Need help understanding my anger towards my friends

[Littlewu]

Hi,

I have always had a strained relationship with my family. They moved abroad when I was seventeen and I was kind of forced to grow up faster than I would have liked to. To me my friends became my family, I turned to them when bad things happened and for most parts they were there for me. Recently my grandmother who I haven't spoken to for years decided to come for a visit. Unfortunantly she became very ill and the doctors were sure she was going to die. She pulled through, and as I am trying to let her back into my life again I also feel so extremely sad and lonely. I have so much anger towards her, but at the same time I want to forgive her for all the things she did and said.

I was hoping my friends would show more concern for me, because they know of my bad family history. Some of them just stopped calling. I feel like I'm not asking for much, just for them to show that they care and that they are thinking of me. Everyone just seems so busy and I'm so mad at them for not even taking the time to send me a text asking me how I feel. The other day I found out that two of my girlfriends went to have dinner without even asking me if I wanted to come. Normally I wouldn't be angry cause of this, but I feel like I am in a very vulnurable state and it doesn't take much before I break down and cry. I feel excluded and just drained of everything that is going on in my life and at the same time I just want to be thought of.

Bottom line is, I don't want to be angry with my friends. Everyday I feel like I am isolating myself because I feel like they don't care anymore. How can I change my thoughts? Because I know that I can't talk to them about how I really feel.

[BitterFlower]

I too find myself isolated, especially since my dad's death 3 years ago. I found out what helps is to get out there and be proactive about getting together with your friends. People go along with life's ebbs and flows, so if you were away from the scene because you were caring for your grandmother, they might have naturally (but not malicious) not included you in some activities simply because you weren't there before. It's almost like a habit.

I'll give you an example. I have a good friend from high school. I genuinely know she cares for me. However, since high school so many things have happened--we went to colleges 1000 miles away from each other, we stayed in our respective college towns for awhile. I finally moved back home after my dad died and she was already here after finishing grad school.

It's been so hard to even do lunch together, especially since I'm married with a child now and she's single without kids. But I don't take it personally on my end because I know it's just how life is. I would have to actively interject her in my life (like with a weekly lunch or something) in order for our relationship to get back rolling again.

Also, regarding your friends' reaction to your grandmother's illness--it's quite normal. I don't know what to say when other people's family is seriously ill or dead. When my dad died, I only had two people I could really talk to about it. Knowing your past, your friends might not know how to react--should they show sympathy because it's your grandmother or be apathetic because she treated you bad? If you gave no indication, they might not know how to react as to not offend you.

Finally, my favorite quote that I created my teenage years is that "the phone goes both ways". I truly feel that one should not get mad if they did not at least try to give the other person a call. That's why I'm never personally mad if my friends don't speak to me because I could give them a call myself. I actually have older family members mad at me because I don't call often--it's not that I don't care, I really don't talk on the phone anymore, If they really wanted to talk, they can call me to reach me.

So, in short, your friends may feel awkward, so give them a call and get back into the fold again. Don't take it personally, they still love you.