How to help smokers quit?

[Tammy]

Hello, I've never smoked, but I have relatives that are hardcore smokers and it pains me to see how they are hurting themselves and how they could end their lives earlier due this evil habit.

I'm all against being indifferent. I know there's little I can do to help'em quit, but that .001% I can do, I want to do it. I just don't know how, I don't even know how to deal with it.

First, I'm having trouble dealing with my feelings, it angers me to see how they take smoking as a harmless thing, they even say 'one cigarette once in a while won't kill me'. How can they be so blind? This is worse than it seems, as my uncle, who has this attitude, has not long been diagnosed with cancer, he was told to quit smoking, he did for a couple of weeks and now he's back to the old habit.

Since then I don't feel like talking to him, I'm mad at him, I know all smokers are victims of a habit, it's a disease, they don't do this on purpose or with a bad intention. Yet, I can't help it. It hurts to see him doing this. And I don't know how to react.

I think that if I don't get mad at him he will feel I approve he's back to smoking, still, I'm not sure that getting upset will help. How should I manage this?

Other thing that gets me mad, is that he lights his cigarettes in front of his sons (all smokers, of course) and none will tell him anything! Nothing at all! Just like if he was drinking water. Even occasionally, my uncle and one of his sons, will lock into a room to hide (from me) and smoke! Can you believe it? What can I do? How should I feel about my cousin?

We are talking about an old, cancer-diagnosed man here, who is not getting any help from his own sons, but all the opposite. I am really concerned about this situation, please I need some help, as I won't let this end fatally. Thanks for reading this long post.

[skinnyninja]

Your question is "How to help smokers quit," but what you are really asking is "How to convince a smoker to quit."

Or even, "How to motivate a smoker to quit."

Most people who smoke want to quit....some more so than others. But if someone is smoking and they have no intention of stopping, then that is a losing battle right there. Everyone knows darn well how bad smoking is for your health, so you are probably not going to shock them into quitting. They have to find that path on their own.

Here are some stats that might help, but probably not (these people have to want to quit!):

Over half of all those who continue to smoke will die 20 years before their time. 75 percent of all smokers who continue to smoke will die at least 15 years before their time.

Quitting by age 40 will get you almost all of those lost years back. Quitting by age 50 will get you over half of those lost years back. Quitting by age 60 will get you almost half of those years back. It's never to late to quit!!!!

[Liara Covert]

Its useful to realize that we can only control ourselves and not other people. Feelings of helplessness can be hard to endure but they teach us things. After all, why do we aim to control others or impose our ways of doing things? Nobody can take care of you like you can take care of yourself. You can't help others help themselves. They need to figure that out in their time. They can draw strength and energy from you, but its not helpful to nag. Women are built to take care of other people but even they can only do so much.

As hard as it is, each person will choose (or not choose) to learn lessons. My dad smoked 30 years. Many people tried to convince him it was unhealthy and harming people with second-hand smoke. He knew it, but he didn't do anything about his addiction for years. I had to experience severe sinus trouble before he suddenly stopped cold turkey. Before that, he had tried gimmicks like nicorette gum, videos, tapes (including subconscious hypnosis).

The mother of one of my close friends nearly died recently as a consequence of health problems that grew from long-term smoking. When her life flashed in front of her, that was enough of a scare to cause her to change her ways. She came to her own conclusions. Now she quit her closet smoking.

[Smokefish]

I am a smoker. I know its bad for me, but I enjoy it. I don't really want to quit although I know I should. I believe that I am addicted (I am working on changing that belief), which makes it difficult when I do attempt to quit. I am worried that if I was told I had cancer that I still wouldn't quit. Somebody coming to me telling me to quit makes me defensive and resentful. However, if somebody provided me with stop smoking aids, I would make the attempt. So from a smoker's point of view, if I was to try to get somebody I loved to quit, I would buy them the patch, get them the gum, maybe pay for acupuncture or hypnosis and throw in a lot of prayer too, I think it helps. While these things may or may not work, if somebody showed that much commitment to me quitting smoking, I believe I would feel obligated to make a commitment to it as well and I would be more motivated... Smokers may act cavalier about their smoking and act like it is not that serious, but we know better, this is just how we cope with the fact that we are being self-destructive.

