I guess I'm gonna quit smoking...

[James81]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Maybe you don't ever have to make that decision for ever and ever. As long as you make that decision every day, for each day, that is good enough. And once you've been smoke free for 3 or 4 years, it would just seem like such a waste to throw that away for just one sigarette... Right?

Yeah, you're prolly right about it being a daily decision. Although, I'm hoping that it becomes a less conscious decision. I guess on like day 567 I don't wanna be like "Welp, today is day 567."

That's actually an interesting thought, though. The idea that I'm considering beating this habit to be a matter of time and not a matter of decision.

Originally Posted by ssandra

Maybe a fun thing would be to think about where you can take your kids, or what you can buy as an extra for your kids with that money instead?

Yeah, for the price of three cartons of cigarettes (or about 6 weeks worth of smokes), I could take my kids to a hotel and a child's amusement park. (And I might do that, actually, as a reward.)

Although, funnily enough, the money spent on cigarettes was never really much of an issue to me. I knew how much I was spending on them, but it never really mattered much to me.

[Mariana Trench]

Originally Posted by sorter

You're still having difficulties on day 8.
I suggest a technique that takes care of the cravings in a day or two and you don't care.
Why is that? Could it be that smoking help is not what you're seeking?
I scratch my head.

It could be because quitting anything with a psychological component is a highly individualized thing, and when someone finds something that seems to work for them, they want to go down that road and see what they can learn about themselves; not listen to someone who talking to them like they're stupid because everyone knows what "______ addicts" "should" do.

[James81]

Another interesting thing I've noticed is that I'm hearing people who've quit smoking a long time ago (my mom, who quit smoking like 20 years ago and now a cousin who says she hasn't smoked for 30 years) say things like "I don't officially get cravings, but I *still* have moments every once in a while where I think smoking a cigarette would taste good" (or something to that manner. I get the feeling like it's not a strong craving or anything, but that residual "temptation" stays with these people even after such an insane amount of time.

And that's CRAZY! LOL. It's a crazy thought to me to think that in 30 years, I could still have a random craving for a cigarette.

I wonder if it's even possible to not have that. Or what it would take to never even have the slightest desire for one again.

I wonder if it has to do with anchoring a craving to something, and that the stronger the anchor, the more likely even a residue of the craving might come through even years after kicking the habit.

(I'm really just sort of thinking out loud with this. This is me wondering what it is that causes a craving even years later like that.)

[furndog]

It's funny when you start playing psychological games with yourself about whether to jsut have a smoke or not. I haven't had a cigarette in about 16 days (cold turkey). I chose this method of doing it because it's the most difficult and wouldn't want to do it again. I have quit several times in the past. Many different ways too. Zyban, champix, the patch, etc. This time I really want to. The cravings only came every hour or so and only last a minute or two. During those times find something else that occupies your mind, anything but eating. LOL. Good luck and stay strong.

[Lauxa]

The mind game for me is when I think I can just smoke once, just at a party or something, it will be okay... and then WHAM! I am drawn back into the vortex and if I want to quit again it requires another huge effort. It really does seem to be all-or-nothing, at least for me, and I have talked to other on-and-off smokers who have said the same thing. But I am guessing this is an experience most quitters have at least once before realizing that this is not what they want.

[James81]

Interesting thing happened tonight...

I got denied for a loan for college, one that I thought for sure was coming. In fact, when it comes to finances right now, it sure feels like God or the universe is giving me a giant middle finger. Essentially, I'm in anxiety overload trying to figure out finances right now.

But one thing I notice in all of it....I DID NOT WANT A CIGARETTE.

Not once did it even occur to me to want a cigarette to cope with the anxiety and emotion I'm facing at the moment.

And I think that's absolutely awesome.

[James81]

Read something really insightful tonight, and thought I'd share:

Most smokers started smoking during a stage of identity formation or crisis in which they felt psychologically empty within themselves and wanted some way to make themselves feel accepted by the world around them. For example, adolescents who have seen adults smoking will believe that if they start smoking then they, too, will appear powerful and glamorous.

I'm also reading a pretty cool article:

The psychology of Identity: Pride and prejudice, loneliness and encounter

I'm reading this stuff because I notice that emptiness tonight. I also notice that I've been trying to fill it with other things (like I've been drinking a lot of soda, coffee, etc...all that stuff laden with caffeine that I'm sure is triggering for it's sister chemical nicotine to join it ).

