Advice on this would be great...getting past a stressful situation

[m0vingon]

I am in the process of getting a divorce. The situation is not pleasant, but I try to moderate my exposure to the stress as best I can. However, when a situation does arise (a dispute with the STBX or legal meetings) I tend to come out of it totally exhausted and unable to focus on anything productive for the rest of that day. It's very irritating seeing as I have 2 preschool kids to parent as well as an immense workload with academic pursuits and volunteerism. I just can't afford to lose a day to the fallout effect, and yet I can't seem to get a handle on it.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Lychee]

EFT may help. You hit accupressure points on various points on your body using your fingers to help relieve stress.

[JasonS76]

exercise and get massages. Massages are soooo worth it.

[Shamou]

Sorry to hear that m0vingon...

However about your stress situation... you may want to try this... you will feel foolish... but it works...

When a stressful situation occurs... it create a neurological pathway in our brain that keeps us in that stressful state... and, two things can break that neurological pattern, one is time...(which you can't afford) and two is by doing something outrageous and silly... like standing on a chair and doing your best rendition of Elvis singing "You're nothing but a hound dog"

You will feel silly as heck... but, I guarantee you that the stress state will be gone...

This technique is taught in NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming)

Good luck to you...

.

[m0vingon]

Thank you all for your responses.
Yes, I have tried EFT, I'm uncertain of how beneficial it has been for me, but I've not used it consistently. The only EFT practices I've tried were based on a free video I found online and I've done little research into it overall.

Massages are fabulous and so is exercise. Unfortunately, those 2 indulgences require 2 resources: money and time, both of which I am very, very short on. Certainly, once classes are over I will be engaging in more physical activity which will be helpful.

As for doing something crazy to break out of the negative affect... it's so silly it just may work. I think I'll give it a shot and see how it works for me.

Again, thanks for you replies. It's excellent to have people give feedback.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by m0vingon

As for doing something crazy to break out of the negative affect... it's so silly it just may work. I think I'll give it a shot and see how it works for me.

If it does not work... I'll cancel the bill that I just sent you...

.

[m0vingon]

Originally Posted by Shamou

If it does not work... I'll cancel the bill that I just sent you...

.

Ok, then you can just send back the cheque that's in the mail

[shesaboutspirit]

Not to be a downer, but there are so many lessons contained within the divorce experience. The only way through it is to experience what you need to in order to grow and move on. It's very similar to a death experience, except with additional challenges of how you'll transition the relationship to become a two (hopefully healthy) household family.

I went through this eight years ago...and didn't realize the impact of the moment for at least nine months. Then is gently came upon me to process. I called this the grace of Spirit. The stress of divorce is huge. My Dad also passed away at the same time. Surprisingly, I didn't even know I was stressed at the time. It was as if I was in a bubble...in order to get through it, and then the feelings came along to be dealt with over time.

If you are a religious or spiritual person, you might consider praying for all concerned. I prayed for my former husband as well as myself, for our mutual peace and respect and healing. I believe that was the biggest help of all.

Blessings,

Pam

[mentalmosaic]

There is a lot of wonderful advice in this thread!

Do you have a friend you can call and vent to? It really helped me through my divorce to call my best friend and babble. I was so frazzled that sometimes when she picked up the phone, I'd be like, "Oh hi! Uh - I can't remember why I called you... guess I'll call back when I do!"

My biggest piece of advice, though, is to divide up your personal belongings as soon as possible and move into a new space. Don't move by yourself - hiring people to help is cheaper than you would think (look on Craigslist.) Enlist friends and family to help you pack. And donate as much as you can to Goodwill.

Having friends help me move was a Godsend in my case. Every time I tried to pack by myself, I would just end up crying or staring off and thinking about the relationship and feeling so sad.

I've seen this with other friends who have divorced; it's not just me - the dividing up of all the little things in your household can be very emotional. I recently helped a friend clean out his house of all the things his spouse had left behind - they'd been divorced for two, but she had left so many things, even her wedding dress! He just couldn't do it himself. He felt so much better afterwards, and I swear his house seems brighter now (and certainly much less cluttered!) His houseplants are even doing better now (although maybe he just takes better care now that it's not such a mess.)

So even if you stay in the same space, have your friends help you divide up all the belongings and consider rearranging all the furniture at the very least.

You are starting a wonderful new life with your kids. Believe me, it really helps to purge your belongings and start in a fresh space. Being in a new space helps to reaffirm that. It's a bold and healthy symbolic action to take.

Hang in there!
Tui
_________________
mental mosaic - pick up your pieces; make something pretty

[Sunnybayes]

Originally Posted by m0vingon

However, when a situation does arise (a dispute with the STBX or legal meetings) I tend to come out of it totally exhausted and unable to focus on anything productive for the rest of that day.

