter like that, you're upsetting her', 'Please do not be so disrespectful of me in front of my daughter'. It still feels odd to say things like that rather than explode and I feel a bit stilted too. However, she has follow-ups that I don't know how to respond to and generally I've either walked away or said something like 'I know that you're trying to rile me, it isn't going to work because I know that I haven't done anything wrong.' Not the best response, I know, but at least it's calm.

CW-

Today I told her that she's manipulative and controlling. I've told her that she was controlling before and that my mother termed her a 'control freak.' I don't know if that amounts to an insult but I see it as the truth.

Yes, she's very disrespectful towards me now. The last few days thave been so bad I've made a point of staying in my room (when my daughter's sleeping) after some things she's said, saying to her that I won't put up with her speaking so disrespectfully towards me. She just turns it back at me and states that respect is 'earned' and I haven't earned it and I am very disrespectful towards her.

It also worries me how she treats my daughter. She's improved a little bit and has stopped calling her mentally damaged but it isn't rational to blame me for swearing at her. The worst part? At some level I feel like it is my fault that she swears at my daughter and takes out anger on her, despite the fact that she also has responsibility for her own feelings!

[Brutha]

Mostly when I don't like her behaviour, I say things like 'I find your behaviour to be verbally aggressive,' 'Don't speak to my daughter like that, you're upsetting her'

That kind of communicating has nothing to do with taking responsibility for yourself.
It's rather passive aggressive.

said something like 'I know that you're trying to rile me, it isn't going to work because I know that I haven't done anything wrong.'

Again what does this have to do with taking responsibility?

I've told her that she was controlling before and that my mother termed her a 'control freak.' I don't know if that amounts to an insult but I see it as the truth.

It's an insult and you don't even want to take responsibility for making it but instead pin that responsibility to your mother.

saying to her that I won't put up with her speaking so disrespectfully towards me.

That's again a complete denial of any responsibility and passive aggressive.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Brutha

It's rather passive aggressive.

Errr, no. It's assertive, or it might be considered full-on aggressive, but it's not passive-aggressive. Passive-aggresive behaviour involves manipulation, guilt trips, string-pulling, head games, learned helplessness, making someone guess what you want and then blaming them when they get it wrong, etc. Being directly confrontational is not passive-aggressive.

And it seems to me that Merr is taking responsibility for her own reactions. Instead of just accepting whatever her grandmother dishes out, she's standing up and responding to it, at least some of the time. Maybe it is aggressive, that's hard to say without seeing it happen, but it's certainly not passive. Passive was her previous way of dealing with it. She's trying a new tactic, which is to volley it back instead of just swallowing it.

At least, that's what I've gotten after reading many, many of Merr's posts.

[Merr]

Brutha- I don’t mind being criticised but you haven’t suggested how exactly you would have or feel that I should have said instead. Regardless of how that comment is classed, I see it as standing up for my daughter. It isn’t OK for someone to swear at her, call her names (e.g. ‘mentally damaged’) or shout at her for crying after she has hurt herself and comments like that reflect my feelings on her being treated that way.

The statement about being riled, I actually admitted wasn’t a great response so I don’t need anyone else to tell me that! If you can tell me a better response to use instead, believe me, I’d be very happy to hear it.

I did tell her that she was controlling and stood by that statement on my own. Later on, I spoke to my mother and she called her a ‘control freak’. I had never used that term before. Therefore, I am not trying to ‘pin’ the statement on her - she actually made it!

I don’t know if some context would help but I’ve posted a lot in the thread about mothers with NPD.

CW- Thank you for your support. The way I have been dealing with my grandmother has not been great but it‘s still better than in the past. As for the delivery of what I’ve been saying, it’s been firm but polite most of the time. Sometimes I do say things in an outright aggressive manner. It’s a learning process.

On a side note, my grandmother has now started to be ‘nice’ again and sat down and told me about her feelings but ended up telling me that I thought that I was ‘too good’ for her because of my university education and probably ‘too good’ for the whole family. She based that on one comment I made that I don’t even remember saying, which is very likely to have been re-worded and shaped to support her point.

[Clint Cora]

If everyone took responsibility for his/her own actions, we would truly be living in a better world.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

If everyone took responsibility for his/her own actions, we would truly be living in a better world.