[Sarek@Vulcan]

I posted something in another thread so i'll just post a link here on a web site that helped me stop smoking once, until i started again 30 days later when i got drunk.
Stop smoking.Contents.Over 125,000 users

[Niki]

I stopped smoking.

JUST SEE YOURSELF AS A NON SMOKER.

Yes, act like its normal and easy, why making it difficult for yourself ?

If you are a NON-SMOKER then why would you smoke ?

So if you state to yourself, I AM NO SMOKER, I AM A NON-SMOKER.

From then on, your a non-smoker.

EASY ? yes

if you then want to smoke a sigarette, ask yourself why you always want to start smoking, and then find something that gives you a real satisfaction.

Greetz

[Kamma]

I am also a smoker and I know I should quit. I know that if someone tells me continuously to stop it makes me even more determined not to. (I think there's still something of a rebellion going on there) If you support the people around you to look to a more positive and healthy lifestyle then a gradual cutting down and quitting may result. In the end you can't really force anyone to do something they inherently don't want to (just like alocoholics drug addicts, etc) I am focusing on me at the moment and to a happy, healthy future and as a result (althoughI haven't stopped yet) I am on the way and will get there and sometime in the not too distant future I will be a non-smoker

[Tammy]

Thanks a lot for the answers

I appreciate the input from the smokers, maybe some of you think that when some people are nagging you consistently to quit smoking is because they find it bothersome to them (the smoke, bad odor, etc). But the truth is that we worry about you, we are concerned, we appreciate you and that's why we want you with us for as long as possible. So don't get mad, we are not trying to repress you in any form, we don't want to get you rid of something you enjoy.

I think both sides, smokers and non-smokers, have different views and it's hard for the smoker to think as the non-smoker and vice-versa. This makes communication with each other (regarding smoking) a living hell. Each side has its own perspective so it really helps a lot to walk in the shoes of the other before doing anything.

It was only when I tried to see the world through the eyes of a smoker that I could understand that this is like a disease, that they are victims, that they are in a trance-like state and not doing this with the intention of hurting themselves or bothering others. This has somehow helped me a little bit to feel less angry about what they do. I understand the enemy is the addiction and the cigarette, not the person smoking.

Still, I can't get to feel this is alright. Some people stop once they get a close call, but for other's that's not enough, they don't seem to want to stop...

PLEASE, keep participating!

[Adam]

I would advise *very* strongly against quitting 'aids' that use nicotine in them, such as the patch or gum.

Would you give a person who is quitting cocaine some crack to relieve their cravings?

Quitting smoking is extremely easy... Quitting nicotine is very hard. I can replace all of my cigarettes with a patch without a problem, but it would not help me one bit when it comes to getting over the addiction.

The nicotine is what causes the heart disease and strokes, which is the primary killer of smokers. Sure, if I started wearing a patch, I wouldn't get lung cancer, and I would get rid of the smoker's cough, but I'd get skin cancer instead. If I took my nicotine replacement orally, such as chewing tobacco or the gum, then I'll get cancer in my mouth. The patch may be healthier than smoking, but that is like saying that motor oil is healthier than rat poison... both will still kill you.

Statistically, people are more successful at quitting all forms of nicotine by quitting cold turkey than by using a nicotine replacement technique. 10% of people who quit cold turkey stay quit after two years, compared to 1% of those who use the patch or gum. (Some people become more addicted to the patch than to smoking, because with smoking, you still experience withdrawal every hour, where the patch gives you a permanent 'high'.)

