Living with a psychotic mother

[Masha]

I will get right down to the point. I live with an off the wall psychotic mother. Its not what your thinking. Shes very deeply disturbed. Looking at her, youd think, "What a sweet heart!"or "Your moms awesome!" Yeh , many people have told me that. I am 19 years old and I live all alone with a mother that has issues. Brief family history: her mother had issues with her mother and so on. So I guess it runs in the family. Anyway, today I spent over 5 hours cleaning the kitchen. For a year since weve moved into the house, we havent really sorted anything there. Since I spend most of my time there, I decided to re-organize and make the kitchen more like a kitchen. I told her what I was up to and she said it was a great idea. Then as she gets home she flips out! She tells me I shouldnt have put all the spices out in the open on the shelves (the spices were very organized in a beautifully alinged row, way above the sink) . These spices took place of empty blue wine bottles from 2001 and empty beer mugs,a shotglass with a mexican and 2 little blue shot glasses...otherwise junk. I had enough of it. It was such a disgusting display of my fathers alcholism. But my mother feels like its beauty on display. Aside from me tuning out her yelling and screaming as she took all the spices off the shelfs, and undone my organizing of the kitchen, some of her remarks were "This is organization? This is your laziness! Just like your father!" (R.I.P '05) and "Why are you making it look like your in a f-ing kitchen!!" okay..Then she asks me has she ever forced me to eat something I didnt want? ... She did ... When I was 7 she forced me to eat cold borsche and I didnt want it so she shoved it down my throat and I back in the bowl it went. Then she spilled it down my shirt as I cried... She says I made that up... Clearly there are many instances like that where she says I made them up but I did not. I dont know what to do. Shes one of those explosive energys... or more like a wave that reaches an extremely HIGH peak in a short amount of time, quite consistently. I dont know what to do. I cant stand her. I cant stand on my own either. Im stuck. I need help.

[ArthurHung]

What's the problem? Fear. Not of your mother. But yourself — unable to handle the situation.

Control yourself. Be patient -- with yourself. If you can do that, you will find that you will also have the patience to deal with your mother as well.
Look, you have to concentrate on what you can do rather than what you can't.

"When I was 7… etc etc". Concentrate on how this helped you. From all experiences, we can find some good things if we try hard enough. Find the good immediately as soon as these negative thoughts start appearing.

I saw your post on your addiction to sugar. Don't think of working on getting rid of your addiction to sugar, work on becoming healthy. Look yourself in the mirror and see the person you want to look like, with your physique. Then put this image into your head, confident in your ability to achieve this image and figure out how to look this way. Doing this will indirectly help your situation with your mother by directly affecting your confidence.

Imagine Steve deciding whether to eat an apple or banana, tangerine or mango--he stops that train of thought and takes the mango, rips the skin off and starts stuffing it in his mouth. Then he's already filled up before he has decided he actually wanted the banana.

What am I getting at here? Use this image as inspiration to get motivated.

Make a decision faster. Your mother starts flipping out, start thinking...what can I do?

Leave the house or offer her a glass of water while apologizing kindly -- you don’t think about it, you just immediately do the later.

Realize the better the person that you become, the better treatment you will get from others. And as Steve would say, live consciously.

[Simmiah]

I'm not sure if I should be replying to this & what I say may or may not help but here goes. No matter how much you think you are a victim & you're stuck you're not. Realistically & objectively there are going to be other people who will see a realistic solution to your problem with your mother. There are options. You can move out. You can choose to talk less to her. You can leave the room as soon as she becomes confrontative.

However I'm in agreement with Arthur in that you seem very afraid. I can understand this. I have a mother who I believe has a serious personality disorder. She has become psychotic at times & once dragged my sister down the stairs by her hair (seriously inhuman strength). I've seen her beat up my sister & throw plates at my father. She's also called me strange names & then says she doesn't remember doing those things.

To be short, my childhood was very difficult. However I've never liked feeling like a "victim" & so I've worked very hard to remove myself & better my situation. Every situation in life is a learning opportunity. What is it that you have to learn from this? Honestly I still don't have all the answers but I'm finding them out for myself.

But reflections & what not should come after you've learned how to effectively & safely deal with the situation at hand. Try a good counselor. Maybe talk to a trusted adult such as a pastor or anyone really. Call your local domestic violence shelter if your mother has violent tendencies. Seriously, there are many options (I know I've tried many of them). I didn't know this when I was younger but I do know about them now.

There are probably many psyche hooks you've got to staying in this situation. I know mine. I felt guilty & responsible for my mother so I stayed a lot longer than was necessary. I did learn a lot about my own negative side & why I stayed in such a violent situation. I'm still learning about it to this day but I don't talk to my mother anymore because I don't believe she is trying to change & be a better person right now.

Hope your situation improves & do something about your life. It is your responsibility to do so. You want to be happy so get out there & do it!

[Nala]

I do not know how old Masha is (unless I overlooked something), but some of these suggestions may not be wise or realistic.

Moving out may not be an option for a young person who does not want to be homeless.

Leaving the room when the mother is in a very angry state would probably escalate things and may not be safe.

