Unreasonable expectations and Inner Ruling

[dulaney0330]

Since getting a new job, my struggles of insecurity and anxiety have grown. One of the biggest challenges I face are the strict and oppressive expectations that I place on myself. I do struggle with a lot of social anxiety and I have to "credit" these expectations for giving it its strength. When I go into a social situation, I have these thoughts:

"You must be outgoing. You must be funny. You must be likeable. You must be interesting. You must be fun. You must be intelligent. You must be compassionate and helpful. You must be kind. You must be witty. You must be sensitive. You must be creative."

I laugh when I read this because its certainly unreasonable to attain all in every situation. But I expect it. I carry these expectations to feel a sense of approval, recognition, admiration from my peers, co workers, family.

I am very hard on myself. I expect perfection and I want the best. But, these strict standards makes me feel so scared and anxious inside! I feel like I have this evil witch inside, ruling over in hatred and rules, and punishing me if I do not live up to the expectations.

Now, I may get the responses to "let go" and "accept yourself." Is that it? Does that even help? How do I do that?

And I have felt compassionate for that part of me. But, these issues and thoughts continue to come back. I do well for a time and then I fall back into it. Consistency is the key to success but success scares me! (Damned if you do, damned if you dont)

[James81]

Why do you feel you must be all of those things?

[ChrisGinsburg]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I do struggle with a lot of social anxiety and I have to "credit" these expectations for giving it its strength.

You have answered your own question. Every time you allow these thoughts into your mind and accept them as truth you are commanding yourself to feel inferior and anxious. You are the commander of your emotions. It is not the other way around. Emotions have a way of fooling you into thinking so but I assure you that if you challenge your thinking and refuse to accept the way you feel simply because it's so powerful, you will start to notice a change. This is not to say that your life will instantly take a 180, but you will begin to find the confidence in yourself that you have been searching for. As your confidence grows, your power over these destructive thoughts will also grow in conjunction.

[Illuminatus]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

SWhen I go into a social situation, I have these thoughts:

"You must be outgoing. You must be funny. You must be likeable. You must be interesting. You must be fun. You must be intelligent. You must be compassionate and helpful. You must be kind. You must be witty. You must be sensitive. You must be creative."

I understand this, I have lived it, and sometimes I still live it.

Instead of thinking like this, I challenge you instead to feel whatever emotions you're feeling, fully and without judgment, and go into social situations BEING anxious, being awkward, and most importantly, being yourself. Go and talk to people with your head held low. Feel humble. Feel like you're not good enough. Be a dork.

The resistance you have created comes from the belief you hold that X, Y and Z won't happen if you do this. "This girl won't like me." "They won't think I'm fun." But you need to start where you're at. So go and talk to people, and be a dork, and be okay with that. What ends up happening is that you relax because you take ALL the expectations off yourself.

Change comes from doing, and it's a long haul. I'm telling you it's okay to be yourself.

[Divajules]

It seems to me that you have already identified the problem. Now comes the hard part - actually changing. Remember, this is a PROCESS.

I am certain many people can relate to your post, dulaney0330.

Every time you catch yourself having these feelings, acknowledge that you are doing it again. Praise yourself for being aware!! Then, simply correct yourself. Have an inner conversation. Remind yourself of how you would like to feel/be and take a stab at it. Be gentle with yourself. This stage is the most difficult part!

Keep doing this over and over. Gently correct yourself again and again. I know it sounds tedious but eventually, you will realize that you have made some progress. That will help keep you on track. Before long, you will wonder where all that stuff went.

Remember too that we all have these kinds of feelings and you are no different than anyone else. People are too worried about themselves most of the time to even notice what you are doing, you know? Take comfort in this when you feel like a huge dork or something. Personally, I love dorks (strange, eccentric and goofy people)...they are so interesting!

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by James81

Why do you feel you must be all of those things?

If I am not, I will not be recognized, admired, or approved. Of course, I know I can only decide this for myself but in a way, you believe this is the case especially in your career. You have to be the best to get ahead. I have to be a certain way in order to receive acceptable responses.

For a while, I was always quiet and depressed. I didn't get any approval or attention. So, I figure I have to be a certain way to retain a level of self esteem.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Illuminatus

I understand this, I have lived it, and sometimes I still live it.

Instead of thinking like this, I challenge you instead to feel whatever emotions you're feeling, fully and without judgment, and go into social situations BEING anxious, being awkward, and most importantly, being yourself. Go and talk to people with your head held low. Feel humble. Feel like you're not good enough. Be a dork.

