How to fix the mess that is my life...I am a screw up!!

[carlamae]

Do you ever feel like you have made such a big mess of your life that you will never be able to fix it, like your life is a chalkboard but there is so much chalk on there that you can scrub at it trying to get it off and only succeed at getting half of it off?

I have had what I can only assume is depression for years. I live in a smallish place and have struggled to make friends, so I turned to online and whilst it made me happy for a few years, it took me getting to 23, turning 24 soon, to realize how empty and meaningless my life is. I went to a really expensive private school on an academic scholarship and that is where I developed the habit of lying to try and impress people. It was the only way I could fit in was to tell people that we only had that old car they saw because our good one was off being fixed after it got pranged in an accident and I never wanted to hurt anyone by lying, I just wanted to be accepted and wanted people to like me so much that I was desperate enough to lie. Now I don't want to do that anymore, but I have this reputation of being someone who is not always honest and I am scared that no one will ever let me forget it and let me move on, and it makes me sad because I really wanted to be a better person and move on from that but people don't let you move on from the past so for the rest of my life I will be that awful person. I am just sitting here in tears because I don't know how to move on. I can't make friends because I suck.

I am also having trouble letting go of all the mistakes and stupidity of my past. I can't forgive myself and wish I could erase things, but have no hope of accomplishing it. There is so much stupid stuff I have done. I get jealous of people who haven't messed up as badly as I do. I have a University degree in a field that is useless for a career, I didn't do well in school in the end because I was depressed, I don't have a lot of friends, I am not happy with my weight, people think I am just such a loser. I am not suicidal but most of the time, I think it would be easier if I could die.

Since I didn't have a lot of "real life" friends, I turned to the internet. I was naive enough and stupid to use my name on forums and the like and didn't even think that stuff I posted when I was 16/17 would still be around when I am almost 24 would still be around and now I would give anything to make it go away. it is embarrassing, the things I have said are so stupid and I am worried they will somehow come back to bite me in the future, but I can't really get rid of them. I can't remember my password to delete stuff, forums don't allow post editing etc. It is something that has made me really anxious over the last week and I have even been sitting here on a forum all night deleting things from 2005 and crying because I have 8000 posts, some of them have been quoted and I can't delete all the trace of them. The things I said were so stupid, I had a pathetic sense of "humor" and I am really embarrassed by the "style" I wrote with and what a try-hard I must have looked like. There are not the things I want my name associated with, but I was an idiot who didn't think of the consequences of what she was doing. In 2004, I didn't think the things I said would still be around in 2011 you know? I am scared it will still be there in 2040 and my kids will read it! I guess in 2004I didn't realize that once I posted something, it was out there forever

A lot of the posts are on a sports forum and now I think I want to get into sports journalism but since I was stupid enough to use my real name, I am scared those silly comments from when I was younger will haunt me forever and I will never be able to work in that field now . I feel like it is my version of having incriminating facebook photos I can't get rid of. I hate myself every day for not using a fake name (don't worry, this is a fake name) and ugh.

This is the most stupid thread ever, but I am hoping someone can help me. My life is a mess! I can't ever fix it !! I hate myself so much. I just wish I wasn't born most of the time.

I just hope someone can help me. How do I fix my life? How do I forgive myself?

[scotthegeek]

I think your be way too hard on yourself. I don't think most would care about things in posts from years ago its not like your very famous person.

I know for myself that I regret all the things I did not do more than the things that I have.

I sound like you have a lack of connection with people and that what I struggle with and I know about social anxiety we worry too much about what other think about us. When most of the time people are mostly thinking about themselves.

If you have a few good friends you would come to know that they don't care about your past then why should you. I not say you need to tell everybody about everything why run yourself down. but it took me until my 40s to start to figure this out.

