We derive 80% of joy in life from relationships

[Julia.Ru]

I've recently read that we derive 80% of joy from our relationships. Somewhere under skin I've always felt that, perhaps. But what to do if find socializing with other people unpleasant? I don't like to communicate with people and I've never liked it. But I've always felt that the biggest and
most important part is missing in my life and that without it I CAN'T feel complete. I pushed myself to socialize more and improved my communicative skills, but I really enjoyed talking to others probably just a couple of times in my life. I don't like it, I don't need it. I prefer staying at home. I need my family to be around, but usually I say just a couple of words during the day, I just don't need more though I love them. So, I don't like communicating (thought I sinerely tried to love it) and there are these problems: 1) I'm forced to communicate as I'm forced to go outside (work, shops, awful buses, etc.); 2) I've never had friends at all with whom I could go to a cafe, for example, and I value friendship most of all in this life! 3) I've never had a boyfriend, there's a chance for me to go through life alone till the end. All these thoughts may seem contradictive, but I can't explain better. (Btw, I can't say whether I love people or not, because for me it always depends on a certain person). So, the point is this: I don't like communicating with others (though I'm not bad at it at all), but living on this planet you just have to do it, otherwise you'll miss too much. How to solve this problem?

[Akashic_Librarian]

Didi you know 95% of statistics are made up on the spot :-P

No seriously. Interesting post!

[joelyle]

I share many of your feelings. Perhaps (and I will focus on this also): seek ways to be compassionate/vs. communicating. Ease suffering wherever you see it. Move according to your feelings vs. thinking. I believe the relationship with yourself is 80% of life;the other 20% will be a reflection of this.

Peace.

[Angela]

Julia.Ru, would you like to feel connected to people? Do you like to feel related?

I wonder if you are married to a certain way that communication should look, a way that doesn't feel good to you. Is it time to examine what "communication" means for you, and see if there's something there that holds you back from what you really want to have in your relationship with others?

[JHL]

Originally Posted by Julia.Ru

I've recently read that we derive 80% of joy from our relationships. Somewhere under skin I've always felt that, perhaps. But what to do if find socializing with other people unpleasant? I don't like to communicate with people and I've never liked it. But I've always felt that the biggest and
most important part is missing in my life and that without it I CAN'T feel complete. I pushed myself to socialize more and improved my communicative skills, but I really enjoyed talking to others probably just a couple of times in my life. I don't like it, I don't need it. I prefer staying at home. I need my family to be around, but usually I say just a couple of words during the day, I just don't need more though I love them. So, I don't like communicating (thought I sinerely tried to love it) and there are these problems: 1) I'm forced to communicate as I'm forced to go outside (work, shops, awful buses, etc.); 2) I've never had friends at all with whom I could go to a cafe, for example, and I value friendship most of all in this life! 3) I've never had a boyfriend, there's a chance for me to go through life alone till the end. All these thoughts may seem contradictive, but I can't explain better. (Btw, I can't say whether I love people or not, because for me it always depends on a certain person). So, the point is this: I don't like communicating with others (though I'm not bad at it at all), but living on this planet you just have to do it, otherwise you'll miss too much. How to solve this problem?

Hi Julia, what I get from your post is that you sense that relationships are very meaningful and important for you to feel complete, but that you just dont enjoy socialising with people and basically doing the things that help form meaningful relationships. You feel that you may be missing out on a very important part of life.

It sounds like you may be an introvert. And there's nothing wrong with that, many people are introverts and find social contact of any sort unpleasant to some degree. But if its causing concern for you and you would like to become more proficient at social interaction, then you can!

I would suggest doing some research on introversion on the net. You will find that its much more common than you may think! You will also find many techniques and approaches to help give you the confidence and sense of comfort to be able to happily interact on a social level.

I would be interested to hear from you what makes it unpleasant for you to socialise with other people. Why do you think it makes you feel uncomfortable?

