Can you accept praise?

[Merr]

I was talking to a friend last night and realised that I don't accept praise very well. Sometimes I can nod and say thank you and accept it graciously. Many times though, I don't know what to say or I can be a bit abrupt. For example, many people say how beautiful my daughter is and how much she takes after me or how she has my eyes and I have no idea how to respond.
I doubt the sincerity of people's praise in most cases. Other times, I become suspicious and wonder what it is that they want from me and find myself looking for hidden motives.

This website encouraged me to reflect on why I feel so uncomfortable with praise and I realised that I feel that if I accept that praise might be true, it makes me immodest and possibly even a bad person. Years ago, when I was a child, a librarian praised my incredibly fast reading skills (which I knew to be true - back then I was faster than any other child in my acquaintance) and I replied 'I know.' Even now, I cringe at the immodesty of the statement but I also find it amusing.

However, after the conversation with the librarian, a relative of mine mocked me afterwards, in a nasty little voice and criticised me for acknowledging that I had a talent that other children attending that library did not possess. I felt so guilty and ashamed and felt as though believing the praise to be true and acknowledging it as such made me a bad person. Really, I was just a bit immodest and a simple explanation that I was being a bit immodest would have made me reflect on my behaviour, without feeling ashamed.

Does anyone else find it difficult to handle praise? Has anyone managed to get past feeling like I do when praised? Interested in any thoughts on this issue.

[C Brown]

I have in the past had problems with it.

When someone would praise me or compliment me, I would discount it or say to them or myself it was because of something else unrelated to me.

Now I just smile and say Thank You.

[VinceG]

I accept praise very well, especially when I give it to myself! I am trapped in a maze of my own awesome! And I never want to get out!

[C Brown]

Originally Posted by VinceG

I accept praise very well, especially when I give it to myself! I am trapped in a maze of my own awesome! And I never want to get out!

VinceG is Kenny Powers

[Nennia Etele]

Modesty is way overrated

[Clint Cora]

'Thank you very much, that's very nice of you'

Just remember to use this or a similar phrase each time and you will be okay

[ZephyrusX]

Sometimes I find praise mildly irritating, especially if the person giving it just keeps going on. I couldn't quite put my finger on why, though. I am thinking that it is a matter of self-possession. We are told that we are suppose to be grateful for praise while simultaneously being told not to be immodest. This essentially puts others in charge of how we are suppose to feel in regards to our competencies, but there is part of me that would rather say 'I know that I am competent'. So long as we are not wilfully being arrogant to the point of blindness, I don't see the problem in owning our own competencies unabashedly.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by VinceG

I accept praise very well, especially when I give it to myself! I am trapped in a maze of my own awesome! And I never want to get out!

I did like a 2 min toastmasters speech the other day about how awesome I believe I am. I think everyone in the room was a little aghast about the whole thing lol.

Of course, since I have such a strong conviction in my awesomeness I just find their horror about it to be funny.

"As a solid rock is not shaken by the wind, the wise are not moved by praise or blame." - Buddha

I think we're all kind of like little children who want love and approval from mommy and daddy. As adults we can give that to ourselves, rather seeking it from others. When you feel loved and good already, you can accept praise or blame and it won't affect you because your happiness is based on an internal mindset rather than external conditions. When you maybe don't feel quite on cloud9 like that, then when someone praises you, maybe you try to resist it so you don't feel dependent on them for it. It could also come from not believing you deserve it, or not believing that about yourself.

[Merr]

Thank you all for your responses. I certainly agree that saying 'thank you' and being gracious is the best way to accept praise. When I am convinced it is insincere (sometimes I may be right about this), my thank you sounds equally insincere, I would bet.

Zephyrus- It also irritates me when people just keep going on beyond a simple comment. I think that in itself makes it seem insincere although perhaps it says more about the person giving the praise than anything else? I don't know. I think you've hit the nail on the head insofar as society's expectations of how we accept praise and how we view our accomplishments/talents.