The resistance you have created comes from the belief you hold that X, Y and Z won't happen if you do this. "This girl won't like me." "They won't think I'm fun." But you need to start where you're at. So go and talk to people, and be a dork, and be okay with that. What ends up happening is that you relax because you take ALL the expectations off yourself.

Change comes from doing, and it's a long haul. I'm telling you it's okay to be yourself.

Such a scary thing to do! I have a book, "soul without shame" that talks about letting go of judgment and experiencing life without constant analysis. I have tried and succeeded...on occasion. But, I go back and forth. I can never just have that consistency with my personal development. I feel scared most of the time and then I get tired of being scared, live a little, and resort back.

I do have to say I spend little time with my self help readings or meditation. So, I must be willing to do the work to see results.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Divajules

It seems to me that you have already identified the problem. Now comes the hard part - actually changing. Remember, this is a PROCESS.

I am certain many people can relate to your post, dulaney0330.

Every time you catch yourself having these feelings, acknowledge that you are doing it again. Praise yourself for being aware!! Then, simply correct yourself. Have an inner conversation. Remind yourself of how you would like to feel/be and take a stab at it. Be gentle with yourself. This stage is the most difficult part!

Keep doing this over and over. Gently correct yourself again and again. I know it sounds tedious but eventually, you will realize that you have made some progress. That will help keep you on track. Before long, you will wonder where all that stuff went.

Remember too that we all have these kinds of feelings and you are no different than anyone else. People are too worried about themselves most of the time to even notice what you are doing, you know? Take comfort in this when you feel like a huge dork or something. Personally, I love dorks (strange, eccentric and goofy people)...they are so interesting!

Very true. changing is the hardest part and its definitely a process. Its hard to feel "like a dork" when I did all my life and I hated that part of me. It was the part that was alienated and rejected in school. To wrap my arms around that aspect seems impossible right now. It seems easy to diagnose a problem, its another to gather the courage to do the healing!

[James81]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

If I am not, I will not be recognized, admired, or approved. Of course, I know I can only decide this for myself but in a way, you believe this is the case especially in your career. You have to be the best to get ahead. I have to be a certain way in order to receive acceptable responses.

For a while, I was always quiet and depressed. I didn't get any approval or attention. So, I figure I have to be a certain way to retain a level of self esteem.

So, it's about wanting to get recognized in your job which helps you get ahead, which ultimately feeds into your self esteem?

Could you expand on the self esteem part? What parts of your self esteem are affected by getting ahead?

Also, do you think there is a connection between this and your other thread about sexuality? I'm not saying there is, I'm just curious since these two threads came at the same time and that can sometimes hold a common theme.

[Illuminatus]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Such a scary thing to do! I have a book, "soul without shame" that talks about letting go of judgment and experiencing life without constant analysis. I have tried and succeeded...on occasion. But, I go back and forth. I can never just have that consistency with my personal development. I feel scared most of the time and then I get tired of being scared, live a little, and resort back.

I do have to say I spend little time with my self help readings or meditation. So, I must be willing to do the work to see results.

I think what people need in this case is physical demonstration. Books don't cut it. Listening to meditation teachers and what not never helped me get this.

You have to ACTUALLY do shame/humility/anxiety the WHOLE HOG. Like, go out, and get shoulders hunched, and feel like a great big ****ing failure, looking at your feet, right there in the social situation, with everyone around you. Feel it. Till you realize it didn't matter anyway. Because there's still a flame burning inside that's you. You pop up, and you're back to normal. Liberated by not ceding to your own self-enforced expectations.

Reading won't cut it dude. You have to actually try it.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by James81

So, it's about wanting to get recognized in your job which helps you get ahead, which ultimately feeds into your self esteem?

Could you expand on the self esteem part? What parts of your self esteem are affected by getting ahead?.

Yes, its about that recognition. To look deeper, I was never recognized by my parents, specifically my dad, so perhaps I am still seeking that through other means?

It has always seemed that my self-esteem was based primarily on external validation (whether by others, career, accomplishments).

My self-esteem is strengthened on familiarity, comfort, and natural. Being successful or getting ahead would dismantle all three. I feel a strong inner child most days and I really need to my inner child therapy.

Originally Posted by James81

Also, do you think there is a connection between this and your other thread about sexuality? I'm not saying there is, I'm just curious since these two threads came at the same time and that can sometimes hold a common theme.

