Recovering from abusive relationship

[colfax]

To tell you a little about myself, I'm a 23 year old student currently in my last semester of engineering.

Just recently I survived a suicide attempt which landed me in the psych ward of the hospital, it turned out to be the best thing though, as they gave me the courage to break up with my fiance. She had been beating me 3-4 times a week for the past two years or so.

Fast forward to today, I'm living back in the dorms at my school, and though I feel better about being away from her, she has been kinda lording it over me that she has a new boyfriend, and making none to subtle hints about what they are doing together. I would just avoid her, but we have an identical social circle, and work for the same place.

It's not that I'm jealous in the sense that I want to be back together with her. I just feel like there's something wrong with me that I can't ever seem to move on from relationships or find someone new. This is kinda spilling back over into a general feeling of worthlessness, and while I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was before I went into the hospital, I worry I'm headed back there.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist regularly, and they have me on some pill that I can't remember, I feel like its helping somewhat, but I thought I'd post here and see if anyone has gone through a similar experience and could post some advice.

Thanks in advance.

-Colfax

[JHL]

Hi colfax, I think what you're feeling at the moment is perfectly normal and justified for what you have been through.

After a break-up - everyone feels pain and sadness for an amount of time that can vary widely. So there's certainly nothing wrong with you for feeling the way that are right now.

I think you've coped extremely well with your last break-up and I think you're handling your ex's attempts to antagonise you, like a star!

Reading between the lines of your post a bit, the one thing that does occur to me is that it sounds like you feel the need to be with someone else already. It sounds like you're not that comfortable being by yourself and prefer the comfort it brings you to be with someone else.

Obviously I'm just speculating based on how I've interpreted your post, does it sound accurate at all?

If so, it would mean that it would be helpful for you to work on being ok to be by yourself for a while. I think you just need some time to absorb the fact that you are an amazing person who doesnt need anyone else's validation to feel ok.

Well done for breaking up with your ex, that must have taken an enormous amount of courage. I think you are capable of great things!

[Gary Lee Avery]

Hello, Colfax.

My daughter was in an abusive relationship which came very close to ending her life before she was strong enough to break it off.

What I found was a daughter who was enveloped in a sick relationship, seperated from friends and family and manipulated into a lack of self-worth.

When she made the break, there were many things she had to come to terms with and some she needed to change.

In you situation, I would recommend finding a new job, changing your telephone number, your common non-supportive friends and perhaps your residence.

Continue your education, though. That will be priceless once you get through and it will help change your life for the better.

You have been programmed by bad behaviour, but you will be a victim only if you choose to be a victim.

It sounds like you have started to move on, but your ex is still involved in the sick relationship.

Steer your course away from your ex. There is nothing worth salvaging there.

Don't give her the power over you.

Best of luck to you, Colfax.

[bellbird]

Follow your own path Colfax, I wish you well. You can do it!
(I second the advice above, really good that.)

[cookie lee]

Just to let you know, I have been through a few abusive relationships myself. Once I moved clear across the United States because he had tried to kill me and threatened to come after me to finish the job. Freaky stuff. So I felt it was in my best interest to leave everything and start over. However, I realized that my family was here and I was there. So I then moved back AGAIN.

But I did realize just how important family can be. They are supportive and encouraging and want the best for you. So dont forget that you can lean on them right now. I agree with the suggestion to find new friends. That cannot be a comfortable situation for you OR your friends. Feeling like you cannot express your feelings and them not wanting to take sides.

You are probably already doing this but just to emphasize, make sure to tell your therapist things that you are feeling. It is sooo important that you dont leave things out just because they might be difficult to talk about. I am reminding you because I have a tendency to do this myself. See she doesnt know, so I dont have to tell her right? NO! It will never get resolved if I do that.

Also, I just wanted to touch on the comment of dependability. I seem to have this problem myself and as well do you, i think. I have buisied myself with school and work and me time. This way if something does come along... ok, but if it doesnt I'm not let down either because I am happy. Someone once told me " Dont make someone your priority when all you are to them is an option" and I totally live by that. I have my own priorities now and so should you. Forget about her! She is tantalizing and abusing you still, just emotionally. Get her completely out of your life. Out of sight out of mind (for the most part anyway). K well keep up the good work on being strong. Hope this helped a little- It helped me just to write it. Hey try that too. Writing to get stuff out. k well enough blab.

