Shifting between feeling awesome/secure/happy to feeling like I'm losing my mind.

[lookcloser]

I don't know WHAT it is. I've been substantially making progress and coming to terms with many past issues etc over the last few months. I was starting to think, this might just be the turning point of my life! I thought I'm finally starting to walk on The Path.
I left a relationship that was no longer serving me, I quit smoking and drinking alcohol, I'm working to change my diet, I've done significant amount of progress in my high magick studies, academically also, things were starting to look up, my relationship with my parents has never been better and I was truly happy. So happy that I wanted to share it with the whole world, and I was so grateful that I got my act together and never gave up. I would've missed all of the fun that I was having.

But today, for no apparent reason all of my energy seemed like it was sapped out. It started with irrational feelings of anxiety, then some bouts of sadness, then I just wanted to sit and watch tv, but that made me restless too. So I thought I'll lie down. But no matter what I did, I felt like something wasn't right.

Then came hours of introspective thoughts about how futile life seems, how there is no hope for me, suicidal thoughts started creeping in again. And I hit rock bottom.

What I don't get is that, I thought this phase was OVER. I thought I figured what I had to do and working towards it was going to be enough. I thought I did a lot of 'psychoanalyzing' and soul searching enough for 20 lifetimes. None of these emotions feel like are in my control. I feel awful currently.

And I DID see a doctor half a year back, he diagnosed me as bipolar and although I was and still am skeptical about it(He asked me some routine questions, and concluded I'm bipolar because my Mom is too) I'm still taking the meds(Not very promptly though).

So yeah,I'd like just a little help in trying to figure out what I'm supposed to make of this whole situation. Right now I feel so low that I don't have the remotest hope I can pick myself up again.(My rational mind says that, that's not true, there always IS hope. But these emotions are so overwhelming that I can't reason and get out of it) These falls are getting too hard on me. I work so hard and come so far and BANG! I'm back to downer town again.

Yelp!

[lookcloser]

Although I have to mention, for the past couple of days I've been worried a lot about these two guys who are stalking me. At first I thought they were just a couple of harmless creeps. But they are everywhere I am and they fearlessly follow me at every turn. This is putting quiet a bit of stress on me. I hope they aren't some dangerous guys obsessing over me.

And also today I kinda got 'bullied' in college by a bunch of guys I don't really know.(I rejected one of them years back in a very rude way) They are the kind of guys everybody stay away from. And it was kinda humiliating to be bullied by them in front of many people I know. I'm usually not affected but this incident got to me. Everyone could make out how I felt and those guys seemed pleased about it.

Another thing I can't figure out is why I've been attracting such situations all of a sudden, just when i thought I'm starting to get a grip on my life. This is the first time I'm encountering stalkers and rogue bullies. Is it because of fear of success or something? I currently don't have the mental clarity to analyze this.

I just wanna watch reruns of StarTrek for the next three hours, while I gorge on potato chips and ice cream(There better BE ice cream at home!! )

Anyway thanks for reading my part-vent part advice seeking thread.

Much Love

[marinik]

Dear LC we all have such days and some spill over to the next day.... and the next.... It is almost Spring so many people feel down. You have a lot on your mind and what you are experiencing is just "residue" of what you have been through.

Can you report these stalking guys to someone? Campus police or the "regular" police?

I hope you feel well soon!

Love m

[munish]

Originally Posted by lookcloser

But they are everywhere I am and they fearlessly follow me at every turn.

LC,

You must inform your brother or father about that .

[Summerbreeze]

I understood everything you wrote.

Don't feel bad when you use those days to distract yourself with stupid things. Get with friends if you feel alone.

I've crappy days too, what helps is love.

Share your conflict with the bullys with as many people as possible you know.

You can have a virtual hug from me

*hug*

~sb

[AlmostGodess]

My first thought was "wow"! I am never able to articulate my thoughts so well when I am down. Nor to understand my feelings. I am also very impressed by your commitment to change

My body goes into a "Gimme a break" mood sometimes. If it's just a couple of days, I go completely go into this mood and live it to the fullest. Allow yourself to have days like this and find a way to find meaning in everything

Love you!

