The Development of Confidence

[Michelle]

The title I really wanted to give to this thread was:

*ç%&/()/&%&"*ç%/&%&/&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But that doesn't seem specific enough now, does it? :-) Anyhoo...

My problem goes like this:

My confidence has increased a lot in the last couple years. So much, that I can now tolerate feeling just how incredibly insecure I am. I find this annoying. It actually feels like I am becoming more insecure, when indeed I realize I am becoming more confident.

Has anyone experienced this?

[Joe826]

I use to continually try to change how I acted based on what society told me I needed to do. Whenever I was insecure I would try to act in a very secure way and deny how I was really feeling.

These days I'm better at accepting those feelings and not making things worse by chastising myself (which makes things so much worse).

So maybe I understand what you're saying..

[Kamma]

I think I know what you're saying. I have suffered for years with terribly low self esteem although noone would know this. I put on a great act for a long time and then I didn't bother and it just kinda made me worse. Just recently though I've been trying to build myself up and re-educating the way I think and I have to say that it's having a completely positive effect on me. My confidence is coming slowly but surely.
You may be acting out what you think you'd be like if you were super confident but not who you really are and this could be why you're feeling worse. I'm not trying to psychoanalise or anything but why not just let yourself be and not put so much pressure on yourself to be the person you think everyone else thinks you should be.
Take care

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Michelle

My confidence has increased a lot in the last couple years. So much, that I can now tolerate feeling just how incredibly insecure I am. I find this annoying. It actually feels like I am becoming more insecure, when indeed I realize I am becoming more confident.

Hmm, I'm not sure I follow. Are you saying that your partial increase in confidence has made you perceive that you still have to improve a lot more?

[Erock]

You should give us some specific examples so we can help understand where you are coming from a little bit better here. I'm guessing that you mean social insecurity and confidence. Remember this though:

Introverted people: are inside their head when they are with other people. They are thinking thoughts like: "I wonder what they think of me?" "Should I say that, it might be stupid?" I know because I used to get like that around girls.

Extroverted people: are outisde their head when they are with other people. As soon as an idea pops in their head they say it immediately, without thinking whether it will be stupid or not. This is how one is around their close friends.

Basically, train your mind to be extroverted all the time and you will remove a lot of the problems you have socially. I'm getting pretty good at this, and it has helped a lot.

Erock

[Tammy]

Erock, although I get what you mean I think you've got it a bit wrong.

One thing is an intro/extroverted personality and other an intro/extroverted behavior.

You can change the behavior, the personality, I'm not too sure. And there's nothing wrong with it, by the way.

Introverted people can act extroverted when they need too, is not natural to them, but they manage to do it. Many actors and business people do it all the time. Also, introverted people aren't necessarily insecure. Introverted is not the same as shy.

Still, I got your point, you mean the behavior.

This was a bit off-topic, but I agree with Mark Lapierre, I'm not too sure I follow, either

[illusions]

Hi Michelle

I've found a way to increase my confidence and Self Esteem - EASILY and QUICKLY!!!

I believe that the most effective (maybe the only effective) way to increase Confidence and Self Esteem, is to experience love from yourself. Bare with me

BUT - You don't have to love yourself!! You ALREADY love yourself. You were born with love for yourself. But we are conditioned to deny, hide and ignore that love. So we forget that we already love ourselves.

The evidence that you already love yourself is in every "good" thing that happens in your life. YOU create and attract everything in your life. Therefore, everything that makes you feel good, is an expression of love from yourself, to yourself. In the same way we give gifts to loved ones and do things for them, to express our love for them, we create and attract situations and people into our lives, that make us feel good, as ways of expressing love for ourselves. We've just forgotten that that is what it is

All you need to do to increase your Confidence and Self Esteem and Self Worth, is: Start to notice every good thing in your daily life - and recognise it as an expression of love from yourself, to yourself. Trust me - it's like Magic! As you start just noticing and recognising (eg: a sunny day, a smile from a stranger (is you smiling at yourself ), a convenient parking spot, something going your way, finding something you thought you wouldn't find etc.) - once you start noticing and recognising these, they will Increase - Daily!!

And your Confidence and Self Esteem will SOAR!! Nothing is as Powerful as realising that you are Worthy of a Love as Great as Your Own!! Once you realise that you are so wonderful and worthy that YOU love you - and you can see the evidence in your everyday life - your Confidence, Sense of Security, Self Esteem, Self Worth - and so much more - will amaze you!!

