scared of people in authority. Help!

[micoko]

Please help me with this! I noticed that i always have an issue with people in authority, that is with people who i deeply respect - i can't speak to them in my usual way, i feel totally embarrassed, shy, can't look into their eyes, think that they are able to see me through. It became a real problem with my current employer, god knows what he thinks of me, i am totally unaproachable and when he tries to speak to me i literally try to run away. How could i overcome this? I know that he's a kind person who really wishes a balanced and happy atmosphere in the workplace and i'm not helping him with this.

sorry for my english, if it's not correct.

[Broadsword]

Originally Posted by micoko

Please help me with this! I noticed that i always have an issue with people in authority, that is with people who i deeply respect - i can't speak to them in my usual way, i feel totally embarrassed, shy, can't look into their eyes, think that they are able to see me through. It became a real problem with my current employer, god knows what he thinks of me, i am totally unaproachable and when he tries to speak to me i literally try to run away. How could i overcome this? I know that he's a kind person who really wishes a balanced and happy atmosphere in the workplace and i'm not helping him with this.

sorry for my english, if it's not correct.

I know how you feel. I deal with middle management on a daily basis and on infrequent occasions Directors and VP's. Initially I felt so nervous and scared in a way that I made a mistake or put a foot wrong as these guys are all on big bucks and positions of high power within my company.

I can remember a few years ago I had an overdue renewal for a high cost which needed approval by the country engineering director; the fact that it was 21st December and the years budget has pretty much been sewn up didn't help.

I phoned him and stammered down the phone about how important it was (we would lose access to important systems if not paid) which I also explained and he told me he would review it in January and not to worry about access being cut off (he didn't realise the file which maintans them expired at the end of the year, which pretty much shuts them down until you get the new one which we wouldn't get until payment was sent). After he hung up I spazzed out and emailed him with the document attached, asking him again to approve. He phoned me back and went berserk and told me nothing happens till January without his approval and hung up. In the end, i managed a work around and it was paid in January. It was horrible!

What have I learned from this? People in authority in the work place are human too, don't let their power or status make you feel nervous. Don't show fear, speak to them politely and professionally. Get straight to the point in as short an interaction as possible. After that bad phone call i do this all the time now and never have problems now.

I suppose the question is why do you feel embarrased, what makes you so nervous and uneasy?

[180]

Fear is the perception of threat. If you fear someone you "respect" is that in someway you feel threatened by them because you percieve them as more powerful than you and/or capable of "harming" you in some way.

As BroadSword says, people are only human. Part of you must realize you are capable of routing any threat or danger they pose to you. Say you respect someone who is very phsyically strong. If they ever threaten to beat you, you're always within your rights to respond by knocking them out with a heavy object as self defense. Done, shouldn't be afraid.

Whenver I feel afraid of something (which frankly is not as often as it should be) I always remind myself I'm capable of outsmarting that person in some way. Once I had my immediate supervisor yelled at the top of his lungs reprimanding me for taking a break (which is completely within my bounds, he just was having a bad day and taking it out on ALL the employees, not just me) after his tirade, everyone was so scared. After they commented "180 you didn't even flinch? How could you handle it so calmly?" I just told them, "He can't do anything to me, he can't fire me, he can't kill me, he can't beat me, he basically has no power over me. If he wants to fire me I can go to the education board. I took my break when I could, and he doesn't have a leg to stand on.". This is something I've learned from my students. Kids don't care what their parents tell them because they can't/won't do anything to them. Difficult kids know their teacher can't hurt them so they go around the class being total a$$es. 1 or 2 kids in every class KNOWs teachers can't beat them, make them do homework, participate, sit in their sit, or do anything. So they are totally fearless. While bad for me, good for them. And I took this "Lion's" method and used it as my own.

If you are feeling threatened because they are a higher position in a job. Remind yourself no matter what they do to you, you can get another job, you can sue, you could find a way to circumvent threat or get one over them. Everyone has several weaknesses. Great kings, judges, politicians, bosses, physically strong, mafia... everyone has a weakness or an opening that is exploitable. Remind yourself of what it is, and don't ever think that soemone else can manipulate or is better than you. If you respect someone who you think is more intelligent than you, remind yourself that intelligence comes at a cost. Most often intelligent people have damaged childhoods in some way. Either from their parents who pushed academics hard or bullying in school. Jocks or "alpha males" (which is a BS concept) are afraid of losing popularity or public opinion, they most often derive their power from public support and their likablity. Make them less likable in some way and they will get depressed.

You can always outclass or outsmart someone in some way. I once had a co-worker who was extremely egotistic about her work. She was constantly putting people down to push herself up and frankly other co-workers noticed this too, unfortunately she was so much a perfectionst no one could "one up" her. Frankly, Her work WAS better than ours. She was consantly playing politics to get a promotion or us in trouble.

So to avoid being on her bad side, I simply once in a while "acknowledged" she was better than me. I often asked for her opinion on how to improve my work (but I often didn't care) and on a few ocassions complimented her work. Her ego, while a threat, was also her weakness as it clouded her judgement. Everyone has this imaginary world they live in, and as long as you don't threaten their world, they won't hurt you. Later that same co-worker offered to drive me home a few times so she could give me "tips" on how to improve my work. So it was win-win, I fed her ego, she never put me down or said my work was bad because IF SHE DID, essentially she would be putting her own work down, because she was the one who gave me advice.

I avoided ever being in a situation where she could push down a promotion from me. (Which I was offered later but turned down because I had to leave the school). I circumvented any threat from her. Who knows if I would ever be offered that promotion (A substantial one too, 10%) If I hadn't "controlled" her.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by micoko

Please help me with this! I noticed that i always have an issue with people in authority, that is with people who i deeply respect - i can't speak to them in my usual way, i feel totally embarrassed, shy, can't look into their eyes, think that they are able to see me through. It became a real problem with my current employer, god knows what he thinks of me, i am totally unaproachable and when he tries to speak to me i literally try to run away. How could i overcome this? I know that he's a kind person who really wishes a balanced and happy atmosphere in the workplace and i'm not helping him with this.

sorry for my english, if it's not correct.

If you work on the Death Star, your current posture is quite reasonable.