Yep, I believe that it would be. I guess all that anyone can can do is worry about their own actions/reactions and try not to concern themselves with those of others. It's just hard work when the family dynamic is to always blame other people and take victimhood status which I am trying not to do any longer and increasing my awareness of when I do it.

Although I no longer feel crummy inside, the new way in which I am dealing with situations is just leading to more verbal abuse. It could be that I am just making the situation worse but I really do think that moving out is the only decent option now.

[James81]

Be careful when you start doing this not to get caught up, like I did, in thinking that now that I was seeing things through this lens that suddenly I was going to fix all my relationships and accept my life as it was.

On the contrary, I began to see that this perspective influences my internal state, which doesn't always cause others to respond in a positive way.

The other half of personal responsibility is allowing others to continue makking their own choices, even if its a choice that you don't prefer. You are only responsible for the results you get, the life you lead, and the attitudes you carry inside you. If others are willing to be influenced by that, great. If not, great.

[pianoperformer]

This is something I'm trying to figure out. If I accept responsibility for something in myself, the guilt hits me really hard, and I don't know how to cope with it. Sometimes it leaves me depressed for several hours. I tend to take everything very personally.

[James81]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

This is something I'm trying to figure out. If I accept responsibility for something in myself, the guilt hits me really hard, and I don't know how to cope with it. Sometimes it leaves me depressed for several hours. I tend to take everything very personally.

What are you feeling guilty about?

[Merr]

James- I think that I am getting caught up. I really hoped that taking responsibility for my own actions/reactions would help our interactions and it has in small ways. For the most part, it has been resisted fiercely. I am glad that you and CW understand where I am coming from, because I was beginning to believe that I was making things worse. In a way, I am through internal changes but I don't want to go back. I'm still progressing but with each week that goes by I feel like I'm seeing people and situations differently and it's had a significant impact on my life.

[James81]

That's great. And I remember a preacher who once said, "sometimes its gotta get worse before it gets better."

[Merr]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

This is something I'm trying to figure out. If I accept responsibility for something in myself, the guilt hits me really hard, and I don't know how to cope with it. Sometimes it leaves me depressed for several hours. I tend to take everything very personally.

I think I have some understanding of how you're feeling. When I accept responsibility for something in myself that I don't like, I really dislike myself and feel guilty about it. I think that I feel that way about things that I know that I may do again or am not sure that I can change though. It's like my own home situation. I know it's plain as day that I should move out or at least make plans to move out and that it's my responsibility to get things in motion. I still haven't (for practical reasons as well as fear) and I dislike myself for it.

Mostly though, I use it to steer my behaviour in ways that I want it to go and feel proud of myself. I'm still learning so I sometimes end up on the wrong side of the road and feel discouraged, like I want to give up but I'm going to continue this journey.

[AaronB]

Originally Posted by Merr

Brutha- I don’t mind being criticised but you haven’t suggested how exactly you would have or feel that I should have said instead.

The approach you have seems sort of like, I'm going to be the bigger person now and recognize that you are the one with the problem. I'm going to help you change because I think I'm ready to move on.

For me finding balance does not mean balancing the other people to make my world more comfortable. Any action I take with the goal of adjusting another to make my life less bumpy usually won't work. Even if it's gently pointing out someone else's unnecessary hostility, people don't like being given the responsibility of changing themselves when their flaws are pointed out.

What really works well for me is learning to accept people as they are, as if they will never ever change and learning to enjoy them that way. Flaws and all. I can learn to accept myself just as ruthlessly. Eternally incomplete and fully perfect both at the same time. By incomplete I don't really mean incomplete, but rather that if there is something I feel really needs to change about myself or another, that I can leave that just as it is and never ever need to make it one bit better.

I notice that as I become more peaceful in life, as I relax my need to correct the whole thing, that I feel less and less hurry for anybody to learn anything. If so and so stayed acting exactly the same way, it starts to seem less and less disturbing, because my natural state is becoming less and less disturbed.