[Simmiah]

Abuse has been a theme in my life & I'm not going to say I'm completely healed or anything but here's some stuff that helped me.

Codependency books were terrific. When you ask about what is wrong that you can't move on..this definitely comes to mind. I used to jump from relationship to relationship & couldn't handle being alone. Codependency books by Melody Beattie are strongly recommended.

It seems Al-Anon has helped many people too ..even if your ex wasn't an alcoholic you can insert "abuse" in where "alcohol" is the word. I've read the steps & often go back when I find myself slipping back into trying to control the situation that was uncontrollable.

I applaud you not demonizing your ex & just recognizing what her behavior was & what she is currently doing. It seems you are detaching which is a good thing because the thing to do is to work on yourself which you seem to be doing. I applaud that you are taking steps because I've seen women on message boards dealing with abuse who cannot seem to break free of it because they don't want to look inward at what attracted or kept them in the relationship for so long.

For me I will say, lack of courage... inability to deal with the pain that was incurred as a result of the relationship.. a need to help the abuser with their problems which was neverending because they victimized themselves a lot.. & trying to deal with my own pain by helping them "heal" which never happened because they needed to heal themselves. I hope my info helps a bit. Good luck!

[Betrade]

I was married to an abusive woman, and it reached the point where she threatened to kill me in my sleep. I gave all of my guns to a friend, just in case she actually got goofy enough to try it. She was also cheating on me, and even managed to get herself knocked up by some dude she met online.

I stuck around for about 4 years longer than I should have (actaually, I never should have been with her in the first place, but by this point I had already married her), because I have two sons with her, and I just couldn't leave them. I finally did, and although my life isn't even close to where I want it to be, it's far better than living with a mentally deranged individual. There comes a point where you have to draw the line and say enough is enough.


All I can say is, abusive people almost never get better. In fact, they usually get worse, because when they're alllowed and enabled to get away with what they do, it's a signal to them to keep on doing it.

You never know which person you're coming home too. Will it be the "nice" person you were initially attracted to, or the psychotic, screeching lunatic who doesn't care one bit what you feel, or what you think, and takes pleasure in watching you suffer????? Is that how you want to live the rest of your life??? I bet you don't, because no one wants to live that way. It's pure hell, and no one deserves it.

Getting away from her was the best thing you could have done, and you're young enough to start over with a clean slate. And who cares what she's doing with her new boyfriend??? She was probably doing it with someone else before you came along, and now he has to put up with her mental problems (which will appear sooner or later; you can bet on that), and you're free from all of that, and wide open to meet a decent girl. She wasn't the girl you wanted to begin with anyway, because if she was, you wouldn't have wound up in a psych ward, and you wouldn't be posting about her here.

Count your blessings, and be very thankful that you didn't have any kids with her, because if you did, you would have had to deal with her for many years to come, and believe me, it's no fun.

I had to drive my ex around yesterday to pick up some Easter things because her car isn't running, and it was extremely uncomfortable, yet I had to do it for the sake of my kids. You'll never have to do anything like that with this girl, so be thankful you didn't drag it out any longer than you did. There comes a time to let go and move on.

If I were in your shoes, I would get down on my knees and thank god for helping you dodge that bullet. You'll live, and in time, you'll thrive. You'll be happy she's gone, and seeing her won't affect you in the least. Give it time, and keep yourself busy. I would try to stay out of her social circle if I were you, and you may even want to consider a new job if you have to see her every day. Only you can decide what do in that case, and if it's worth it to stay where you are, or move on.

I have dated three coworkers in my life, and when it's going good, things are great at work, but if things go bad, in many cases one person moves on to work someplace else. I don't reccomend it, unless the person is worth far more than the job. That sounds cold, but we have to work in order to eat and pay the bills, so we should be very careful about jeopardizing our livelihood over romance. Very often, it isn't worth it in the long run.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Betrade

All I can say is, abusive people almost never get better. In fact, they usually get worse, because when they're alllowed and enabled to get away with what they do, it's a signal to them to keep on doing it.

