Uxorious

[sri.k]

Hi,

Here is a situation I do not know how to handle.

My husband and I share a wonderful relationship. We love each other a lot and we've enjoyed being together through thick and thin over five years.

I am a very social person. I enjoy spending time with friends and family and occasionally I also look forward to being all by myself. But my husband does not like to socialize. He doesn't really care to hang around with friends and doesn't enjoy being around with any other family members in my absence. Tennis, dance lessons, movies, walking...whatever it be...it is always just the two of us. His otherwise cheerful and spontaneous personality turns quiet, withdrawn and sober whenever we include friends/others in our fun activities. He is uxorious Although I always knew that this would affect us in the long run, we never really let it bother us much.

Now, I am leaving the country for about 3 months this Sunday. I cannot avoid this trip nor can he accompany me. So, he is upset about it for more than a week now. I am not sure how to handle this situation. I know that I must advise him to indulge in a sport or some activity to keep him occupied. But I don't know what I must say/do to make him get the point. I am eagerly looking forward to this trip...but his mood is preventing me from showcasing/sharing my joy. Yesterday, I caught him crying and I pretended not to notice because I didn't know what to tell him. I feel he is being a baby about the whole thing, but to say it out loud would mean ridiculing his emotions. So, I want to know what is the best way to help him handle this situation well and also use this moment to address the problem of his total-dependence on me.

Thanks.

[Angela]

Sounds like your upcoming trip is an incredibly perfect manifestation of a great learning experience for you both! Congratulations to you both on being so powerful to create this opportunity for your lives!

Three months is a pretty long time to separate in any marriage, and it must seem like an eternity to a man who is so used to relying on your presence. Be tender with him. I would suggest letting him know that you, too, are sad or apprehensive about parting, and inviting him to create with you a three-month period of generating something huge that will really make a difference in your relationship. What you create together in your 3mo is up to you both, but may I suggest Power Together?

For a couple to have Power Together, each needs to have power in his own life, and that takes practice, so it's great that your husband has this opportunity to practice. Perhaps he's just gotten a little complacent because he's had you to lean on, emotionally; three months is a perfect length of time for building the muscles of autonomy. Anatomy, too! -- maybe he'd like to start lifting weights, which is great for self-esteem. Or even better, perhaps he could take a class in a team sport (beach volleyball!) to assist him in creating connections with other people.

A partnership is fueled when each partner creates what (s)he desires, and then brings the results and learning experiences to the relationship and creates synergy. If you're both able to consider the 3mos as an opportunity to lovingly gather power for yourself and for your relationship, this could be a tremendous turning point (in a good way!) for your marriage.

Best wishes and lots of love to you both,
Angela

[InJoy]

I like what Angela said about this being an opportunity.

A few things came up for me as I read your post. First, I would ask the question: "What would Love do?" In other words, if you could somehow separate yourself from who you are as a person, including your own desires, background, judgments etc., what would you do from a place of pure Love? If you believe in God, this can also be another way of asking what God would do.

Another thing that popped into my head was in regards to this statement:

I know that I must advise him to indulge in a sport or some activity to keep him occupied. But I don't know what I must say/do to make him get the point.

Frankly, I don't think you "must" do this at all. In fact, it sounds as if this type of advice is something that will likely go in one ear and out the other. I know the feeling (too well) of wanting to say just the thing that will inspire another to *finally* see what so clearly will help them, but I'm afraid it is a trap. I think Angela is spot on that this is an opportunity from the Universe for your husband to find for himself what will make him happy.

Lastly, you said this:

I am eagerly looking forward to this trip...but his mood is preventing me from showcasing/sharing my joy.

No it's not. In fact, maybe a joyful wife is just what he needs right now. I remember when I suffered terribly from depression I had this one (infuriating) friend who insisted upon being happy, funny, and loving when I was at my very lowest. It drove me nuts. It also started to seep into my consciousness. After some time, it became the most beautiful gift anyone has ever bestowed upon me.

Don't deny yourself Joy. Ever. And don't deny it to your husband.

Again, I agree whole-heartedly with what Angela said about tenderness as well. You can be joyful and loving and tender and compassionate with your husband all at once. If you feel a little sad about leaving him for so long, share that with him as well. Show him what it looks like to feel sad about one aspect of life, while simultaneously feeling joyful about another. Share your enthusiasm for the adventures ahead of you, and maybe (just maybe) it will be the inspiration he needs.

But know, regardless, that path is his. You can only live your joy. What he does with his own mind, heart, and soul is ultimately his decision alone. I do know that a joyful presence is always more inspirational than one who chooses to be pulled down into misery though.

Best wishes to you on your journey, and for your husband's. I hope you have a wonderful time all around.

[Zukin]

Is your marriage an open marriage?

That would make this trip more fun for everyone!