Where do I go from here?

[sourav101]

I know not everybody would be interested in this, so I'll try to make it as simple and concise as I can so that someone who's had a similar experience could somehow give me something to go on.

I
AM
A
COWARD.

From heart. Truly. I want to change that.
Only recently have I lost my illusion about me, my abilities, and the world. I think I've finally realized what my root problem is. It is that I've been cowardly from the start; my default configuration was coward, choosing the easier path. I'm 16 now, and now that I look back at my childhood, and see the wasted hours playing computer games(and recently porn), seeing braver friends become confident and better people, thinking how much time I've wasted, how many opportunities to grow into a better human being missed, just because of random cowardliness, makes me miserable.
Its not that I am less competent; just that others are braver.
Everyone I admire is courageous. Everyone I have no respect for is cowardly.

I used to think I'm better because maybe my skill level is higher in playing the guitar, or because I've read more advanced novels than others. Now I see past the illusion; I see the 'lower-ability' friends capture other's attention when they enthusiastically play the guitar, while I in my dead-beat-expecting-applause-inside-but-being-uninterested-outside way(cowardly, in short) have almost never played for other people live. Now I see how 'less-intellectual' friends than me excitedly explain and discuss the novels I dismissed as worthless, and I know I cannot do it like them.

I guess I've realized the value of being brave. Now almost every aspect of my life sickens me. I always sweet-talk with my mother and brother, talking of silly things affectionately with them. Now I realize there's nothing inside. I've never actually told my mother/brother what I really think and feel about, how she feels about her life, serious, meaningful things....now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever built a rapport with ANYBODY. EVER.
Like when I met my childhood friends after three years. They are now fun-loving enjoyable personalities, and I'm just a coward dukhi atma(sad ghost) with nothing to talk about, no enthusiasm for anything, no joy in anything.
Makes me wonder, how come I built those friends in the past if I can't connect to them now?..This is the only thing that gives me hope. I must have had SOME courage, some heart, long back which I didn't build up like I should have.

So basically, I want to become a man. I want to do many things that I don't have the discipline to do right now. To be completely honest, I'm writing this post immediately after doing a certain time-wasting activity. I want to show enthusiasm. I want to work hard, to toil. I have toiled slightly, but each time I fall back and waste a equal amount of time and the toiling goes to waste each time.
I've read a lot of PD. I've come to hate all of it. Coward people like me read it, then get worked up each time, then nothing happens, and the time could have been spent in building our courage. What can I do to build my courage? Please. My life is in standstill. My classmates have come to have absolutely no respect for me, and I can't blame them, because neither do I. I've just become so bloody dull and boring, I know I can do better, but I can't. I can't study, or work on anything, or do ANYTHING that I have to do right now.

My worst fear is I'll continue to be like this. To be exposed to the best bloody website for personal development there is, at 16, then continue to be stupid and make cowardly decisions, going through life with full knowledge that I'm wasting it. Then, at 35 or 45 or whenever, I'll be reading through the same stuff that I read at 16, then again get temporarily charged, then not-change and finally die in an illusion that I did something worthwhile, that I managed to change myself in the end, when it matters least.

[Lioness]

First of all, stop thinking of yourself as a coward. Everytime you have this thought, turn it around and tell yourself, "I'm brave. I have courage and it's increasing all the time. I'm enthusiatic and energetic. I'm outgoing..." etc. As your brain starts to believe this, your actions will follow.

I don't think I've ever built a rapport with ANYBODY. EVER.

Start with your mom. That's easy enough. Share with her some of your concerns and ask for her advice. From there, seek out the friendliest person you know, and form a deeper connection with them. The easiest way to do this is to ask questions about a subject or hobby that they are into.

I see the 'lower-ability' friends capture other's attention when they enthusiastically play the guitar, while I in my dead-beat-expecting-applause-inside-but-being-uninterested-outside way(cowardly, in short) have almost never played for other people live

Approach another guitar player. Complement them on their performances and ask if they ever get nervous/stage-fright and how they handle that. Asking for other's advice can go a long way toward building rapport. Maybe you could arrange to play together sometime, people would love that, and since you wouldn't be the sole focus, you wouldn't get as nervous.

I see how 'less-intellectual' friends than me excitedly explain and discuss the novels I dismissed as worthless, and I know I cannot do it like them.

Some people just have the gift of gab. Ask one of the gabbers if they have ever read a certain book that you already know they've read, and see if you can strike up a conversation with them about it. Ask questions. The more you practice the better you will get.

Start right away with your new attitude. The next time you have the option of sitting on the sidelines or getting in the game, challenge yourself to "follow the frightening arrow", and get in the game.

[BluBlossom]

Sourav,

It's not the end of the world, seriously. Ok, you're a coward - great! What is cowardice, truly? It's simply not listening to yourself, and not honouring yourself because you're not following what feels right. No big deal, tons of people do that. So, you're wanting to change that? Fantastic, you've noticed the discord and you are making steps towards going where you want.

I don't think there is anything wrong with where you're at, you make it sound like it's the end-point. Stop looking back at the past and what you think you did wrong, that scab-picking isn't going to help nor is feeling sorry for yourself. Accept the feelings - thank you body for telling me that I am upset. After you accept how you're feeling write down a list of what you want to achieve in the short and long-term and what you need to do in order to get there. If you have disorganisation problems or procrastination issues be sure to nip it in the bud and just get on with it - do what you can each day and slowly you'll get there. Push yourself past the discomfort and excuses that crop up when you go to do something, whatever it is.

Also, stop comparing yourself to other people or at least stop looking at them and then beat yourself up because you don't
'compare' - you're not them and they're not you. I'm sure they have other issues that you're not seeing because you only notice what is relevant to yourself - people act as mirrors in ways. They're showing you want you want to achieve, but don't be jealous about that. You can get there. I think Erin wrote an article on jealousy that was good (How to Stop Being Jealous)

so, start being truthful and don't censor yourself. Start a little bit at a time and share your thoughts, and don't be worried about being ridiculed or anything like that. I think the self-criticism and constant comparing is making you a little depressed, so you're not motivated or not finding anything fulfilling.

Nah, not cowardly in that sense. You were just gaining the tools and knowledge you need in order to move forward. Stop seeing experiences as wasted ones. Don't judge them because they're not aligning with your expectations of how you think you should be (you're projecting yourself away from the present). You're not accepting yourself as you are and that you're perfectly fine - you think you're broken or wrong in someway. well, you're not. Self-confidence will build when you start moving forward and do things, you'll pick it up through your experience. No amount of reading or praying is going to give you it instantaneously. It's like a muscle that needs to be worked at in order to grow strong.

Stop projecting into the future - how do you know how you'll be in 10 years time or 20. Focus on the things you can do right now, not tomorrow, now.

All the things you're wanting are achievable, just stop thinking about the 'I am not there yet and never will be at this rate'. Break things down into smaller more manageable goals and get on with it. so, if you want to go to the gym, push yourself to sign up tomorrow. don't think about it, DO IT. Don't let procrastination set in otherwise you'll come up with 101 excuses why you can't do it and anxiety will set in.

You'll be perfectly fine!

[sourav101]

Thanks for the reply...
There's much in what you say, blubossom.......i do want to feel fine and normal, not have that feeling of ongoing crisis in the back of my mind.......(its been almost three months now) I do want to move forward,

Yeah, I wrote alot of stuff then deleted it. Because they're all excuses. Thanks again......