How does one move on and accept the mistakes he has done?

[SourLemons]

With the start of lent, I have decided to give up facebook and other forms of communications for 45 days in hopes to better myself. I was seeing a girl since May or last year, but since August, I have made a mistake. Since then, we have been trying to patch up our friendship.

My problem is that I know I made a lot of mistakes in this friendship, and because of that, can't forgive myself for it. It also makes me less confident in myself when speaking to others; I am now hesitant in talking to other ppl in fear that I would say something stupid, resulting in them to stop talking to me; the girl would stop or ignore me whenever I say something that upsets her, including words that would otherwise be innocent. The mistakes are not that big of a deal and at best, minor. Logically speaking, I think both and I made are just too sensitive to each other needs.

For the 45 days I have w/o the access to facebook, I am wondering if there are any suggestions I can do to free my mind from her. I am not looking for any harsh suggestions like "Get over it! She wasn't into you in the first place!" since I would get defensive and it would just make things worse for me. Instead, I just want suggestions in how to get over her, but at the same time still like. What I mean is how do I accept the mistakes I have made in this friendship without being angry or upset at myself and at her. Currently, I have been thinking about her all the time and when I think of the mistakes I have made in this friendship, it makes me depressed.

[Broadsword]

Originally Posted by SourLemons

With the start of lent, I have decided to give up facebook and other forms of communications for 45 days in hopes to better myself. I was seeing a girl since May or last year, but since August, I have made a mistake. Since then, we have been trying to patch up our friendship.

My problem is that I know I made a lot of mistakes in this friendship, and because of that, can't forgive myself for it. It also makes me less confident in myself when speaking to others; I am now hesitant in talking to other ppl in fear that I would say something stupid, resulting in them to stop talking to me; the girl would stop or ignore me whenever I say something that upsets her, including words that would otherwise be innocent. The mistakes are not that big of a deal and at best, minor. Logically speaking, I think both and I made are just too sensitive to each other needs.

For the 45 days I have w/o the access to facebook, I am wondering if there are any suggestions I can do to free my mind from her. I am not looking for any harsh suggestions like "Get over it! She wasn't into you in the first place!" since I would get defensive and it would just make things worse for me. Instead, I just want suggestions in how to get over her, but at the same time still like. What I mean is how do I accept the mistakes I have made in this friendship without being angry or upset at myself and at her. Currently, I have been thinking about her all the time and when I think of the mistakes I have made in this friendship, it makes me depressed.

Giving up Fb is a good idea - as fun as it is its also so time consuming and a waste of your time if you think about it.

As generic as this sounds, you need to move on and think of it as historic, in the past. Learn from the mistakes you made and don't do them again. At the same time are you sure everything you did was all your mistakes, perhaps she also made mistaked and maybe over reacted?

You obviously have to use a little tact, but you cant let this make you become scared of interacting with others. If some people (she) can't handle you (unless your really offensive), thats unfortunate for them.

But as I say, try thinking of it as in the past......its happened now and you cant do anything to change what has already happened. You can however look on it as another poster said on here in a different thread today as experience. You can use these mistakes to actually improve your sicual skills if you learn from them - you've already made the mistake, now learn why you made it and remember what happened and make sure it doesnt happen again.

And as its historic, tomorrow is a brand new day which gives you the opporunity as every other day passes to improve and get a bit better. We're all human - we all make mistakes, stop being so hard on yourself.

[jawillie]

Coming from someone who has made plenty of mistakes in her life, I can say this - we all do the best we can at any given moment, even if our best looks really bad. So, feel free to cut yourself some slack. No one is perfect.

So, feel free to forgive yourself.

Do you want her to tell you it's all okay? Has she? This is an area you may have to let go of. Accept that she is going to be pissed at you for awhile. Only time and improved action on your part will change her mind.

But, her opinion of you is not ultimate truth.

Past actions do not have to define who we become. Like the other poster said, learn from mistakes and move on.

