Accepting your feelings

[Democritus]

Hi everyone!

I'm just curious to know what any of you think the phrase 'accepting your feelings' actually means. It's used a lot in self-help books, and it sounds lovely, but what does it actually entail? I suffer from chronic anxiety, and it is often said that the first thing to do to address such a problem (and other similar problems such as depression) is to accept/own your feelings, no matter what they are...

Is this just vague New-Age blather, or is there a practical and helpful side to this? Any advice/experiences most appreciated!

With love.
D.

[demk]

Trying to suppress or control your thoughts or feelings can cause more problems than the feelings themselves. Its better to let them pass through you. Surrender to what is, is the only way of gaining control (paradoxically).

When you try to battle with your thoughts or feelings your resistance perpetuates the suffering. It is important to learn how to take positive action with unwanted feelings within you too.

Next time you feel anxious you might want to try simply observing the feeling itself and letting the ascotiated thoughts simply pass and float away without getting involved in them. Then take action in a valued direction. Chances are the anxiety will become so much less of a hinderance when you realise that you can still take action and do what you want/need to do with it there.

Check out the book, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Stephen Hayes. Its about ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) which is a branch of pscychology based on eatern mindfulness techniques. Its backed up by clinical trials and is proven to help all sorts of psychological disorders.

[RT Wolf]

Accepting your feelings is the first step in the right direction. Like, a lot of people will say "I'm not upset" when they're visibly upset. Recognize that you are upset, or depressed, or frustrated. Point it out internally, "I am depressed" or "I'm not feeling that great".

It isn't new-age blather, it is very practical. Often times, once I've accepted an emotion (such as, say, frustration towards someone), I'll then decide what I want to do about it. I can either let the emotion go, keep feeling it, do something about the situation, or do nothing about the situation.

[madgeylou]

i always interpreted that to mean, dont fall into the trap of beating yourself up for feeling whatever you are feeling. if youre sad one day, fine, youre sad. it's no use to say to yourself, "whats wrong with me that i'm feeling so sad?"

why add a layer of meta-angst to your already-existing angst? better to say to yourself "well i am sad today, but i wont be forever." maybe there's a perfectly good reason for you to be sad, or maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

but feelings are like the weather -- they truly do just come and go sometimes, without any good reason.

if a sad (or angry, or defensive) feeling persists for a long time, then you have to take it to the next level and acknowledge that something aint right, either in your life or in the way you are thinking about it. that's another way to "accept your feelings" -- listen to what they are telling you without dismissing them.

it's a tricky thing to get a hold of, but a persistent eeyore cloud really does differ from a funk that lasts a few days or that is related to a specific event.

for instance, i got dumped a month ago, by a man i really loved -- i wanted to continue to try to figure it out, and he didnt. so yeah, that hurts like a bitch, and there have been some really rough days. but i'm not going to add self-loathing to the already-large pile of doubt, rejection, hurt, etc. if i'm sad some days, so be it. i have good reason to be. but i wont be forever.

[demk]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

why add a layer of meta-angst to your already-existing angst? better to say to yourself "well i am sad today, but i wont be forever." maybe there's a perfectly good reason for you to be sad, or maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

True, no point in being angry about being sad or whatever.

[ImOpen]

"I eat when I'm hungry and drink when I'm dry."

This is what they are really talking about. Body and spirit go together. You should respond to what is coming from inside. No supression. Never forget this quote and you'll be better off.

[Jan Krüger]

Originally Posted by Democritus

I'm just curious to know what any of you think the phrase 'accepting your feelings' actually means. [...] Is there a practical and helpful side to this?

Yes, definitely.

A good deal of emotional reactions is learned. Suppose you feel anxious about something. What will likely happen is that you'll notice this and get stuck in a thought pattern such as "oh no, I'm anxious. I don't want to be anxious. It's illogical to be anxious because of this. I really shouldn't be anxious." And so on. In other words, you concentrate on the anxiety. Your thoughts cling to it. That's a problem, because your thoughts are directly fed back to another part of the brain that says, "a-ha, so we're thinking about anxiety. Anxiety must be important in this situation. Let's keep it going for some more time." Consequently, your anxiety makes itself at home and watches you watching it.

So, what are you to do? The common solution is to lift an idea from meditation. The whole secret is the following attitude shift: become aware that your emotions usually arise totally out of your control, and that they will eventually pass. It follows that a) it doesn't make sense to beat yourself up over them and b) they will go away on their own accord. Once you realize this, it supposedly becomes easy to observe your emotions and decide what to do about them (e.g. nothing). It's a lot more boring for an emotion to stay around if you are not bothered by it, and it'll eventually become cooperative instead: "oh, hi, Democritus, this is anxiety reporting in. I had this feeling I should show up. How are you doing? How's the weather? Well, I'll be on my way then, take care".

I said supposedly because all this is easy to write down but hard to put into practice. There are lots of guides to meditation but even of those people who decide to give it a shot, not everyone succeeds. I, for example, am still far away from being so aware of myself. Learning meditation involves building (cognitive) habits and I have a definite weakness there. I'll probably need to do some more experimentation.

If you like, I can give you a few pointers to articles that I found insightful.

[Democritus]

First off, I'd like to thank everyone who replied to my query - they were all thoughtful, intelligent, and helpful responses, and it's great to know that these forums are bringing together such like-minded people.

I agree that there is this issue of understanding the nature of emotions: that they will come and go, that resisting them increases anxiety. I think the hardest part is separating the feeling of anxiety from the content of the thought. For example, if I worry excessively about my sister's health, it is hard to realize that while the issue is important (and theoretically worth worrying about), the worrying is not. It takes real cognitive control to step back from the situation and make that separation.

The other point I'd like to make is that once anxiety becomes a conditioned response, the physical sensations can appear a propos of nothing - and this then generates anxious thoughts (i.e. 'oh no, I feel worried - there must be something wrong [sounds of brain shuffling through thoughts and memories for little old Democritus to worry about] - ah, it's probably that'). When this is the case, 'accepting your feelings' becomes doubly hard, because you have to accept something that isn't genuine, but a feedback loop gone awry.

Anyhow, you've all given me food for thought. Or rather, food for feeling - thoughts seem to get us all into so much trouble!

Thanks,

D.

[madgeylou]

democritus, firstly you are welcome and secondly thank you for a very filling meal of a message as well.

i totally get what you are saying about the cognitive control needed to just stop worrying, even when you know it's useless. you are right that the whole thing tends to spiral into a big ugly loopy mess.

upthread, demk and jan mention observing one's emotions, which of course allows one to detach from them somewhat, which prevents one from pumping more and more psychic energy into them.

among the many madges that exist inside of me, i find myself quite often turning to the margaret mead madge, the one who sits and watches the antics of the others. it's not passive watching though -- it is utter fascination. at times, i find my emotional responses to events completely fascinating, and i watch myself like i used to watch bugs and their patterns as a child. my mind goes blank -- i am absorbed into the watching.

this fascination feels like the opposite of getting wrapped up in your feelings. it also makes fantastic raw material for art.

it's tricky though -- there can be a very fine line between observing emotion and being ruled by it. and sometimes, for me at least, emotions can be so overwhelming that there's barely enough of your consciousness to feel it all, let alone observe it as well.

that's when i either tell myself "this too shall pass" or "remember this moment and be grateful for it."

[Radical]

You should accept your feelings, because denying that they exist would mean you are deluding yourself. However, this doesn't mean you should accept them as rational!