Sexual Healing For A Little Boy

[royster]

Thank you ALL for your comments of compassion. They DO assist in healing.

It took many years of focused acceptance to come to grips with my childhood, but I had been promised that the experience held a gift. That was hard to believe, but today I find virtually every experience I encountered assists my understanding of life in a greater way. In sharing this very personal part of my life...I could not have done this four years ago...I know I am speaking for countless others, who dare not speak. And the messages of encouragement, hope and strength I pass along to those still in a darkness they will one day emerge from. And they, too, will present a profound story of a journey that ended with compassion instead of self-loathing, hatred for life, and non-stop pity-parties. What the caterpiller calls "the end", the butterfly calls "the Beginning".

There have been many profound life-lessons from this, but today, I feel the most beneficial learning process I received from the experience is 'forgiveness'. Again, I could not have done this a few years ago. That tells me I'm on the right path...and that sharing this journey helps me forgive myself.


We all came out alright, Roy

[Lynn 007]

Because of the past three years' personal growth, we parted on loving terms. Her death provided a new life for me, and I have every confidence she's happy with it.
We all came out alright, Mom.

Royster, my condolences on the passing of your mother. What a journey you've had, thank you for sharing it with us.

It's heart-wrenching to think any person would have to experience what you have but you should be so proud of yourself for your ability to forgive and your mom should be proud she has you as a son.

Enjoy your new life, you've worked hard for it!!!

[royster]

It feels a lot like the look Bette Davis gives the old man at the end of “Hush, Hush, Sweet Charolette”. All this time, in the back of my mind, I convinced myself I was somehow to blame. Now I am convincingly informed, by kindness, that I didn’t create those distant flickers of ghosts.

I only harbored their whispers.

YouTube - ‪Charlotte leaves the house‬‏

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by royster

I had been promised that the experience held a gift. That was hard to believe, but today I find virtually every experience I encountered assists my understanding of life in a greater way.

That's also my experience.

Originally Posted by royster

What the caterpiller calls "the end", the butterfly calls "the Beginning".

Hence my username.

Originally Posted by royster

I feel the most beneficial learning process I received from the experience is 'forgiveness'.

Again, this is also my experience.

You're so not alone. But you knew that.

[royster]

My mother died suddenly in March of this year.

How deeply grateful I am that the last three years of her life, I was sober. I put enormous effort into being a good son, and it was well-received. I flew to Los Angeles every three months for three years, and during those visits, Mom and I resolved lots of issues. She left this earth knowing I'd be alright. And she left me knowing that the past issues truly were resolved. It opened some important spiritual doors, and her spirit visits me frequently.

For many, many years my mother expressed a strong desire to leave my siblings and I a good inheritance. She did this, and it is the gift of her estate that has opened yet many other doors which had previously been unaccessible by me.

This resolve did not come about by simply sitting on my hands: both my mother and I struggled to resolve the issues. It required open minds and forgiving hearts. But we did this, and the outcome is far beyond what anyone would suspect possible, in regards to positive energy.

The flip side of possible outcomes would have been for me to keep drinking, fostering resentments and being ugly.

I am so grateful it didn't turn out that way. And I express deep gratitude to those of you who participated in this thread (and PMs). By sharing this experience, we ALL healed a little further toward Love.

[royster]

When I left the Pavlina forums some months ago, my pictures went with me.

This is the photograph of yours truly at circa 6 years old.

[royster]

Although my mother and I were successful at resolving life issues, my surviving siblings have their own lives to sort out.

When I arrived in L.A., the house had pretty much been ransacked and emptied by my brother and brother-in-law, eager to rid the world of that mess, and to get the house on the market.

My mother expressly did not want a funeral, so there was only a small "observation" as her ashes were interred (I was not there for that). There was virtually nothing to indicate a life had concluded there at my childhood home. I set about to create a small memorial...many of the neighbors wondered what had happened to her (she took two walks a day and was known for those walks).