If it's plaguing your mind, maybe try exercising, meditating, or do whatever it is you love to do (guitar? painting? reading?) to keep your mind in the NOW instead of reliving the past.

I wish you the best!

[evolvetofreedom]

We make mistakes during a given perception of a situation. As we grow and evolve we change our perceptions. So if you look at a mistake you made, you did your best under your perception at the time.

If you were to go through the same situation again where you made the mistake, maybe you wouldn't make that same mistake again because of your new perception. You probably made your mistake in the first place because of a certain fear that influenced you. As long as you can learn from it, you will raise your level of perception.

To learn from it you have to accept what has caused you to make your mistakes. I'm sure it is your fears and insecurites, I have them too, we all have. This is when you can meditate and focus on them. Then to overcome them you have to accept the pain in you body and let your breathing heal the wounds for you.

Then you should be able to forgive yourself for your actions because we are all here to learn and evolve into higher levels of perceptions.

[paul1057]

Time is the best healer, I know it's a cliche but it really is, to help spped things up a bit and get her out of your all the time you could try the NLP techniques - erase history. Look it up, it's a great practical techniques to help you detach emotionally from the situation and move on.

You should also try to relax when talking to people, the fact that you're stressed, uptight and constantly watching what you're saying will make it harding not easier to say the right things. Why? You're thinking about what not to say which makes it easier to slip out. Relax, be yourself, you can't be anyone else so go with the flow and if you say the wrong thing, big deal, everyone will have forgotten it by tomorrow.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Good luck with your struggles. Giving up Facebook is good if you are spending too much time on it. I know from experience that Facebook can be a real time-hole that can go on for hours at a time, although personally I try not to let that happen.

I understand that getting over a relationship is not easy, and people do it every day, but it does take time. You just have to get a better sense of yourself, and become who it is you want to be. It may hurt now, but I'm sure in 5 or 10 years, you won't be as concerned about this. Just let the emotions come, and then let them pass as they will. Don't force anything, but don't resist how you are feeling either. Just let things run their course and you will be much better off in the future.

[SourLemons]

Thanks guys for the input. I think I have actually gotten over her a few days ago when I didn't sleep for a day for unrelated purposes. The longing for sleep made the pain go away. Since then, I did get plenty of sleep and the pain is gone.

Granted that she is hardly online anymore, which I am sure played a big role. A part of me wants to say that she not online because of she is hanging out with someone better than me whereas another part tells me she is probably dealing with issues of her own. Regardless of the reasoning, this thought would drive me crazy a week ago and isn't healthy; it would make me neurotic.

I did see her online yesterday before going to bed. I said "Hi!" and as usual, didn't get a reply. Afterwards, I felt bad doing it since I promised myself not to contact her. However, for the first time in maybe months, I don't see her as the "one." I also accepted the fact that I might have drove the friendship to the ground by thinking and somehow confronting her that she has been ignoring me.

During that time, I also practiced meditation, but I am not sure if I was doing it right. I even found a great Dr. Phil article (yeah, I know LOL) online about
stop being controlling and critical: Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Stop Being Controlling and Critical

Before reading the article, I wasn't aware of myself being controlling nor seeing the world revolves around me, but is aware as overly critical about myself. The bullet points were helpful especially the world doesn't revolve around me part.

As for being overly critical about myself, there is a good reason for it. There are two instances (the first one I resolved not too long ago) that comes to mind. The second incident occurred when I have lived with a roommate for the first time. In a nut shell, the first roommate was overly dependent and was get mad at me whenever we had an argument. If I didn't do what he says, he would threaten to move out. When I first lived with him, I was comfortable putting my foot down. I don't remember the exact incident that broke me, but I think he asked for a favor and wouldn't take no for an answer. I said how something to him about how he kept relying on me and stormed out the house. However, as soon as I came home, he somehow turned the argument around in me making him feel angry and said that he is moving out the week after. I apologized even though I think that he should have instead; I took his threat seriously since he actually did kicked out the third roommate we had after that person put a dead roach on the cover of his George Foremen grill when they were arguing. Even though he didn't moved out because of that incident, that event did scar me. Since then, I don't like being angry and avoid being angry at non family members. I am also very critical when I upset someone, thinking that they will end the friendship or relationship because of being angry. Contrary to the belief, most of the friends who have stopped talking to me for a day, do come back as if nothing has happened.

