Getting rid of self-destructive behaviour?

[starlike]

Hi. How are you?
I have a problem with self-destructive behaviour. I'm a semi-professional poker player and I'm doing fairly well and I've done so the last 3 years. However, I feel that I'm not even getting close to using my potential to the fullest.

Basically, I'm a Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde- type of guy. I'm EXTREMELY stable mentally (this is what makes it so weird) except for maybe one in twenty days. That day I'm the extreme opposite. Like if I was possesed I do what I know is wrong, for large sums of money and lose most of my winnings. My thinking goes something like: "I know this is wrong. I know I should go to bed. This is the worst possible thing to do." And then I do it anyway.

I've thought about this a great deal and I'm fairly certain that there is a self-destructive element in me and I would be eternally grateful to the person who could explain what I should do about this.

Self-destructive behaviour (in general) - is it due to low self-esteem or what? What is there to do and/or work with??

What is it that makes me use all of my power to sabotage for myself and give myself a hard time?

And I don't have multiple personality disorder but this phenomena in isolation is similiar... I would like that "other" person to never appear.

Also, I would like to point out that this is not just a normal problem with my temperament, but seems to go way deeper. Like pressing a button, for appearantly no reason whatsoever, I become a low-life type of charachter from being an extremely emotionally stable and intelligent logic thinker.

[Shamou]

It probably has to do with self-image... if you do not see yourself as being deserving of success... you will automatically sabotage yourself whenever success start coming to you...

This may sound unbelievable... but alas it is true... we do and perform almost exactly the way that we perceive ourselves to be...

.

[starlike]

Originally Posted by Shamou

It probably has to do with self-image... if you do not see yourself as being deserving of success... you will automatically sabotage yourself whenever success start coming to you...

Actually this is one possibility I've been pondering over. But I need to take action and I don't know where to begin. Without action I can not test your hypothesis.

[RT Wolf]

Have you consulted a doctor, just to be sure?

[starlike]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

Have you consulted a doctor, just to be sure?

Yes, I have.

Clinical depression, medicating (Efexor) since beginning of '07.
I'm feeling better but this still happens.
I'm thinking about talking to a therapist but it wouldn't hurt getting input from various sources.

[Shamou]

Here are two passages from Tony Robbins' book that could be valuable for you...

Raising your Standards

24. Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards. When people ask me what really change my life eight years ago, I tell them that absolutely the most important thing was changing what I demanded of myself. I wrote down all the things I would no longer accept in my life, all the things I would no longer tolerate, and all the things that I aspired to becoming.

Change your Limiting Beliefs

24. If you raise your standards but don’t really believe you can meet them, you’ve already sabotaged yourself.
…Our belief are like unquestioned commands, telling us how things are, what’s possible and what’s impossible…
… Empowering belief – this sense of certainty – is the force behind any great success throughout history.

.

[starlike]

I think that I'm a perfectionist and that I should lower my standards?

[ken nubo]

You know what, bad beats in poker sucks and makes me drink more XD

But it all boils down to self control.

[InJoy]

Originally Posted by starlike

My thinking goes something like: "I know this is wrong. I know I should go to bed. This is the worst possible thing to do." And then I do it anyway.

It seems like there's a gap in there. There must be a thought between "this is the worst possible thing to do" and the action of doing that thing. For me, that "gap" thought often goes by lightning fast, like it doesn't want to be noticed or doesn't matter. It's easy to miss. Maybe it's "but it doesn't really matter" or "but I don't care right now" or maybe it's something completely different for you. Thought always precedes action, so there must be a thought that gives you reason to take that action you know does not serve you.

I'll betcha dollars to donuts that's your key thought. If you could find out what you're thinking the instant before you take these actions, you could do something to affect it.

[starlike]

Originally Posted by InJoy

It seems like there's a gap in there. There must be a thought between "this is the worst possible thing to do" and the action of doing that thing. For me, that "gap" thought often goes by lightning fast, like it doesn't want to be noticed or doesn't matter. It's easy to miss. Maybe it's "but it doesn't really matter" or "but I don't care right now" or maybe it's something completely different for you. Thought always precedes action, so there must be a thought that gives you reason to take that action you know does not serve you.

I'll betcha dollars to donuts that's your key thought. If you could find out what you're thinking the instant before you take these actions, you could do something to affect it.

Smart thought.

I think it is "I don't want to go to bed". Always happens late at night.
But because I'm european and play against americans, playing late night is mandatory.