Jealousy...

[Mikahcho]

What do you do to get over the feeling of jealousy?

I'm part of a group of friends, and basically, all of them are perfect. But we got on fine, I was a little jealous, but it was in control, and everyone had fun.

But then another guy got introduced into the group, and he's even more perfect... They all look perfect, speak perfectly, excel in all of their hobbies and are ******* funny...

And I'm ugly, talk weird, can't seem to get good at any hobbies I try and get depressed and boring...

All of them started being awesome together, and I'd fade into the background, and miss loads of inside jokes, and even if I do, it's unfunny when I try to use it.

Whenever it's just me, and one of them, it feels like they're just treating me like I'm a substitute, and then they start having fun when any of the other guys are there.

I can't just ignore them either, seeing as we're grouped together everyday...

What do I do...?

[tamzdance]

Originally Posted by Mikahcho

What do you do to get over the feeling of jealousy?

I'm part of a group of friends, and basically, all of them are perfect. I can't help but doubt they are perfect--no one is. But we got on fine, I was a little jealous, but it was in control, and everyone had fun.

But then another guy got introduced into the group, and he's even more perfect... They all look perfect, speak perfectly, excel in all of their hobbies What is this assessment based on? and are ******* funny...

And I'm ugly, talk weird, can't seem to get good at any hobbies I try and get depressed and boring...Is that you in your avatar? You are certainly not ugly---you are quite handsome, Mikahcho.

All of them started being awesome together, and I'd fade into the background, and miss loads of inside jokes, and even if I do, it's unfunny when I try to use it.

Whenever it's just me, and one of them, it feels like they're just treating me like I'm a substitute, and then they start having fun when any of the other guys are there. May I ask how old is this group of friends?

I can't just ignore them either, seeing as we're grouped together everyday... Explain this more. Do you mean they are classmates and you have to sit with them...what exactly forces you to be with this group everyday?

What do I do...?

Try not to be too hard on yourself around this bunch. Instead, be true to who you are and do it proudly. Practice this everyday.

[Mikahcho]

^Thanks for responding, Tamz

I can't help but doubt they are perfect--no one is.

Until you meet them, you won't know how perfect they all are, it's seriously unreal.

They all look perfect, speak perfectly, excel in all of their hobbies and are ******* funny...

What is this assessment based on?

Let's look at it bit by bit...

Looking perfect - They are all models.
Speak perfectly - Comparatively, they all have great voices, and the ability to sing
Hobbies - Their hobbies are often also their jobs. Game designing, manga creating, modelling, etc, etc. Two of them also dance, and have reached the world finals of a dancing competition
Funny - They make everyone laugh

Is that you in your avatar? You are certainly not ugly---you are quite handsome, Mikahcho.

Hand-picked avatars often have that affect, you'd almost definitely disagree with yourself if it was a randomly chosen picture of me

May I ask how old is this group of friends?

All my age, 19, though one is 24

Do you mean they are classmates and you have to sit with them...what exactly forces you to be with this group everyday?

They are my friends at university, our families are close friends, and we've been grouped together to carry out all of our projects together.

I do NOT hate these people. I hate the jealousy that washes over me. It's a personal, emotional problem.

[SourLemons]

Rather than focusing on the other person, focus on yourself.

I remember when I was jealous. I was dating? this girl during the summer. We used to go out a lot. One day, we went to a fish store and there was this guy who was clearly hitting on her. I have low self esteem and because I do, I have this stupid belief that all white guys are more attractive than me; like you I am asian. Anyway, this guy was hitting on her and was using all the moves to try to get with her and at the same time, trying to make me look bad in front of her. At the end of the day, I was pissed and didn't know what to do.

Months later, I read an article on jealously and noticed that it is right. Most girls aren't aware when guys are hitting on them when they are with their mates. Also, me being jealous is a sign that I was insecure. I also recall that the girl hates cool people and the guy was trying to act cool; she also ignored him when he was trying to use movie references on her. Obviously, the guy was a pig and a loser since he would hit on any women he says, even mothers.

Also, I noticed that the girl I was with was only interested in asian guys and used to love being with me. However, because of my jealously (I was jealous when she started to hang out with another guy, who is also asian), it ruined that relationship. I was so focused on how other ppl appeared that I overlooked the fact that this girl likes me and wants to be with me. My now former friend made things worse, but still, my jealously is what ended it. If I wasn't so focused on my jealously, I am sure I will still be with this girl.

