Sex or a baby?

[ssandra]

I'm having a bit of a dilemma here...

Next year is going to be about new connections, and I would love it if those new connections could include someone to have sex with.

However I also want to have a baby next year.

Those 2 are not compatible for me. I am ok with the risk for STD's and stuff for myself and my partner (and so is my partner of course), but I am not willing to expose my baby to that (so, no sex with others while being pregnant). Also, I want to have a baby with my husband, not with someone else, so No sex with others while we are trying to get pregnant. It is not worth the risk.

Since we have sex about once a month, maybe twice a month when really lucky and trying to get pregnant it could potentially take a while... and then you have the entire pregnancy and breastfeeding etc. I would be talking about at least another 2 years of not having sex...

But I really really want both I just need to figure out which one I want more, right now.

In my life they are not mutually exclusive. I can have first one, then the other. But, which one do I want the upcoming year?

Right now, I'm leaning towards having sex. But a week ago I was leaning towards having a baby...

What I'm hoping for here is to have some interesting thoughts, some ideas and some questions that help me make up my mind.

My highest value is Joy (there is joy in both) and my focus for next year is connection (and there is connection in both) so that's not how I can solve this issue...

[AlmostGodess]

I would suggest the following: have sex with your husband more often, like everyday, until you get pregnant and then stop if you feel like it.

Do you find Joy in planned decisions anyway?

If your mother would have asked you this question before she got you, what would you recommend her?

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

I would suggest the following: have sex with your husband more often, like everyday, until you get pregnant and then stop if you feel like it.

Unless I want to start raping my husband that is NOT going to happen

He has a lower sex drive then me, so he is simply less in the mood then I am. Nothing wrong, I have accepted that etc etc. But it still makes for a bit of a problem...

Do you find Joy in planned decisions anyway?

I believe when it comes to having a child, a planned decision (mutual, full commitment from both sides) is the only way to go... for me.

If your mother would have asked you this question before she got you, what would you recommend her?

I really couldn't care. I would recommend her to do whatever makes her happiest... I mean.. If I wouldn't have been born I wouldn't have minded not being born anyway...

[curiouslyrandom]

Three things to consider:

• physical changes a baby will cause to your body (including stretching out your belly beyond recognition)
• less time to "play" with others due to the demands of a baby
• your hormones will spike, causing an increase in your sex drive, especially during the first trimester

I'd say stick with finding a playmate for now, and maybe wait for a baby when you've found balance in your sex life. Babies change everything... permanently!

[AlmostGodess]

In moments like this I just keep asking myself "What the hell do you want, woman?". I keep asking until I get an answer. If not, I just though a coin

[James81]

Ah, there's nothing quite like a good dichotomy.

I would say that you have very powerfully recreated conflict from an earlier period in your life here.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I'm having a bit of a dilemma here...

I don't think there is a perfect solution. So here are some highly imperfect suggestions:
a) find someone you trust (with a recent STD Test) and use condoms.
b) Are you bi?
c) Any way to increase your husband's libido? (less work/stress, more exercise, etc)

[Kishka]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I'm having a bit of a dilemma here...

Next year is going to be about new connections, and I would love it if those new connections could include someone to have sex with.

However I also want to have a baby next year.

Those 2 are not compatible for me. I am ok with the risk for STD's and stuff for myself and my partner (and so is my partner of course), but I am not willing to expose my baby to that (so, no sex with others while being pregnant). Also, I want to have a baby with my husband, not with someone else, so No sex with others while we are trying to get pregnant. It is not worth the risk.

Since we have sex about once a month, maybe twice a month when really lucky and trying to get pregnant it could potentially take a while... and then you have the entire pregnancy and breastfeeding etc. I would be talking about at least another 2 years of not having sex...

But I really really want both I just need to figure out which one I want more, right now.

In my life they are not mutually exclusive. I can have first one, then the other. But, which one do I want the upcoming year?

Right now, I'm leaning towards having sex. But a week ago I was leaning towards having a baby...

What I'm hoping for here is to have some interesting thoughts, some ideas and some questions that help me make up my mind.

My highest value is Joy (there is joy in both) and my focus for next year is connection (and there is connection in both) so that's not how I can solve this issue...

My rule of thumb used to be to go for the NEW experience. If I had a choice between two things and one was a new experience I'd choose that. For instance, personally, if I had a choice of going whitewater rafting or skydiving I'd go for sky-diving.

Another thought. You have the rest of your life to have sex, but you don't have the rest of your life to have children.

Good luck!

[relaXman]

Originally Posted by Kishka

Another thought. You have the rest of your life to have sex, but you don't have the rest of your life to have children.

Good luck!

I agree with you ; the best advice ;

[James81]

Originally Posted by Kishka

Another thought. You have the rest of your life to have sex, but you don't have the rest of your life to have children.