Taylor- I think how the people responded to your speech just serves to confirm what Zephyrus was saying. I think that I don't feel great about myself in some areas, so find it difficult to accept some praise. If I feel okay about something, I can appreciate the praise and say 'thank you' but I don't resist it or feel bad.

[Clint Cora]

Accepting praise gracefully in public whether you feel that you deserve it or not is part of one's interpersonal communications development. So is being able to exit gracefully from a conversation as in the case if a person is going on and on with unwanted praise.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

Accepting praise gracefully in public whether you feel that you deserve it or not is part of one's interpersonal communications development. So is being able to exit gracefully from a conversation as in the case if a person is going on and on with unwanted praise.

I remember once accepting praise by saying "You're very kind." and the person was visibly offended because they thought I was insinuating they were insincere. I guess a "Thank You." is best to come first as it means you accept their praise.

If you feel uncomfortable over getting lots of lavish praise, that to me indicates you need to give yourself more. When someone praises you a lot imo it should feel totally normal.

[Merr]

I must confess, I didn't think of being gracious about potential insincere praise as being a part of improving interpersonal communications. It makes a lot of sense. As does the fact that I should start giving myself more praise. I don't know how someone could think you were being insincere by telling someone they were kind for praising you but it goes to show that there are all sorts of people!

[pianoperformer]

I honestly don't really believe in praise, and I don't like to receive a lot of it.

Spiritually, I believe in giving it to God, not myself. But even on a practical level, there is such a spiritual component to everything I do that I in good conscience can't take credit for it. Even when I put a lot of hard work into something, there's so much divine intervention involved as well to help me get to the point I need to be that I feel like I'm unworthily accepting praise if I receive it.

I've been in plenty of situations where praise is given. I've been a classical pianist since I was five, and have played at many concerts, recitals, talent shows, etc. I love the feeling of bringing inspiration to the people listening, but try to avoid too much praise. There's so much work that goes into perfecting a piece of music, but I always feel that the great part of the work is not my own.

Of course, I don't want to offend someone, either, so will simply say "thank you."

[taylor]

There's a rigid form that is arrogance. It's the holding of a rigid image of superiority over others. I'm good and you're not. I'm referring to self-love. If it comes from the heart rather than the solar plexus, you'll know it's okay.

[Merr]

I can see your point, pianoperformer, about us being God's creation and that he ultimately may have given us our talents. I do think though, that he gave us the free will to decide whether or not to develop our talents, so to that extent, I think that we can take credit for it.

I do think it is important to be gracious though and I think that Clint is right that regardless of the motive behind praise, good communication skills dictate a polite 'thank you'. However, I shouldn't make the assumption that it's insincere or that I don't deserve it, especially if I don't know the person.

Taylor- I can't actually stand arrogant people but I've always found that there are some people drawn to them. Personally, I've always been repelled by them but am willing to give anyone another chance if life experiences or maturity soften the edges of the arrogance. A guy in a social circle which I was once part of was incredibly arrogant but most people loved him. A life experience knocked his arrogance out of him. It actually made him a better person because he retained his confidence but realised that he actually wasn't any better than anyone else. As you said, it's about what you feel within.

[ZephyrusX]

I don't think the matter is so much insincerity. Though to put things into context, I'm thinking more in terms of receiving praise at work and giving it to coworkers that you supervise. I see the value in asking for feedback, but when it is unsolicited and keeps occurring, I tend to get a little annoyed. The speaker is unintentionally signifying to me that he/she fails to notice my self-confidence in the matter. I don't need someone following me around telling me that I am performing well all the time.

But yah, I realize that I'm getting off topic though. As for the sincerity of praise, its next to impossible to decipher what a person really intends unless you flat out ask, so to spare my sanity and to avoid a potentially awkward situation, I just accept praise at face value. I use to dismiss praise in the past as being insincere, but it was a product of my own lack of self-esteem and willingness to openly own my 'awesomeness'. In that regard, I think accepting praise as being true can be a healthy thing.