It's so simple and easy and quick it doesn't seem feasable. But I assure you it is miraculous - I've turned my life around in the last five weeks!

Love and light xxx

[Michelle]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

Hmm, I'm not sure I follow. Are you saying that your partial increase in confidence has made you perceive that you still have to improve a lot more?

Yes, that is right. Before when I was extremely insecure, the feelings of that insecurity were unbearable so I guess they were blocked out. Now where I am more secure, I can tolerate the feelings of my insecurity.

[Michelle]

Originally Posted by illusions

I believe that the most effective (maybe the only effective) way to increase Confidence and Self Esteem, is to experience love from yourself. Bare with me

BUT - You don't have to love yourself!! You ALREADY love yourself. You were born with love for yourself. But we are conditioned to deny, hide and ignore that love. So we forget that we already love ourselves.

The evidence that you already love yourself is in every "good" thing that happens in your life. YOU create and attract everything in your life. Therefore, everything that makes you feel good, is an expression of love from yourself, to yourself. In the same way we give gifts to loved ones and do things for them, to express our love for them, we create and attract situations and people into our lives, that make us feel good, as ways of expressing love for ourselves. We've just forgotten that that is what it is

All you need to do to increase your Confidence and Self Esteem and Self Worth, is: Start to notice every good thing in your daily life - and recognise it as an expression of love from yourself, to yourself. Trust me - it's like Magic! As you start just noticing and recognising (eg: a sunny day, a smile from a stranger (is you smiling at yourself ), a convenient parking spot, something going your way, finding something you thought you wouldn't find etc.) - once you start noticing and recognising these, they will Increase - Daily!!

And your Confidence and Self Esteem will SOAR!! Nothing is as Powerful as realising that you are Worthy of a Love as Great as Your Own!! Once you realise that you are so wonderful and worthy that YOU love you - and you can see the evidence in your everyday life - your Confidence, Sense of Security, Self Esteem, Self Worth - and so much more - will amaze you!!

It's so simple and easy and quick it doesn't seem feasable. But I assure you it is miraculous - I've turned my life around in the last five weeks!

Love and light xxx

I really like your thoughts here, and I absolutely believe you. Thanks for the reminder.

[Michelle]

Speaking of introvert vs. extrovert:

I am definitely an introvert doing an extrovert's job (singing), and it does indeed feel weird sometimes. Socially I am fairly anxious.

A hand reader once told me that the key to my success was to learn how to "Don't worry, be happy".

Makes sense to me.

[bylto]

Michelle, it sounds like a question of self-acceptance. 'illusion's' advice is great, put that into practise. I believe that true change must occur at the sunconscious level. It's not enough to consciously think something but it must be deeply internalised. Affirmations like 'I like myself' seem very simple but if repeated with real meaning in the voice, it will eventually be accepted by the subconscious mind. You deserve this!

I also noticed great results for myself by listening to hypnotic mp3's designed to influence the subconscious. This is where a hypnotist puts you in a relaxed state and speaks positive suggestions directly to the subconscious mind. I would recommend this too. Best of luck.

[JHL]

Originally Posted by Michelle

My problem goes like this:

My confidence has increased a lot in the last couple years. So much, that I can now tolerate feeling just how incredibly insecure I am. I find this annoying. It actually feels like I am becoming more insecure, when indeed I realize I am becoming more confident.

Has anyone experienced this?

Oh yes. Growth can certainly feel like you're taking one step forward and two steps back. The more aware and conscious you become, the more it becomes obvious all the things that you still have to, or want to, change.

But this is a good thing because you cannot change what you dont acknowledge, and it sounds like you've made the break-through of beginning to acknowledge and deal with your insecurities, which you previously were repressing.

So I think that what you're experiencing is perfectly normal, and to me its an indication that you're on the right track. Growth is process that has its difficult moments. It can sometimes feel like a rollercoaster of highs and lows. It sounds like at the moment you are in a place where have been confronted with the work that lies ahead for you and it feels like you've actually gone backwards. You havent, its really a sign that you're moving forward.

Growth is not meant to be easy - there would be no satisfaction in it if it was. And the realisation of ones own growth is the most satsifying feeling of all. So keep going. From what you describe, you're making real progress.

