When and how to introduce the topic of death to a child

[nxomsa]

My husband was teaching our 4 yr old son how to ride his bike and he said "*my* dad took off my training wheels and that's how I learned". Anyway, this really made an impression on my son, as we never talked about his grandfather before. He started asking all these questions about my husbands dad. Where is he, where does he live, what town? Why is he not here?

My husband tried to answer with: "He's somewhere far away", and he sort of elaborated on this theme, trying to answer the questions.

I felt a huge pang of emotion as both our dad's have died, and we've never talked about this to our son. We don't talk about our dad's much at all in general.

Does anyone have any experience with this topic? I don't know how to talk about death to a child. My son tells me that the dinosaurs died ( he's big into dinosaurs). Then he asks why they died? I usually say something like, they left the earth and found a new home, but it's all vague and probably makes no sense to a kid, but vague enough that they don't dwell on it or get freaked out.

We saw a dead bird today and I picked it up and moved it under a tree, and I noticed my son was afraid of it.

As a child, I was afraid my parents were going to die one day and I would get really freaked out, so I want to be really careful about how I eventually introduce the subject.

Any advice?

[pinky3]

Hi there

I don't have children of my own but have worked with a lot of children over the past few years. In my experience the best thing in many situations is to just be honest. Children crave honesty and truth. Everyone's going to die but it doesn't have to be a bad thing? What are your feelings about death? Maybe being clear about your own feelings could help you explain it all to him?

I know when I was younger my mom would tell me "white lies" to protect me. I think it would've just been easier if she'd just told me the truth. I think parents think too much about the best things to say, when in actual; fact, in my opinion, there "job" is just to help there child to live in the world. How can children figure out the best way to live in the world if they don't know the truth?

It is a tricky one though. Like when it comes to talking about sex with kids people always say tell them when they're young. I think that kind of scares them a little and confuses them. Sorry to go off topic, but I was just thinking out loud.

I would say the best way to know what to talk about is to let your child "control" the conversation. So don't tell him things he doesn't want to know. Just answer his questions truthfully??

Hope that helps.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by nxomsa

Any advice?

I used to read a lot to my kids

and I have come across a few good children's books

that teach children something

about death.

If you look carefully through many children's books

you'll probably find a few suitable books too.

I remember, for instance, one book about a child relating her fond memories of her deceased grandfather.

And another one, about an old elephant and a little mouse, who are each other's only friends in the world, and the old elephant is growing older and older, and finally the little mouse understands that it's time to let go ....

[supertom]

Start be asking what he believes, its probably better to ask when he is more relaxed and his imagination is flowing. His answer will be something that is emotionally empowering to him. The most honest answer you can give is "I don't know, we don't know".

[AaronB]

If the topic of death still makes you nervous, there's little chance you can hide that from a 4 year old. He'll very quickly understand there's an underlying tension going on. I think a good approach is to treat the topic like one you yourself don't understand. Any topic that has some sense of discomfort to it is one that is not fully understood yet. In this case the 4 year old might be the one more in a position to help you to see death in a less frightening way if you ask him about it. A parent that doesn't need to have all the answers for a child and allows the child to explore these unanswered questions with them opens the child to a wondrous world where their unbridled imagination can be enjoyed and developed in ways that will benefit the child for his whole life.

[Acting Like Godot]

Also, when I was a kid, I had plenty of pets.

That's one way to learn about death. Because pets die.

(Still, I remain traumatised by my grandmother cooking my pet duck for lunch).

That was harsh.

[supertom]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Also, when I was a kid, I had plenty of pets.

That's one way to learn about death. Because pets die.

(Still, I remain traumatised by my grandmother cooking my pet duck for lunch).

That was harsh.

ouch

was that a major contributing factor towards you going vege(I think your vege)

[Federer]

You should avoid it now. Tell him that someday he will come and will meet you. If you open this thing right now, he might become very sad, get hurt or may become very afraid of death thing. Even i avoided this subject when i was child. He is still child, when he becomes tolerate such emotions then he will automatically understand what is death?