[Simmiah]

You know I had the same impression also growing up. & I actually consciously tried to integrate this belief that I had to socialize the way others seemed to to be happy even though when I was a child I derived a good chunk of my happiness from being alone & feeling one with the universe.

Fast forward, I've chucked that belief out the window. I figure if you're happy & content why change things? Maybe I'm reading this wrongly but it seems you're more like me. You don't need socialization as much as others & that's fine. I spend a lot of my time reading books, staying home, watching shows I like, whatever I feel like that day. & I actually found my problem that was occurring (discomfort) was coming from trying to force myself to be something I wasn't & there was a resistance that kept coming up until I just said, "okay this is the way I am. I like it. Don't bother to change it then." Hope that helps!

[toptemp]

I know exactly what you mean. Similar to yourself, I am by no means bad at communicating. Others see my as charming and personable. Unfortunately, I am putting it all on in one sense-- I don't feel what I do; it's all controlled by me in a very precise way!

Opposed to some, I would not say that accepting your "introversion" is the way to go. Ultimately, I don't believe in introversion, only error, selfishness, and fear. (Error being the category that we fit into, and possibly a tad selfishness at the core.)

Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to fix this "error" yet, but I sense that I must change a mindset that is very set in its ways. That being said, I will probably end up trying to think differently, consistently. I've had moments where I've done so for just a few moments, and I can imagine feeling the connection with others that I never seem to actually arrive at in person (for most relationships). It's just so hard to stay there! We are definitely creatures of habit, but at the same time, we are definitely free to choose who we are.

[Jill]

Socializing in person for an introvert is very hard and often not very fun.

We are lucky to live in an age where we can derive the same benefits of socializing in person, by socializing with like-minded individuals online.

Julia, do you enjoy belonging to various online communities? If so, you can get just as much (if not more) benefit from that as you can with in-person stuff. Eventually, your online activities may make you more comfortable with your 'real life' ones. But if not, that's okay too.

[Julia.Ru]

Thank you for your replies, guys!
I've always known I'm mostly an introvert, but somehow I haven't thought about this fact and about this phenomenon for a long time, that's why it hasn't occured to me recently that all my problems may have to do with this. Your posts have made me think that the root of my troubles is in introversion. Now it makes sense for me to learn about introversion more, as I know just the basics. Maybe this will help.

[introspective1]

I don't see how this is true. I HATE relationships (at least in this point in my life). They make people SO bitter cause i have seen it happen to people around me and they are too little joy for so much pain. Someone should tell me i am wrong so i can change my views....

[CameronS]

In the end, when you're old and gray, it's the relationships you've built along the way that really help you in ways other things cannot.

[Joe826]

Originally Posted by Julia.Ru

Thank you for your replies, guys!
I've always known I'm mostly an introvert, but somehow I haven't thought about this fact and about this phenomenon for a long time, that's why it hasn't occured to me recently that all my problems may have to do with this. Your posts have made me think that the root of my troubles is in introversion.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the root of all your problems is yourself. It is true that some people are less social than others, but blaming all your problems on being an introvert won't help you in the least. If you don't have a strong need for relationships as others do, then that's completely cool. Accept yourself and you have no reason not to enjoy life, even when you do have to interact with people.

If you're like I was (a self-proclaimed introvert), then there is more below the surface. In my case, I didn't like to interact with people, but it's because I felt like I didn't fit it. There were underlying problems that made the situation uncomfortable for me.

To make matters worse, my unhappiness was compounded by seeing all the "normal" people interacting and feeling like I was weird or broken in some way.

In the end it all comes down to self-acceptance. Self-love. I guarantee that's where all your problems lie. Try to forget about what society thinks you should do, and worry about loving yourself. Accept and love your flaws as well as your strengths. It can be a long process depending on how you currently view yourself, but it's so totally worth it.

I went through the same process and, to my amazement, I realized that I genuinely do like people. I just hadn't realized it before because of my own hang-ups. Maybe it will be the same for you and maybe it won't, but the best place to put your time and attention is still inside.