Scott

[AngelPsychic444]

OK....it's time to fix everything in your life. I have a thread going on how to begin working with your guardian angel, even if you don't believe in such things....this could turn your life around:

The Gentle Way: requesting most benevolent outcomes

[Donatas Kaulinis]

Hi carlamae,

I have had similar experiences about posts from the childhood that haunt you. I too have written things that now look so dumb and after the first time I read some of them I literally started shaking from them. They were that bad

But I've found out a few things about such things from the past. Would you blame yourself for things you did in your early childhood? Lots of really young kids hurt animals for fun, are egoistic and not tolerant. A child who sees a retarded person for the first time in his life might get scared and runaway. But I suppose you don't blame yourself for something stupid you did when you were 5 or 6 years old. Why not?

I suppose you acknowledge that you didn't yet understand what tolerance is. So why wouldn't you acknowledge that for whatever reason (ignorance, laziness, hatred etc.) you weren't at the level of consciousness to understand something and act upon it later in your life (18 or even 90 years?). Beating yourself up for something stupid an earlier, not as intelligent you did seems to be kind of useless.

Also, I have a few suggestions about how to get out of that depression like state of yours. Take drastic action. Personally I see this as the only way to change something. I have been like you for a long time. The things that seem to me to be truly effective is taking drastic action. Find yourself a psychologist, have an honest conversation with a relative or friend (in reality), identify the truth about yourself and share even the most embarrassing things about you with the world. I have shared my shame and had positive results. You'd be amazed at how much support you could get.

I got a lot of good ideas from Steve's articles. Read some and act upon them if you think that could help. Experiment. Don't stay depressed. It's wondderfull that you said some of these things out loud actually.

[Andrew Gubb]

You're not a screw up... you're a beautiful, infinitely valuable person, who has screwed up... and who has a choice about what to do in future.

[zeitgeist]

Hi Carlamae, sounds like you want to reposition yourself to a person closer to your heart. Well, take one step at a time and see where it gets you. I have a theory about past mistakes: if you clean them up and completely move away from your past, the mistakes will disappear sooner than you can imagine. But if you carry some of the old baggage still around with you, then pretty much independent of what you do, the past will follow you until the cows come home. I think you are in the right community to make new choices; a lot of folks here should be able to help you on your new journey. Up and away my friend!

Zeitgeist

[faithsdaddy]

Hi Calamae

Don't worry about what you said on forums. I used to be terrible. I've also had seriously open conversations that I'd rather forget. Every day, those posts get pushed further and further back until they become obscured and forgotten about. I wouldn't concern myself with it if I were you.

Regarding the lying, it sounds like you don't want to be that person, so don't. It's that easy. The people where you live will mostly see that you're more honest overtime. Some never will, but that has to be their problem, doesn't it. It will take years, but every day brings you closer.

I would apologise if how you were gets mentioned and move on from it immediately in the conversation. Don't give it any more attention than that. Strive to become the person you want to be, so that you can look back in 5 years time and be happy with how you were in your mid 20s.

[180]

You need a kick in the A**. The good kind.

Some of the best people who come out on top, had it rough and made many mistakes of the past.

I've been a manager and when training people the ones that make the most mistakes become the best in the end. The reason is because they remember their mistakes more vividly and don't make them again. The emotional pain of their mistake is so great they improve upon their methods. This is what you call "experience".

Mistakes are valuable.

You're looking at your mistakes like their some nasty creepy worms crawling all over you. But you haven't realized these are silkworms you can gather and harvest and make silk textiles.

Mistakes are much more valuable than doing things in mediocrity. Since you're a journalist, maybe you can somewhat relate to this.

I got a C- in English writing in University. (I've was always bad at writing since middle school) Given that I'm a B student this was like a knife in the face. Because I was doing so bad, I went to my professor. She advised I go to our school's writing center and get training. I spent 2 months in that place... Next semester I got a B+. Subsequently every paper after that was A's. My writing got so good that I tutored ESL students on the side. I remember one year long paper the professor specifically said "This project needs work. And it's clearly obvious that this section (mine) is much stronger than the other parts". I'm ALWAYS complimented on how good my writing is and I often get contacted by friends as a writing resource. My "mistake" is getting a C-. But it was well worth it for what it has become. You know... I made $2000 in 2 weeks for helping a guy write his paper? I got contracted to a job in China because of my writing? I've helped numerous people and gotten much respect for my writing? I imagine if I got a B in that class and never improved. I would have been forgotten in the shadows. My writing has actually launched my career more than my Finance degree. (That's another mistake I've made, choosing the wrong major, but that has taught me a lot about personal finances, how could I possibly say that's a mistake?)