Well, I have many thoughts and I have to hold back from creating many threads

I am not sure if there is a connection. Although control and fear is a common theme in my everyday life. I wrote this thread because I just found out I have a new job and my insecurities and anxieties have been oppressive. Another common theme is trying to "fix" myself and find ways to improve.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Illuminatus

I think what people need in this case is physical demonstration. Books don't cut it. Listening to meditation teachers and what not never helped me get this.

You have to ACTUALLY do shame/humility/anxiety the WHOLE HOG. Like, go out, and get shoulders hunched, and feel like a great big ****ing failure, looking at your feet, right there in the social situation, with everyone around you. Feel it. Till you realize it didn't matter anyway. Because there's still a flame burning inside that's you. You pop up, and you're back to normal. Liberated by not ceding to your own self-enforced expectations.

Reading won't cut it dude. You have to actually try it.

Thanks for your motivating post

I have done this when I was with my family and I felt a little better. But, there's still this nagging feeling that I have "to be more." I have to do more.

Of else...I won't be liked or accepted.

It's not intellectual but something deeply emotional and automatic.

[James81]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Yes, its about that recognition. To look deeper, I was never recognized by my parents, specifically my dad, so perhaps I am still seeking that through other means?

It has always seemed that my self-esteem was based primarily on external validation (whether by others, career, accomplishments).

My self-esteem is strengthened on familiarity, comfort, and natural. Being successful or getting ahead would dismantle all three. I feel a strong inner child most days and I really need to my inner child therapy.

Yeah, it's definitely interesting how we (people in general) have a way of seeking from the external world that which we can only generate from within ourselves. External validation feels good in the moment that we get it, but it soon passes, doesn't it?

And, yeah, I can see how if you never felt validated by your dad that that could spill over into trying to overachieve, being a perfectionist, and holding yourself to all those standards that you think he thinks you should live by. Or sometimes we can even be ruled by the "opposite" syndrome. That is we do the exact opposite of what we think our parents expect of us just BECAUSE we think they expect us to do a certain thing. In our youth, we think that this is individuality, but at the end of the day it's still living at effect to them when we don't link up to our own authentic desires, rather than just doing things to separate ourselves from someone else.

Does any of that resonate with you?

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Well, I have many thoughts and I have to hold back from creating many threads

I am not sure if there is a connection. Although control and fear is a common theme in my everyday life. I wrote this thread because I just found out I have a new job and my insecurities and anxieties have been oppressive. Another common theme is trying to "fix" myself and find ways to improve.

Ha! I see one common theme in a lot of the stuff you post lately...this notion of "holding back.' What's behind that? I mean, what is *really* behind that? Why do you feel like you must hold back so much? I know you've mentioned religious beliefs and expectations, but is there more to it than that?

Also, look at the qualities that you feel you *must* be (listed in your first post):

"You must be outgoing. You must be funny. You must be likeable. You must be interesting. You must be fun. You must be intelligent. You must be compassionate and helpful. You must be kind. You must be witty. You must be sensitive. You must be creative."

All of these qualities are kind of the opposite of holding back, no?

So, you feel you must have these very outgoing, very "free" kind of qualities, ones in which almost require you to let go and just be whatever flows out of you...and, yet, you also have this conflicting notion of feeling like you have to hold back.

So, yeah, I see a common theme there now that you mention it.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by James81

And, yeah, I can see how if you never felt validated by your dad that that could spill over into trying to overachieve, being a perfectionist, and holding yourself to all those standards that you think he thinks you should live by. Or sometimes we can even be ruled by the "opposite" syndrome. That is we do the exact opposite of what we think our parents expect of us just BECAUSE we think they expect us to do a certain thing. In our youth, we think that this is individuality, but at the end of the day it's still living at effect to them when we don't link up to our own authentic desires, rather than just doing things to separate ourselves from someone else.

Does any of that resonate with you?.

More than validation, I didn't feel recognized by my parents. I felt invisible. So, I feel this drive to be excellent in order to be seen or heard. However, this excellence are, in fact, empty dreams. I don't actually overachieve but I expect perfection, although I intellectually acknowledge this is not possible. I am disappointed when my efforts, ideas, actions are average or below average.

Originally Posted by James81

Ha! I see one common theme in a lot of the stuff you post lately...this notion of "holding back.' What's behind that? I mean, what is *really* behind that? Why do you feel like you must hold back so much? I know you've mentioned religious beliefs and expectations, but is there more to it than that?.

Interesting insight. Well, I feel I have to hold back "negative" traits: selfishness, pride, lust, depression, anxiety, anger, greed, frustration.