I am working on not thinking of people thinks of me. For example, I talked to this other girl (who I barely know) today for a few hours. She later told me that she had to switch computers. When she did, I said "welcome back," which she said that she can't talk because she has to do something for a bit and changed her status to away. She has been on the computer since. At first, I was having intrusive thoughts that I have said something wrong and that she is ignoring me, but I told myself to give the benefit of the doubt and relax.

I regret saying "welcome back" when she came back instead of waiting for her to say "back" first. This is probably the second time I did this. Even though it does bother me, I tell myself, "Even if it did do something, just make sure to speak when she speaks."

As for needing a little more tact. What do you mean by that since I am sure it would help me improve upon myself if I was given a clarification on it?

As generic as this sounds, you need to move on and think of it as historic, in the past. Learn from the mistakes you made and don't do them again. At the same time are you sure everything you did was all your mistakes, perhaps she also made mistaked and maybe over reacted?

Even though I am sure she also made a lot of mistakes and did overreacted, I blindly overlook it despite being so obvious; she got mad at me for acting "cool" after agreeing with her by saying "Oh my god! I know what you mean. That is why I am taking job classes. I want to move out of parent's house and do my own ****!" Besides, it is easier to place blame on me than to blame someone else; everyone blames me for what I say even if the other person is at fault. I think I have been like this because of that roommate issue.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by paul1057

You should also try to relax when talking to people, the fact that you're stressed, uptight and constantly watching what you're saying will make it harding not easier to say the right things. Why? You're thinking about what not to say which makes it easier to slip out. Relax, be yourself, you can't be anyone else so go with the flow and if you say the wrong thing, big deal, everyone will have forgotten it by tomorrow.

She actually told me that the last time we tried to patch up our friendship. But she said that if I don't relax, she will find it harder to talk to me. Although I agree with most of what you said in your quote, I find that people telling you to relax is very counterproductive since it makes you thinking about being relaxed all the time, which in turn makes you less relax than you were before; it is like someone telling me "don't think of poka dot bunnies!" I remember reading something similar in a guide for compassionate living that states the same thing. I forgot what it said to do instead.

[trevorturtle]

Originally Posted by SourLemons

She actually told me that the last time we tried to patch up our friendship. But she said that if I don't relax, she will find it harder to talk to me. Although I agree with most of what you said in your quote, I find that people telling you to relax is very counterproductive since it makes you thinking about being relaxed all the time, which in turn makes you less relax than you were before; it is like someone telling me "don't think of poka dot bunnies!" I remember reading something similar in a guide for compassionate living that states the same thing. I forgot what it said to do instead.

To relax, try taking your attention out of your mind and putting it into your body. The easiest way to do is the is to focus on slow deep breathing. The breath and the mind are intimately connected, when you relax your breath you relax your mind.

[Stargirl]

First off, learn from your past. Then forgive yourself because you cannot blame yourself for who you were before. You can only learn from it and if you do that, you deserve forgiveness.

Second, think rationally here, relationships are formed by two people. They both are responsible. You can only do what you can do. Obviously. If she is not ready, then that's fine. Move on. Do not cling, regret, whatever. The more you obsess and cling, the more she will draw away, because she no longer sees you as a confident, independent person with an interesting life. You just become a clinger needing her positive attention. People are attracted to happiness, interesting lives, people who do not "need" them, but rather have things to offer!

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Stargirl

First off, learn from your past. Then forgive yourself because you cannot blame yourself for who you were before. You can only learn from it and if you do that, you deserve forgiveness.

