|Emotional Mastery Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT|
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|11-13-2010, 04:00 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
Urgent help, please!
First things first: My english grammar is not good, so if you have any questions please just ask, if I don't make my self clear.
For some reason, I don't have friends. Guys/Girls, no one.
I live at a pretty small place 5.000+ people live here, and everybody knows everybody. They party together, hang out together so on.
I know this for a fact. And still... here I am alone with my dog on a saturday afternoon. Been like this for 4 years now.
As much as I want help on this, I don't want any lectures please.
Like: "Oh, everybody has friends" ect, because no.. not everyone has friends.
What I ask for, is how do I accept the fact that people don't seem to want to hang around me? Because I am tired of walking around acting like everything is fine, and smile / be polite to people.
My brother has beaten me up before because of my 'attitude' towards life in general. So I am pretty much afraid to be "who-I-feel-I-am" you know?
I am afraid to be myself, show the world that NO I AM NOT fine.
In a nutshell, how do I accept myself? Accept the fact that I might not be pretty, cool or interesting.
Any help is much appreciated, I know this forum have a lot of people with knowledge.
Also, I can post a picture of my self. If that somehow makes it easier. I don't know. Also don't be afraid to give me the truth. And by the way, I am not a brat/shitkid or anything. I am 24 years old with some huge problems in my life.
|11-13-2010, 05:14 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2008
You don't seem to have an attitude whatsoever.
I think you're way too self-deprecating.
Some people don't have any friends.
I have only 3 friends.
I have friends from college who give me their numbers to chat on the phone, I just got an email from a good friend 2 weeks ago, and I see them all on facebook. Some of them are cool people, but I don't count them as friends.
I also go to free Spanish lessons, I used to be in a Samba school, I briefly took Brazilian jiu-jitsu, I'm in several over meetup groups like an Objectivist meetup, a Portuguese meetup which I've been to several times, and a Polyamory meetup which I've been to twice. I would not consider any of these people friends.
My therapist knows more about me than anyone on the planet and she tirelessly gives extremely good advice. But she's obviously not my friend.
I'm also in a bi women's meetup group. I'm been to their dinners, mixers at clubs, and even to their pool parties. I've exchanged numbers with a few of them and hung out one on one. On top of that, all of these women know that I'm a Satanist. But I don't even consider THEM friends, although I could just as well start hanging out with them and scrape up at least 3 new royal blues.
I've always been more of a royal blue person. An associate or acquaintance is someone to hang out with if you want to enjoy yourself. That's not a real friend.
I also tend to gravitate towards guys because girls tend to be chatty and gabby. But I'd rather not have 10 male friends because that doesn't feel natural. Maybe one day I'll have 30 girl friends but it'd have to be worth my while. Like I'd having to be getting laid on a regular basis.
I like to focus on myself and one of my favorite activities is meditating in darkness or journaling under a red light. I also like to sit in a wooded area and read strange books.
So the question is this: do YOU want to have a lot of friends, or do you feel like that's the thing to do?
This is not a third world country where if you have less than 100 phonies you're a loser. You won't believe the pressure to conform in places like Brazil. This is the West where that will make you a rugged individualist. As people get older people become less friendship oriented especially if they have children that they need to devote their lives to.
But I would say though that you should work on your social skills. Go to bars and sit at the happy hours and just chat with the people there. Go to language classes, spiritual groups, or meetups. Sometimes you meet interesting people and have very interesting convos.
|11-13-2010, 06:35 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2010
Is it a 'fact' that you're not 'pretty or cool or interesting' or a belief? Isn't it perhaps something you're afraid might be 'true'? Even if it were true at the moment, it does it have to stay 'true'?
Let me relate a story.
When I was in high school, there was a girl in my social group that no one really paid any attention to. She seemed like a very ordinary, plain, quiet girl who didn't have a lot of friends. It took someone from outside our group to see how hot she really was and almost from the moment he took an interest in her, everyone else started realizing just how interesting and cool she had become. How did this happen? Who knows. To this day I kick myself for not recognizing it myself. But it was my own fault: I was stuck with a certain image of her built up from my understanding of how everyone in our circle related toward her.
Social groups are funny like that: people develop a sort of image of somebody and then relate to that image instead of to the person behind the image. Granted: much of the time people are responsible for the kinds of images other people have of them but none of those images are 'true' or 'facts'. The reason why so many people recommend you go out and do things and be social to break out of your shell is because sometimes you have a 'happy accident' and you do something outside of your comfort zone and you surprise yourself. You see some quality in yourself that you didn't realize that you had and it becomes a resource for you. And sometimes, somebody else sees a quality in you they didn't see before and all of a sudden they start seeing you in a new light.
If you go out and socialize in a different social group (say, in a new city), the members of that group won't have any preconceived notions of who you are: they will only have how you portray yourself. If you use the same strategies in the new social group that you used in the old social group, then you will likely end up with similar images. If you use new strategies, you can literally create a new self image in the new social group. If that new image works for you, you can take that image back to your old social group and people will start to relate to you in a new way. People do this all of the time.
The important thing is to be flexible about yourself and don't give in to the temptation to pigeon-hole yourself. You don't really know how cool or interesting or pretty you are. You have no way of knowing, so just be yourself and see what happens. If you don't like the results, change your self-image and start acting in a way that conforms to that image.
For what it's worth, I have an opposite problem when it comes to people: I like spending most of my time alone (so that I can pursue my interests, which are largely academic and creative) and I find that people want to spend time with me and I have to find nice ways to turn them down. I have one really good friend, and that's my gf. A lot of people worry about me and act like I should think there is something wrong about this but I really don't see a problem with it. Not everybody needs a lot of friends. In fact, if you need a lot of friends, you should examine your reasons.
TLDR version: don't give in to negative thinking. You have a lot of options still.
P.S. Don't hesitate to show the world that you're not fine, here. This forum is full of incorrigible do-gooders.
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