Here is something I thought of: I had to hold a lot back growing up. If I felt angry, frustrated, sad, even sexual (bringing up conversations with mother)..I was chatisized and sometimes physically abused. A lot of energy went into suppression instead of expression.

My mom, being a single parent, did not want to hear about my woes and troubles. She had her plate full herself and only had so much patience. So, I had to hold a lot back because if I did not I would be punished.

I never really thought about that and that is saying a lot since I have analyzed my past to death! Thanks James for faciliating this process..

[James81]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

More than validation, I didn't feel recognized by my parents. I felt invisible. So, I feel this drive to be excellent in order to be seen or heard. However, this excellence are, in fact, empty dreams. I don't actually overachieve but I expect perfection, although I intellectually acknowledge this is not possible. I am disappointed when my efforts, ideas, actions are average or below average.

Hmm, since you know that perfection is not possible, would it be safer to assume that you are expecting excellence? Something beyond what you see as average?

I also noticed that you said that the drive to excellence is in order to be seen or heard. And that the excellence is an empty dream. Does that mean that you feel that being seen or heard is an empty dream?

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Interesting insight. Well, I feel I have to hold back "negative" traits: selfishness, pride, lust, depression, anxiety, anger, greed, frustration.

Here is something I thought of: I had to hold a lot back growing up. If I felt angry, frustrated, sad, even sexual (bringing up conversations with mother)..I was chatisized and sometimes physically abused. A lot of energy went into suppression instead of expression.

My mom, being a single parent, did not want to hear about my woes and troubles. She had her plate full herself and only had so much patience. So, I had to hold a lot back because if I did not I would be punished.

I never really thought about that and that is saying a lot since I have analyzed my past to death! Thanks James for faciliating this process..

No problem.

And yeah, I can see how being physically abused and chastised would lead to repression. I also wonder if there's a connection between the way your mom dismissed your woes (because she had her own issues) is perhaps part of the reason you are wanted to be seen and heard.

It's kinda interesting that we recreate the boxes we grow up under. Chastising can create a powerful hold on us, even into our adult lives. When the people we expect most to validate us and show us love let us down in our childhood, we begin to desperately reach out for validation in other ways. But only within the confines of their chastisment, which may or may not be enough to get that validation.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by James81

Hmm, since you know that perfection is not possible, would it be safer to assume that you are expecting excellence? Something beyond what you see as average?

I also noticed that you said that the drive to excellence is in order to be seen or heard. And that the excellence is an empty dream. Does that mean that you feel that being seen or heard is an empty dream?.

Yes! That's definitely much more accurate...I seek excellence instead of perfection. I seek excellence in my nutritional, mental, emotional development. I seek excellence in my marriage. I seek excellence in my career. But, yet, I often underachieve because I doubt I could meet my own standards of excellence, which is often perfection.

Originally Posted by James81

And yeah, I can see how being physically abused and chastised would lead to repression. I also wonder if there's a connection between the way your mom dismissed your woes (because she had her own issues) is perhaps part of the reason you are wanted to be seen and heard.

It's kinda interesting that we recreate the boxes we grow up under. Chastising can create a powerful hold on us, even into our adult lives. When the people we expect most to validate us and show us love let us down in our childhood, we begin to desperately reach out for validation in other ways. But only within the confines of their chastisment, which may or may not be enough to get that validation.

Very true. Inner child therapy resonates deeply with me because of the issues I enountered with my parents, especially my mother. While I understand the dynamics, I believe the reason why I haven't truly changed is because I don't believe its possible. I feel like my childhood molded me into this person and while I can improve, I will just be disappointed with who I was made to be.

[James81]

So, what is perfection to you?

And what do you expect that you'd explore/get out of doing inner child therapy?

[EnlightenMe]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Very true. Inner child therapy resonates deeply with me because of the issues I enountered with my parents, especially my mother. While I understand the dynamics, I believe the reason why I haven't truly changed is because I don't believe its possible. I feel like my childhood molded me into this person and while I can improve, I will just be disappointed with who I was made to be.

I wasn't seen or heard either growing up.

I've learned recently through David Richo's book, When the Past is Present, that the emotional needs we didn't get in childhood will come back and want payment for them. We try to get those unmet needs met somehow, usually through a partner.

Richo's suggestion is to identify the loss, then grieve the losses when you identify them, so that you can let them go. This is suppose to help in healing those voids in you.

I can say that I've been doing this for over 30 days now, and it has made a huge difference for me. I don't try to block the emotions when they come. I just feel them and live with them. Just live with those feelings, allow them to be there, live with them, grieve them and let them go.