[lookcloser]

Originally Posted by marinik

Dear LC we all have such days and some spill over to the next day.... and the next.... It is almost Spring so many people feel down. You have a lot on your mind and what you are experiencing is just "residue" of what you have been through.

Can you report these stalking guys to someone? Campus police or the "regular" police?

I hope you feel well soon!

Love m

Thanks Marinik I'm afraid to report them, because my neighborhood is pretty nasty. What if those guys are part of a gang or something? I'm too scared to mess with that.

Originally Posted by munish

LC,

You must inform your brother or father about that .

I did, but they can't seem to do much until they find some way to ID them. Maybe get their bike number even. It's kinda traumatizing being stalked. I turn off the lights in my room and pull the drapes before I change Lol I'm paranoid.

Originally Posted by Summerbreeze

I understood everything you wrote.

Don't feel bad when you use those days to distract yourself with stupid things. Get with friends if you feel alone.

I've crappy days too, what helps is love.

Share your conflict with the bullys with as many people as possible you know.

You can have a virtual hug from me

*hug*

~sb

Thank you so much Lukaas(right? ) Sweetheart *Holds him tight!* Those bullies aren't even worth paying attention to. Just a bunch of guys who think they are strong just because they are in a big group. Mob mentality
But on the low days I think these things affect me more. Glad I identified it.

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

My first thought was "wow"! I am never able to articulate my thoughts so well when I am down. Nor to understand my feelings. I am also very impressed by your commitment to change

My body goes into a "Gimme a break" mood sometimes. If it's just a couple of days, I go completely go into this mood and live it to the fullest. Allow yourself to have days like this and find a way to find meaning in everything

Love you!

The second paragraph was very inspiring Finding meaning in situations removes the feeling that the experience is futile and a waste of time. Thanks

And thanks, for the comment about me being articulate and committed I've only recently gotten better at expressing myself. Thanks to the forums (And Criseyde)

[micoko]

check the hormonal balance!! it could be this, especially if u're a woman. Also make the mood diary- every day mark how you feel. If you notice that is happens from 20th cycle day, you may have a premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which is severe PMS form and and could cause huge mood changes.

from experience.

[AlmostGodess]

Originally Posted by lookcloser

The second paragraph was very inspiring Finding meaning in situations removes the feeling that the experience is futile and a waste of time. Thanks

Nothing is futile and a waste of time. Unless, of course, you choose to consider your life a waste of time

[lookcloser]

Originally Posted by micoko

check the hormonal balance!! it could be this, especially if u're a woman. Also make the mood diary- every day mark how you feel. If you notice that is happens from 20th cycle day, you may have a premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which is severe PMS form and and could cause huge mood changes.

from experience.

I started my period just today, actually. And I get 'em like once every few months lol So I never bothered keeping a track. Do you think that has anything to do with it?

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by lookcloser

I started my period just today, actually. And I get 'em like once every few months lol So I never bothered keeping a track. Do you think that has anything to do with it?

Yes, absolutely. You just got your period? Your hormone levels are still wonky, lady friend. Absolutely a factor in how you've been feeling. I second the suggestion to start tracking your menstrual cycle and the changes you notice. It has done me a lot of good to do this; I feel more emotionally stable these days because of it.

Originally Posted by lookcloser

I was starting to think, this might just be the turning point of my life! I thought I'm finally starting to walk on The Path.

Isn't that how it always is?

Not long ago, I had a bad spell of anxiety/obsessiveness that I thought I was done with forever. Like you, I was feeling pretty on top of my ♥♥♥♥♥ almost to the point of feeling invincible, like I had finally figured it all out. Then I had a really rough time for two weeks and was completely humbled by the experience.

Hate to break it to you, but you're still on The Path and always have been. There's no way you can't not be on it. I was just reading some Trungpa today and he reminds us to "Regard chaos as extremely good news." Confusion precedes clarity. Pain and pleasure are facts of life, doll, and there's no escaping it permanently. The enlightened masters do not teach us to get to a place that is pleasure all the time without any pain, they teach us to deal with things as they are. That we essentially do not possess control over much of it, but ironically once we acknowledge this, we may begin to work *with* this energy and it becomes useful instead of a hindrance.