Here's your kick in the ass. Someday you're going to look back at your whining about mistakes...as a mistake.

Those things MIGHT come back to haunt you. But who can really blame you? You were a kid! Some people will understand you. What's more, can you actually say that all those forum posts didn't improve your writing in some way?

Don't you know what is stupid BECAUSE you made all those stupid mistakes? What if you didn't make those mistakes? And made them later in your career where they really mattered?

[bluestar]

Hey, pick out the few people who really matter to you, those you care for, care about or whatever....and tell them these exact same things you posted here. I know if I was your friend, and you told me this stuff, forgiveness wouldn't even need thinking about.
The rest of them....well, if they give you a bad rep, you can say "it doesn't matter because the people I care about and who care about me know the truth now"
A real friend would laugh off your past mistakes, even give you a hug perhaps? Or say you're a jerk, then give you a beer.
The way I see it we all do stupid stuff sometimes. Then we move on. It sounds like you are moving on.

[SmashBox]

Its not too late to change! you can be the person that you want to be. You just have to take the first step...getting commited towards changing yourself.

I made so many stupid mistakes in the past...I lied so much!!! to everyone my parents and my friends. Sure it helped at the moment, but it caused some seriouse depression problems to me in the long-termn. One of my friends even thought I was delusional! I had no job, no nothing...atleast I was in school.

Only you can help yourself we can only provide you with guidence you have to make the commitment.

Dont dwell on your past! it will only cause you harm you have to make peace with it. (I made a 23 Slide powe point presentation about myself, what mistakes I made in the past and what I learned from them)

The past no longer matters I live in the present.

Do I regret messing my life up this bad? ABSOLUTELY NOT I took everything as a learning experience I suggest you do the same.

[Aleksander Krstic]

Hmm, no offense, but I just fixed my life yesterday, so here it goes:

Simplicity: Find some way to do it the way you can handle it. It has to be challenging and daring, but at the same time something constant that you can ALWAYS handle. Go ahead and do hard work, even if you can't enjoy it. But make sure you can ALWAYS handle it.

Persistenceon't ever give up. In two months or less you can start to (slowly-I'm currently at this point) enjoy life. Be determined. Figure out what persistence means to you. Read articles on these forums, and

Fundaments(It took me two months of hard work to build them, plus lifetime of trying hard to be something more-in other words you have plenty of experiences of how life looks like-you are not a child anymore that you couldn't do it-I'm 21):Build fundaments of beliefs, expectations, plans, not-so-bad skills, from which all you can start living a full life.

Grow(I'm currently at day two of this point, was very hard at the start, but now it's very enjoyable): Build on the fundaments, decide what growth means to you, read some articles on this website or search the forums. And then, well, grow. First grow slowly with the use of simplicity, and then slowly learn what hard work and taking risks really means to you, and then slowly accelerate growth.

I used to be really depressed, but this is what happened in the last two days: I worked hard to go through the initial barrier of growth, the last emotionally challenging obstacle that I'll probably ever have in my life. I just came from a club, and I'm going to a party on Thursday night.

Note: All the girls are digging me.

[paul1057]

Everybody screws up, everybody has those things that they look back on and cringe at the thought of. I just want to point out a subtle difference here.

You screwed up a few time but this doesn't make you a screw up. The first one is the way you behaved once the second is your whole identity, this may seem like a little thing but the labels you give yourself make a massive difference to your identity.

You're only 23, that's really, really young, I wish I was 23 again!! You've got your whole life in front of you. Make a descision right now to change and do whatever it takes to make that change. Things have a tendecy to work out well in the end. So chin up

All the best.

[ar81]

First of all read this The Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Victim and and Rescuer
Then stop being a victim.

Read this Reboot your life: 20 mental barriers you should let go of | Soul Hiker
This is what you will need to work on.