[ChrisGinsburg]

Originally Posted by Illuminatus

I think what people need in this case is physical demonstration. Books don't cut it. Listening to meditation teachers and what not never helped me get this.

You have to ACTUALLY do shame/humility/anxiety the WHOLE HOG. Like, go out, and get shoulders hunched, and feel like a great big ****ing failure, looking at your feet, right there in the social situation, with everyone around you. Feel it. Till you realize it didn't matter anyway. Because there's still a flame burning inside that's you. You pop up, and you're back to normal. Liberated by not ceding to your own self-enforced expectations.

Reading won't cut it dude. You have to actually try it.

"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain" The key part here is "DO". Introspection has its time and place. Putting non stop introspection in place of taking action is the cause of many people's inner agony. Whatever you choose to do dulaney, make it count and give it your all. Take your mind out of thinking mode and act. Even if you make a fool out of yourself at work, it could turn out to be the most important thing you have ever done for yourself.

Edit: This is going to sound strange but I think you should change your avatar image as well. The cat is cute but I think it reinforces your mindset of fragility and need for acceptance. I know it sounds silly but even small things like that can make impressions on our subconscious

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by EnlightenMe

I wasn't seen or heard either growing up.

I've learned recently through David Richo's book, When the Past is Present, that the emotional needs we didn't get in childhood will come back and want payment for them. We try to get those unmet needs met somehow, usually through a partner.

Richo's suggestion is to identify the loss, then grieve the losses when you identify them, so that you can let them go. This is suppose to help in healing those voids in you.

I can say that I've been doing this for over 30 days now, and it has made a huge difference for me. I don't try to block the emotions when they come. I just feel them and live with them. Just live with those feelings, allow them to be there, live with them, grieve them and let them go.

Haha, funny you mentioned this. I have this book and I was reading it last night after I responded to this thread. David Richo is one of my favorite self help authors...he's incredibly insightful and his compassion is felt through his writings.

I have certainly allowed my emotions to come with acceptance but its very hrad to push aside judgment. I become frustrated very easily with it and I find myself stuck between doubt of progress and wanting progress.

I'll read some more tonight. Thanks for your post and for your excellent suggestion

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by ChrisGinsburg

"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain" The key part here is "DO". Introspection has its time and place. Putting non stop introspection in place of taking action is the cause of many people's inner agony. Whatever you choose to do dulaney, make it count and give it your all. Take your mind out of thinking mode and act. Even if you make a fool out of yourself at work, it could turn out to be the most important thing you have ever done for yourself.

Thank for this. I definitely need more action and less thinking. I am reminded of the episode of "Frasier" where the main actors, both psychatrists, begin to live at the spur of the moment and forsake thinking/analyzing. It's a difficult thing to do for someone passionate about psychology but its necessary!

Originally Posted by ChrisGinsburg

"Edit: This is going to sound strange but I think you should change your avatar image as well. The cat is cute but I think it reinforces your mindset of fragility and need for acceptance. I know it sounds silly but even small things like that can make impressions on our subconscious

Haha, oh! Every holiday season, I have this thing where I post different avatars each week leading up till christmas. Before I picked the cat picture, I had a religious picture and a Christmas tree. I thought the cat was so cute that I had to go with that. But, don't worry--Dec 7th I will be putting up a different picture!

I think one could look into every avatar and see something that is reinforcing our subconscious. And certainly some of it is interesting but other times, I think its over analyzed.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by James81

So, what is perfection to you?

And what do you expect that you'd explore/get out of doing inner child therapy?

Perfection seems to be synonymous with expectations. I expect to say the right thing all the time. I expect to be compassionate, kind, creative, and funny, outgoing at the right times. And I expect to know then these times are. In a sense, I have to personality mirror my environment. If I say something wrong in an interview, i am annoyed and I regret it. And part of me goes, "theres that flawed part of you! coming out for all to see!"

I expect to feel a connection between the adult (me) and the inner child. When I refuse to acknowledge her, show compassion, or when I reject her there is a disconnection that permeates my entire being. I feel anxious, insecure, afraid, and lost. But, when I reconnect, I feel relieved, safe, satisfied, and playful.

[dulaney0330]

Today, I've been thinking a lot about my thread and it dawned on me: I treat myself the way my mother treated me.

The most clear example of this came tonight when I felt ill. I had a fever and I was very tired. Suddenly, I became concerned, caring, and sensitive. My mom used to be this way when I was sick. Things like, "aww, well go lay down. You need your rest. Can I get you anything?" I felt very comforted and cared for when I was sick.