I think that this thought creates a lot of single parents.

[scotthegeek]

From the outside looking in because I have never been in a relationship I would think that if your husband wanted a baby that he would step up and have more sex. I know sex can seem like a chore if you have a low sex drive but its like going to work you do it because you have to pay the bill, because your not have sex for fun your have sex for its main purpose to procreate. If I was with a women I love and we both wanted a baby I would think that would get my really turn on because I would be trying to fertilize her eggs for real, This is not batting practice this is the World Series.

Scott

[MichaelAnthonyVet]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I am ok with the risk for STD's and stuff for myself and my partner (and so is my partner of course),

Did that sentence seem extremely odd to anyone besides myself? You're willing to risk giving yourself and your partner STD's? And your husband is alright with the idea of you having sex with other men, and possibly giving him an STD. Not to be rude, but it sounds like there's a few things going on, besides just a lack of sex between the two of you.

On a side note: If you can't decide whether to have sex with other men, or have a baby...ahhh, I don't know what to day about that....having a baby isn't like deciding what to have for dinner, "Hmmm, should I have Thai, or Italian..."

I have friends who were deeply in-love and wanted a baby more than anything, they tracked the wife's menstrual cycle, they had sex all the time, and after a while, they tried invitro fertilization. Nothing. A few years later they decided to adopt. Now they have a wonderful adopted son, and they are amazing parents . But they really wanted a child.

From your post, (in my opinion) this is what it seems like your dilemma is, "Hmmm...I really want to have sex, and give a guy a blow job, and have him go down on me, and I'm alright with getting an STD, but...I also want to have a baby....hmmm, which to choose."

If there's even a question of whether or not you don't want to have a baby, then don't. If you're not ready to be fully committed to a child, and to love it every step of the way, then don't have a child, it's as simple as that. If you are ready to have a child and to fully commit yourself and love them every step of the way, then it shouldn't even be a question.

[Green Lady]

I say go with the sex but I am biased as I don't want to have children.

I don't get the necessity to have sex outside the marriage either but I respect that...

Good luck with whatever you decide

[SatvikBeri]

One alternative is to try to find partners who are mostly monogamous, such as a married couple that has been tested for STDs and whom you trust to tell you if they ever have sex with anyone else. I know there are several couples interested in such an arrangement with another woman.

[relaXman]

Originally Posted by MichaelAnthonyVet

Did that sentence seem extremely odd to anyone besides myself? You're willing to risk giving yourself and your partner STD's? And your husband is alright with the idea of you having sex with other men, and possibly giving him an STD. Not to be rude, but it sounds like there's a few things going on, besides just a lack of sex between the two of you.

Did that sentence seem extremely odd to anyone besides myself?

You are not alone Michael .

[AlmostGodess]

Originally Posted by MichaelAnthonyVet

Did that sentence seem extremely odd to anyone besides myself? You're willing to risk giving yourself and your partner STD's? And your husband is alright with the idea of you having sex with other men, and possibly giving him an STD. Not to be rude, but it sounds like there's a few things going on, besides just a lack of sex between the two of you.

Originally Posted by relaXman

Did that sentence seem extremely odd to anyone besides myself?

You are not alone Michael .

Guys, we are talking here about how to choose between sex or having a baby. Let's stick to the subject, ok?

[Kishka]

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

Guys, we are talking here about how to choose between sex or having a baby. Let's stick to the subject, ok?

I agree AG, Sandra didn't post that information to be judged and analysed.

[relaXman]

you are right. mine was just a liitle parentheses

go on,,

[beast]

Originally Posted by MichaelAnthonyVet

Did that sentence seem extremely odd to anyone besides myself? You're willing to risk giving yourself and your partner STD's? And your husband is alright with the idea of you having sex with other men, and possibly giving him an STD. Not to be rude, but it sounds like there's a few things going on, besides just a lack of sex between the two of you.

I assume she is taking reasonable precautions, and that her husband is informed here. The truth is, all sexually active people risk getting an STD and passing it on, no matter how many precautions they take. It just goes with the territory. Other big news: Sexually active people also risk pregnancy! Some people continue to have sex, because, you know, sometimes it's worth the risk.

[MichaelAnthonyVet]

Originally Posted by Kishka

I agree AG, Sandra didn't post that information to be judged and analysed.

She asked for our opinions on a question, and on a question as large as "should I have a baby," don't you think that we should take into consideration everything that she mentioned. Having a baby is more than just a want, you have to be mentally prepared for it. And it seems like a larger issue at hand, then just, sex or a baby?

"Go For it." "Have a child." "You can always have sex, but you can't always have children." Responses like that don't require any real thought. What if she's not prepared to have children? Those are questions we should be asking, and if she's having a debate between whether or not to have sex with random men, and that she's alright with the possibility of giving herself and her husband STD's, maybe we need to ask ourselves if she's ready to have a child.