Find a support group, such as one of Allen Carr's Easy Way clinics, because they have the highest rate of people who do not pick up the habit again. (The Easy Way clinics tout a 90% success rate, based on the number of people who request refunds.) Hypnosis helped my father, and is my next step, once I have enough money saved up... Another method, which I don't recommend, is to get nicotine poisoning, so that the very thought of a cigarette makes you ill. I know a few people who have successfully quit for years that way.

Also, if you do confront someone about smoking, be extremely tactful. They have built several layers of reactions around the addiction so that they don't wake up one day and decide to kick the habit out of sheer willpower. It is extremely difficult to break through those layers, and impossible if you use any sort of forceful language, such as guilt, fear, or anger. Use tact, be loving, and be supportive.

[Adam]

Oh, here's an analogy of what quitting smoking is like...

Miss two meals, then imagine feeling a constant hunger like that for about a week. That's what the physical cravings feel like.

Then, stop scratching your itches. Lighting a cigarette takes as much conscious attention as scratching an itch does. Fortunately for most smokers, they have to walk outside in order to smoke, so that adds a bit more conscious effort to smoking, but it isn't very much effort, and the decision to smoke is just as unconscious as the decision to scratch.

Finally, listen to your spouse nagging you for a week, with no chance of escaping them. At times, you'll be angry, but most people eventually give in, if for nothing else, than to shut them up. This is like the psychological addiction, and you really are having a battle of wits with yourself. You know all of your tricks, strengths, and weaknesses, and you can't escape from your own thoughts... This is often the hardest part of quitting smoking.

Now, imagine reaching the second week, when you were promised that you would finally be free of smoking, and getting another physical craving again. By this time, you'll feel as though there is no escaping the addiction, as it just seems to go on and on forever... You're not a non-smoker, because you still have cravings, both physical and psychological, and it seems like it will never end.

That's why many people continue to smoke... We all know, intellectually, that smoking is what causes the cravings, but to the subconscious mind, the cigarette is what gets rid of the cravings... Every time that a person smokes and that craving disappears, the subconscious idea that smoking eliminates cravings gets stronger and stronger, so when that idea is challenged, we build defenses around it. If someone says that smoking will kill us, we'll ignore it. If someone coughs loudly around a smoker, we become angry. (Unless it is another smoker, then we commiserate, because we've all been there before.) If someone says that we should quit smoking, we'll roll our eyes, glare at that person, and a few choice words will run through our mind... and maybe spill out our mouths.

The idea that smoking reduces the cravings is flawed, but the subconscious mind doesn't care, and it will fight with every tool that it has to keep those cigarettes coming.

Anyways, I hope that helps to give you some perspective. I hope that you can help your uncle to quit, and when I do quit, I'll help out by sharing what method finally worked.

[Smokefish]

Originally Posted by Sarek@Vulcan

I posted something in another thread so i'll just post a link here on a web site that helped me stop smoking once, until i started again 30 days later when i got drunk.
Stop smoking.Contents.Over 125,000 users

This looks to be very promising for me. Granted I'm on my first day of not smoking, but so far so good... Right now its not the physical cravings that are bothering me, but the daily routine of my day that incorporated smoking. I have to find other things to do with myself, I usually chain smoke when I'm on the phone and driving, its the routine I'm missing and not the actual cigarette itself at the moment.

[A.K.Light]

When a person REALLY wants to quit, they will. Getting to that point is a difficult battle, but at some point, the desire to quit will be so strong that it will stomp out everything that contradicts it. If you're not at that point, keep trying.

It's really quite simple and profound. It's easy to say and hard to do. But, the real struggle is within yourself, not with the cigarettes. Once you're in the right place within yourself, the cigarettes don't even matter anymore. You don't think about how you're not smoking or how long it's been since you have, you just know that you don't smoke and it's no big deal anymore. You no longer say "I wish I could smoke right now..." It's more like "Wow, fresh air tastes great!"