You never know which person you're coming home too. Will it be the "nice" person you were initially attracted to, or the psychotic, screeching lunatic who doesn't care one bit what you feel, or what you think, and takes pleasure in watching you suffer????? Is that how you want to live the rest of your life??? I bet you don't, because no one wants to live that way. It's pure hell, and no one deserves it.

I absolutely agree.

I also agree with JHL's comments:

Reading between the lines of your post a bit, the one thing that does occur to me is that it sounds like you feel the need to be with someone else already. It sounds like you're not that comfortable being by yourself and prefer the comfort it brings you to be with someone else.

Please take the necessary time to heal and to learn what you will and will not allow in your life. Personally, I had to face up to the cold hard truth that although I was married to an abuser, I participated by playing the victim too much of the time. Bottom line is I allowed it to continue to be part of my life for FAR too long.

[zpivat]

Wow....I heard of a lot of abusive relationships where the males are the beaters, but this time it seems to be the opposite!!

Avoid her like a plague; it's not worth it. How did she even become your fiance in the first place? Did she start beating you up after the engagement?
Imagine what life would be like after marriage.....again, not worth it!!

It's better to concentrate on your study. Engineering is tough and you need to handle it with full force.

Good luck and may you find someone better!

[Acting Like Godot]

In my opinion, you should remain single for maybe two or three years. At least.

When you are unhealthy, you attract unhealthy relationships. I know unhealthy people who, even as they move from one relationship to another, keep attracting unhealthy partners (the kind that beat them up; cheat on them; play emotional games; or cling neurotically). It's the Law of Attraction at work, you see.

You should take time out to heal yourself, know yourself better and feel good about yourself again. Repair yourself in the head. Wait till you feel positive and happy about life again. And about yourself.

Then, and only then, start looking for a serious relationship again (if that is what you want then).

You're only 23, you know. Your whole life lies ahead.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by cookie lee

Someone once told me " Dont make someone your priority when all you are to them is an option" and I totally live by that.

Thank you and the person who said that to you. I wrote it down it hit me so hard.

To colfax - My situation is not nearly as hard as yours, but I think I have a slight knowledge of how you must be feeling. I don't have a lot of advice for you, but the things everyone else have said are right on. I just wanted to send some love your way. You'll be in my thoughts. Just know that each passing day takes you one step further from the pain and one step closer to being healthy enough to move into a new and better relationship.

[Benny2]

I know depression well.

Abusive relationships are terrible, and do much character demage to the victim and the abuser.

She was probably abusive herself and is trapped in the cycle of abuse.

It is not your fault that you were a victim.
It is normal to have affection for your abuser because they don't abuse the victims 24/7.

She loved at times as well.

It is this hot and cold running water that makes for the most truama I was informed.


They did a study. They took a dog and with one hand the stroke and petted the dog.

With the other hand the hit the dog hard with a stick.

They kept this up. Eventually the dog turned on himself and bit itself.


Get the point, it is easy to despise an abusers if all did was to inflict pain but is not usually the case. They have at least some good movements.

Carefully consider your options. Realizing that their are billions of people on this plant is a good thing to keep in the fore front of your mind. This abuser is but one person. You social circles are but a few. Your job is important but there are other places to work.

Give yourself a break and destroy those intangible boarders that you have self talked into tangible existence.

The are two types of reality, there is the perceived reality that we construct for ourselves and their is actual reality or the truth.

Perceived reality is that you cannot make new friends, cannot change jobs, cannot heal from your depression. Where as actual reality is the opposite.

I can and am going to make new friends.
I can heal from my depression.
I can have a rich and mutually beneficial relationship.

Got it!

I must warn you that the chose is yours. I am not telling you what to do just informing you that you have options.

Many recovered addicts relapse because the they do not change their social circles.

[kthdsn]

I agree with all the wonderful advice above but I would like to voice my concern over the pills you are taking. You are experiencing emotional pain. Taking pills alters things, changes the way you are able to feel. I strongly feel that the pain is there for a reason, and you must find the reason and work to resolve it. I strongly believe that taking pills which alter your perception of your own feelings get in the way of this process.