Surprisingly people do change when the pressure is taken off of them. You'd think the opposite would happen, but time and again as I learn to really appreciate and enjoy another person, they respond almost magically. People are super smart. They can sense the difference between someone who accepts them versus someone who recognizes their flaws. Most people see themselves as flawed anyway and don't like the reminder. When they meet someone who doesn't see their flaws it is a delightful surprise. They can then give up all the zany tactics they've developed to try and protect themselves from being hurt.

[Merr]

Aaron- I find it quite spooky that you wrote this as it touches on what I was just discussing with a friend. I realised that just because I can see things wrong in my grandmother's behaviour doesn't mean I actually have to point it out. I've actually realised that some of her behaviour comes from a deeper fear - I think she's actually worried about losing me. I don't even mean about moving out. I mean that I don't feel so close to her or as if I have as much in common with her anymore. Part of me things thats utterly crazy considering the fact that the things that she does are calculated to push me away, but there's always some kind of action to try and pull me back in again.

I think what you're saying makes sense in terms of the law of attraction too. The more you resist something, the less likely you are to get what you want. Accepting that a person will not change can actually lead to some changes.
Without realising it I probably have come across as some of the things she has accused me of being. However, it's completely unwarranted to swear at and be verbally abusive to an innocent child and then blame it on an adult. That's something I can't see my perspective shifting on.

Thank you for sharing this insight with me as it has been very valuable and it expanded on something I hadn't figured out fully. I just wish I knew how to deal with insults/verbal abuse in a way that doesn't come across like that. Especially when it's directed at my daughter.

[ZephyrusX]

I think being assertive can be one mode of personal responsibility so long as you do not carry the expectation that the other person will change. Being assertive and open to communication can be a wonderful way to transform your relationships and your environment, but sometimes, regardless of how much effort we put into it, regardless of how we feel about it, the person we have in mind just won't change. What do you plan on doing if your grandmother continues to mistreat your daughter despite your assertiveness?

Originally Posted by Merr

Brutha- I don’t mind being criticised but you haven’t suggested how exactly you would have or feel that I should have said instead. Regardless of how that comment is classed, I see it as standing up for my daughter. It isn’t OK for someone to swear at her, call her names (e.g. ‘mentally damaged’) or shout at her for crying after she has hurt herself and comments like that reflect my feelings on her being treated that way.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by Merr

Aaron- I find it quite spooky that you wrote this as it touches on what I was just discussing with a friend. I realised that just because I can see things wrong in my grandmother's behaviour doesn't mean I actually have to point it out. I've actually realised that some of her behaviour comes from a deeper fear - I think she's actually worried about losing me. I don't even mean about moving out. I mean that I don't feel so close to her or as if I have as much in common with her anymore. Part of me things thats utterly crazy considering the fact that the things that she does are calculated to push me away, but there's always some kind of action to try and pull me back in again.

I'm very good at observing behavior. I've noticed that people often act in ways contrary to what they really want. If she wants you to be closer to her and understand her, she might instead push you away and claim you don't understand. Perhaps it's because she wants you to prove that you really want to be closer and that you aren't going anywhere; I'm not really sure of the motivation. People just need validation, and they'll act to get that validation.

I've noticed it with my wife. A lot of times she will act contrary and like she is pushing me away, when she really wants me to actually be closer and hear what she's saying. There've been times when she would be like that, and I was able to get over my own feelings and just give her a hug, and that did wonders.

I'm not saying everyone is the same, but many people act in similar ways that I've noticed.

[AaronB]

Originally Posted by Merr

Aaron- I find it quite spooky that you wrote this as it touches on what I was just discussing with a friend. I realised that just because I can see things wrong in my grandmother's behaviour doesn't mean I actually have to point it out. I've actually realised that some of her behaviour comes from a deeper fear - I think she's actually worried about losing me. I don't even mean about moving out. I mean that I don't feel so close to her or as if I have as much in common with her anymore. Part of me things thats utterly crazy considering the fact that the things that she does are calculated to push me away, but there's always some kind of action to try and pull me back in again.

I think what you're saying makes sense in terms of the law of attraction too. The more you resist something, the less likely you are to get what you want. Accepting that a person will not change can actually lead to some changes.
Without realising it I probably have come across as some of the things she has accused me of being. However, it's completely unwarranted to swear at and be verbally abusive to an innocent child and then blame it on an adult. That's something I can't see my perspective shifting on.