Originally Posted by Merr

Zephyrus- It also irritates me when people just keep going on beyond a simple comment. I think that in itself makes it seem insincere although perhaps it says more about the person giving the praise than anything else? I don't know. I think you've hit the nail on the head insofar as society's expectations of how we accept praise and how we view our accomplishments/talents.

[ZephyrusX]

Actually, since we are on the topic of praise, I sometimes think that I don't get the social function of it. (Sorry Merr! I tend to derail threads; if you don't like it, tell me to so and I'll keep my mouth shut!).

I tend to be very self-possessed and I set my own high standards. If I do receive praise, I'll be polite and say thank you, but I'll usually feel indifferent about the matter. But, I expect the same thing from others. So when a friend or family member clearly expects some form of praise or criticism (ie. they ask for my opinion on the dress they are wearing), I tend to get hung up on the issue. 'Why the heck is she asking me for? It only matters what she thinks! Actually, this is usually what I say.

To be honest, I don't give much praise. Partially because I feel uncomfortable giving it, but mostly, I don't really get what is expected. If that makes sense...

[vivekt17]

Originally Posted by Merr

I was talking to a friend last night and realised that I don't accept praise very well. Sometimes I can nod and say thank you and accept it graciously. Many times though, I don't know what to say or I can be a bit abrupt. For example, many people say how beautiful my daughter is and how much she takes after me or how she has my eyes and I have no idea how to respond.
I doubt the sincerity of people's praise in most cases. Other times, I become suspicious and wonder what it is that they want from me and find myself looking for hidden motives.

This website encouraged me to reflect on why I feel so uncomfortable with praise and I realised that I feel that if I accept that praise might be true, it makes me immodest and possibly even a bad person. Years ago, when I was a child, a librarian praised my incredibly fast reading skills (which I knew to be true - back then I was faster than any other child in my acquaintance) and I replied 'I know.' Even now, I cringe at the immodesty of the statement but I also find it amusing.

However, after the conversation with the librarian, a relative of mine mocked me afterwards, in a nasty little voice and criticised me for acknowledging that I had a talent that other children attending that library did not possess. I felt so guilty and ashamed and felt as though believing the praise to be true and acknowledging it as such made me a bad person. Really, I was just a bit immodest and a simple explanation that I was being a bit immodest would have made me reflect on my behaviour, without feeling ashamed.

Does anyone else find it difficult to handle praise? Has anyone managed to get past feeling like I do when praised? Interested in any thoughts on this issue.

Lovely post Merr. I'm so glad you've asked it. It resonates with me pretty deeply because I have been through so many variations of the same situation. I realize that for more than a decade now, I've (over time, subconsciously) mostly been terrified that someone is going to call me a show-off, or arrogant or haughty. So I never used to be able to feel good about myself and chose to hide my own truth and awesomeness behind a veil of "Modesty" and "humility." (I mostly did say thank you, however)

Anyway, I've now realized the meaninglessness of that feeling. For me, trying to take my eyes off my own awesomeness and that of others, doesn't make sense at all.

Acknowledging the praise doesn't make you a bad person at all imho. A lot of us are unaware that guilt and shame often just stem from our untrue or at least misaligned beliefs about reality. For me, I had to give myself permission to feel good about myself and appreciate god's genius in creating my awesomeness!

One issue I had was dealing with the question of arrogance. Are you arrogant/immodest/bad/egoistic if you agree with any/all the praise? At the end of the day, I would say it's in your gut. Does the praise inspire in you, a vibe of appreciation and gratitude at beauty of you, or life itself? If you do, accept the praise away to glory! If instead you feel like saying "i know, right?" or "yeah yeah, i know" or just any feeling other than thankfulness, it doesn't bode well.