Read this too
Emotions as a biochemical cheat

Depression is a biochemical malfunction in the brain. Do not worry, any organ may malfunction and brain is no exception. If you have problems to regulate your mood, visit a psychiatrist. People think psychiatrists are people who deal with crazy people, a poor social cliche.

World Health Organization departed the old biologist concept of health of "absense of illness" towards a concept taht includes mental health, since our brain is another organ. Psychiatrists are doctors that deal with our occasional brain malfunctions and their medication deal with such biochemical functions. We all have such malfunctions, just like we have headaches from time to time.

If the root of your problem is biochemical (it happens to a tiny minority), a psychiatrist may take care of it. But if the root of the problem comes from bad habits of thinking and feeling, a solution will be in your hands only.

Be aware that from 15 to about 25 years old, natural biochemical changes in your body makes you to feel depressed. But if you add bad mental habits, the problem could get worse.

I am confident that it is most likely that you may solve your problem, and I am sure your problem may not be as big as you think it is. Millions of people in the world have the very same problem you have.

If you ask me, life begins at 33 years old. Before that we are just messing things upside down and learning from that.

[carlamae]

It took me a while to get the courage to read stuff and reply, but finally made it

Originally Posted by zeitgeist

Hi Carlamae, sounds like you want to reposition yourself to a person closer to your heart. Well, take one step at a time and see where it gets you. I have a theory about past mistakes: if you clean them up and completely move away from your past, the mistakes will disappear sooner than you can imagine. But if you carry some of the old baggage still around with you, then pretty much independent of what you do, the past will follow you until the cows come home. I think you are in the right community to make new choices; a lot of folks here should be able to help you on your new journey. Up and away my friend!

Zeitgeist

That is exactly what it is, I guess the problem is I just feel like no one is ever going to let me and will continue to carry the mistakes around for me, even if I let go of them.

[carlamae]

Originally Posted by 180

Those things MIGHT come back to haunt you. But who can really blame you? You were a kid! Some people will understand you. What's more, can you actually say that all those forum posts didn't improve your writing in some way?

It did improve my writing a lot (I learned what Grammar was when it kept getting pulled apart for being wrong), but I worry if they are ever discovered no one will ever take me seriously writing now!

[180]

Originally Posted by carlamae

It did improve my writing a lot (I learned what Grammar was when it kept getting pulled apart for being wrong), but I worry if they are ever discovered no one will ever take me seriously writing now!

Someone might but even if they do, you can say "wow and look how I improved." You can use it as an inspirational story and people will like you more for it.

For example, I was a giant pimply nerd in high school. Had acne all over my face. I was certifiably a dateless wonder. However now I'm asked out all the time by girls ages 17-32. If I ever became famous I wouldn't be ashamed of my high school pictures. I'd say YEAH that was me, and look what I've become. Suck it to everyone in high school who thought I would die single.

You could easily take your story of how you sucked and was amazingly terrible as an example to others from how you learned from those mistakes and how much progress you made from them.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I've had a time like this in my life. I did a lot of things I was ashamed of at college. I was the biggest liar, and even lied to the police multiple times. I was going through a tough time, but I wasn't depressed, but I was in a lot of physical pain without any medication, because I was ashamed of showing weakness after I had fully recovered from brain cancer. I lashed out at others, and ended up getting kicked out of my university. I actually lived there for another semester without actually being a student because I was so ashamed to tell my parents. I was found out about halfway through the semester. I thought about running away, I thought about all kinds of things, but the police called my mother and it all came out.

I was completely messed up, but I wasn't on drugs or alcohol, I was just in pain, and I got over it eventually, although there are times when I am in physical pain and at least now I have headache medication that seems to help most of the time. I hurt a lot of people and got kicked out of college, but I learned from my mistakes and have not lied or betrayed anyone's trust in a long, long time.

I know how you feel and you just need to work it out. You've got an advantage because you are 100% healthy. At least you have that going for you. I have my good days and bad days when it comes to pain and health, so I have to take it one day at a time, as should you, but you may be able to do more than I can at the moment.

[carlamae]

Originally Posted by 180

Someone might but even if they do, you can say "wow and look how I improved." You can use it as an inspirational story and people will like you more for it.

