dealing with envy/jealousy about beauty

[bettyboo11]

Hello everyone! I'm not reallyyy new here, but I'm posting something of an intimate nature and my other name is my alias all over the net..I'm just a little bit shy to post through that account. So I apologize for looking like a hit-and-runner..ie just breezing through to get help, and then you never hear from me again. :P That's not the case..I'm an avid reader of the Pavlina's blogs.

Anyways, I have googled this subject to no avail. I figured people here could give me some wisdom regarding it.

Lately I've been having feelings of extreme envy over something very shallow..other people's (namely girls, since I'm a 23 year old girl myself) looks. I've been having extremely low confidence lately in every area of my life, and yet somehow I find myself obsessing over such shallow things.

I read fashion magazines and look at celebrity fashion pictures all over the internet.. I look at pretty girls' pictures on their blogs or through social networking sites.. I tell myself that I am just interested in keeping up with fashion (although I dont have the confidence or MONEY to wear anything they do), but every time I look, I feel a sick jealous feeling in the pit of my stomach.. a feeling that I will never be as pretty or perfect as any of the hundreds of girls I am looking at.

I believe in the law of attraction and jealously is one of the worst feeings in the world..and I'm feeling it far too much as of late. It is so shallow and so petty..I know! But in today's culture, there is so much pressure to look like a model.. and I'm in an environment (college..sigh) where all the girls really do look like models. Heck, my own roommate is a part-time model.

I also feel like I wouldn't be so jealous if I didn't have a boyfriend. I love him and I've been with him for 5 years now, but he is much more image-conscious than me. He dresses better, takes better care of his body, and he says I'd be gorgeous (but says I look beautiful just the way I am) if I cared a bit more about how I looked.

and ALSO, I'm sorry this is so complex =X.. I think I would feel guilty if I took the plunge and became a "Hot Girl"... spent endless hours putting on makeup, straightening my hair, shopping, accessorizing, working out..although my jealousy obviously indicates that these are things I would like to do... I would feel guilty because I care deeply about social justice and things like that.

It feels like such a priviledge of the rich to spend time beautifying yourself. And how could I wear jeans that I know could feed a third world family for a year? Actually, my current comfy, albeit plain clothes could probably do the same..I live a very typical middle-class existence..but somehow being beautiful just makes it seem more disparate, between their suffering and my luxury.

I don't want to be vain..but the very act of so jealous makes me vain, I know.

Bleh..I am so tired of feeling this way..I just want to get over these feelings and move on with my personal/spiritual development. Has anyone else had these feelings.. any support or advice would be so much appreciated.

Thank you in advance!

[skydust]

you say you'd feel guilty if you were beautiful. i think thats where you need to look to find a solution. we often make limiting decisions in our lives about things, that we then forget about and they act like barriers and inhibit the natural flow of our lives.

something that has helped me in the past in a similar situation and what i would suggets you do, is to write down all your limiting decisions youve made about beauty. about feeling guilty etc. maybe you feel like you dont deserve to be beautiful, or that depriving yourself of luxury will help others gain it, write that down too and anything else that comes to your head when you think about beauty. pour your heart and soul out. when you feel like u've written it all, write some more. and again.

once youve done that, take someone you aspire to be, or someone who already has beauty, and write down the decisions they would have made, for example: i enjoy taking care of myself, eating healthy, exercising makes me feel great, etc. again write as many as you can.

then you can make a comparison of the two lists and see exactly whats going on in your head now, vs what you want to have, and where these two pictures are unharmonious. once you lay it bare, it is easier to make new decisions that take you towards your goals instead of away from them. i hope this helps. let us know how you get on.

[dor]

Originally Posted by bettyboo11

, I feel a sick jealous feeling in the pit of my stomach.. a feeling that I will never be as pretty or perfect as any of the hundreds of girls I am looking at.

Betty first thing - i have seen many of those fashion models in person and being photgenic (and more recently, photshopped) is very very different from how you look in 'real life' ever seen a photograph of someone you know and think 'that doesn't look like him'?

secondly, take a look at this :
Greg's Digital Archive
and you'll realize NO ONE looks like 'the girls in magazines'.


lastly, (and I am a healthy hetrosexual male - so this isn't oprah advice) how you carry yourself is a large part of how you look- i really mean it. I have seen 'pretty' girls who are completely unattractive, i have seen women without 'perfect features' that i can't take my eyes off of. It really is how you carry yourself - if women were to spend just a little time on grace , poise and confidence, rather than wearing what' trendy but looks silly on them and plastic surgery and worrying about this or that part of their body they'd do a lot better

[Dharma]

Dear Hottie,

First off:

I'm just a little bit shy to post through that account. So I apologize for looking like a hit-and-runner..ie just breezing through to get help, and then you never hear from me again. :P

OMG how could you! I feel so used!