My point is that you are over analyzing the situation with your friends. You don't know these guys 24/7. I am sure they have problems of their own, but aren't sharing it to the rest of the group. I am certain that one of these friends are jealous over you and how you have it made. I am not saying this to make you feel better, but most likely they see you as a friend, and because of that, they admire you for who you are.

[anniecooper]

By the sounds of it you're putting too much though into this. The way a "group of friends" works is that you're a core part, a little exciting spark comes along and everyone gets attached to it cause it's new and fun and then they either fade away or become part of the core.

It sounds like maybe you have feelings for someone in the group and try to be the "dominant" male so that you will be noticed more... am i hitting the mark or way off?


By the way, you're not ugly, talk weird? Maybe.... i need more information lol and as for not being good at hobbies... the only hobby i have is my horse riding, that i'm good at, at least. And NONE of my friends relate to that... but it doesn't mean anything to them, when you find something you are good at, you don't have to like it just because others think you should, you're a unique individual and can do whatever you like.


As for what "can you do"... i think you need to work on a bit of self esteem and try build yourself up, you gotta be happy with yourself, and right now it seems like you're not, which is why you get "sad and depressed" when you feel like what you're doing doesn't fit in.


I'm pretty high on codeine right now and i have no idea if this is making sense... =)

[anniecooper]

Originally Posted by SourLemons

My point is that you are over analyzing the situation with your friends. You don't know these guys 24/7. I am sure they have problems of their own, but aren't sharing it to the rest of the group. I am certain that one of these friends are jealous over you and how you have it made. I am not saying this to make you feel better, but most likely they see you as a friend, and because of that, they admire you for who you are.

^

[supertom]

I think your as good as them, seems like they only let awesome people into the group .. they let you in.. so they think your pretty awesome. Perhaps the new guy merged into the group faster and deeper than you. Thats alright it happens. Is there something that makes you stick out... ethnicity, skin colour??

I believe overall in their eyes your as good as them thats why your in the group.

[Mikahcho]

Thank you for that story Sour! Very insightful as to how jealousy can destroy a relationship from the inside. I'm sorry for the loss, but I imagine the lesson you learnt is one that you remember very often, and it helps with everyday life.

My point is that you are over analyzing the situation with your friends. You don't know these guys 24/7. I am sure they have problems of their own, but aren't sharing it to the rest of the group. I am certain that one of these friends are jealous over you and how you have it made. I am not saying this to make you feel better, but most likely they see you as a friend, and because of that, they admire you for who you are.

Haha, seriously... I know this is going to sound weird... But if you knew these guys, you would be amazed by the perfection of it all. They're also SUPER rich, but don't act that way, which makes them even more flawless.

They've seen me depressed, complaining about my life to myself and then crying, but there was nothing good that they could highlight about my life, especially not compared to theirs. The only advice they managed to give me is the generic type, i.e. 'keep smiling,' etc.

If they do see me as a friend, then I wonder as to why they treat me like a placeholder when the other guys aren't around. That's what it feels like. One of them logged into skype last night, and updated his status with 'Sigh, nobody on skype...' even though I was online at the time... I try speaking to him, and he'll talk back with enough interest to keep the conversation going, until someone else logs on, then they start talking.

Perhaps it's too hard of a question to answer... But how would you react if all of your friends were perfect, ice cold perfect, and you possessed no desirable skills and looked less than average? No external factors, don't think about how they're thinking of you. What would you do, to change things or improve things?

[Mikahcho]

By the sounds of it you're putting too much though into this. The way a "group of friends" works is that you're a core part, a little exciting spark comes along and everyone gets attached to it cause it's new and fun and then they either fade away or become part of the core.

It sounds like maybe you have feelings for someone in the group and try to be the "dominant" male so that you will be noticed more... am i hitting the mark or way off?

Wow, almost 100% on the mark... How'd you do that? Haha...
Everyone was a core part of the group, we would all add to jokes and laugh together, it just feels that with the addition of new people, I'm getting eased out as the weakest link... And they all make new jokes together, about being sexy, and whatnot. I have my sexual insecurities, so I prefer not to join in with those jokes, but it seems that the number of topics that they're comfortable with talking about, and I'm not, is increasing.