However, when I became better, it all changed. It was back to abuse, condemnation, rejection of my feelings/thoughts, and emotional distance. I treat myself like this much of the time!

I've learned, through years and years, how to treat myself and I have identified with my insensitive and abusive mother. The only thing: how do I break something like this? Acceptance and just feeling my feelings?

[James81]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Today, I've been thinking a lot about my thread and it dawned on me: I treat myself the way my mother treated me.

The most clear example of this came tonight when I felt ill. I had a fever and I was very tired. Suddenly, I became concerned, caring, and sensitive. My mom used to be this way when I was sick. Things like, "aww, well go lay down. You need your rest. Can I get you anything?" I felt very comforted and cared for when I was sick.

However, when I became better, it all changed. It was back to abuse, condemnation, rejection of my feelings/thoughts, and emotional distance. I treat myself like this much of the time!

I've learned, through years and years, how to treat myself and I have identified with my insensitive and abusive mother. The only thing: how do I break something like this? Acceptance and just feeling my feelings?

Its so interesting how many patterns we pick up from our parents and we don't even recognize ourselves doing it. And even more interesting is that we will criticize others for doing those things that we don't even recognize we are doing. That's why other people make good mirrors for us. They reflect back the feelings that were left unresolved to us. Most people never truly realize this and continue to live at effect of those unconscious patterns. But I think this thread is showing your courage in being willing and ready to do it. Don't you?

Trying to rid yourself of the pattern is going to create lots of resistance within yourself, and the thing is, your logical figure it out mind can't beat this because these are very old patterns that feel like reality to you.

I would challenge you to go deeper. To examine the root of this pattern, specifically in what it means about whoo you are. There's more there, and you can feel it can't you?

[EnlightenMe]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I expect to feel a connection between the adult (me) and the inner child. When I refuse to acknowledge her, show compassion, or when I reject her there is a disconnection that permeates my entire being. I feel anxious, insecure, afraid, and lost. But, when I reconnect, I feel relieved, safe, satisfied, and playful.
Yesterday 06:46 PM

Dulaney, I can relate to this. I am finding this thread extremely interesting, especially after having read some of Richo's books.

I have noticed an odd thing about me when I do try to connect or protect my inner child. And this odd thing feels disturbing to me. I noticed, or became aware of this oddity this past year.

There were times when I would have conversations with my husband where I actually felt heard. Those times felt very rare to me. When I did have that "heard" feeling, I found myself feeling more at peace and would actually talk and sound like a little girl!

I mentioned this once to my counselor at the time of the awareness, and she found it interesting, but we didn't break it down. We went onto something else instead.

And then last night, my son and his gf came home all excited with a great movie to watch, some junk food, wanted to build a fire, and have us all enjoy the movie together. I was feeling very happy about the sound of all of that, and felt immediately like a child getting ready to do something fun.

In my excitedness, I was talking about something and my son asked me "why are you talking like a little girl"? OMG, I wasn't even aware of it at the time. And I took it as a negative thing, and a immature trait of mine.

A different counselor I had seen previously suggested to me once to go back in time as a little girl and "parent her". I was to imagine myself as a child and nurture her the way I wasn't nurtured as a child. At the time, it felt more like babysitting and I wasn't really interested.

And now I am wondering, have I not healed myself enough to be at an adult stage? Am I emotionally just a young child that does need to be nurtured into real adulthood? Will I actually find that my voice and subconscience actions sound and act more mature if I do this?

Will it also help me to grow in confidence so that I don't always need to say and do the right things? I don't know. Mind dumping here.

[EnlightenMe]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Today, I've been thinking a lot about my thread and it dawned on me: I treat myself the way my mother treated me.

I find this incredibly insightful and enlightening.

I stopped to think about this for a bit, but not nearly long enough as of yet.

It seems to me that when I am feeling my lowest, it's because I feel unheard, rejected, an annoyance, a bother, and unwanted. These are the exact same feelings I had growing up in a large family with a physically and abusive father and a weak mother who couldn't help me because she was trying to survive herself.

And I find that I treat myself in the same way that they treated me. I've ignored my needs by letting people take advantage of me, I reject most things about myself, I don't want who I am, etc.

[James81]

Originally Posted by EnlightenMe

Dulaney, I can relate to this. I am finding this thread extremely interesting, especially after having read some of Richo's books.