I am a student of a manifestation school and one of the things we do is pick out denial. So this may seem harsh at first (my God, I knew it ... I'm full of flaws!). Read this in my blog to get the perspective I'm coming from. You create all you experience. Period.

Denial is not a bad thing, it just is what we create. Simply, denial is creating something and pretending you did not, either by saying I didn't create this or by saying something isn't there that should be there.

As I read your post I kept a running list of denials present. Here's the list:

• judging self as shallow
• shallow is wrong
• jealously is wrong
• victimized by others looks
• victimized by the pressure of society
• I'm in lack (not as pretty as them)
• abundance is wrong (expensive clothes, shoes, etc., hey! others are in lack!)
• separation - everyone is not me
• social justice??? (wow)
• being vain is wrong
• pretty/hot is not spiritual (polarity)

Are you an over-achiever? No, I can make a list this long on myself if I spend the time. This list is for everyone reading, including myself. Anyhoo...

The above are some of your beliefs about reality. You have a lot of beliefs that don't support your well being. You are playing with a lot of polarity: everywhere you make something right/wrong or make a comparison between two things (pretty / spiritual). And, separation - all those pretty girls out there are not me. And, victimization - because if the others, society, and BF wasn't there you wouldn't feel how you feel. But you are the one creating those feelings, not them.

Hmmmmm where to start?.....
If you want to play along with me, start by acknowledging, everyday, several times a day, that you create all your experiences. Slowly bring in the ownership of the feelings you have, you create them all.
Recognize you create the reasoning you use to be the way you are (not a hot girl. pfft, yeah right). And recognize you see the reasoning AS TRUE, FACTUAL!, THIS IS HOW IT IS!!!! That's a bunch of bull. You create it, you can change it.

Journal your stories. What's a story? It's the answer to the question "why" or follows the word "because".

Why do I feel this way? Because in today's culture, there is so much pressure to look like a model...

That is the beginning of a story. It's not true. What is true is you choose to dress the way you dress, you choose to feel there's something wrong with that, you choose to feel victimized because inside you really want to be the hot girl but there's 10 other reasons why it's bad to dress the part.

It's just a choice, it's just an experience, there's nothing wrong with it but you want to add your righteousness into the experience and then complain that it's there without acknowledging you put it there.
(I did say I'm good at this denial stuff. )

Start saying "this is me".
Every time you look at your roommate, some hottie from school, or a magazine say "this is me". There is no 'others' out there. It's all reflections of you. This will work on your feelings of lack. You won't make such a division between what you see and yourself. (remember you create the magazines too )

zomg - the stuff keeps coming out... can't keep the post short... I'm trying...

reality check
This is a very powerful tool. Ask the men you know (not your BF) if they think a super skinny perfect model is their type of woman. Or just people watch with them and ask them who they think is hot. I bet you'd be surprised who gets on the hot list and who doesn't.

What is also evident is you want to be the hot girl. You want to have that experience and you throw a ton of judgment on it. I can feeeel the pressurization inside. Go for it! Buy the clothes, start working out, wearing makeup, do something that moves you in that direction and see how you feel. You will probably feel some guilt but at the same time you will also feel some space open up inside for reception of you.

Yeah and we want before and after pictures.
Good luck.

[bettyboo11]

Thank you to the three posters for taking the time to reply..I knew this was the right place to come =)

All were helpful but thanks so much Dharma for the monster post! Loved it! I know there is a ton of denial/conflicting feelings in myself..thanks for giving name to most of them.. the sad thing is, I could list 10 or 20 more denials I have, just about looks..lol.

I find that coming here is like speaking to my higher self (as Erin would call it)..things I know innately but I need to hear out loud.

Well I'm going to get started on your wonderful suggestions.. I will definitely let you know how it goes.

Another thing that helped me was something I read last night from Tolle's "Power of Now".. the part where it says that you are not your thoughts..and to "watch the thinker" so in my my case that meant paying attention to the voice in my head telling me that I'm not pretty enough, etc.. and realizing that my ego is not who I am.

Alright, and one more question.. this is a message board full of people who are spiritually inclined.. you don't find an inner conflict between material success (in this case, looking damn hot and taking the time to be) and spiritual peace? I didn't phrase that so well but hopefully you get the point..and if you did find this conflict, how did you work through it?