Hmmm, I'd developed my feelings for someone, but I didn't have feelings for that person. They'd just become important to me. But as soon as that was in full swing, the lastest addition got added to the group, and to be honest, it's as though he's muscling in. I don't want a relationship or sex, but it's like I'm being replaced, and he becomes a popular topic, when we're having conversations... Such as how funny he is, how big his muscles are, etc. The only strength I have, above him, is being poetic/on the spot rapping. But that's not much, against his perfect way haha...

As far as being the dominant one is concerned, I don't think anyone is trying to be the team leader, honestly.

Thank you for the additional advice... I like you already haha...

I think your as good as them, seems like they only let awesome people into the group .. they let you in.. so they think your pretty awesome. Perhaps the new guy merged into the group faster and deeper than you. Thats alright it happens. Is there something that makes you stick out... ethnicity, skin colour??

I believe overall in their eyes your as good as them thats why your in the group.

Actually, I kinda started the group... Haha... It started as a Skype group conversation, and then we started university and stuck together.

The new guy was a friend of one of the guys, so there was already a connection there. He instantly got connected to the other friend, too. I tried my best to like him, and it isn't his fault, but his perfection out-shined his personality, in my eyes, and it got to me.

Two of the are Saudi Arabian, one is Spanish and I'm Bengali. Saudi Arabians tend to be quite gorgeous automatically, Spaniards are hawt as hell and Bengalis are like hobbits, naturally!

I may have been good enough before, but am I still good enough...? I don't know, I'm quite confused... Thanks for the help...

[Foggy]

Hey man, first, for what it's worth, if you can freestyle that's awesome! That **** is hard to do.

And I can relate. Almost all my best friends are more talented than me at most things and better looking to boot. Is it frustrating? Well, yes sometimes, but my friends are awesome and I love them. Do you have close connections with any of these people? From what you've described here it sounds like they are kind of superficial. If you feel like you're getting pushed out maybe it's because you aren't a very good match for this group of people. It has nothing to do with you being inadequate. You just seem to be interested in talking/joking about different things which is totally fine - maybe you would feel better if you found a group of people who were more interested in the things that you are.

Also, careful with comparing yourself to others. No one is perfect, just different. If you feel like they're better than you are, then they are. If you don't, then they aren't. Some people are more talented than others and that's a fact of life, but I've found that it's better if you don't worry about that and instead focus on trying to be dedicate yourself to the things that interest you.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Mikahcho

Thank you for that story Sour! Very insightful as to how jealousy can destroy a relationship from the inside. I'm sorry for the loss, but I imagine the lesson you learnt is one that you remember very often, and it helps with everyday life.



Haha, seriously... I know this is going to sound weird... But if you knew these guys, you would be amazed by the perfection of it all. They're also SUPER rich, but don't act that way, which makes them even more flawless.

They've seen me depressed, complaining about my life to myself and then crying, but there was nothing good that they could highlight about my life, especially not compared to theirs. The only advice they managed to give me is the generic type, i.e. 'keep smiling,' etc.

If they do see me as a friend, then I wonder as to why they treat me like a placeholder when the other guys aren't around. That's what it feels like. One of them logged into skype last night, and updated his status with 'Sigh, nobody on skype...' even though I was online at the time... I try speaking to him, and he'll talk back with enough interest to keep the conversation going, until someone else logs on, then they start talking.

Perhaps it's too hard of a question to answer... But how would you react if all of your friends were perfect, ice cold perfect, and you possessed no desirable skills and looked less than average? No external factors, don't think about how they're thinking of you. What would you do, to change things or improve things?

It might be your perception of things that you think you are a placeholder for these friends. It sounds like you could be a bit needy like I am. I have OCD, so my perception on things can be a bit different from someone elses. Same thing with people who are depressed. It is like they say in psychology, people who are sad will see things differently than happy people. I remember when I was attending a university, my college roommate came home. I greeted him with a smile and said "What's up, man?" He got pissed at me and said "It isn't funny!" At the time, my friend has such a low self worth about himself. He probably still does. Anyway, he perceived my happiness as a threat. Maybe you are seeing your friends in a bad light.

