Wearing a mask

[shasah]

So, after 2 years of self development, I am back to wearing a mask again. At home, I can be me, but at work, utilizing all the things that I consider to be improvements has gotten me into nothing but trouble. I have been told that I lost my edge, that I'm not aggressive enough, that I'm too open with my life, that I'm not as savvy as they thought that I was, etc. etc. The insults came fast, hard and furious from last Friday until yesterday. Don't take them personally, it's business, I'm told. Having been the golden child through my entire life until just recently, it is difficult to heed this advise. Trying to channel my anger and bitterness about it into something constructive. Trying to learn from it, but I am having a difficult time assimilating to the fact that being a nice, good, honest and hard working individual isn't enough. So the mask is back and I'm back to being good, honest, and hard working but apparently nice is not in my future working relationships. I've tried to give people the benefit of doubt, but all that's happened is that most people take advantage of it. Rant done for now. May have more to rant about later.

[scotthegeek]

I usually keep things to myself so I'm wearing a mask and when people try to get me to open up by saying they want to be there for me. but when a take the mask off and try to trust people, I scare them away.

They will come back with I will talk to you when your thinking straight again but its not like I was thinking straight before but I was only hiding, wearing a mask.

I was reading one self help book and I talked about being positive and surround yourself with positive people but then a few paragraphs later it talk about be authentic and repressing feeling when they come up its not healthy to keep things inside.

I think I need to go to the gym I'm getting too much into my head right now

Scott

[Angela]

Originally Posted by shasah

I have been told that I lost my edge, that I'm not aggressive enough, that I'm too open with my life, that I'm not as savvy as they thought that I was, etc. etc. The insults came fast, hard and furious from last Friday until yesterday.

You sure those are insults? They sound like points of view, to me.

[ssandra]

I don't think I'd like to work in a place where being open, honest and hard working are not considered GOOD qualities...

Maybe you can ask them what exactly they would like to see you do different? Sometimes people get scared if they see people they know change all of the sudden. It makes them see all the imperfection in their lives.

[scotthegeek]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Sometimes people get scared if they see people they know change all of the sudden. It makes them see all the imperfection in their lives.

That part of what I was trying to say but you said it so much better

[shasah]

I did ask and they basically want back the old ruthless, uncaring ***** that I once was. They got it in spades this week but I don't like it. Can it be more effective? Yes. Does it make me a happier person? NO. Does it make me a more adjusted person? Definitely not. They want me back as pre-divorce, pre-self-improvement, pre-positive person. So, in order to preserve my job, I gave them what they wanted. It didn't take long for conversations to stop when I walked past. It sucks totally!!

[Angela]

Preserving your job is more important than preserving your well-being?

Maybe you believe you need the money your job provides in order to preserve your well-being? If so, I think that belief bears some examining for truth.

[elucidate]

I'd be looking for a workplace where the new you is respected and appreciated rather than surround myself with people like the ones you are currently around...but that's me, and I am lucky to work with three women who value the caring, open, honest me.

[shasah]

I am working on the next step, it just isn't ready yet. So I will play the game until the point that my plans are in place. Already moved the timeline up. Can I hang onto the real me while doing what has to be done to keep my job? Good question. I sincerely hope so.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by shasah

I am working on the next step, it just isn't ready yet. So I will play the game until the point that my plans are in place. Already moved the timeline up. Can I hang onto the real me while doing what has to be done to keep my job? Good question. I sincerely hope so.

If you can hang on it might be that they learn to adapt to the new you...though it could take time. It sounds like they are all reacting quite normally in that people don't like change, their minds can't handle a new rythmn, and will let you know that they aren't happy about it...but eventually they will have to get used to it and adapt like with everything.

[shasah]

I've been thinking about this quite a bit and I figured out a few things:

1. My dedication was brought into question - well, really, since I am making other plans for bigger and better things with people that think like me, I guess they are right to question it. I am at cause for bringing this one about. I went from working 60 hours or so a week to working maybe 43 or 44.

2. My job bores me. I've been working at the same company for 17 years. I've advanced through the ranks, but I am as high as I can go. There is no anticipation of new things there.