The best words in the world could never do what needs to be done. They might help spark the fire at least. Good luck to all who want to quit.

[torilink]

perhaps the problem doesn't lie with the smokers - but those who judge them and their behavior.

[Tammy]

Originally Posted by torilink

perhaps the problem doesn't lie with the smokers - but those who judge them and their behavior.

Yeah, perhaps the cancer, the hearth attacks, and hundreds of other diseases lie in the imagination of all of us who don't smoke.

We are not here to judge, we are here to support. Because there IS a problem that lies with people that smokes, and that is that they are slowly killing themselves.

I agree you don't have to judge THEM, because they somehow don't do all this harm to themselves (and other) on purpose.

[Adam]

Tammy, I would like to thank you.

This post was one of the last nudges towards quitting smoking.

Tonight at ten, I will have been without a cigarette for a full week.

Thanks you.

[forest]

Now i'm a non smoker and got myself into a right mess!!

When i met my girlfriend she smoked, as ever i saw other things in her and we started dating. From the day we met she promised she would quit when she finished uni. That was 16 months ago and we have been rowing about it for the last 8 months still. She has been lying and sneeky about it behind my back and insists she CANT COPE going out with friends and DRINKING without smoking.

We now have seperate social lives because i cant bear to see her smoke and she is scared of my reaction.
I bought her allan carr and gum and got helpline numbers etc.

The trouble is that i am the one with the problem, i can't stand it now and it is ruining our relationship.

I have read several forums and now need to decide:-
Do i leave her because i cant cope or hang on in and hope she quits?


I am now so wound up about it i dont know what to do.

[Adam]

That is a very hard question, Forest.

On one hand, if you left your girlfriend over smoking, it might wake her up to just how serious it is, and she'll quit. On the other hand, she will be so stressed out that it would be next to impossible for her to quit.

Also, if you stay with her, you're hurting yourself, and your relationship is obviously hurting. Then again, perhaps her seeing you suffering will eventually wear her down to the point where she can actually quit on her own.

Regardless of what you decide, get rid of the gum. Do not give drugs to a drug addict. Giving a nicotine addict a patch, gum, or lozenge is like giving meth to a heroine addict; it is still the same drug, even though they come in different packages. It is the nicotine that people are addicted to, not the smoking. You can't quit a drug by taking more of that drug. Just let them detox.

Sorry, that's my little soap-box. I really despise nicotine replacement therapy, because I've watched my father use it unsuccessfully for years, and I've known friends who have tried and failed to quit countless time by using a patch or gum. The only common factor among my friends who have quit smoking for over two years is that they all quit cold turkey.

[ArthurHung]

It might help you to understand why they smoke. People smoke cigarettes because their level of consciousness is low. They haven't figured out meaning in their lives yet and compensate with an addiction. Highly social people often are afflicted by this; if you catch one in an odd moment alone before they realize you are there it then becomes evident that inside they are not nearly as happy as their social front appears. If they are unaware of levels of consciousness or a similar equivalent, and most people are, they lack confidence and their ego resists improvement ("there's nothing wrong with me"). If they do have some levels of consciousness understanding, they refuse to acknowledge that their current state of consciousness is not adequate because their ego reigns control. Succumbing to smoking and focusing on their addiction(s) removes them from their state of fear.

A common definition of happiness is to be immersed in an enjoyable activity. While not wholly incorrect, according to this definition these activities could include unhealthy eating, porn, drinking and gambling. This is a very temporal and superifical form of happiness. All addictions are the same, they all impede the development of a higher level of consciousness. Real happiness is gained from being completely and utterly immersed in an activity that has a meaningful goal.

I have only successfully converted one smoker into a nonsmoker; even then, it was only a partial success. I spent much time with this person, introducing all sorts of healthy ideas to her until she replaced her nicotine addiction with a sugar addiction. I consider this far from a real success. I have not been in contact with this person for a long time; without the encouragment of a friend in the development of healthy living, I can visualize seeing her succumb to nicotine again. However, even if I continued this support, it would be inefficient and unlikley to solve the root of the problem.