However, if what you said is true and there is a possibility that they are using you as a placeholder, find people who wants to be with you. I know it sounds strange but there are ppl who wants to be with you. Just stand up straight and smile! You will attract someone even if it is another negative person. If the person is negative, just be strong and smile. Don't be like me and adapt their negativity as a way to relate to them. I did that and it just makes things worse.

Before I was negative, a lot of my friends seen me as this strong and independent person. However, once I started to be sorrowful over that girl I was seeing, people's perception of me changed. Just saying that people will like you better if you aren't sad all the sad and aren't obsessed over something or someone. Another example is a friend whom I recently broke ties with. I broke ties with him since the entire time I am talking to him, he would talk about how his ego is hurt because some other students in class copied his idea or how he constantly complains about another friend and how he is better than that friend.

[Mikahcho]

I guess I should stop focusing on them so much and just live my life and get my own hobbies, huh? Hmmm, thanks... I know it won't be done overnight, but I'll definitely work on it :]

I don't think I'm going to just up-and-leave them though, I still consider them friends...

[Mikahcho]

I'm sorry for what you've been through... And thank you for the advice, everyone, I think I'll get over it. It's just, when deep inside the situation, it's hard to realize what you should do next. Thanks!

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Mikahcho

I'm sorry for what you've been through... And thank you for the advice, everyone, I think I'll get over it. It's just, when deep inside the situation, it's hard to realize what you should do next. Thanks!

It is okay. I didn't mean for my stories to be read as me complaining since I am not. Something I have to work on since I think ppl are getting the wrong idea when I mention stuff like that.

Anyway, just try not to focus on why your friends are "better" than you since it is just a matter of opinions, not facts. Just ignore it, try to think of yourself as confident, and be yourself. If you have a favorite superhero, imagine being that superhero. Yeah, I know it is hard and strange, but it helps. I have another relating story, sorry but I think I love to talk, that happened a few hours ago.

A lady in my psychology group went up to me and out of the blue said, "I honestly respect you! You gave me inspiration by telling us you have OCD! It shows that you have a lot of confidence" to me. Apparently, when we first met as a group for class work, I told them I have OCD; it is something I normally say. It was inspirational for her since she us bi-polar.

I am sure someone in your group of friends see you as something you don't see yourself as. There is probably something you did, say, or do while you are being yourself that someone in your group really likes about you. Why else are they still hanging around you? For therapy in regarding to OCD, it is said the best thing to do when you have intrusive thoughts is to not respond to it. Just imagine that you are studying and someone next door has a giant boom box on. Try accepting the possibility that yeah, my friends are better than me. I don't care! Hope that helps and I will shut up now. LOL

[Mikahcho]

Haha, nooooo! I like your stories, I love to read anecdotes, and I feel I can relate to yours very well! Haha, don't stop with your stories, at least not in any thread I make, please!

Nah, I think it's a fact that these people are better than me. But yeah, I think I'll just ignore it... Thanks!

[SourLemons]

I think ignoring it is the way to go. I mean, you will eventually wouldn't be bothered by them being ''perfect''. I am glad that you have decided to go this route since the other options are to be consumed by it or run anyway from it. However, both options are not recommended because it will only make the thought worse.

[anniecooper]

You just gotta rellllax! Let life come to you. Stop trying to push things so hard. If these people didn't want you around, you wouldn't be there! Easier said than done i know, test of a relationship with people is (for me) based on whether you're a "" or a ""
Be a

x

[linviolin]

Hello! This is a old thread, but I've just came across it and I've gotta say, wow, can I relate! There is this group of people I hang out with, and they're all really witty and funny. Sometimes I wish I could be as funny as them, but it seems to backfire and I say strange things that no one laughs at. I thought I was the only one who felt such personal emotional things, but it turns out I'm not.

I was also a bit jealous because one person who was supposed to be 'my' friend got along well with this other person and I just wondered why they always talked about and did things that I didn't identify with. They do like each other's company too, and I'm good with hanging out one on one with them, but not so much when we're all together.

Perhaps it's just me being jealous because I think that 'my' friend can't hang out with and enjoy the company of other people. But it's cruel to restrict someone that way. Plus, I don't necessarily have to depend on one friend for validation. I figure that if I can validate myself, I won't need to depend on fitting in too much to make myself feel better.

Thank you for talking about your issue--it helped me with mine!

[RonSouther]

"Letting Go"...A Beautiful Quote and The Heart of Profound-Self-Help.com