If there's one thing that sorter DID get right, it was the bit about loneliness. And I'm not sure it's really loneliness per se (I do have friends and family and see them frequently enough that I'm not alone much), as it is that incomplete, empty spot inside of me. And I think that, in addition to a straight addiction to nicotine (and the dopamine changes caused by habitual smoking), that another *part* of the smoking habit has to do with identity.

I started smoking at 18 years old, back when I was still putting together a new identity for myself and I was trying to get away from the goodie goodie, christian image I had established at the time. A cigarette was a real easy way to communicate to people that i was not a christian anymore, and that I was not the same old prude I used to be.

At this point, I don't face that crisis of identity anymore, but living without cigs I think opens up that part of my identity to a big hole that's almost aching to be filled. I can fill it sort of through my chest, actually....I feel almost hollow...like the smoke is no longer filling me up, and I need something to replace it.

Tonight I feel empty (and it's rather an ironic coincidence that it's manifesting itself in other ways...such as financial issues, etc.).

So, I'm gonna finish reading that article I posted, and start pondering on some possibilities/identity stuff for a while and see what pops up.

[Minimabs]

Originally Posted by James81

And that's CRAZY! LOL. It's a crazy thought to me to think that in 30 years, I could still have a random craving for a cigarette.

The cravings that you have in the initial stages compared to the cravings you experience many years later are chalk and cheese. From my personal experience I wouldn't even refer to the later year ones as cravings, just old memories surfacing. The early cravings are both psychological and physical withdrawal and are around feelings of denial of a fix.

The latter years? If I were to try to describe it it would be something like this. I am walking along on an autumn day and I smell the leaves that have fallen. Upon smelling those leaves I can recall a time as a child that when those leaves fell I used to run around like a wild thing collecting them because I love the colours and shapes of them. This memory makes me smile. As an adult I have no desire to run round like a wild thing and collect leaves but that memory of what I used to do still makes me smile.

The same with being an ex-smoker. If I've had a nice meal and someone lights up after the meal. The smell reminds me of something I used to do and it makes me smile. I enjoy my memory but I don't want to make it reality again. The whole thought process envolves zero hardship and zero feeling of deprivation.

I know for me, when I stopped smoking I had to deal with the two parts.

Physical withdrawal, I wore patches for a few days until these passed. Getting over the physical withdrawal was the easy part.

Then there was the psychological withdrawal. I had to identify what I thought this addiction was giving me and then replace that need with something else. The psychological need that I felt smoking gave me was in helping me to cope with life stresses and boredom. What I noticed was that as soon as I put a cigarette out the stress and/or boredom was still there. So I found new ways to deal with stress and boredom that didn't involve addictions.

So I guess what I am saying is that when you have enough distance in stopping smoking you will realise that the latter cravings people speak of aren't anything like the cravings you are currently experiencing. They are cute little memories that make you smile when they arise and are so insignificant that I wouldn't expend any effort in erasing them.

Explore what you think smoking gives to you or does for you and find some healthy none addictive ways to get those needs met instead.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by James81

Yeah, for the price of three cartons of cigarettes (or about 6 weeks worth of smokes), I could take my kids to a hotel and a child's amusement park. (And I might do that, actually, as a reward.)

Although, funnily enough, the money spent on cigarettes was never really much of an issue to me. I knew how much I was spending on them, but it never really mattered much to me.

Yes, I know. It won't be the reason that you will stay a non-smoker, but it may be some nice little extra?

Originally Posted by James81

At this point, I don't face that crisis of identity anymore, but living without cigs I think opens up that part of my identity to a big hole that's almost aching to be filled. I can fill it sort of through my chest, actually....I feel almost hollow...like the smoke is no longer filling me up, and I need something to replace it.

Tonight I feel empty (and it's rather an ironic coincidence that it's manifesting itself in other ways...such as financial issues, etc.).

I recognize that feeling. The empty feeling, almost literally like a hole in your chest. I tried to fill it with plenty of things. God, books, my husband, pets... etc.

I don't have it anymore. I just checked and what came back for me, what it was filled with was SELF.

So thank you for this post. I never thought to check on this after I didn't notice it was empty anymore, and I really enjoy knowing that I am completely with and within myself, by myself.

So thank you!

[furndog]

James. This gets to the bottom of the psychology of smoking and the sub-conscious mind. It is one of the coolest things I've seen in a while.

[James81]

Hi, my name is James and it's been two weeks since I've had a cigarette and I'm reconquering depression and emptiness at the moment.