All human improvement relates to levels of consciousness. Focus on increasing their levels of consciousness and if you succeed, you have a much higher chance of helping them permanantly grow out the addiction. If you don't and choose to do so through conventional means you may find that even if you succeed they will just succumb to another addiction; most addicts have more than one addiction. How do you help others grow in levels of consciousness? The only way to do this is to work on your own.

[YouseffTheSheep]

Short and Sweet:

Unless they are willing to quit, you shouldn't bother trying to get them to quit. Everyone knows the harmful effects of smoking already, if that's not enough to stop them, then it's going to take a change in them.

My advice to you:

Get over it. You have to move on, and realise, everyone is going to die someday. I know you want to try and make their life longer, but it's each individuals choice how long they want to try and make it.

[forest]

Thankyou all for replying.

I have thought alot about this, and i know it is my problem that is making me feel sick inside at the thought of her smoking. And i do. I feel sick inside and cried for an hour today thinking how our once beautiful relationship could be in so much mess.

We have both been to a counseller twice and what i got from this is that she is 100% committed to this relationship, i dont have any other worries. We have a lovely apartment, awesome holidays, great friends and family.(who she has also lied to about this)

The counseller told me that what she wants most, is for me to wish her well and enjoy her evenings when she goes out with her friends in the knowledge that she is smoking, i used to get anxious and act a bit off because i knew what she would be up to
(i didnt know i was doing this!), this was a trust issue(i couldn't trust her not to smoke) and i wasnt there to keep an eye on her.

From what i have read other smokers feel the same and just want support in this way.

Do i do this in sheer hope it has the desired effect??

I know my heavy handed approach in the past has not worked, believe me it has been "me or the fags" on several occasions and me finding them and going mad at her, i feel i have tried to help but for nothing.

She says she resents me, and that i just dont understand.
I think there must be something keeping us together, but the thing is, she has a lot more to loose if we split.(home, furniture Is all mine) and i would be able to cope. She moved away from her family to be here.

Now i have realised my actions have not helped, the fact that she says she ENJOYS smoking socially and it's "OK" make me think that i am tired and run down from it all and will she ever "wake up" and decide for herself.
I wont put a time limit on it but i really dont know how long i can go on suffering in silence if thats what i need to do!

Sorry to go on but i want help to cover all angles from people who have "been there".

Cheers guys.

[Adam]

One thing that could help is to realize that she doesn't enjoy the smoking, even if she thinks that she does. She enjoys the release from the cravings that the smoking causes.

Smoking is a hunger, just as the desire for food is a hunger. The difference is that a person can survive with the hunger for a cigarette.

Probably the best thing to do for your relationship is to wish her well as she goes out to smoke, and say a silent prayer as she leaves. She already knows just how much smoking repulses you, so heaping on more guilt will only drive a wedge further between the two of you.

Instead, be caring of her despite the cigarettes. I know that it is hard to separate a person from their actions, but the addiction isn't her. The smoking is the result of a chemical change in her brain. If you are supportive of her despite the smoking, it will begin to softly drive a wedge between her perceived enjoyment of cigarettes and will help to motivate her to stop on her own.

Quitting smoking is always a personal choice. It must be a personal choice if the person is ever going to stop smoking. Do not guilt her into quitting, but instead, let her own guilt build up behind the scenes. This will take a lot of time, and she may have several failed attempts to quit, but as long as you're supportive and you don't judge her, she'll build her own strength to beat the addiction.

I wish you the best of luck. I know just how hard quitting smoking is, as I've just gone a week and two days into my latest quit. I can tell you, though, that with someone supportive of her choice by her side, it will be much easier. Be as strong or as soft as she needs you to be, and together, you can beat the addiction.