For example, I was a giant pimply nerd in high school. Had acne all over my face. I was certifiably a dateless wonder. However now I'm asked out all the time by girls ages 17-32. If I ever became famous I wouldn't be ashamed of my high school pictures. I'd say YEAH that was me, and look what I've become. Suck it to everyone in high school who thought I would die single.

You could easily take your story of how you sucked and was amazingly terrible as an example to others from how you learned from those mistakes and how much progress you made from them.

That might work for writing, but I don't think it will work for the lies I have told in the past. No one will ever ever ever ever forgive that

[nothingyouwanttoknow]

Originally Posted by carlamae

Do you ever feel like you have made such a big mess of your life that you will never be able to fix it, like your life is a chalkboard but there is so much chalk on there that you can scrub at it trying to get it off and only succeed at getting half of it off?

Story of my life. Don't worry. You're not alone.

It helps a lot to recognize some of the good things happening to you: are you healthy? Do you live in a relatively safe place at least (the kind of place where you don't have to worry about landmines you might step on or something)? I get into low moods too, but I think about these things and feel a bit better.

Originally Posted by carlamae

I have this reputation of being someone who is not always honest and I am scared that no one will ever let me forget it and let me move on, and it makes me sad because I really wanted to be a better person and move on from that but people don't let you move on from the past so for the rest of my life I will be that awful person. I am just sitting here in tears because I don't know how to move on.

In my experience, not everyone's opinion matters, or should matter. There may be people who will do exactly as you think, but not everyone will. I also am paranoid about people from a history of being picked on and made fun of, but what I got from it was that some people really are like that and we have to learn how to deal with them, but not everyone is.

Try making online friends? I have found that talking via the keyboard is easier than face-to-face. That way, people will at least just look at what you say. You're a faceless wall of text rather than someone they can survey head-to-toe and judge.

[Kei]

Wow, carlamae, I have done so much of that stuff too! I hope you don't mind but, although I feel for you, I was actually laughing at some of what you wrote because it was like laughing at myself! I am about the same age as you too. Let me tell you about some of my mistakes so you know you're not the only one, and also why I don't need to worry about those mistakes anymore.

I told a load of lies in high school - really embarrassing, obviously untrue lies. I pretended to know celebrities, I faked Christmas cards from them and gave them to my friends. I pretended to have done all kinds of sexual activities by the age of about 12, with imaginary people who I said my friends had just never met before. I said I was dating a 24 year old man when I was 13 or something. I'm sure there are worse lies than these, lucky for me I don't remember them anymore!

I also relied too much on online relationships when I was 16-19, and although it was exciting at the time, in the back of my mind I got very upset because I felt I had only one good friend in real life; the rest were online and I knew I would never have the confidence to meet them. I was a real loner, yet I loved my whirlwind of a social life online and I relied totally and utterly on it.

I also posted a bunch of crap on the internet when I was 16-19, under my real name or with my photo, not knowing it would last forever and ever and ever, and losing the passwords to change it. I posted so much crap I can't even remember all the sites I posted it on. I was thinking of changing my name so no one would associate me with it. I don't mean there was anything I could be sent to jail for, more just embarrassing stuff that makes me look like a stupid person... crappy "humour", lying (again!), bullying (although I didn't realise it was bullying at the time)... nothing like what I'm like today!

I also tried to go to college twice and quit early both times. Oops! I think it was due to depression, but I'm not an expert these things so I'm just conjecturing. I was feeling really low though. When I quit, I didn't look for a job for like 10 months afterwards. I just sat at home playing video games and chatting online.

There are other mistakes I've made that aren't so similar to the ones you've mentioned, for example I nearly got sacked from my old job for being late or absent all the time (I think that's a pretty big mistake).

But as someone said above, you really do learn from your mistakes. In some ways my life is still a bit of a mess, but I've cleared up a lot of it, and I know the following things are true:

If I hadn't spent all of high school lying to make myself fit in, I may never have learned what an unwise and worthless thing it is to lie, and how it doesn't make you "fit in", and how in fact, the people I tried to "fit in" with were not worth hanging around with.