[Julia.Ru]

I think I understand you, Michelle, perfectly well! And I'm so confused about my whole life nowadays!!! I'll share my experience briefly, maybe it will provide you with some thought. And God, will anyone bring some clarity to this search for confidence (or self-esteem or whatever - I don't even know what the correct term for it is)!!!

I think, in my life there have always been only two real dreams (probably because they are hardly achievable - I achieved all other goals rather easily) - losing my weight (though I've always been slender but I've always wanted more) and high above it - becoming truely confident. At 15 I
started to strive for achieving true self-esteem consciously. I made plans, set goals, achieved them. Results - very much improved appearance, character, habits, skills, knowledge, wins at local contests, getting a job I dreamed of, courage... The only word that comes to my mind when I recall those times is 'bright'. There were really bright years. But... I didn't achieve my main goal - self-esteem, though I even learnt to be dominant in some circle of my peers in my class! I knew I could do this of that, was good at many things but I was sure I was a piece of sh*t and if anyone (at school of
just strangers) told me that I would always agree (not outloud, of course). Then, at 18, I realized I had been on the wrong path. Then I looked at people with high self-esteem: the clue of their confidence was, in my opinion, that they listened to themselves and didn't pay much attention to others. I decided: ok, no strivivg for anything, I should love myself no matter what others think. Results? Gaining weight, not caring what to wear, extreme laziness, lost of interests and some energy, cutting classes, almost failing at the uni, not getting any job for a long time because I behaved like a sleepy but complacent person at the interviews...Now I'm 23 and when I look back
at those years the word for them is 'loss' or 'blackout', etc. But... I'll never regret these years as I've gained true self-respect, if someone meant to call me a piece of sh*t I would raise my eyebrows and just keep no attention to such a person. But strange, I lost all the confidence I had during my 'bright' years. It was pretty good to respect myself living in a shell almost out of touch with reality even when communicating with others. Probably that was what I wanted to achieve - I said to myself I wanted to live ib a 'bubble' - transparent to see people but not letting them hurt me (that was my vision of true self-esteem). Just recently I learnt it's called 'lack of feelings' - when
it's too much for a person, they lock their bad feelings, but the trick is that the good ones are ocked as well. I felt very comfortable, but I was neither happy not unhappy, just apathy that depressed me. And confidence... when it came to real things or changing or starting anything I trembled like a leaf feeling far more less courageous that in my adolescent years, very very
insecure every day. I think the first stage was self-growth and the second one is self-acceptance. I completely disagree with any benefits of accepting myself as I am, it's just escapism!!! And that's probably the stage you're in now, Michelle. I read Steve's article on this topic ( self-acceptance vs.
personal growth), but I just can't find a way out for me in accepting the middle. So I decided to get back to 'high school' (is it a step back?) and start achieving all I need hoping to maintain some of self-respect I gained if I can. That's why I'm starting my challenge (30-day trial) in April (in 21 hours, oh my!). I aim to establish a mindset of a robot so far just not my procrastination on one hand and insecurities on the other get me. But still I'm very confused about all that: high self-esteem/insecurity - courage/low self-esteem. Can anyone make it clear???

[ricky]

Everyone has given great advice.
In addition to all that, you should focus on your emotions and feelings. Remember, emotions are our friends. Whenever you feel like you should act a certain way or do a certain thing, ask yourself how you're feeling. If you're feeling great that means you should go ahead and do it. If you're feeling lousy, meaning your emotional guidance system's telling you that what you're about to do or are doing is not something that you want and is in alignment with your higher self.
More you do things that do not make you feel good, more you'll feel like crap and the lower your self esteem will become.
More you do things that make you feel happy and joyous, higher your self esteem will be.
So, if you're amongst a group of people and someone tells a joke and you start laughing but you realize that you're not laughing because it's a funny joke, you're laughing because everyone else is laughing, therefore you're not being true to yourself. So, you're giving your subconscious mind instructions in a way that it doesn't matter what you feel about a certain thing, you have to do things in order to please others.
Laugh if you feel like laughing. Don't if you don't. Be true to yourself.
Listen to your emotions. They're your best friends. If something makes you feel good then keep doing it and the more you do this, happier you will be and higher your self esteem will be.
That's also why noticing all the good things that are in your life matter so much since they make you feel good.