I have noticed an odd thing about me when I do try to connect or protect my inner child. And this odd thing feels disturbing to me. I noticed, or became aware of this oddity this past year.

There were times when I would have conversations with my husband where I actually felt heard. Those times felt very rare to me. When I did have that "heard" feeling, I found myself feeling more at peace and would actually talk and sound like a little girl!

I mentioned this once to my counselor at the time of the awareness, and she found it interesting, but we didn't break it down. We went onto something else instead.

And then last night, my son and his gf came home all excited with a great movie to watch, some junk food, wanted to build a fire, and have us all enjoy the movie together. I was feeling very happy about the sound of all of that, and felt immediately like a child getting ready to do something fun.

In my excitedness, I was talking about something and my son asked me "why are you talking like a little girl"? OMG, I wasn't even aware of it at the time. And I took it as a negative thing, and a immature trait of mine.

A different counselor I had seen previously suggested to me once to go back in time as a little girl and "parent her". I was to imagine myself as a child and nurture her the way I wasn't nurtured as a child. At the time, it felt more like babysitting and I wasn't really interested.

And now I am wondering, have I not healed myself enough to be at an adult stage? Am I emotionally just a young child that does need to be nurtured into real adulthood? Will I actually find that my voice and subconscience actions sound and act more mature if I do this?

Will it also help me to grow in confidence so that I don't always need to say and do the right things? I don't know. Mind dumping here.

Originally Posted by EnlightenMe

I find this incredibly insightful and enlightening.

I stopped to think about this for a bit, but not nearly long enough as of yet.

It seems to me that when I am feeling my lowest, it's because I feel unheard, rejected, an annoyance, a bother, and unwanted. These are the exact same feelings I had growing up in a large family with a physically and abusive father and a weak mother who couldn't help me because she was trying to survive herself.

And I find that I treat myself in the same way that they treated me. I've ignored my needs by letting people take advantage of me, I reject most things about myself, I don't want who I am, etc.

It's interesting how our childlike patterns crop up in situations and we don't even realize them. I am literally awed and wowed by it all the time. And when they crop up, and we seek to try to deal with them, the advice we get is to distract ourselves in some way from them--effectively burying them. Heck, dulaney got advice like this in THIS thread already and it's not even off page one yet. The ole "stop thinking and just ACT" advice. The thing about that is, all you do with that is distract yourself from the pattern long enough to make the feeling subside and effectively leaving it buried.

It's why I always advice people who think to much to think MORE, to do so with purpose, with boldness, despite the fear and despite the emotional turmoil that that might bring.

When these childlike patterns arise, they are sending you a message that they want you to unearth them. They want you to examine them. They are sending you a message about who you believe yourself to be. And they won't just go away. They won't die from distraction and boredom. They are there, and they lie dormant until something (or someone usually ) comes along and activates them. When you connect with the right power source (such your husband), you'll find these patterns bubble right back up to the surface and all the distracting and acting that you have done previously seems like it was for naught. You *feel* like you are right back where you were...and that's because you ARE! Internally, that is. You'll find yourself repeat those patterns over and over again until you examine them fully, bring them to the surface, recognize and respect both the power they have over you and the positive purpose they are serving in your life, and then find a new perspective (your grown up perspective) that helps you understand them.

One of my favorite quotes is from the Oracle in The Matrix Reloaded. When Neo said if she knew he was already going to take the candy she was offering him, how he could make a choice. Her answer?

"You've already made the choice. Now you have to understand it."

If I were to rephrase it, I would say that you've already made the decision (about yourself, when you were a kid), and now you have an opportunity to understand it (and in understanding it, open yourself up to NEW choice).

You asked if you were only on the emotional level of a child and if that was all the further you have come. And to that I would say that a part of you is still a child, but it's a very loud, very painful part of you. And you haven't had the opportunity to really truly understand that pain yet, and that's why it's still there. When you understand it, and you transform it, you will literally shock yourself at how far you HAVE come. Because it will allow you to shift your focus off the childlike self to the "adult" self, which HAS been growing emotionally for years now. And it's that "adult" self which will inspire you and spark growth the likes of which you didn't think possible before.

I call it the war of the dogs. Like there's two dogs fighting on the inside of you. One is the child self, the other is the grown up self. And the one you feed the most (focus on the most) is going to rule you. When you make that shift, however, you're going to find that the adult self, the things you want that inspire you, will take the reigns and you'll feel a whole new world of choice, perspective, and possibility open to you.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by James81

But I think this thread is showing your courage in being willing and ready to do it. Don't you?