My sister appreciated the memorial, and also my sensitivity to the ransacking. It turned out she and I became closer allies in the scheme of things. She thoughtfully took a picture of the memorial and forwarded it to me after my return to Virginia.

The house sold in one week, and the money was divided among us.

[RonSouther]

Thanks for keeping it real, Roy!

Your story becomes awareness for the rest of us to learn and grow with.

[Greek Dog]

I am deeply touched by this thread - so much so that i am rendered a kind of speechless, other than to share a book title that I have been thinking about but not yet read. The description adds much flesh to the bare title.
Amazon.com: It's Not Your Fault: How Healing Relationships Change Your Brain and Can Help You Overcome a Painful Past (9781931847117): Patricia Romano McGraw: Books

[royster]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Thanks for keeping it real, Roy!

Your story becomes awareness for the rest of us to learn and grow with.

You're welcome, Ron. My intention was to share so that all may feel less isolated in their own dark wounds.

On another forum, one member seemed indignified that I would share such information. That same member hides all his filthy secrets so he looks good to the crowd. Imagine that: you can look good to the crowd, and be worthless to all.

I am deeply touched by this thread

Thank you, Greek Dog, and thanks for the book reference. As I mention, I worked for years at this healing, and I mean "healing", not stuffing memories in a dark corner.

Posting this story when I did helped that healing along immensely. Then the comments started coming in and I knew I was by no means alone in this topic...sadly, I'm more the "norm" than the exception. By outspoken honesty and caring, in a few generations, we might end up with a decent human race.

We still have that chance.

[nothuman]

Roy this semi autobiographical. Violent, alcoholic stepfather, promiscuous mother. Throw in a couple of suicide attempts, manditory drug years and a couple of decades spent flailing around in fog.
I had to let my mother go some years back as I was ill equipt to deal with the fallout. I went ahead with some sort of vague concept that if I can steer my own boat through the storm then the slipstream may be enough to pull her through.
Never happened. She died last year. From that point the demons came out to play, for a long time they rattled the cage.
Then the healing.... still the healing. And then some.
For me forgiveness is a byproduct. A result of acceptance. Acceptance had been my word du lifetime.
I know where your honestly comes from and the need to share. This
forum is a better place because of it.

[royster]

Your words speak volumes beyond your post, nothuman, and are deeply appreciated...by me, for sure, but no doubt others. My story is not the worst of them...mild compared to others I have heard and witnessed. And I do not have the regret of saying "I wish I had..." because I DID step up to make that difference.

This thread stands as a reminder to all that time DOES run out, and if we spend our time harboring resentment, we will reap irreversible regret. The number-one word you posted is "acceptance". It is remarkable how far that attitude gets us.

Brotherly blessings to you and yours, nothuman.

[RonSouther]

When "judgment" ceases so does any need for forgiveness, to give it or receive it, even from self.

[royster]

This story is not over, and perhaps the most important aspect of healing has yet to be conducted: locating, isolating and then dismantling the "transmitter cell" of this trauma (impacted energy).

As I have posted elsewhere, you can chemo-therapy a cancer victim all you want, but unless you find the transmitter cell and destroy it, you're doomed to a life of enslavement to the Medical Industry.

The same is true for impacted energies: you can deal with the symptoms the rest of your life, but until you locate the energy cluster that is sending out the signals, you're really just keeping up with the spam.

For myself, then, I need not deal with the series of traumas: I need to locate the fist time I woke up to the violence erupting in the house. This memory is slowly coming forward. I will examine the series of thoughts I had in reaction to this first event, and in doing so, will clearly see how the impacted energy is contructed. It is then, with Light, I will begin the process of dismantling the various thoughts (energies) that formed that night, causing a life-long impact of memory.

And then I'm taking little Roy to this safe place, and assure him it's finally over.

[RonSouther]

I feel for you Roy!