Don't worry about it much otherwise he will feel you are keeping him in dark room.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by supertom

ouch

Grandma's reasoning -

"The duck is already fully grown. If we don't eat it now, when it grows older, its meat will become tough. Won't be tasty any more."

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Grandma's reasoning -

"The duck is already fully grown. If we don't eat it now, when it grows older, its meat will become tough. Won't be tasty any more."

I had three pet roosters that my grandmother killed and ate. Oh, well. Circle of life.

OP - There's a great book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross called "On Children and Death."

I read it while I was a hospice volunteer after my Dad died. My nieces and nephews all got to see my Dad's body after he died. It's a normal, natural part of life - and if you feel at all freaked about it, so will your kid, because they look to you to gauge how they should react.

My 2 year old helped me bury my dog under a magnolia tree yesterday. He even went and got some weeds [flowers] to sprinkle over her body before we buried her. I felt it was important for him to see and understand that it's normal and natural. That way he won't wander around looking for Dingo all the time.

[nxomsa]

Thanks all for your responses and advice. Lakshy, your story is moving. How did you son feel about the death and burial?

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

He's a generally cheery little guy. He wasn't perturbed, but we've talked about death already. My dad died 4 years ago this month, and since he was such a big figure in our lives we still talk about him pretty much all the time. I think he already had an idea that people move on so it wasn't so hard to accept it.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by nxomsa

My husband was teaching our 4 yr old son how to ride his bike and he said "*my* dad took off my training wheels and that's how I learned". Anyway, this really made an impression on my son, as we never talked about his grandfather before. He started asking all these questions about my husbands dad. Where is he, where does he live, what town? Why is he not here?

My husband tried to answer with: "He's somewhere far away", and he sort of elaborated on this theme, trying to answer the questions.

I felt a huge pang of emotion as both our dad's have died, and we've never talked about this to our son. We don't talk about our dad's much at all in general.

Does anyone have any experience with this topic? I don't know how to talk about death to a child. My son tells me that the dinosaurs died ( he's big into dinosaurs). Then he asks why they died? I usually say something like, they left the earth and found a new home, but it's all vague and probably makes no sense to a kid, but vague enough that they don't dwell on it or get freaked out.

We saw a dead bird today and I picked it up and moved it under a tree, and I noticed my son was afraid of it.

As a child, I was afraid my parents were going to die one day and I would get really freaked out, so I want to be really careful about how I eventually introduce the subject.

Any advice?

I can't remember actually "teaching" my kids about death, I think it was simply a natural thing they learned, from having pets die, or seeing dead bugs or whatever else!

They soon get an idea of what death means (although the real implications they probably don't understand until they're older).

I actually have a memory from when I was 4 - my grandpa showed me a dead bird (it had flown into a window and died), it didn't look hurt at all! For some reason, I decided to play with it, and give it a bath and stuff, and when my mum found me playing with this dead bird she was horrified! (TBH I'm not sure why they didn't dispose of it after showing it to me?? I was allowed to play outside on my own and it seemed like a nice sort of toy I think!). I don't have any great detail about the memory, but I do remember giving the birdie a bath and wondering why it wasn't okay to play with it!

[nxomsa]

Perhaps I'm the one who is not comfortable with death. If i was, I'd just say "he died". I don't believe in heaven, so I can't say he's happy now or that we'll see him again. He did suffer, both our dad's did, which is what makes it hard. They died young. I don't know what i believe. I believe in life. Death is an end for me, as i have not reason to believe that anything happens after that point. I do believe we are spirits though, and I suppose *we spirits* have to go somewhere after our bodies die.

[nxomsa]

Votoshka, it's funny how different of a reaction my son had to you (regarding the bird) when you were his age. goes to show how different we all are at any age. Maybe I give off a wierd vibe regarding dead things, and maybe that rubbed off on my son, although I'm pretty sure if my other son saw it he'd play with it like you did!