If I hadn't delved into online relationships, I wouldn't have learned that my sole real life friend was the best friend I could ever wish for, and I wouldn't exchange her for anyone else, in fact I wouldn't exchange her for 50 friends! We are so compatible and great for each other. I feel very lucky and blessed to have such an awesome friend; the chances must be one in a billion.

The other major benefit from online relationships was that I actually met my boyfriend! I began talking to him when I was 18, met him at another online friend's party when I was 19, and moved in with him when I was 20. We've lived together for over 4 years now and things are great. I'm glad I met him online and not in a bar or something, because I'm so introverted in person that I feel we would never have gotten to know each other well, and passed each other by. I may have made a lot of false friendships online in the past, but they were worth it for this one.

As for the crap I posted on the internet, well, luckily the number of people using the Internet has grown immensely since then, and when I google my own name I don't find much to worry about, even when I try really hard to find it. Besides, who will look anyway? I'm not going to be a household name any time soon, and I couldn't care less if some random person from my old life googles me and finds some thread I posted some crap in. I was young, people change, everyone will just have to get over it. What's important is who I am now. And of course, I learned a lot from posting all that crap. I got a lot of scornful responses to the "humorous", try-hard things I wrote. I got rebuked for bullying, which I'm very glad about because I hadn't even realised I was bullying someone! When I jumped to conclusions, people told me so. When I had a strong opinion that was based on nothing substantial, people laughed at how stupid I was, and it forced me to look those things up and get a bit more information. I'm sure you get the point - act like an idiot in front of a large audience and you won't continue acting like an idiot for long

As for college, well, I'm thankful that I quit. I wasted some time in going there in the first place, but now I think of it as a giant compass that told me I was going in the wrong direction and I needed to head another way. I hope you can see it like that too. Plus you must have learned something in University, even if you can't think of a way to apply it to a career right now, right? University isn't just about getting a job, it's about the experience and the learning too.

For a long time I felt like I'd made such of a mess of my life before age 20 that nothing I would do could ever repair it. Well, I think some of it has sunk away into the depths of time and is irrelevant now, some of it I was able to repair (you know, admitting your mistakes to the people involved is a big help), some of it taught me lessons or set me on the right direction in life... Most importantly of all, none of it is going to kill me! I have an interesting and decent life; it's not perfect but it has plenty of highs to balance out the lows these days. And besides, I'd rather be me any day - someone who has an interesting past to learn a great deal from - than someone who is just plodding through an average life without many major mistakes.

Anyway! Sorry for waffling on - I was just struck by how similar our silly mistakes were, and how bad you're feeling about them. Don't despair - you are already on your way up! Follow the good advice of the people above, you won't regret it

[11SuccessLaws]

Every great success coach teaches pretty much teaches the same formula for attracting exactly what you want into your life. Some are better than others.

1. Decide exactly what you want. Picture it in your mind and act as if you already have it.

2. Take action. Plan your work, and work your plan as all great managers would do. You know what you want, than immediately take steps towards getting it. If thats maybe reading a book on the topic, then great, it's one step closer to getting you what you want.

3. Notice wheither its working. You need to pay attention to wheither what you are doing is bringing you closer or farther to what you want.

4. Change your approach. If what you are doing is not working, than change your approach. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

It doesnt matter what you do, you will succeed if you follow those steps.

If you want some great info on this topic, check out the link below.

[Porphyos]

It's time to turn over a new leaf. You can let everything go... if you just be. Mistakes are valauble - without them, we would not be able to grow.

[Mynder]

What you believe, you create. Whether you believe you're a hopeless screw-up, or whether you believe you can be the most famous and most successful sports journalist of your time, you're probably right.

So, which do you CHOOSE? Which one do you set as your goal right now? What will you do right now to get one small step closer to that goal?

Because that is what success is, persistence and unerringly pursuing that passion, and moving, inch by inch, closer to where you want to be.

[180]

Originally Posted by carlamae

That might work for writing, but I don't think it will work for the lies I have told in the past. No one will ever ever ever ever forgive that

WE all lie. People are very forgiving... How else would Bill O Reilly manage to stay on air?