Thank you for sharing this insight with me as it has been very valuable and it expanded on something I hadn't figured out fully. I just wish I knew how to deal with insults/verbal abuse in a way that doesn't come across like that. Especially when it's directed at my daughter.

I really enjoy the values you are expressing. It is clear that you really do want a relationship that works better. With this attitude there is no limit you cannot hurdle, because your awareness is so wide open to see reality just as it is.

What fascinates me about my own experience in life is that I spent years blaming others for my problems which resulted in lots of frustration. Eventually when I decided to take responsibility, I was surprised to find that this did not mean the answers all lined up for me. But I did become open to seeing what I do not understand and that openness has lead to a consciousness that shifts through stuff much more quickly.

I have found that by giving someone more room to express more of what they are already expressing with increased patience on my part, that it creates a space for another to transform much more quickly. It gives them breathing room given who they are today.

I get the sense that your daughter is not just a small caveat, but is really of central importance to you. I don't think that valuing one really takes anything away from the other. If you get up in the morning and decide that today you love the idea of having a mutually beneficial and enjoyable relationship with your Grandmother, and also that your daughter can be in an environment that supports and nurtures her in exactly the way she needs, that there could possibly exist a universe capable of preventing you from having them both. Feel how Wonderful that is?! I find in my experience if for every 99 seconds I spend worried about where I am if I can at least spend 1 second excited about how wonderful my destination will be, in a way that energizes me in the most wonderfully relaxing way, then that spark is enough to move heaven and earth to get me there. If I know just what it feels like to get there, why would I be moving to anywhere else? It's just to wonderful to pass up!

[ssandra]

Just something that I'd like to point out about personal responsibility...

It has nothing to do with blame or fault!

It is a recognizing that you are making the choices that you are making. And sometimes, being the human beings that we are, we make choices that are not the right ones in hind sight.

Yet it is important to also recognize that at the moment we make the choice we do the best we can with the resources we have at that moment.

That means that there is no point in feeling bad or guilty about any of our past choices. What we can do is recognize that it didn't work, and make different choices in the future. That's where personal responsibility is so powerful. It gives you more choice and more options for a better future.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Merr

The way I have been dealing with my grandmother has not been great but it‘s still better than in the past.

Yes, I can see that. And first steps are often wobbly and unsure, and sometimes you have to adjust things one step at a time. Taking even ONE step is something to be proud of, though.

Originally Posted by Merr

Sometimes I do say things in an outright aggressive manner. It’s a learning process.

Exactly. You have to just make the move and then make adjustments as you go. It's how anyone learns a new thing, pretty much.

And I do commend you for standing up for your daughter. I would do the same, and I would do it to anyone who dared to speak to any of my children like that, no matter who they were. I might get downright aggressive about it, too. The mental and emotional health of my children is more important to me than "being nice".

Oh, by the way, just because your grandmother throws that tired old "respect has to be earned" excuse around doesn't mean she's allowed to treat you poorly. Tell her that even if she doesn't respect you AT ALL, she should still be able to control her temper well enough to keep your child out her tirades. Okay, maybe word it more nicely than that...

[elucidate]

I don't think you were being passive-aggressive either, for what it's worth.

I don't know where Brutha pulled that one out of?

To me, the term control freak is gonna be received as an insult by the person,...of course it is. It's also an accurate label for a person who is controlling. You can say the label or just say "you are being controlling and I don't appreciate it" if you can keep your wits about you and not give in to losing the plot. I'm not always good at it, I must admit.

It takes time to really get your bearings and confidence when it comes to changing a life time pattern of communicating. You've taken the first step, and are getting your legs...like a baby bambi.

It's a normal part of growth to be clumsy at first, and then the more you keep it up and use every scenario as an opportunity to practise getting better at it, you will...and then confidence will grow from there.

Originally Posted by Merr

Brutha- I don’t mind being criticised but you haven’t suggested how exactly you would have or feel that I should have said instead. Regardless of how that comment is classed, I see it as standing up for my daughter. It isn’t OK for someone to swear at her, call her names (e.g. ‘mentally damaged’) or shout at her for crying after she has hurt herself and comments like that reflect my feelings on her being treated that way.