Thanks James. Yes, I am willing but also very afraid. I am reading another one of Richo's books, "When love meets fear" and it speaks about the conflicts of fear: fear of changing, fear of not changing; fear of success, fear of failure; fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment. That is me! I often feel stuck in my progress because I fear each end of the spectrum.

Originally Posted by James81

I would challenge you to go deeper. To examine the root of this pattern, specifically in what it means about whoo you are. There's more there, and you can feel it can't you?

In some ways, I feel loveable and precious. But, I believe those are memories, stored in my cellular memory, from when I was a baby. I would imagine I received much more love, warmth, smiles in the first year of my life than at any other time. In my baby book, my mother writes that "she is a very happy baby. Always smiling and looking around." However, my shyness and insecurity seemed more evident when I was two and I didn't want to open my birthday presents.

Parents forget how influential and impactful their thoughts, feelings, actions are on a child.

But, most of my memory, I feel flawed, alone, lost, rejected, inadequate, pushed aside, and worthless. Being very sensitive, I perhaps internalized a lot of my mom's feelings and thoughts about herself. She struggled with low self esteem and an abusive husband. There is no doubt I mirrored her in some way.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by EnlightenMe

Dulaney, I can relate to this. I am finding this thread extremely interesting, especially after having read some of Richo's books.

I have noticed an odd thing about me when I do try to connect or protect my inner child. And this odd thing feels disturbing to me. I noticed, or became aware of this oddity this past year.

There were times when I would have conversations with my husband where I actually felt heard. Those times felt very rare to me. When I did have that "heard" feeling, I found myself feeling more at peace and would actually talk and sound like a little girl!

I mentioned this once to my counselor at the time of the awareness, and she found it interesting, but we didn't break it down. We went onto something else instead.

And then last night, my son and his gf came home all excited with a great movie to watch, some junk food, wanted to build a fire, and have us all enjoy the movie together. I was feeling very happy about the sound of all of that, and felt immediately like a child getting ready to do something fun.

In my excitedness, I was talking about something and my son asked me "why are you talking like a little girl"? OMG, I wasn't even aware of it at the time. And I took it as a negative thing, and a immature trait of mine.

A different counselor I had seen previously suggested to me once to go back in time as a little girl and "parent her". I was to imagine myself as a child and nurture her the way I wasn't nurtured as a child. At the time, it felt more like babysitting and I wasn't really interested.

And now I am wondering, have I not healed myself enough to be at an adult stage? Am I emotionally just a young child that does need to be nurtured into real adulthood? Will I actually find that my voice and subconscience actions sound and act more mature if I do this?

Will it also help me to grow in confidence so that I don't always need to say and do the right things? I don't know. Mind dumping here.

Wow, neat insight! Thanks so much for your reponse! I really like the inner child concept because it, at least to me, is so evident in our everyday lives. The concept itself is simplistic and some way scoff at it, but its my favorite therapy/concept to apply and study.

I can agree with that child like excitement. For example, my inner child is very alive whenever I watch a Disney movie or see an ad on TV for toys. It's just the coolest thing to experience. My whole being lights up and I have this light, airy feel and I am very playful.

but when the adult comes back in? All work and no play! Playing is only for children!

Have you read books on the inner child? I have 3 books on it and my favorite is "Inner bonding." It outlines the concept and how as adults we need to nurture that child daily. Part of me is resistant to it and thinks its silly. But, whenever I engage in activities that my inner child enjoys, I feel happy!

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by EnlightenMe

I find this incredibly insightful and enlightening.

I stopped to think about this for a bit, but not nearly long enough as of yet.

It seems to me that when I am feeling my lowest, it's because I feel unheard, rejected, an annoyance, a bother, and unwanted. These are the exact same feelings I had growing up in a large family with a physically and abusive father and a weak mother who couldn't help me because she was trying to survive herself.

And I find that I treat myself in the same way that they treated me. I've ignored my needs by letting people take advantage of me, I reject most things about myself, I don't want who I am, etc.

Yes, exactly! It's amazing how well we duplicate the relationship between our parents and use that for a lifetime. At times, I am very aware of taking on the harsh, impatient mom. Sometimes, if I drop something I immediately yell, "come on! can't you do anything?" And I know that it was that "adopted" parent inside, speaking words of agitation and impatience.

Do you feel therapy helped you?

I've been to many counselors throughout the years and no one really wanted to delve into the pain I was experiencing. My last psychologist did a little and introduced me to the inner child concept, which I immediately took to. However, the daily process of it all can be tiring and discouraging!