[Dharma]

The conflict is a play of the mind. It is taking two things, looking hot and everything that goes with it, and spirituality, and putting them in polarity. This is not the polarity that Steve talks about on this forum. This is the old-school definition. You make them opposites.

But they're not opposites. They are individual, mutually exclusive choices.

From the blog link above:

Every choice is a unique act of creation. They are mutually exclusive and do not interfere with each other. One choice cannot cancel another one out. Creations that are seemingly opposite, can exist side by side.

All you've done is linked two choices. The choice to look hot and the choice to be spiritual. When you think they are opposed to each other you actually add a third choice - a choice to experience polarity (which is a form of denial).

To un-link them you have to catch yourself doing the polarity and separate out the pieces. "Oh, I've got my choice to experience looking hot and my choice to be spiritual and I'm making them opposite, but they're not."
Start there, get you mind used to seeing it. (and don't make yourself wrong, that adds more denial, make it playful) The mind needs to understand they are separate manifestations. There's more to be learned about self by pulling up the curtain on polarity, but that's for a later time.

As long as looking damn hot and taking the time to be is what you want to do, there is no conflict. If you feel you have to do it because everyone else is, you'll have a conflict. But it sounds like you want to do it. You may only want to do it for a few months and then do something different with your look.

Your spiritual progress will move as you want it too, unless you link it to other choices. Then those choices could hold you back or add delay.

Did I explain that ok?

[starlet]

I am now a 24 year old woman, petite with auburn hair, hazel eyes and a total tomboy. I used to care so much about looks. The only thing I had going for me was that I was naturally thin. I did make-up, hairstyles, all the fashions, wonderbra, but it did not make me happy, I still saw that ugly girl in the mirror. I was sick of it, so one morning I looked in the mirror and said to myself "You are smokin' hot!" I giggled, and complemented myself again and again.

I started wearing clothes I liked - wild Hawaiian shirts and bright shoes, stopped wearing make-up and let my hair fly wild and free. I felt so much more confident, and I soon realized that I did find myself gorgeous, I was not just giving the mirror lip service, I actually believed. I found what made me happy was coloring way way WAY outside the lines, buying the box of 72 Crayola crayons and using every single one.

Do what makes you happy. If wearing Armani jeans makes you happy, then do it! But if you are wearing Armani jeans because what's her name favor of the week actress does, you are not making yourself happy. I find my joy shopping thrift stores, where I do own two pairs of Armani jeans that I got for dollars each, which bring be joy because I got them cheap, I helped a cherity while doing it, and no one knows they were thrift store so now I am making them all jealous with my designer jeans

"he says I'd be gorgeous (but says I look beautiful just the way I am) if I cared a bit more about how I looked." Hmm...this statement worries me. I don't know you or him or your relationship, but this seems to translate to "look how I want you to look and then you'll be gorgeous." No! Find the look that makes YOU look at yoruself and makes YOU think you are gorgeous. It may be a five year relationship but you are the one who has to live with you 24/7.

I live by the philosophy "You cannot please everyone, so just worry about pleasing yourself." By doing that I have made the most wonderful friends, have these stunning and intelligent guys fight over talking to me at bars while the ***on, drop dead blondes in the miniskirts and low-cut blouses glare with jealousy and find every day of life a dream.

[bettyboo11]

Thanks Dharma, it makes perfect sense.

After posting here and mulling it over today, I realized how silly it is to be worrying about this stuff. (Oops, value judgments are bad... ahh! Nothing is bad or good! I can't stop!)

I just mean, I feel much more at peace with the whole subject now.

Starlet, thanks so much for your personal story.. so nice to hear from a girl who's been there and done that.

I think the best shopping advice I ever heard was "If it makes you smile, it's your style" I'm glad to hear that you have embraced your personal style, hawaiian shirts and all. I'm sure you are gorgeous, inside and out.

I know my boyfriend would prefer it if my style matched his perception of a stylish girl, and this had made me feel self-conscious. I guess it's something to work out with him, eh? Maybe I should post something in the relationship section of this forum :P

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by bettyboo11

I know my boyfriend would prefer it if my style matched his perception of a stylish girl, and this had made me feel self-conscious. I guess it's something to work out with him, eh? Maybe I should post something in the relationship section of this forum :P

While were at it lets work this one too.

I my blog link above under "Reflection" is says this:
The manifested world in front of us is a reflection of us. People, places, and events in our awareness are our reflections.

Reflection is a tool of transformation. Your BF is reflecting parts of you that are rolling around in your unconscious. Actually the whole world is reflecting you. Think of it as a big mirror.

You can't go after the BF and make him change to suit you because that would be like looking in the mirror with a frown and drawing a smile on the mirror with lipstick and saying "look I'm happy now".