3. I was told that I was resistant to change - this one is laughable. The problem is more that I have changed a great deal and the people I work with are at a stand still.

4. I work with mostly men. Back in the old days, they thought of me as one of the guys. Since I have purposely worked on my self-esteem and my view of my sexuality, I have run into problems. So, does that mean that these men are uncomfortable with working with me? I move differently, I talk differently, I feel differently. So maybe they have a hard time equating a woman who is aware of herself and her effect on others with a business woman with a brain?

Still contemplating various actions and reactions along with what I can and can't do for the sake of a job.

[PraetorianX]

In the early part of my life, I wore a perverbial mask for others so that I could be who they wanted me to be. In that, I lost myself along the way. I hid who I was on the inside. Also in that, I lost a part of myself that I feel like I will never get back.

Since then, I have found a good part of who I am, but at times, I feel the mask getting closer back to me, if that makes sense. I find my workplace makes me loose myself more each day as I get angry at the things that I see go on and how I get treated. All I have to say is being a manager is not all it's cracked up to be.

Even in my marriage, I put on this little happy face since I am supposed to be the one that holds everything together. She seems more fragile and angry every day with the external things she deals with on a day to day basis while I have to be the glue. But the mask has cracks in it and I start to show through. I don't want to show through, I like to be hidden sometimes. I feel like I am very complicated. Maybe someone understands? Who knows.

[shasah]

Originally Posted by PraetorianX

In the early part of my life, I wore a perverbial mask for others so that I could be who they wanted me to be. In that, I lost myself along the way. I hid who I was on the inside. Also in that, I lost a part of myself that I feel like I will never get back.

Since then, I have found a good part of who I am, but at times, I feel the mask getting closer back to me, if that makes sense. I find my workplace makes me loose myself more each day as I get angry at the things that I see go on and how I get treated. All I have to say is being a manager is not all it's cracked up to be.

Even in my marriage, I put on this little happy face since I am supposed to be the one that holds everything together. She seems more fragile and angry every day with the external things she deals with on a day to day basis while I have to be the glue. But the mask has cracks in it and I start to show through. I don't want to show through, I like to be hidden sometimes. I feel like I am very complicated. Maybe someone understands? Who knows.

I lived what you're describing for twenty years. So don't feel alone. Since January 2009, I've worked to rid myself of the mask and it looks like I was too successful. Putting it back on feels oppressive.

I also understand that being a manager is not all it's cracked up to be LOL. To say the least. As for liking to be hidden, I used to tell myself that, but it was very freeing to remove the mask. Doesn't make me less complicated, after all, no one can see my thoughts.

I was lucky enough to find a man that I can be myself and we can rationally discuss if something is bothering either one of us. Even though he knows me better than any other person ever has, even he can't know everything going on inside my head. Just being able to be myself, with all that entails, is freeing.

Now if I can just wear the mask at work for the time I need and remove the mask when I get back home, I should be okay. It's kind of ironic that I was finally able to merge my various "personalities" and now I have to purposely separate them again

[Hemlock]

Some traits don't work in some environments, even good ones. I like to be happy, care free and kiddish, but... I teach kids, you have to crack down sometimes or it doesn't work. I guess the trick is to find where your traits are good for a situation, and where they're not. I slip the mask on and off, strict teacher on and off like a light switch when it's appropriate. That's how I work with all of my relationships really, skipping, climbing things, care free jokes and easy camaraderie, but a serious don't tread on me attitude towards anyone who seems to be doing something that could cause harm. You can be a ball busting nice guy/girl when you need to be and it's easier overall to deal with wearing a mask when you know you'll be able to take it off soon and be your natural friendly self.

Not really sure what you do as work, but if you have anyone working under you it has been shown (so I've read in forgotten articles) that kindness and encouragement from your boss can do a lot for productivity, so I can't really think of any business environment where some of the nice new you wouldn't be absolutely perfect for making you better at what you do.

But, not much experience in the harder business worlds, just research jobs and teaching jobs and life to relate with. Still hope it helps some.