I am not a doctor and my advice may not be valid, but I would never add a chemical to my body to deal with emotional pain. I would never take anything without understanding what it is, what it's affects are, and why the prescriber thinks it is necessary for me to take it.

I understand that your pain is very real, I was abused for three miserable years and my abuser continued to affect my life for a further 2 years afterwards. I dealt with my pain with the help of my family and friends and with the strength of my spirit. I believe that we all have that strength, and I worry that taking medication may prevent us from realising the strengths that we carry, that are necessary for our recovery.

I wish you all the best on your journey and I hope you are able to get through this and find the wonderful life that you are meant to grow into. I would urge you to reconsider the pills, or at least find out what they are and what they are doing to you.

[betlamed]

Hey Colfax,

I think it's great and courageous that you reach out and actively get advice. I've been through a verbally abusive relationship in the past, been through depression, and took my time to get into a much better state.

I read that you already feel better about the distance between you and that girl, and that you want to move to an even greater distance now, and that you wonder how you can achieve that goal when you have the same social circle and work for the same place.

I can understand that you feel that there's something wrong with you... in fact, I have felt this way so often in my life, and just when I was about to achieve happiness and have a good and stable, happy inner state, there was this tiny worry about heading back, and sometimes I even managed to go back a few steps, just to reassure myself that I could pull myself out of depression again and be even more happy, relaxed and joyful with every single time.

So perhaps you can tell me now, how will it feel to have achieved this state, when you realize that you have all the distance you need within yourself, that you are a perfect being headed exactly the direction you want? How will it feel to have the social circle you choose, work for the place you want to work for, and move on to a new relationship that's really suiting you, supporting you and providing you with all that love that you have inside?

[JohnPlace]

My first girlfriend was physically abusive. I stayed with her for a long time because I believed I didn't deserve any better. When we broke up, I was devastated. It took me 3 years to get over it.

Please allow me to impart to you the wisdom that I eventually developed for myself:

You deserve to be with someone who can love you in return.

If she's an abuser, I think you owe it to yourself to get as far away from her as possible. The only authority that she has over you is the authority that you give her.

I am now married to my soul-mate, and my relationship with my first girlfriend is a distant memory. You will move on too. I feel for you; I really do. And I wish you the best.

[mmq1971]

Hi everyone, my name is Michelle and I am 36 yrs old. For the past 13 months now I have been involved in a very unhealthy relationship. My b/f fights with me everyday and calls me the most terrible names and threatens to kill me and my animals. I feel I can never do enough for him and that he will never be happy. Every time he gets upset he says I made him react that way. I am so tormented I have left the relationship several times but keep taking him back..

I feel so stupid I was always the girl who said "I would never put up with that" I don't understand how I could love somebody who treats me so bad. I know he is nuts and I know I don't deserve this but I keep taking him back.....why?? Can anybody tell me and can anybody tell me how to leave him and leave him for good. I am desperate and fear for the safety of my family and myself. I appreciate any and all replys.

Warm Regards,
Michelle

[evelynlim]

Colfax, I think it is great that you seem to be handling things much better.

Like all who have posted on this thread, I agree that you should avoid her as much as you can. Is it possible to change jobs or move to somewhere else?

Don't envy or be jealous of her. I doubt you will want to enter into an abusive relationship again. Thank your lucky stars that you managed to save yourself from one.

Yes, you are still young. Life begins anew. Who knows? A budding romance may just be round the corner. But you must be ready for it. Concentrate on your own healing first.

Take care,
Evelyn

[Old Soul]

There is nothing wrong with you!!

I am very glad you are getting help !!!! the process of healing takes time, you have had your bounderies invaded, eroded and violated and this fact alone will have you questioning your "worth" to the point of worthlessness! ... it is false of course, but this is what abuse does... If I can encourage you, please stay with the councelling, you need the guidance and support right now

abuse is horrible I know , I grew up in it, but trust me you are doing the right thing!!!!

if you feel that this social circle which you and she belonged to , is too triggering for you
you do have the right to part company from it.... and in time through healing i would bet that you will have outgrown it entirely, new experiences are going to come your way
new knowledge and i am convinced your life is going to be much brighter!!!

I leave you with a gentle hug! from one abuse survivor to another:-)