Dealing with rude and crude sibling

[persephonevii]

How can I deal with my rude, abusive and crude sister without exploding into a hysterical rage? My sister to begin with has an antagonistic personality, it is hard to get along with her even when she's in a good mood. She tends to treat those close to her like dirt; screaming and swearing abuse when it suits her and buttering up and being sweet when she wants something. Sometimes she will trash a room or bashes her victim when it suits her. I like to call her 'A Naomi Campbell-in-training'. She also has little sense of humour, any jokes directed towards will most likely have one being screamed at. In fact, a day doesn't go by when she isn't shrieking and abusing someone, be it me, her parents, her friends or her boyfriend.

I have tried to calm her but she just gets angrier. If I talk to her about it, she doesn't think it's a problem and claims that's just the way she is and if one does not like it 'they can go get $#@$@!'.

Thing is, rage is contagious and absolutely dread getting confronted/yelled/abused by her because unless I enact some crazy self-control (often results in me trashing stuff outside later and my vision blurring), I often end up in a yelling match with her or even worst, degenerating to physical violence. I know I can't change her as much I wish I could, but I can change myself. So how do I remain calm whenever she attacks me? And to stop or at least take the blow out of her verbal abuse? And also how do I deal with her threats, eg: she shrieks 'You don't do this, I'll trash your room!!', without me totally losing it or kowtowing to her ridiculous demands?

[CoachChar]

Thing is, rage is contagious and absolutely dread getting confronted/yelled/abused by her because unless I enact some crazy self-control (often results in me trashing stuff outside later and my vision blurring), I often end up in a yelling match with her or even worst, degenerating to physical violence. I know I can't change her as much I wish I could, but I can change myself. So how do I remain calm whenever she attacks me? And to stop or at least take the blow out of her verbal abuse? And also how do I deal with her threats, eg: she shrieks 'You don't do this, I'll trash your room!!', without me totally losing it or kowtowing to her ridiculous demands?

Based on what you've written, I suspect that you realize the damage you do to your self-respect and your health when you CHOOSE to match her angry, violent behavior. With that in mind, my response to you is simple. Hold yourself to a different (higher?) standard. Tell yourself with love and compassion: "Trashing stuff, being physically violent, and screaming is off limits behavior. I choose peace."

To take the blow out of her verbal abuse, simply stop listening and NEVER acknowledge her words. Do what I do when I'm laying in the dentist's chair and he's drilling the heck out of my teeth: I take slow, deep breaths and I chant "oooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" similar to when I am meditating. If the meditation gets old, I "sing" (really just hum) the melody of an upbeat song. You could sing or hum silently or out loud.

The idea is to remove yourself mentally and emotionally from the situation. If you can actually remove yourself phyiscally, do that too.

Also keep in mind that although you have many thoughts, your thoughts are not who you are. Similarly, what your sis says to you or about you does not matter because her words do not create your identity and character.

Another important reminder: your sister's rage and her behavior are not about you. They may sometimes affect you, but you don't have to get all caught up in them. It's kind of like the way you can be affected by the weather even though you have not directly caused the weather. Does it rain because you are good or bad or selfish, or weak, or nice, or loving? Nope. Does your sister abuse people because of how THEY are? No, she abuses people because she chooses to. Just as you can take cover when it rains, you can remove yourself from your sister's storm of abuse.

As for physical violence from her, have a serious talk with your parents. Calmly and maturely voice your concerns about your sister's behavior. Tell them that you intend to change your response and that you want their support. Part of why your sister acts out is because everyone tolerates it. If she knew that no one was going to tolerate her tantrums, she'd stop them and find another way to get her needs and desires met.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're old enough to leave home, and your sister's behavior does not change, live elsewhere. Maybe it sounds extreme, but we're talking about your well-being and safety. If you are too young to move out and you feel she might harm you physically, inform your parents and your sister you intend to call the police or social services next time she strikes you. This too may sound extreme, but if you really feel you are in danger, seek help.

You really don't have to tolerate violence. Maybe by speaking up to your parents, everyone will wake up and encourage your sister to change her behavior. By continuing to tolerate abuse, everyone is silently condoning it. Sound the wake-up call and take a stand for your own well-being and self-respect. Raise your standards for how you behave and take back your power.

[StarFish]

I agree with Char, the best thing you can do is remove your self from the situation. When your sister begin to act like a brat either ignore her or just get up and leave. This will be much better on your sanity and show her you have better things to do then deal her attitude.

[persephonevii]

Thankyou guys. I have talked to my parents about it, my father talked to her about it but unsurprisingly, she just got angry and stormed off. Both of my parents suggested to not do anything that will anger her or remain calm if she is angry. And as for where her rage comes from... that I'd like to know. How can one person always be so angry and violent?

Her physical violence attacks are rare though, and I don't feel too threatened by them, just even more angered. I am older than her, and I do plan to move away next year. I guess part of my own rage comes from me feeling insulted when she screams and swears at me, calls me terrible things. Also just her endless swearing always irritates and insults me too. I think I have to take my mind out of the situations and words, so I don't lose it like her.

[CoachChar]

Originally Posted by persephonevii

...Both of my parents suggested to not do anything that will anger her or remain calm if she is angry. And as for where her rage comes from... that I'd like to know. How can one person always be so angry and violent?

It almost sounds like your parents are weakly advising that everyone walk around your sister "on eggshells". I suggest you not be concerned about "what angers her". Do I think you should seek to engage or provoke her angry/violent behavior? NO WAY! However, only she can determine when she's going to behave like that and for what reasons.

Be the best you possible in any given moment. Think about how you like feeling (peaceful, empowered, enthusiastic, creative, loving???) and focus on maintaining thoughts and behavior that keep you in that emotional state. People around you will do whatever they want, whenever they want. You may never understand their reasons or how they really feel. Seek to understand yourself and to "be the change you want to see in the world." You hafe the power to experience peace in any situation and you can love a person exactly as they are right now.

[persephonevii]

Originally Posted by CoachChar

It almost sounds like your parents are weakly advising that everyone walk around your sister "on eggshells". I suggest you not be concerned about "what angers her". Do I think you should seek to engage or provoke her angry/violent behavior? NO WAY! However, only she can determine when she's going to behave like that and for what reasons.

True, true I thought there was something wrong with their advice. It was almost like kowtowing to her all over again. I guess my parents gave advice from the 'we've-given-up-on-her' place. So they just let her run wild because they don't know how to best deal with her. I also asked my sister today why she gets angry at people, she told me 'People are so stupid and lazy, I have to get angry to get my point across', I suggested she just relax just a bit but then she maintained that's how she is anyway- a wound-up ax-wound.

[RT Wolf]

I'm guessing she prolly feels that way (stupid and lazy and needs to get angry) about herself, too. I reckon her core issue is prolly low self-esteem. You're also giving silent approval for her behaviour.