I say reconquer because I did all this last year, made it all the way up to happiness, and then, I undid some things (like quit my job, quit smoking, etc.) and in undoing those things, it's like moving a board that has been laying on the ground for a while. You pick it up and underneath are all these bugs and maggots.

So, yeah, that's where I'm at. Going back over old ground because I had covered up a lot of stuff in my quest for happiness.

And I'm searching for ways to re-engage myself. To refocus the way I felt it a couple months ago, because right now I feel completely zapped. LOL.

And I know that a lot of this feeling is really just me trying to readapt to the big switch in chemicals in my brain. I've taken the nicotine away, and in doing so I've zapped my daily dosage of dopamine.

And, with the stuff I've learned, I'm able to create pockets of inspiration in my days (like I was doing before), but I haven't gotten back to the state I was in about a month or so ago.

I need a good pep talk.

[James81]

I've also become astutely aware that there was still some sort of unhappiness lingering inside of me, and that I become really good at masking and manipulating that unhappiness, but I never really got RID of it. (If that makes sense)

To put it another way, I heard the phrase "an alcoholic uses the alcohol to medicate themself" recently. Ironically, though, I've never had trouble with alcohol (I say "ironically" because alcoholism IS rampant in my family).

But I believe that I've "medicated" myself with other things. Cigarettes are one of them. Porn has been another. Movies are another.

And, funnily enough, even though I have friends and I do things with those friends, I *still* feel lonely and empty. And even though I've had relationships, and even allowed myself to get close in those relationships, I still eventually revert back to emptiness.

And I think, in a lot of ways, I was even using career and purpose as a way to self-medicate.

The trouble is, I'm not sure exactly what I'm medicating here. I've been down every single internal, introspecting road possible. And I really don't want to start doing that **** again. LOL (For both my sake and those who read this ) I've had enough with the "trying to figure stuff out" thing and the "omg my parents are meen!" thing. LOL

Am I medicating a lack of REAL connection? Am I medicating the lack of a relationship at the moment?

Not sure. I know this, I can remember the very first time I felt this way, and it was long before the event that I used to blame the feeling on. In fact, there never WAS an event that started these feelings. At least not an external event. I think it was just a matter of chemicals in the body, and probably the sexual ones because that's when this all really got it's start.

So, am I medicating the big ole wash of testosterone that flooded me then? Are we really just seeking to manage the chemical changes in our bodies? I'm starting to think so.

And, funnily enough, I think it's the ADDITION of certain chemicals that causes the wonkiness. Like nicotine. And, in the absence of nicotine, I'm noticing that I've been upping my caffeine intake. I also notice that the ways we DO take care of ourselves are things that alter our physiology in some way (i.e. drugs, alcohol, food, etc.).

It sort of makes me wonder if creating a strong personal diet isn't the key to the whole shebang. And having the willpower or inner drive to get OFF the chemicals that cause this wonkiness. For now, I'm taking care of nicotine. I'm considering that once I move beyond that, that I'd go for caffeine as well.

And running. I want to start running again.

[LisaDreams]

Originally Posted by James81

I need a good pep talk.

Believe it or not, I read your post and closed my browser. Then I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I wrote this response and came back to post it and now I see your next post. I wasn't going to post this, but since I already wrote it, here you go ...

My best friend and I are similar in some important ways, which is partly why we've been so close for decades. We’ve always supported each other and offered those gentle, helpful nudges when needed. Once when she was giving me one of those nudges by pointing out that the feelings I was sort of complaining about were the result of digging deeper on an issue, she pointed out how it was really a good thing. She said my feelings meant that I was moving forward. I said to her something along the lines of "well that may be true and great, but do I have to do this? I mean how wonderful do I need to be? Why do I have to grow so much, why can't I just stay the way I am. I'm pretty good now, right?" LOL!!! I was mostly kidding and knew the ridiculousness of what I was saying even in the moment, but there was this tiny bit of truth there too.

Sometimes growth is hard. Not always, but when you remove anything from your life that you have been using to medicate yourself you end up feeling a lot of stuff you really don't want to feel. Hence the medication of sorts. It kind of blows. BUT, it is the way to ultimately deal with the feelings. If you've been using smoking to mask feelings or cope just enough with stress to function (but do nothing to really deal with the stress) then this seems like you are right on track. You've had the sort of initial excitement that comes from making a decision you believe is in your best interest and acting on it. That's great and fantastic. Now it's kind of the daily reality of living without smoking as a net.