Anyway love this thread and thanks for asking this question and to the people who responded!

[Merr]

Zephyrus- I have no objections to going a little off-topic! I also tend to start going beyond topics as well because I find myself asking more questions about things related to the main topic. My instinctive answer is that praise is a way to make people feel good about themselves and to improve confidence.

Certainly, in my work environment I come across many individuals who lack confidence and don't believe in themselves. I tell it like it is in my eyes with such certainty that it seems to inspire confidence. I work in education and praise and criticism are important ways of helping people to gauge their progress. Some people cannot judge their own rate of progress and need someone more experienced to do that.

However, in terms of outside the workplace/education system as a social function, I think that it depends on what is being praised. For example, let's say that you hear someone's speech or had a fun day out with them, saying 'Thank you, that was very interesting' or 'You're lots of fun' are actually ways of expressing gratitude. However, if it's something like 'you look nice today', I think that praise can also be used to reassure, cheer someone up who isn't having a great day and to be blunt, used as a means of ingratiating yourself with someone. I don't think I've ever consciously used praise as a means of ingratiating myself with others but I've seen it done and it's not a pretty sight.

I've thought of another reason too... curiosity. If you dress differently from normal, a bit smarter, people may just wonder why so will open the conversation with a compliment. I was asked a few months back: 'you look really smart, you're not going for a job interview somewhere are you?'

Vivekt - That's exactly how I feel and I'm glad that you've managed to find a way through those feelings about accepting praise. Although I had the eureka moment and realised consciously why I find praise difficult to accept, working through this issue (amongst others!) is very much an ongoing process.

Thank you for you insight on what differentiates confidence from arrogance. It actually made me realise that praise that comes as a result of gratitude also tends to be easier for me to accept. It surprises me but I feel delighted to know that I have helped someone and can take pleasure in the praise. When I think of it, the guy I referred to as arrogant was judged by me as such based primarily on three things:

-He seemed critical of the fact that someone as young as me could have such responsibility in my job.
-He was frequently late to social gatherings.
-A 'look' and a 'smile' he would give people, which seemed to be superior in nature. An 'I know something you don't know' look.

He was also a very talented individual and accepted his talent but I actually didn't include that in the assessment of arrogance as he was quite gracious in receiving praise. It was interesting as all of these people were in love with him but I could see through him and I remember once, I looked into his eyes and he looked back. It was a weird moment but I know that he realised I could see straight through him. Later on, he actually dropped all of my friends and told them that he had only spent time with them because he was 'bored' and now his LDR girlfriend was back in town, he didn't need them anymore! They were all devastated, including my ex who had confided in him heavily, but I was not surprised in the least.

[AaronB]

I like the story of the child who already knew that she could read very well who was sternly told how "the game" is supposed to be be played. Before that she probably didn't even know a game was in play. You're supposed to pretend like you've just received something important, even if it doesn't genuinely feel all that important to you, and respond with thankfulness for the wonderful thing you've just been given.

It's all about the pretense. If you stopped playing along with the suggested roles, If you stopped pretending at being nice and started saying what you actually mean, it would make a lot of people feel uncomfortable. No one says what they mean. We mostly just pretend along together politely saying things that we don't mean.

I enjoy moving in the direction of meaning everything I say. Politeness goes out the window, none of it was ever genuinely from my heart. So I'm now often seen as being rude for not playing my part, but once the silliness of all the roles people play are seen, it starts becoming even more weird to play along with them.

You to me are a wonderful example of someone who is interested in being more authentic and real and when pretense is around, you can feel it. I like to consider all pretense really is my own, because I feel the need to pretend along with others to not offend them. But as I develop the courage to be real at all moments, then I create a space where others feel more comfortable being real as well.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by AaronB

It's all about the pretense. If you stopped playing along with the suggested roles, If you stopped pretending at being nice and started saying what you actually mean, it would make a lot of people feel uncomfortable. No one says what they mean. We mostly just pretend along together politely saying things that we don't mean.