The statement about being riled, I actually admitted wasn’t a great response so I don’t need anyone else to tell me that! If you can tell me a better response to use instead, believe me, I’d be very happy to hear it.

I did tell her that she was controlling and stood by that statement on my own. Later on, I spoke to my mother and she called her a ‘control freak’. I had never used that term before. Therefore, I am not trying to ‘pin’ the statement on her - she actually made it!

I don’t know if some context would help but I’ve posted a lot in the thread about mothers with NPD.

CW- Thank you for your support. The way I have been dealing with my grandmother has not been great but it‘s still better than in the past. As for the delivery of what I’ve been saying, it’s been firm but polite most of the time. Sometimes I do say things in an outright aggressive manner. It’s a learning process.

On a side note, my grandmother has now started to be ‘nice’ again and sat down and told me about her feelings but ended up telling me that I thought that I was ‘too good’ for her because of my university education and probably ‘too good’ for the whole family. She based that on one comment I made that I don’t even remember saying, which is very likely to have been re-worded and shaped to support her point.

[James81]

Yeah, and to add to this, I'll give you an example:

If someone comes into your house and shits (craps) right on your living room floor and then leaves...first, its not your FAULT that the **** is there. It is what it is, and you can rest easy knowing you are not to blame for it. You can even label the person who did it as an idiot if you'd like.

But the fact is, there's a pile of **** on your floor, and the person who did it is gone. Of course, you can hunt that person down and use all of your energy trying to force them to clean it up, or you can recognize that its more efficient and effective to clean it up yourself and then take whatever measures you need to take to make sure it doesn't happen again. OR you can keep allowing the person who **** on your floor into your house and learn to accept that by doing so, you are going to have to clean up a turd later. Both completely valid choices.

To me, personal responsibility has been about accepting that the experience I have is a result of choices I've made, and that in that sense its all my responsibility ultimately. I can still be assertive, I can still tell people I don't like what they are doing, and I can still have boundaries (and assert them). But I alone am responsible for deciding what I want in my experience and how to get it.

If I'm not experiencing something I want to experience, then it is my responsibility to shift or make a change to get there and nobody elses.

[James81]

I meant to quote ssandra with that post but I'm on my phone and meh.

[Merr]

Zephyrus- Moving out is always an option but at the moment I am worried about doing it because I would have to seek state assistance. I am on a social housing list but immediate assistance would involve staying in (to my understanding) very unpleasant, cramped accommodation which wouldn't be great for my daughter. It would also create a big family drama and probably cause a lot of bad feelings. We've talked again calmly, the atmopshere feels very different and she really made an effort today. I am hoping that I can hold out until I get my new contract but once I do, I will find somewhere.

Pianoperformer - I think you're right and on reflection I've been guilty of that in the past at times. I do think that my grandmother would like us to be close again but I don't think that things ever will be quite the same again.

Aaron- To be blunt, taking responsibility for my actions and reactions consistently feels weird. Things definitely are not lining up for me all of sudden. In fact, despite the clarity at times, I feel very confused. I've either tended to blame other people for my problems or shouldered all of the 'blame' for things and felt pretty crappy. I feel like I am stepping back from things more often and looking at things like an outsider. As a result, I gradually feel less intensity about various things which would have elicited an emotional reaction in the past.

I love my daughter and want to improve myself for her benefit as well as mine. I reflect back on a lot of damaging incidents in my childhood and don't want to repeat them and leave her with the kind of memories I had.

ssandra - I agree but it's so hard not to feel bad or guilty. I'm feeling this way less and less often but I still have to talk myself out of it, e.g. 'other people have done the same things and you don't think any less of them', 'this mistake/bad behaviour has been a learning experience which will improve my behaviour next time, etc.'

CW - It really is a tired old line about respect. I said to her once that earning respect works both ways (was really surprised she didn't say that because she was older she should automatically be respected!). However, I will try that with her if the issue comes up again as it's true. Even if she doesn't respect me, she shouldn't take out her feelings on my daughter.