But again, this is only an opinion thread, she asked for our opinions, and it's merely my opinion.

[Weena]

Originally Posted by curiouslyrandom

your hormones will spike, causing an increase in your sex drive, especially during the first trimester

Not necessarily... with my daughter i spent 10 weeks vomiting from the moment i woke up to the moment i went to bed... i did NOT feel like having sex at all.

Sandra: of course this varies for every woman (some, like curious, will be hornier), but pregnancy is a big change as well as the part after the baby is born. Babies require lots of energy on your part, and newborns breastfeed every two or three hours (depending on the baby) ... and of course they don't take a break at night . Also, your body will need to recover (again, this time varies depending on the delivery). Breastfeeding makes you produce a libido-killer hormone too (agaiiiiin, varies but i want to tell you things that do occur). Let alone that if your bub is a light sleeper she/he may wake up and start screaming each time you're starting to get cheeky.

So I'd say if sex is very important to your well being you may want to put off baby making... or making the baby with the awareness of the possible downsides.

What does your heart tell you at this stage?

[MichaelAnthonyVet]

Originally Posted by beast

I assume she is taking reasonable precautions, and that her husband is informed here. The truth is, all sexually active people risk getting an STD and passing it on, no matter how many precautions they take. It just goes with the territory. Other big news: Sexually active people also risk pregnancy! Some people continue to have sex, because, you know, sometimes it's worth the risk.

I know, man, but I think what freaked me out about the idea, of two possible new parents, is the fact that they're alright with getting STD's. In Iraq, I worked in a hospital and our hospital did all the STD test for everyone, and like seeing all the people who left with STD's. It's just sad, and stupid, and it changes their lives.

Maybe it's because I'm from Puritan Massachusetts, but the idea of this hedonistic society where people go around and just freely give each other STD's and having people be alright with it. I don't know, for a guy to be alright with his wife to have sex with other men, and alright with the idea of her passing off an STD to him......I just don't know. I mean, Steve's site is all about mindset and beliefs, doesn't that mindset seem a little, I don't know, unique, or possibly off.

[beast]

Originally Posted by MichaelAnthonyVet

that she's alright with the possibility of giving herself and her husband STD's, maybe we need to ask ourselves if she's ready to have a child.

Okay, but seriously, I think you're misunderstanding the STD bit and focusing on it too much. She didn't say she'd be alright with acquiring an STD/passing it on to her partner, just that this is a risk which she finds acceptable. It is a risk which all sexually active people assume, to some degree.

[beast]

Originally Posted by MichaelAnthonyVet

Maybe it's because I'm from Puritan Massachusetts, but the idea of this hedonistic society where people go around and just freely give each other STD's and having people be alright with it. I don't know, for a guy to be alright with his wife to have sex with other men, and alright with the idea of her passing off an STD to him......I just don't know. I mean, Steve's site is all about mindset and beliefs, doesn't that mindset seem a little, I don't know, unique, or possibly off.

I was born, raised, and educated in Massachusetts. I've lived there for close to my whole life. And I'm a hypochondriac, also. I absolutely understand the fear and concern, but I still think you're misunderstanding what she wrote.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by MichaelAnthonyVet

... if she's having a debate between whether or not to have sex with random men, and that she's alright with the possibility of giving herself and her husband STD's, maybe we need to ask ourselves if she's ready to have a child.

I think you are misinterpreting what she said, Michael. Ssandra expressed an interest in making new connections that could include sex, and to characterize that as "random men" implies a recklessness or carelessness that is not, in my opinion, part of Ssandra's make-up.

Also, I think she and her husband are willing to take on the risk of contracting an STD in favor of her having sex outside the marriage -- not absolving themselves of responsibility.

Knowing Ssandra as well and as long as I have, I have no doubt that she's ready to have a child and to be a most excellent mother, if that's what she chooses.

[Weena]

Originally Posted by Angela

Knowing Ssandra as well and as long as I have, I have no doubt that she's ready to have a child and to be a most excellent mother, if that's what she chooses.

Totally agreed, Sandra would make a magnificent mama!!!

[relaXman]

This thread can be accepted from Guinness with taking max. responses in min. time.

[danas]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I am ok with the risk for STD's and stuff for myself and my partner (and so is my partner of course), but I am not willing to expose my baby to that (so, no sex with others while being pregnant).

how about condoms?
If you risk getting STDs this year, you may not be able to have a healthy baby next year...

[beast]

Originally Posted by danas

how about condoms?

I think the attitude that condoms will provide infallible protection against STDs is a lot more dangerous than Ssandra's approach.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

Knowing Ssandra as well and as long as I have, I have no doubt that she's ready to have a child and to be a most excellent mother, if that's what she chooses.

I agree as well.

My "wish" is that it's also with someone with whom a strong relationship is built and both parties are happy with each other.