I get what you mean Aaron. At one point I believed that people were mostly just repressed and dishonest pretenders who went along with the game. I used to drop the truth as I analyzed it coldly and flatly. Here it is, deal with it. I'm not going to lie.

I did this as a phase and a lot of that time I made people feel bad, but I felt it was the right thing to do because I was being intellectually honest. Then I started holding back, not out of fear of being judged, but because I didn't want to hurt people. If there was someone who was really nice and happy, I just couldn't bring myself to say something rude to them even if it was true. I know it would make them feel bad and wouldn't do any good. The whole process didn't feel right. Something was off here.

I started redefining my own values and realized that I wanted to live from the heart. That means I wanted to communicate from the heart as well. When you try this, you notice you don't just coldly say facts to people. You might start to change your focus from on what someone is doing wrong, to what they are doing right. Suddenly affirmations which seemed like lies, start to make sense. It's realizing that your words aren't just observing, they are influencing and creating. The world isn't out there and your words are apart from it, objectively analyzing. Your words and thoughts are a part of the world and have an impact on it.

When you praise people for things, they feel better about themselves, which help them to do better. Whatever you're praising and noticing in them, they notice along with you and want to do more of. They feel encouraged, uplifted, however subtly. You are influencing the world with positive energy instead of negativity. When you thank someone graciously, you are appreciating their positive kind words, which encourage them to give out more of the same. Expressing positive energy, gives it to the receiver and the giver, so while you're praising others, you feel better yourself. It's Win/Win. They say our subconscious "takes everything we say personally."

If you look at persuasion strategies that seem to work, it's the warm affirmational style, rather than the overtly critical. Being warm and giving praise usually just works better for a thousand different reasons.

No one is telling you "Give it to me straight Doc."

You decide how you want to frame your communication and what sort of energy you want to put out.

It's up to you and your values ultimately.

[AaronB]

Originally Posted by taylor

No one is telling you "Give it to me straight Doc."

You decide how you want to frame your communication and what sort of energy you want to put out.

It's up to you and your values ultimately.

I wouldn't say I value facts over the intention behind what I'm expressing. Intellectual facts always support some aim, and it is super valuable to me to be aware of what I'm aiming to actually accomplish. No one points at cold facts without having a vision of reality that they desire to establish in another person.

I also really like the idea that in my expression I do have the power to say something that energizes, uplifts, and empowers another person. This is super wonderful to me and greatly enjoyable.

Sometimes I do play along with the social role that I can feel impressed upon me, either because it would be awkward not to follow or I don't want to be upsetting to another person. But also sometimes I just don't play along. This isn't saying that I focus on an intellectual fact, but rather that I bluntly and honestly describe my momentary impression. And I treat it as such. My impressions are sometimes volatile as the changing wind, but it feels real to me and wonderful to me, and if I have the opportunity to connect with someone on a more real level, without pretense, I welcome this.

So I see a lot of value in what I say, in that a certain way of being has led me to a greater likelihood of a more real connection to others. And I really value that, even if at times I'm not good at it.

In my understanding of what you are saying, treating people in a certain way can lead to others being more comfortable. I think at times comfort certainly has value, for instance when someone is overwhelmed by life, the most valuable thing in that moment may be an increased sense of comfort. This has been helpful to me at times when I need a rest from the intensity of life.

However I recognize in my experience that above all it is the intention of the person that wins out, not the politeness. When someone sees me in a very powerful way, and wants me to recognize how amazing I am, even if they treat me harshly, I cannot help but begin to see myself the way they see me.

[taylor]

I think you're right Aaron that the intention wins out over all tactics or styles, that's a good point.

I do try to avoiding expressing negative impressions personally. I figure if it's negative, I'm affirming and resisting what I don't want, I'm being reactive instead of proactive and I'm making an error in my thinking I don't want to spread.