I have to end this post to go to dinner, but I just wanted to jump in and make sure people aren't giving (possibly) unsound advice.

[Dharma]

The way your mother treats you is how you treat yourself.

Is there a constant critic in your head? Look at your thoughts. You may not even know you're doing it.

[ArthurHung]

Leaving the room when the mother is in a very angry state would probably escalate things and may not be safe.

I definitely agree with you that in some circumstances, this would be horrible. Of course, it always depends. I lean towards the idea that immediate proactive action is generally preferable to "just taking in all the negativity". From what I take from the post Masha is standing there as her mother screams at her, decreasing her confidence severely. In taking proactive action, going through the decision loop cycle and immediately using intuition to decide the best one (I should have stated this clearly)--the dynamics of the situation I would think, would somewhat neutralize. The mother knows too well right now that Masha would not do anything and being such, goes overboard when insecure. If Masha showed strength, as in calm under a stressful situation or just any form of a positive immediate proactive approach--the mother's level of consciousness would be raised if only slightly, and be at least a bit more amiable.

[Nala]

I just re-read the post and saw that Masha indicates that she is 19. It sounds like she is at an age where she can start to take some proactive steps.

I also have a crazy mother. When I was younger, acting in any way differently than I did might have resulted in serious physical and/or degrading violence.

Now that I am an adult, I don't have to fear things such as not having a place to live or catching a beating. I learned that the best way to deal with her when she starts acting nuts is to very sternly scold her in a calm way. Just one word does it: "Mother." I say this in a way that lets her know that I will walk out and/or emotionally leave her if she continues the crazy behaviour. Basically, she understands that I will not accept being treated badly. I don't think this would have worked as a child (I couldn't really leave her!) but works well now.

[Keith]

Not the point, I know, but she's right about the spices. If you keep them somewhere dark and cool they'll stay fresh longer.

[Masha]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Bless you all! Each one of you gave me excellent advice and I took it to heart. My mother and I are a lot closer now. We're a team.
The solution I found that worked best was to talk to her with an accepting attitude no matter what she does or says. Talking to others with empathy and compassion makes life so much easier. This was very helpful. You all are wonderful!

[TimDineen]

That's great Masha. I'm happy you have been able to come to acceptance with your mother.
For a long time in my own life I had a very similar problem. To me, my mom was the most volatile person I knew. She could be really nice sometimes, but completely unpredictable and self-destructive as well. What changed was that she came to breaking point in her life. We had a confrontation which ended in her attempting to commit suicide. It's a long story, but after that happened she began to look at everything in a different way. She got worse for about 2 years, then after I moved away for a couple years and came back, she became a lot better. She's doing what she can now and moving through things that have caused her a lot of trouble in the past.
To me she has gone from someone I despised, to someone I deeply respect and am honored to be so close to.

So what I really want to say is don't give up, even when things get bad. Sometimes you have to let someone you love come to terms with their own problems in their own way. Understanding helps a lot, and acceptance helps even more. Just be there and don't be hurt by what she says, because it is more about her than it is about you.
Sometimes these roads take a long time to walk down, but they are always worth it the end. Always.

[Decheron]

Oh God, you need help and I think I'm not the best person to give it, but if you need someone to talk to, I'll give you a shoulder.

My mother really was psychotic and made me the target of her hatred. The rest of the family were equally abusive towards me. They ruined my life and I'm still paying for it now, in middle age. Believe me, I went through far worse stuff than you've mentioned.

I keep a sense of perspective by always remembering there are others whose suffering greatly outweighs my misery. I also picture my family as little children, incapable of controlling or understanding their actions towards me. It doesn't make things better, but it makes it easier to cope and have patience.

[veranadine]

Masha,

I have dealt with a mother nearly identical to yours all of my life.

Keep your spirits up. Things will change. You are on the right path...seeking spiritual and emotional connection.

Bear in mind it is not HER that will change, it will have to be YOU. And more specifically it will have to be how you interact (or decide not to interact) with her. It will also be a change in your self awareness that effects a change in how you let her effect you.

Trust me, you are not alone. The universal love of all creation is around you at all times.

This is a challenge on your own individual spiritual path. You will overcome it and gain immense wisdom from it in the end.

Namaste.

[Faith]

Masha,

You didn't give enough information about your mom to say this for sure, but maybe she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Go to "BPD Central" for more information:

BPD Central - borderline personality disorder - books, cds, info, support, resources, links

Stay strong.

Faith

[Enlightenment]

Hi Masha,

I know, first hand, how heavy this is weighing on your heart. I had a mother like yours and I broke free from her and her affects on me. I'm a big believer in counselling, as well as starting on your own spiritual growth.

Have you applied to university yet? This would be a great way to start a new life. You sound very intelligent and I think you would excell there. It would boost your confidence and you would have normal (fairly anyway!) people confirming your ideas instead of abusing you. Just an idea.

I think you have stayed there far too long for your own good and you must break free from her and start your own life. You may feel old, but you are still very young and can achieve great things. Don't look back though, otherwise your mother, or memories of her, will sabotage your efforts.

Seek counselling. You can call the distress centre in your area and get some numbers of qualified counsellors who probably charge very little or nothing for their services. Good luck and God bless you!