Elucidate - It's weird but before my mother said it, I never actually thought of my grandmother as a control freak. One day I said to her that I felt my grandmother was 'controlling' and she said 'mother is a control freak.' I was very shocked by it at first. However, once I looked up what being a control freak means... I realised that it was true.

I think it's the labelling. My grandmother says she is not controlling or a control freak (but my mother and I both am apparently), that she is just a 'take charge' type of person. A friend of mine pointed out that it was a bit of semantics, as 'taking charge' on a regular basis in personal matters isn't that much different from being a control freak. I noticed one post where I think scott said he didn't like the word 'disorder' used to describe certain conditions because of the negative connotations.

Heh, baby bambi definitely seems an appropriate way to describe my behaviour considering how much I am screwing up.

James - Can't I just hire a cleaner to remove the crap from my floor? Seriously, it reminds me of a phrase someone said to me: 'whatever you put up with is what you will get.' I think I will continue to be assertive when needed but try and lose some of the self-righteousness which had slipped in without me realising.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Merr

James - Can't I just hire a cleaner to remove the crap from my floor? Seriously, it reminds me of a phrase someone said to me: 'whatever you put up with is what you will get.' I think I will continue to be assertive when needed but try and lose some of the self-righteousness which had slipped in without me realising.

Funnily enough, hiring a cleaner would be another way of taking responsibility for it. (See? you're already so GOOD at taking responsibility that you aren't even aware of how much you do it already. )

In fact, I think a lot of people are in that boat, where they are really good at taking responsibility for their experience, they just don't allow their thoughts to catch up and accept that their choices are the best choices given the resources they had at the moment.

There's a lot of value in also being able to accept and live with your circumstances, knowing that they are the way they are right NOW because you have chosen to create them that way.

The hardest part of this, for me, has been in those moments where I find myself thinking (or saying) things like "Man, I WISH...." and the wish is for something that I think would make the world such a better place. (Or something that would make *my* journey feel easier at times.)

And I think that things like wishes are ways of admitting that we don't have the power right now to affect the thing we wish for, but perhaps if we keep focusing on the thing we wish for, we may gain the strength to get it eventually. Or to accept that it will never happen.

I dunno, I'm just sort of rambling at the moment.

I'm curious at what you meant by self-righteousness though.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by James81

Funnily enough, hiring a cleaner would be another way of taking responsibility for it. (See? you're already so GOOD at taking responsibility that you aren't even aware of how much you do it already. )

In fact, I think a lot of people are in that boat, where they are really good at taking responsibility for their experience, they just don't allow their thoughts to catch up and accept that their choices are the best choices given the resources they had at the moment.

There's a lot of value in also being able to accept and live with your circumstances, knowing that they are the way they are right NOW because you have chosen to create them that way.

The hardest part of this, for me, has been in those moments where I find myself thinking (or saying) things like "Man, I WISH...." and the wish is for something that I think would make the world such a better place. (Or something that would make *my* journey feel easier at times.)

And I think that things like wishes are ways of admitting that we don't have the power right now to affect the thing we wish for, but perhaps if we keep focusing on the thing we wish for, we may gain the strength to get it eventually. Or to accept that it will never happen.

I dunno, I'm just sort of rambling at the moment.

I'm curious at what you meant by self-righteousness though.

Haha, I suppose so. The next step would be to manifest a cleaner who will do it for free! The problem is though that acceptance can so easily lead to a feeling of powerlessness. After all, if you feel like you have to take responsibility for your situation, but truly feel that you cannot change it, the powerlessness can be a horrible feeling. It's just a case of saying 'OK, I can't do this right now... but I will be able to do it one day'.

I use the words 'I wish' in my head quite often and tell myself off for it. I have had some success with wishes as I think that they are basically another way of floating what you would like to happen out there to the universe, it's just about the energy you attach to it. I think often the energy is not so positive with a wish compared to other ways of setting your intentions. I don't know.

Aaron's post made me reflect on the way that I was dealing with situations with my grandmother. As though I was doing her the favour in enlightening her and helping her to change. There is a certain self-righteousness in believing that through enlightenment that you're in the right and that the other person needs to change their behaviour. I think it was coming through in some of the things that I was saying to her. Naturally, that wasn't going to lead to a positive response.