Reflection with text is quite easy... take all the proper nouns and make them you:

he says I'd be gorgeous (but says I look beautiful just the way I am) if I cared a bit more about how I looked.

I'm telling me I'd be gorgeous (but I say I look beautiful just the way I am) if I cared a bit more about how I looked.

See? It's you talking about you. What are you saying to yourself here?
(1) I have reception for my looks, I'm quite beautiful right now
(2) If I focused on me a little more I'd find out how gorgeous I really am

and #2 might be a physical thing paired with a spiritual/emotional/mental thing. Or it might be an inner knowing of your beauty. It might be an expansion of self that will come after giving attention to the denial listed up a few posts.

[llong]

I guess I've always found that the sexiest/most attractive women are those who try to become the sexiest/most attractive "them" they can be.

[bettyboo11]

Just a quick follow-up, kind of a happy ending at least for now.

Thanks to everyone for their help, especially Dharma for your long replies!

Today was a beautiful day in Boston, where I live. Really beautiful, first day of spring beautiful (although we keep having those and then it snows again and gets freezing!) and my mood was so good that I wore a white, spring-y skirt and a cute outfit when I went out to lunch with my boyfriend.

I am pretty sure it wasn't the outfit but my incredible mood.. I just felt carefree and glowing, that was the reason for this..but I think I broke a record for the number of guys I caught checking me out..lol. Not to be obnoxious.. I mean I've felt completely invisible and hardly ever notice guys looking at me for the past few months due to my self-esteem..but today was quite a phenomenon. Even my boyfriend asked wtf was going on.

Anyways, I hope I can keep this self-confidence.. it seems so much easier in gorgeous weather!

Thanks to everyone who replied..you guys are so kind.

Much Love,
"Betty Boo"

[Dharma]

Yes! Congratulations! Way to go BettyBoo!

Anyways, I hope I can keep this self-confidence.. it seems so much easier in gorgeous weather!

The gorgeous weather is you too. If you ever need inspiration, you're surrounded by it.

Thanks for following up!

[Grazioso07]

Hi Betty,

I actually joined this forum simply to reply to your message - mainly to get some advice from you! I know that may sound silly, but here is the situation... I just googled this phrase: "Dealing with jealousy from others."

You see, ummm, I am one of those girls, I guess?? I mean, I don't wear the trendy clothes and obsess about the hottest makeup. I go for a more timeless look - on the inside and the outside. I don't know if that makes any sense, but... well...

I mean, I have been asked if I was a model before. I have people telling me how beautiful I am all the time, and I appreciate it. It is very kind of them to compliment me like that. But the saddest thing is when I walk down the sidewalk only to see numerous girls at different times look me up and down and snarl. It hurts.

Once a girl actually told me that she was "surprised that I was so nice and would be her friend because I was so pretty." It broke my heart, and I can't tell you how many times I have been told that. Even my fiance told me when we started dating that he didn't think I would go for him at first because I was "too beautiful."

It hurt so much, and to be honest, I even started to sabatoge myself. I stopped exercising, stopped eating healthy, and I just wore sweatshirts all the time. Was I happy? NO! I wasn't taking care of myself or respecting my body. I gained a lot of weight, and I wasn't nearly as healthy. But, people still told me how beautiful I was. I gained like 40 lbs, and I was STILL getting the SAME comments!

Well, I lost the weight because my wedding is coming up, and I was starting to realize that I had to respect my body no matter what people did or said about me.

I am just having a hard time dealing with it because its like... why would God give me something that most people would look at as a gift, only to have so many other people feel inadequate or jealous because of it? It makes me feel like what should be a good thing has turned rotten.

And, please don't misunderstand me. I am not trying to brag and say that I am "so" beautiful. I just don't really know how to handle it... I shouldn't have to hide my gifts. I shouldn't have to disrespect myself. I shouldn't have to feel bad about this. At the same time, I don't want to feel like I am inflicting pain on other girls - girls who are so beautiful on the inside AND on the outside. Girls who I sometimes think are just afraid of loving themselves.

So, what would you tell one of those girls on campus if they were struggling with this?

Thank you for your help, and I hope that in answering my question, you will find some answers to your own.

