Techniques for facing set-backs in life?

[dancingonmytoe]

Hi everyone,

I am a graduate student in science, just finishing my first year. This past year was probably one of the hardest time for me to get through. Many of the problems that I had came to surface, so while is was a great learning experience and eye-opening experience, it ws also very tough to realize that I have to deal with these problems.

Recently I started reading Steve's blogs, and been feeling quite happy, probably the happiest in a while. Then I overhead another graduate student talking to someone else that she had received the scholarship that I had applied for and had really hoped to get it. That instant I felt like an invisible force smacked me from heaven to hell. I realized that this has been a pattern for quite some time. Many times I try to pick up some confidence to move forward, then a certain thing or news comes and I would lose all the positive energy that I have mustered and crumple until my next realization.

I am fairly tired of this process. I am hoping for some advice on dealing with these kind of set backs. I know one should always think positively, believe in yourself, focus on the progress, etc etc, but are there specific activities or things I can do so when something like this situation happens again it doesn't affect me so negatively.

[Nennia Etele]

A book that helped me with these types of emotional peaks and troughs was "The Breakthrough Experience" By Dr John F Demartini.
If you want to check it out and have a read through. It had a profound effect on me

[Merr]

I understand only too well how you feel. I'm happy to say that I've been in situations like this and come out the other side. I think there's more to this than positive thinking, as saying to yourself 'well, I didn't get the scholarship, that's too bad, life goes on...' is insufficient. You need a plan of action. So work out the reasons why you don't think that you got the scholarship, e.g. what you wrote, your grades, your references, etc and improve your prospects for the next shot at a scholarship that way. Also, you want to get a scholarship so you don't have to worry about money. Figure out other ways that you can get money, e.g. are there other scholarships, are there other sources of funding which aren't scholarships, can you sell things, get a loan, get a job, etc.

You just basically have to be a complete tiger and say 'yeah, I didn't get what I wanted that time, but I'm never going to give up until I get what I want someday.' It still does require some self-reflection and work on your part, as you need to truly give of yourself and learn what you did wrong in order to improve in the future.

[James81]

Depending on your perspective, a set back can be a step backwards OR it can be a step forward in a direction you hadn't originally considered.

[Clint Cora]

First of all, we all have setbacks. I don't know anybody who hasn't. They are a fact of life. Now, we can view setbacks in two different ways. One is the way you've been viewing them, which just ends up hammering you.

The other way is to look at them as tough, but very useful lessons to learn from. Always try to see what you can learn from any life experience and apply to your future.

I've won 15 karate world championships but I've had to lose countless numbers of times to get there, including many times in last place in my divisions. But it's when I lost, I learned the most. This is because the losses forces me to re-evaluate what I'm doing and makes me modify things to make improvements.

If I didn't suffer any losses, I wouldn't have gone through the process to improve myself as much. Sure, you are going to have setbacks or losses in the meantime, but the lessons you learn will make you better in the end.

In your case, let's say you did win the scholarship and the other person lost it. What would you advise to that person who lost it?

[dancingonmytoe]

Hi Clint Cora,

I am hoping that you could expand on your process of learning. For most of my life as a student, I was able to get through with coasting. Even though for the last 5 - 6 years I had to do some work, I am still very use to the idea of following the tide. Can you share with me how you conscious control your mind set when you get into a less than ideal situation?

Also, how do forgive and forget setbacks in the past when they come back to haunt you and threaten your future?

Thanks for your suggestions, and everyone else that replied with suggestions!

[ChrisGinsburg]

Doors open in all directions. It is only your imagination which has convinced you they appear in front of you and in any particular way.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by dancingonmytoe

Hi Clint Cora,

I am hoping that you could expand on your process of learning. For most of my life as a student, I was able to get through with coasting. Even though for the last 5 - 6 years I had to do some work, I am still very use to the idea of following the tide. Can you share with me how you conscious control your mind set when you get into a less than ideal situation?

Also, how do forgive and forget setbacks in the past when they come back to haunt you and threaten your future?

Thanks for your suggestions, and everyone else that replied with suggestions!

Here are two possible articles that might help you. One is specifically for college studies and since you are in that mode, you might as well get exposed to this. The other is a past episode of Motivational WebTV that talks about failures in general and how to handle them.

1) College Study Skills
2) About Failures Episode

Hope these will be of some help to you.

[JupiterSix]

They way I view it is, Life s going to throw problems, set-backs, obstacles, and resistance in your way from time to time. Knowing this I'm ready for whatever unpleasant problem might raise its ugly head. I'd deal with the situation as best I can and not dwell on the unfortunate circumstances of it. Find a solution to the problem and move one and learn from it.