I feel like everything is my fault.

[healingarden]

I was in an abusive relationship 9 months ago, and since then (being in a new relationship now) I always think I did something wrong. If I don't get a text back, or a phone call, or some kind of gratification I feel like I messed up, and I am some kind of failure. I constantly over-think every situation, and am always afraid of being anything but perfect in my partners eyes. I know this goes back to my ex, who made me feel so inferior and horrible everyday. He used to just sit there and scream at me for nothing, and call me every name in the book, especially the C word. He told me once he "tried" to be nice to me, but I didn't deserve it.

Now I have such a self-loathing for myself, and constantly blame everything on me. I am always the first to apologize, even when it's not my fault.

What can I do to get past these feelings? A friend once asked me to name 5 things I liked about myself, and I teared up immediately because I couldn't name one..

[Grrl]

From my experience with similar backgrounds, I can say that you're on the right track to getting over this. You recognize that you have a low sense of self esteem and that you're being overly sensitive to things that don't hold the weight you're giving them.

It sucks. Especially when you know you're overreacting and there's not much you can do to stop the emotional snowballing going on inside of yourself... I know what that's like.

But you're on the right track. Why? Because you're able to articulate your problem and look it in the eye. You can see that your reactions, which are based on your past experiences, are not lining up with reality. You have negative beliefs in place that certain situations (like not hearing back from a text in time or taking something that somebody close to you says the wrong way) trigger an emotional reaction.

To take a page from Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now book, the best thing that you can do is to allow these reactions to take place and play out inside of you. Just watch and observe and do everything in your conscious power to stay the witness to it. Because as soon as you give in to believing the internal tapes and old feelings, you'll lose yourself again.

It's only by recognizing that those reactions are not you, that you will recognize that you have the power to change it.

Like always, I am speaking as much to myself and I am to you. I know how hard healing can be when you're wounded and shell shocked from intimate relationships. Just know that as long as you want to heal and keep taking steps forward, things will keep getting better. Talk about your issues on the forum here or with your friends. The worse thing you can do is keep it inside of yourself! So you're on the right track.

[healingarden]

That was the best advice I have been given on this site so far... Thank you!

I keep thinking something is wrong with you, but you made it seem like it was okay to feel this way. I will keep doing as I am doing, and continue working on myself!

<3

[faithsdaddy]

Originally Posted by healingarden

A friend once asked me to name 5 things I liked about myself, and I teared up immediately because I couldn't name one..

Ask your friend to name 5 things they like about you. Ask all of your friends to do the same. If I knew you, I'm 100% positive I would be able to come up with 10 things immediately.

Is your new relationship a better, more nurturing one?

[healingarden]

That was sweet, thank you.

My new relationship is amazing, it's just hard for me to open up to him. I am afraid to get hurt. When I told my ex things about myself, he would use them against me. I know my current boyfriend would never do that, but the idea of it still scares me.

[faithsdaddy]

Originally Posted by healingarden

That was sweet, thank you.

My new relationship is amazing, it's just hard for me to open up to him. I am afraid to get hurt. When I told my ex things about myself, he would use them against me. I know my current boyfriend would never do that, but the idea of it still scares me.

I'm happy for you that you were able to move on to a much better relationship. Let the trust come gradually. Share slowly but surely.

You'll get there