I really want to give some good advice, but tell us a little more details so that we have a better idea of how to help you out.

How long do the legal meetings last?
How about a sentence or two about what STBX is?
What are the legal meetings like, is there someone that is constantly telling you new things/information?

Or is the person telling you a whole new string of things/actions that you must do, all in legal terms that you are not familiar with, and that he expects you to remember all those details by yourself?

Because, if it is like that, then I have different experiences that I can relate to and then I would have some good advice about how to not come out of it being exhausted, but please describe the situation a little more.

[m0vingon]

Originally Posted by Sunnybayes

I really want to give some good advice, but tell us a little more details so that we have a better idea of how to help you out.

The legal meetings we have are collaborative, which means that my STBX (soon to be ex) and I sit down with our lawyers to discuss the property division. There is an immense amount of stress just in that. My STBX is very emotionally immature and very angry, so i spend a lot of time in these meetings listening to him blame an cut me down. Most of my energy goes into not responding to his negative comments, which in itself is very draining. He really has been treating me as sub-human, preventing me from getting my personal belongings from the marital home, telling lies and cutting me down to anyone who will listen, trying to drag me into an argument whenever he comes to get the kids, refusing to pay child support, etc. Unfortunately, those things are affecting me.

Legal meetings last a maximum of 2 hours. The format is generally that we each outline what our priorities are for the session, information is gathered and we try to hammer out some sort of agreement. If it weren't so contentious it wouldn't be that bad. I typically leave the meetings feeling unheard and as though the process is not working for me in any way.

After the meetings I am always exhausted and angry. I spend the next 24 hours or so trying to recuperate as though I had been physically ill. It's almost like a mix of exhaustion and depression. I wish my coping mechanisms were a little better so that I don't lose quite so much productivity because I'm wrapped up in the stress and anger that these meetings- or any other "run in" with my ex cause.

So, that's a little more info. I appreciate your attempts at helping me.

[Lola]

Dear, dear m0vingon, I absolutely understand your weariness. Please hear these words in the love with which they are sent.

Taking care of yourself throughout this period is your absolute, number one priority. You are essential, your well-being is essential. No one else can or will provide you with the care you require. I understand the demands of children and work but you will be unable to fulfill either of these roles if your strength is compromised any further.

When you put these two hour meetings on your calendar, block out three hours. You are unavailable to any one for any reason during the third hour. And yes, you have the right to claim this. This is your healing hour. Under no circumstance are you to negotiate with yourself the validity of this committment.

Immediately following the meeting, spend the third hour meditating, screaming at god, getting a massage, swimming for an hour, hiking, taking a long, hot bath, getting a pedicure...whatever spells I AM CARING FOR MYSELF for you. During this time - let it go. Process your feelings from the meeting, identify what requires your action and what is unaffected by anything you do. Then let it go.

Make a concious decision that his small-minded, petty, angry, bitter, name-calling, lying behavior is not you. It is not you, it is not like you, it does not belong to you, it has no effect on you. (Be prepared that you may observe an upward spike in the aforementioned behavior when you change your focus but it's for the short-term! It's a natural consequence of his tried and true behavior failing to elicit the usual response from you). When you no longer react and behave as if he is controlling you, he will lose his ability to control you.

Yes, dear, you are exhausted. You are stressed. You are angry. You feel depressed. Your coping skills are diminished. Divorce is debilitating on every level.

So give yourself what you need. Give yourself permission to give yourself what you need. Require it of yourself. Rely heavily on your friends to help support you. And if you don't have many friends that understand what you're dealing with, find some. They're all around you.

Finally, when you go to these meetings, wrap yourself up in your strength. Summon your inner Isis and do not buy in to his agenda.

Peace my friend. I'm sending energy your way...

[m0vingon]

Thank you, Lola, for that lovely message. I will work very hard at keeping it in mind all of the time.

[Lola]

You're not alone! There's lots of support for you here.

You will get through this...

[shesaboutspirit]

Perfect advice Lola. My experience was similar. Using all of my resources to just keep some balance within myself. I didn't have much outer support which was a part of my reason for getting into such a disconnected state in the first place. Asking for help is something that requires practice...

Anyway, I would take an extra hour before the meetings to go park someplace and talk to God. I would write out my thoughts, meditate and pray...so that I could handle the upcoming intensity. Afterward though, you do really need to have time to download somehow. Maybe even the same kind of thing as before. It just needs to be a way to release the built up energy though...whatever feels helpful to you.

Keep talking to the people here also if you need support. We're here and sending you extra healing energy, all you need to do is receive it.

Also, as I said earlier...praying for my former husband did help. He eventually let go of his attack because there was no retaliation. I believe war takes two to survive. The best way to "fight back" in my opinion, is with as much love and prayer as you can muster at any given time. And remember to pray for yourself as well...

Blessings!

Pam