It's never really "over." Would you want it to be? Sometimes I think I manifest chaos for myself to keep things interesting, to keep me challenged. I have no advice for what you "should do," because I know you're smart enough to figure that out yourself. good luck and keep us posted!

[marinik]

Spacecadetglow is right. It is newer over. BTW PMS can do all those things to you! Trust us. We know.

[lookcloser]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Yes, absolutely. You just got your period? Your hormone levels are still wonky, lady friend. Absolutely a factor in how you've been feeling. I second the suggestion to start tracking your menstrual cycle and the changes you notice. It has done me a lot of good to do this; I feel more emotionally stable these days because of it.

I got my first about two years back.(I was 18) Which is pretty late. So I thought thats the reason for my irregular rarely occuring period. And its a real pain when I do get it. In fact I was PMSing like ♥♥♥♥♥♥ yesterday, I yelled at my Dad for putting too much sugar in the lemonade! I was so mean
And I woke up today feeling absolutely OFF. And I have these racing thoughts also, due to which I can't 'talk to myself' and sort the situation out. It goes into some kind of a downward spiral!

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Isn't that how it always is?

Not long ago, I had a bad spell of anxiety/obsessiveness that I thought I was done with forever. Like you, I was feeling pretty on top of my ♥♥♥♥♥ almost to the point of feeling invincible, like I had finally figured it all out. Then I had a really rough time for two weeks and was completely humbled by the experience.

Hate to break it to you, but you're still on The Path and always have been. There's no way you can't not be on it. I was just reading some Trungpa today and he reminds us to "Regard chaos as extremely good news." Confusion precedes clarity. Pain and pleasure are facts of life, doll, and there's no escaping it permanently. The enlightened masters do not teach us to get to a place that is pleasure all the time without any pain, they teach us to deal with things as they are. That we essentially do not possess control over much of it, but ironically once we acknowledge this, we may begin to work *with* this energy and it becomes useful instead of a hindrance.

It's never really "over." Would you want it to be? Sometimes I think I manifest chaos for myself to keep things interesting, to keep me challenged. I have no advice for what you "should do," because I know you're smart enough to figure that out yourself. good luck and keep us posted!

I get what you mean. I always expect too much from myself, and when I fail I beat myself up. And your right, I don't want it to be all 'over'. Things would be kind of a drag if it was all perfect! And the euphoric phase I go through initially when I make my way out of these kinda situations is priceless!

Thank you for offering a different, healthier perspective, I could use

Lol, I remember when I was 15 I thought I knew everything there IS to know about the ways of life, people and the world. No kidding And boy was I wrong

[spacecadetglow]

Yeah, well I think as we mature life becomes more of an undoing process. We're continuously kind of humbled by how little we know, and as a result our egos shrink and we can let in more love. That's what my experience has been, anyway.

And yes, your period will even out with time. After my first period, I didn't get another one for something like a year and a half. The body is no perfect machine. Have you ever heard of fertility awareness? I'm reading this book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and it details how you can track what stage you're at in your cycle. This will give you insight into what's going on hormonally. You'll start to notice patterns in yourself and hopefully some things that help you understand and take control of your biochemistry. I find that vigorous exercise, sex, cooking a nice big meal, spending time with friends, all that helps. Do what makes YOU feel good, remember that you need some special care around that time of the month.

Edit: Adding that biochemistry plays a huge role in your mental health! Huge!

[scotthegeek]

Originally Posted by lookcloser

I just wanna watch reruns of StarTrek for the next three hours, while I gorge on potato chips and ice cream(There better BE ice cream at home!! )

Anyway thanks for reading my part-vent part advice seeking thread.

Much Love

That so cool about star trek. When I down star trek TOS works the best for stress. which series do you like the best. I started watching star trek when I was 5 in its first run.

Scott