I think what you are doing is courageous. It is not easy to break an addiction or unhealthy pattern of coping. It takes strength and integrity to do this. Every day you live smoke free you are affirming this. You are reminding yourself just how strong and resourceful you are and that you have it in you to bring into your life everything you need and want to live a joyful and fulfilling life. I think you are on the edge of a big breakthrough in trusting yourself. In the posts I've read you've been struggling with issues around choice and authority and I think it comes down to deeply held beliefs about trusting yourself and that somewhere that is what is going to come up for you. You can believe in yourself and trust yourself enough to live the life you want to live.

Lisa
p.s Now go for a run!!

[LisaDreams]

Originally Posted by James81

I've also become astutely aware that there was still some sort of unhappiness lingering inside of me, and that I become really good at masking and manipulating that unhappiness, but I never really got RID of it. (If that makes sense)

Yes it does.

Originally Posted by James81

But I believe that I've "medicated" myself with other things. Cigarettes are one of them. Porn has been another. Movies are another.

And even though I've had relationships, and even allowed myself to get close in those relationships, I still eventually revert back to emptiness.

And I think, in a lot of ways, I was even using career and purpose as a way to self-medicate.

The trouble is, I'm not sure exactly what I'm medicating here.

Am I medicating a lack of REAL connection? Am I medicating the lack of a relationship at the moment?

You could be. The thing is not everyone is medicating a big deep dark single thing. It can be that your go-to way of dealing with unpleasant feelings was to ignore them by distracting yourself i.e., the medicating. The medicating helps keep you from fully dealing with the feelings and enables you to put off doing the growth or taking the risks etc., that would be involved in dealing with them. It can be a coping pattern that is used for anything that makes you feel crappy. Maybe now you are at a point where you feel able and willing to face any of these feelings when they come up, instead of trying to medicate them away.

Lisa

[Mounds]

Hey James,

Now that you've discovered the joys of breathing in clean air, wouldn't it make sense to create a new thread describing how all that fresh air has brought new insights?

-Tim

[James81]

Thanks Lisa. I read your posts the other night and they really helped. I fell asleep before I could respond though.

(Mounds is retired now, but if you're out there buddy, I may just start a thread like that soon.)

Anyways.....

It's getting to where I have to actively think about how many days it's been, so I suppose that means I'm through the worst of it. I think this is day 18.

I had an interesting moment tonight that I wanted to share. My brother and his wife smokes, and they were here when I got back to my parents house tonight. I had a moment when I went out onto the porch while they were smoking and (for some weird reason) he's been trying to tempt me with cigs. Not sure what that's all about. I've had plenty of other moments when I could've smoked, but tonight was a defining moment because as I stood there on the porch while they smoked, I noticed two things:

1. I had no desire to bum a cigarette off of them and smoke one. (i.e. I had literally no desire to smoke)

2. I enjoyed the smell of their smoke.

I think number 2 is a weird reaction because I think what that's going to mean is that I'm going to be prone to hanging out with the smokers still. I figured that the smell of smoke would literally repulse me, but it actually doesn't. I kind of like being around it. (And being around it didn't really tempt me at all.)

Can I say, at this point, that I have beaten this habit and that I am effectively a "non-smoker" (or whatever you want to call it)? I dunno. I keep waiting for a moment when I know I"ll never smoke again, and there hasn't been any real defining moment like that.

All I know is that I'm beating this habit, that I feel great, and that, apparently, I now love the smell of cigarette smoke.

[Mariana Trench]

Originally Posted by James81

Thanks Lisa. I read your posts the other night and they really helped. I fell asleep before I could respond though.

(Mounds is retired now, but if you're out there buddy, I may just start a thread like that soon.)

Anyways.....

It's getting to where I have to actively think about how many days it's been, so I suppose that means I'm through the worst of it. I think this is day 18.

I had an interesting moment tonight that I wanted to share. My brother and his wife smokes, and they were here when I got back to my parents house tonight. I had a moment when I went out onto the porch while they were smoking and (for some weird reason) he's been trying to tempt me with cigs. Not sure what that's all about. I've had plenty of other moments when I could've smoked, but tonight was a defining moment because as I stood there on the porch while they smoked, I noticed two things:

1. I had no desire to bum a cigarette off of them and smoke one. (i.e. I had literally no desire to smoke)

2. I enjoyed the smell of their smoke.

I think number 2 is a weird reaction because I think what that's going to mean is that I'm going to be prone to hanging out with the smokers still. I figured that the smell of smoke would literally repulse me, but it actually doesn't. I kind of like being around it. (And being around it didn't really tempt me at all.)