[carlamae]

Originally Posted by Kei

Wow, carlamae, I have done so much of that stuff too! I hope you don't mind but, although I feel for you, I was actually laughing at some of what you wrote because it was like laughing at myself! I am about the same age as you too. Let me tell you about some of my mistakes so you know you're not the only one, and also why I don't need to worry about those mistakes anymore.

Anyway! Sorry for waffling on - I was just struck by how similar our silly mistakes were, and how bad you're feeling about them. Don't despair - you are already on your way up! Follow the good advice of the people above, you won't regret it

It's OK, it is nice to know I am not alone. I thought I was alone!

[carlamae]

I am currently having another breakdown over it all again. I am currently really anxious and scared about forming relationships in real life now because of the fear that one day, they will read that stuff from years ago and decide I am not the kind of person they should be friends with. I am also worried they will read the things where I have lied, and worse still, someone calling me out on it in a situation where I didn't lie but it was a "cried wolf" situation, and really inappropriate to lie, and will dumb me.

I already know I will never find a boyfriend, let alone get married, and have a nice group of friends, but now I know that is REALLY impossible.

[Mynder]

Okay, so if this wells up so powerfully, what if the worst actually happened? Imagine yourself in a business or relationship situation, and the worst that could happen, does happen.

The world stops for a moment, and you are frozen in shock and sheer terror. Then what?

You're still breathing, so what do you do? What is the very worst that could possibly happen, and what can you do about it?

[enltguy]

First, take a deep breath. OK. Maybe another couple. Have you ever heard the serenity prayer. It may help here. I'm not religious. But it has some good advice in it. "Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference."
So, what can you fix? Well, you can't change the past. You can always try emailing those who run the servers for those blog sites and explain the situation seeing if you can get a new password, or just have them deleted by admins. Do what you can. But then . . . accept what can't be changed. OR, let's try a new perspective.
I am still figuring out the fine line here, myself, but there is the concept of making friends of enemies, peace with those things that we used to let trouble us. Take it as a learning experience and be grateful for that experience. Maybe you're not destined to be a sports journalist. Who cares if that's what you think you want to do now. Maybe you'll find something else now that you'll enjoy even more and will be more rewarding (you talk about living a meaningful life and I'm not sure how commenting on how others play a meaningless game ties in with that). The moment you think you have life figured out, it will show you otherwise.
If you have trouble accepting, try changing the only other thing you can - your own mind. Which is what I was working into. There are an infinite number of ways you can look at all this. So choose a more pleasant one. Rather than saying you're life is ruined because of this, open your mind to all the possibilities. This could be the kick you needed to consider a totally different career which will bring you more happiness than you previously thought possible. Anything can happen!!
Create your own future while listening to your own past. Just take all the lessons you can and keep moving forward with love and positivity. The world is AMAZING. Don't forget it!

[stewy]

carlamae i was looking in the internet for a solution to my screwed up life, so i visited this website when i saw your post i realized my life didnt come close to being a screwed up life. ok hmm let me give ya some advice if you dont like your life no one will like you, you will not have friends you will never move foward. its like walking across a ruined bridge that you insist on fixing, but the key here is not to fix it, the key is to cross and move foward. life is a path full of experiences whether they are good or bad you decide the outcome at least you got to experiance something. life has a begining and an end, like a ride in an amusement park the final stop is inevitable but does it really matter how it ended?, the thrill is what really mattered. so go outside without carrying what people say about you. live, breathe and be happy.

[Curious cat]

I can relate, i've certainly done some cringing things as a teenager. Especially when it came to meeting new friends, and boys. It boiled down to experience and yes, i did try too hard to impress. Sometimes when i think back, i still shudder, but i also have a good laugh over it. Try not to obssess over it, we've all been there ... Just know better for next time.

On lying ... The reason why i am such an honest person is not due to being virtuous, but really at the idea of getting caugh out. I would die of embarassment. Yes, been there with a few lies as a kid. If you no longer want to be a liar, then stick with honesty. Unfortunately you can't change how people perceive you through words, it can only be achieved through action and with time. You need to earn trust, so demonstrate that you are a trustworthy person and people will eventually come around.