Like take someone saying Obama is amazing and incredible and this kind of thing, when maybe you're an anarchy and libertarian kinda person. You can present the facts like you're an academic researcher and give them a 10 point list of how he's "destroying the country", or you can find common ground with them and appreciate the positive aspects of Obama. You can make proactive positive statements instead of negative reactive statements. For example "Obama is a socialist because of XYZ." turns into "I really like Hayek and Thomas Jefferson's philosophy." Even if you have good intentions, with the first approach you're probably going to just stir up dust, while the second works fine in polite company. Of course I'm not perfect at this yet, but you get the general idea.

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything. Maybe I just needed to remind myself.

Back to praise and being polite. I guess all these tactics are lame if you don't really mean them. The ideal for me is not to quit being polite or praising, but to really mean it from the heart. If you notice, most politeness is a simulation of living from the heart anyway. All this basic stuff you're supposed to do: "Smile. Say thank you. Make eye contact. Ask them how they are doing." You would want to naturally do this kind of thing if you were giving love to the person you were with.

[AaronB]

Originally Posted by taylor

I do try to avoiding expressing negative impressions personally. I figure if it's negative, I'm affirming and resisting what I don't want, I'm being reactive instead of proactive and I'm making an error in my thinking I don't want to spread.

Like take someone saying Obama is amazing and incredible and this kind of thing, when maybe you're an anarchy and libertarian kinda person. You can present the facts like you're an academic researcher and give them a 10 point list of how he's "destroying the country", or you can find common ground with them and appreciate the positive aspects of Obama. You can make proactive positive statements instead of negative reactive statements. For example "Obama is a socialist because of XYZ." turns into "I really like Hayek and Thomas Jefferson's philosophy." Even if you have good intentions, with the first approach you're probably going to just stir up dust, while the second works fine in polite company. Of course I'm not perfect at this yet, but you get the general idea.

Before I say something, I like to feel how it would feel to say that thing. Often times something is said or done and before I respond I notice that the only things I have to say feel kind of lousy to say them. This also goes for politeness, where if to say something polite doesn't feel natural at the moment, I just won't say it. So for instance with Obama, unless I had something to say that actually feels wonderful in some sense of the word, I prefer to say nothing at all. I imagine that everyone is trying to be helpful in some way, even if we do appear to be heading in opposite directions. The difficulty is identifying the values that the other person has. I see myself as having no business criticizing Obama until I have at least recognized the values that he is intending to establish.

Back to praise and being polite. I guess all these tactics are lame if you don't really mean them. The ideal for me is not to quit being polite or praising, but to really mean it from the heart. If you notice, most politeness is a simulation of living from the heart anyway. All this basic stuff you're supposed to do: "Smile. Say thank you. Make eye contact. Ask them how they are doing." You would want to naturally do this kind of thing if you were giving love to the person you were with.

Part of my exploration in life has dealt with responding to a feeling of being compelled to act in a certain way. While it is wonderful to smile and feel gratitude for another, if I feel I am compelled to behave in a certain way under threat of judgment, I will gladly take the judgment and play with it. On the flip side, no one ever needs to be polite to me, and they feel it. People who are around me recognize that there is a certain freedom to be any way they want, so someone who is depressed doesn't feel the need to pretend to be happy, and someone who is angry doesn't feel the need to be polite around me. The space I intend to create is one where anyone has plenty of room to be absolutely anything for as long as it feels meaningful to them without ever needing to explain anything unless it feels enjoyable to them. I also let people know that they never have to be honest with me unless they really want to. I find that when people realize they won't be judged for anything at all, then they really relax and a real connection that results in valuable learning for both of us becomes far more likely.

[taylor]

That sounds great! I can feel almost instantly when someone is being phony with me and expects me to play along, which is super common. I don't play along if I'm feeling secure at that moment. I still do it though sometimes and it feels uptight and weird. So, I do admire what you're up to now that I understand it a little better.