Second, think rationally here, relationships are formed by two people. They both are responsible. You can only do what you can do. Obviously. If she is not ready, then that's fine. Move on. Do not cling, regret, whatever. The more you obsess and cling, the more she will draw away, because she no longer sees you as a confident, independent person with an interesting life. You just become a clinger needing her positive attention. People are attracted to happiness, interesting lives, people who do not "need" them, but rather have things to offer!

Your right. I know my confident and interesting life attracted her the first time around; she did used to like being with me and was the one who give me her phone number first. I know I am a confident, independent person with an interesting life, but lately, I have been so drawn to sorrow and pain to the point where I have forgetten that I was a confident, independent person with an interesting life. I think my clinging did drove her away. It is obvious, but I guess I was approaching the wrong in trying to fix it. That didn't work.

It is just so easy for me to not be confident and independent when I am still living with my parents and haven't worked yet

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Stargirl

First off, learn from your past. Then forgive yourself because you cannot blame yourself for who you were before. You can only learn from it and if you do that, you deserve forgiveness.

Second, think rationally here, relationships are formed by two people. They both are responsible. You can only do what you can do. Obviously. If she is not ready, then that's fine. Move on. Do not cling, regret, whatever. The more you obsess and cling, the more she will draw away, because she no longer sees you as a confident, independent person with an interesting life. You just become a clinger needing her positive attention. People are attracted to happiness, interesting lives, people who do not "need" them, but rather have things to offer!

I know I have thanked you with this comment before, but I am thanking you again after reading it again. Just that whenever a person (a female) I think is ignoring me, I feel the urge to try to fix it. However, it might just be a misunderstanding on my part. So I read the 2nd paragraph of your comment, which makes me feel better and stop whatever compulsion I have to try to fix it. Plan to save that second paragraph and keep it on my computer whenever I feel the need to be clingy.

[Verlan]

Lots of good tips here

For me, the key to accepting a mistake is instead of asking myself "What could I have done differently?" (which is in the past, which is not under my control) to ask myself "What will I do differently next time a similar situation occurs?" (which is under my control).

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Verlan

Lots of good tips here

For me, the key to accepting a mistake is instead of asking myself "What could I have done differently?" (which is in the past, which is not under my control) to ask myself "What will I do differently next time a similar situation occurs?" (which is under my control).

What if you were fully aware of the mistakes you did when you were doing them at the time?

[Verlan]

Originally Posted by SourLemons

What if you were fully aware of the mistakes you did when you were doing them at the time?

That's a good question - thanks

If there is a particular situation where I can't control my actions (and make mistakes), then the real mistake is end up in such a situation. I would ask myself what I could do to lower the odds of it happening again in the future.
Maybe I can avoid this kind of situation, if I decide it's not worth it - or maybe I can prepare myself better, practice my self-discipline, communication skills or let go of some limiting beliefs (whatever applies to the situation) so I can handle it better the next time around.

[Stargirl]

Originally Posted by SourLemons

I know I have thanked you with this comment before, but I am thanking you again after reading it again. Just that whenever a person (a female) I think is ignoring me, I feel the urge to try to fix it. However, it might just be a misunderstanding on my part. So I read the 2nd paragraph of your comment, which makes me feel better and stop whatever compulsion I have to try to fix it. Plan to save that second paragraph and keep it on my computer whenever I feel the need to be clingy.

No problem man. Glad to be helpful .

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Verlan

That's a good question - thanks

If there is a particular situation where I can't control my actions (and make mistakes), then the real mistake is end up in such a situation. I would ask myself what I could do to lower the odds of it happening again in the future.
Maybe I can avoid this kind of situation, if I decide it's not worth it - or maybe I can prepare myself better, practice my self-discipline, communication skills or let go of some limiting beliefs (whatever applies to the situation) so I can handle it better the next time around.

Thanks, man!