[madgeylou]

bettyboo, i just wanted to say i'm glad you had a good day.

i'm a big girl (5'10", 200 lbs, curvy as hell) and for the longest time i didnt pay attention to fashion or how i looked or anything because first off, i thought it was shallow, and secondly, i thought i was too smart and fat to be pretty.

i had this dualism set up in my head -- smart or pretty? which one do you want to be? i knew i was never going to look like a girl in a magazine, which KILLED me on some level, because that's the only "pretty" i knew how to identify, so i went for smart instead. i would read fashion magazines and just hate my fat stomach and feel so despondent, it's no wonder i wore shapeless black clothes all the time.

but as time went on, i met some dear friends who helped me embrace my inner girliness. i mean, it wasnt even that hard, because just barely under the surface was someone who loves to wear interesting clothes, play with makeup, rock the best shoes, etc. i just needed the eensiest bit of encouragement.

sounds like maybe you are in the same boat?

i am here to encourage you! put down the "cosmo" and pick up your makeup brushes and try something crazy and new with your eyes. open the closet and put together an outfit you've never put together before. do you have any shoes you bought because they are beautiful, but never wore? wear them! it's not about money -- it's about having fun with your personal style.

something else that really impacted me was simply looking at other people and seeing the beauty in them. public transportation is great for this. i see grandmas, little girls, fashionistas, middle-aged moms, young hipsters -- such a HUGE variety of people who all look beautiful, without looking like they stepped from the pages of a magazine.

there's lots and lots of different kinds of beauty, and exploring them is fun! go play!

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

something else that really impacted me was simply looking at other people and seeing the beauty in them. public transportation is great for this. i see grandmas, little girls, fashionistas, middle-aged moms, young hipsters -- such a HUGE variety of people who all look beautiful, without looking like they stepped from the pages of a magazine.

Yes! I second this. I do this a lot actually, which is why I love New York City. So many ways to be lovely.

Also, this may sound maudlin or insincere, but I think all women are beautiful in some way. It's about grace and inner light.

[Grazioso07]

Madgeylou and Velvet,

It is so great to read posts from women who can see inner beauty and who also aren't afraid to be who they are! Your posts really helped me out because I think what I just needed to hear is that we need to be the most REAL, beautiful women we can be - inside and out! We need to be who we are... and I can't sabatoge myself anymore because of the perceptions of others.

There is so much inner beauty in the world! Pregnant women, curvy women, blond, brunette, red-headed, black, white, Asian... Then there are all of the styles that we can take on to express ourselves! Trendy, classic, bohemian, emo, gothic, preppy, punk.... and even the ones that we can't classify! LoL!

Then there is the inner beauty - the light that shines from within and shows the world a kind and loving heart!

We need to celebrate our beauty... whatever that might mean to you - sweatpants or miniskirts, dreadlocks or highlights.

Bettyboo, just be who YOU are. Don't wish to be anyone else. Celebrate your uniqueness, and don't be afraid to show people your true colors. You may find that you want to dress trendy and wear makeup, or you may find that you are happier just the way you are right now. Whatever you do, do it 100% and don't look back.

No regrets.

[bettyboo11]

wow, i thought this post was resolved and no one else would comment on it.. I'm so glad the rest of you added your thoughts!

I can't write too much right now (stayed up all night and going out to brunch early tomorrow!) but I will respond later.. especially to Grazio..how strange to hear from someone on the other side of the issue!

sorry it took so long for me to check back!

[YouseffTheSheep]

Pretty much they key to feeling good can only come from looking within yourself, not outside of yourself.

You are focusing on all of the negative feelings that you are having because all of these other people look like models, and noticing that it gives you a negative emotion, and dwelling on how you "shouldn't have that negative emotion". Which, in the end, creates a terrible feedback loop in which it'll take some time to get out of (Without good assistance). Acknowledge your feelings, but never ever tell yourself how you should or shouldn't be feeling, it's counter productive.

Instead, create for yourself a goal based upon what you think would make YOU feel good (Without the help of magazines, or basing it on other people), if you think nicer clothes would help, or you think that putting on some make-up or whatever will help... Hell, put a little on and see if it does.

P.S. I'd check to see if your boyfriend is secretly gay.

[Lychee]

We did not choose to carry the body that we currently have. It was given to us. Our bodies are a gift and we are personally not responsible for it.

Realize that this society has over-emphasized external beauty. External beauty is popular in society because of the money that it makes. Society and the media has emphasized superficial beauty to the extent where pre-teens are starving themselves and wearing provocative clothing. This is obviously not healthy or normal emotionally or psychologically. If society is having this sort of effect on children, what sort of effect is it having on adults?

It is good to take care of yourself. Don't walk around disheveled and unkempt. But wearing tons of makeup, wearing clothing which you don't feel comfortable in and shows a lot of skin, is not necessarily beauty. What is real beauty does not fade with time. Our faces and bodies, if we live long enough, will become wrinkly and old. That is still beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

How can you not be beautiful? God is perfect and you are a perfect creation of God.