[AaronB]

Originally Posted by taylor

That sounds great! I can feel almost instantly when someone is being phony with me and expects me to play along, which is super common. I don't play along if I'm feeling secure at that moment. I still do it though sometimes and it feels uptight and weird. So, I do admire what you're up to now that I understand it a little better.

Thanks

Noticing when something feels weird to me has become really valuable information. Even if I still feel like I must play along, I just play along and relax, realizing that awareness of something alone is powerful enough to bring about insights that lead to a new freedom. I love giving myself so much space to explore everything, and time and again something just bursts free when it is ready, with out ever having to battle anything out.

Life has become tremendously easy for me when I learn that there is no battle anywhere ever that needs to be fought to receive the tremendous benefit that is in store for me. If it doesn't feel easy, then I'm going about something the wrong way, so it's time to relax and let awareness just do it's thing.

[OptimistPrime]

taylor and AaronB: Thanks for that exchange! I really found your posts enlightening.

Also, I'd like to thank Merr and everyone else who replied. This thread's really got me thinking more about praise and compliments, and how both I and others feel about them.

[Merr]

I think for me too that what started out as thinking about my discomfort about praise led to consideration of wider issues such as the social function of praise and pretending v. being sincere when dealing with it. I know exactly what you mean Aaron about sometimes 'playing along' in social situations and other times feeling that it feels uncomfortable/wrong to do so. So I have a choice: do I say/do something that feels honest and true to me but may offend or try and be polite despite the fact it doesn't feel genuine?

I think you're right that there is an advantage to being aware of this choice. I wonder if most people are aware or if the conditioning to behave in a certain way is so strong that people don't even realise what they're doing? I honestly don't know.

Thinking about being polite v. being honest makes me think as well about how some of these issues extend also to communications via e-mail. For example, if someone takes a long time to e-mail me back, I don't mind. Sometimes I'm not always prompt for one reason or another and find myself having to apologise. I know that people can forget, get busy, have personal problems and so on. I don't think that people should feel that they need to explain themselves to me. However, sometimes I get messages from people who I am not close to that say things like 'I'm sorry I didn't write back to you sooner, I haven't checked my e-mail', or 'my account got hacked into' or 'I didn't have access to e-mail.' Sometimes it's the truth but sometimes I have had good reason to doubt the honesty of these statements.

I find it amusing as whilst I don't say 'I just didn't feel like writing to you until now', I don't justify myself. I just talk about things that have happened in my life which will make it obvious that I was busy, or just say 'I am sorry that I did not reply sooner' without providing a reason as I do sometimes feel bad about being inefficient with e-mails. I find it ironic that some people find fibbing to be more polite in these circumstances as surely it ends up being less polite when people know you're lying?

[taylor]

haha true Merr. Lying isn't very polite.

Also if someone knows that you like them sincerely and you're not fake, you can get away with a lot more I think because they know you don't mean anything by a delay or seeming slight. At least I hope this is the case.

Edit, Just to expand on this a tad: Steven Covey has a concept "emotional bank account" I belive it's called. Basically by being nice and kind to people you're making little deposits in the account so they will likely cut you slack or help you in return later on should you need it..

[Merr]

Originally Posted by taylor

haha true Merr. Lying isn't very polite.

Also if someone knows that you like them sincerely and you're not fake, you can get away with a lot more I think because they know you don't mean anything by a delay or seeming slight. At least I hope this is the case.

Edit, Just to expand on this a tad: Steven Covey has a concept "emotional bank account" I belive it's called. Basically by being nice and kind to people you're making little deposits in the account so they will likely cut you slack or help you in return later on should you need it..

Haha, I think people are generally understanding and do cut you a little slack in such situations, you're right. People know that I'm busy with my work (well off work at the moment - but it usually keeps me active), daughter and such, but that I'm there if anyone truly needs my help.