Can I say, at this point, that I have beaten this habit and that I am effectively a "non-smoker" (or whatever you want to call it)? I dunno. I keep waiting for a moment when I know I"ll never smoke again, and there hasn't been any real defining moment like that.

All I know is that I'm beating this habit, that I feel great, and that, apparently, I now love the smell of cigarette smoke.

Weird fact: Never been a "smoker" but I love the smell of cigarette smoke too. Even weirder, the time I actually tried smoking, I absolutely hated it. But I enjoy being around, say, my brother when he smokes (which is A LOT).

Haha, figured it might have some relevance, don't know what it is though.

[Lioness]

Originally Posted by James81

(Mounds is retired now, but if you're out there buddy, I may just start a thread like that soon.)

Retired? Did he say why?

[CroMagna]

James, have you considered joining Nicotine Anonymous? You can just google it. There are telephone meetings a few times a day.

[lifetimelearner]

wow you know I never envisioned you as a smoker -but to get to the point I am so glad you joined me in the title of ex-smoker .

hang in there -it gets better

[James81]

Dynamite-Taio Cruz (lyrics) - YouTube



3 weeks and I haven't had one craving today. Didn't even think about cigs until a few hours ago.

I'm beating the **** out of this habit.

[VinceG]

I knew you could do it, James!

[Gabo]

It's great to keep hearing from you, James! Have you noticed any big changes in how you feel (emotionally and/or physically) as you've been making this transition?

[Amama]

The period of time that you don't think about cigarettes gets longer and longer and pretty soon you are amazed that you are an ex-smoker and you start to think you can do anything. Congratulations.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Gabo

It's great to keep hearing from you, James! Have you noticed any big changes in how you feel (emotionally and/or physically) as you've been making this transition?

Every now and then I feel a wave of emotion. I suppose that's the chemicals trying to readjust or something.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by James81

Dynamite-Taio Cruz (lyrics) - YouTube



3 weeks and I haven't had one craving today. Didn't even think about cigs until a few hours ago.

I'm beating the **** out of this habit.

Three weeks was the mark I was waiting for. Congrats. That's supposed to be the required time for beating a habit.

[James81]

Ha, I was totally unprepared for the huge craving that I got today. I'm just finishing day 26 here, and I totally thought I was in the clear and smooth sailing ahead, but, wow, it was a long, iritable, emotional kinda day where I kept feeling that "hole" feeling at the back of my throat.

Most of it is over now, but I totally wasn't expecting today to be as rough as it was (in terms of the cravings and the emotions surrounding not smoking).

I guess there's been some chemical adjustments in my body today or something because my emotions are completely wonky right now.

But interesting enough I don't WANT a cigarette. I'm just feeling this huge hole inside of me and I feel like I could cry at any moment. I sorta reason that this is what PMS must feel like. LOL

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by James81

Ha, I was totally unprepared for the huge craving that I got today. I'm just finishing day 26 here, and I totally thought I was in the clear and smooth sailing ahead, but, wow, it was a long, iritable, emotional kinda day where I kept feeling that "hole" feeling at the back of my throat.

Most of it is over now, but I totally wasn't expecting today to be as rough as it was (in terms of the cravings and the emotions surrounding not smoking).

I guess there's been some chemical adjustments in my body today or something because my emotions are completely wonky right now.

But interesting enough I don't WANT a cigarette. I'm just feeling this huge hole inside of me and I feel like I could cry at any moment. I sorta reason that this is what PMS must feel like. LOL

I know people who've quit and they say that there are still days like that 10-20 years down the line. Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything..!

[James81]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

I know people who've quit and they say that there are still days like that 10-20 years down the line. Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything..!

I think I'm ok with that. I think that's just called "LIFE" and this is what LIFE feels like when you aren't medicating the ever-lovin' bejesus out of yourself with something like smoke, tar, and nicotine.

There's a certain rawness to it that I haven't really felt in years.

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by James81

I think I'm ok with that. I think that's just called "LIFE" and this is what LIFE feels like when you aren't medicating the ever-lovin' bejesus out of yourself with something like smoke, tar, and nicotine.

There's a certain rawness to it that I haven't really felt in years.

Ah, that's a good point.