Did I go to deep??

[Wade]

First I want to say thanks to all off you. I have been reading a lot of posts in the last week to help me with some PD. It's like drinking from a fire hydrant, the amount of information here is stagering.

I did an exercise that I learnt on here in regards to beliefs and drilling down to the root cause. I wrote it out on a scrap piece of paper, and now I'm going to transfer it here.

I guess my main question is:
Is it possible that such a childish reaction can be something a way deeper?

Ok here it goes.

Why do I get angry when my wife asks me to give benny (dog) his allergy pill?
-I feel that she is capable of doing it herself....why?
-Because i know she can do it herself....why?
-I have seen her do it a lot....why?
-cause she does it all the time....why?
-cause she does'nt usually ask me to do it....why?
-cause she knows i will get angry....why?
-cause I don't ask her to do things....why?
(I don't ask you, so why do you ask me?)
-so she does'nt ask me to do things....why?
-cause I don't want to do them....why?
-cause I don't like being told what to do....why?
-cause I like to be in control....why?
-cause I'm afraid of being out of control...why?
At this point I had a feeling of..."could it be that?"
-If I don't control the situation in this manner, I don't have the power to say "NO"....why?
-cause I was sexualy abused as a child....why?
-because I did'nt say "NO"....why?
-cause I looked up to this person....why?

At this point I think I'm done with the why?

Couple things:
As a child I had the power to say "NO"...I wasn't held down or anything. To this day I still don't really know why I did'nt say "NO"...other than I looked upto this person.
It's weird...for a lot of years as I grew up either I forgot about it or I put it in such a deep place that I did'nt think about it. And when it did surface I brushed it off as "not that big of deal"....and I still feel that it's "not that big of deal"
My wife knows that something happened to me as a child, just not by who. Nobody else knows.

Now some questions:

Do you think that is the "Root" or am I grassping at that to be the "Root"?

Is it OK to think "it's not that big of deal"?

What other things could this be the "Root" of?

If you feel this is not the root please don't hestitate to tell me, I myself have a hard time believinig that this tiny thing could lead to that.

Come to think of it, this might have something to do with the reason I feel nervous to talk when someone who is "alpha" over me....and an easy time talking when I feel "alpha" over....I know this is probabbly bad....the whole "alpha" thing but that the way I feel.

Thanks
Wade

[AaronB]

I have often felt the same way. Does this relate to that? And I honestly don't know.

One thing that is important to me. There is no such thing as making too big a deal of something. If it feels like a big deal to you, that's all the qualification necessary. It sounds to me that you still have a sense of shame about your childhood experience. When you are at peace with your childhood, you will know it because all the tension related to that experience will be completely gone. It would be like describing somebody else's experience. You understand it, but there's nothing personal about it.

My guess is that the two are highly related. You feel a need to say no or you feel like you are being manipulated. But it is difficult to say no because you also don't want to be always rocking the boat. You seem torn between losing yourself or offending others. The two are both sides of the same coin. To understand one is to understand the other. I have no idea what would release this tension in you. Though for me when I would earnestly seek to be free from my own mental prison with more of a desire to be free then to blame either myself or the other person, invariably the information I needed to see to become free would show up for me somewhere. It really helped for me to admit to myself that I don't know how to free myself, because if I did I would have done it already. This opens my mind to receiving what it doesn't know.

[pinky3]

Sounds like a good way of finding the root of the problem. I believe that no one will be able to tell you if you're "right" or "wrong". It's something I guess only you can know. Something I've realised recently is that there may not even be a "right" answer. At least you're doing a process to find an answer. Sometimes maybe that's enough?

Are you still hurt sometimes over the abuse or do you keep it in?
In other words, is it something you still get upset about or was this exercise something that brought it back up again?

[Wade]

Originally Posted by AaronB

I have often felt the same way. Does this relate to that? And I honestly don't know.

One thing that is important to me. There is no such thing as making too big a deal of something. If it feels like a big deal to you, that's all the qualification necessary. It sounds to me that you still have a sense of shame about your childhood experience. When you are at peace with your childhood, you will know it because all the tension related to that experience will be completely gone. It would be like describing somebody else's experience. You understand it, but there's nothing personal about it.

My guess is that the two are highly related. You feel a need to say no or you feel like you are being manipulated. But it is difficult to say no because you also don't want to be always rocking the boat. You seem torn between losing yourself or offending others. The two are both sides of the same coin. To understand one is to understand the other. I have no idea what would release this tension in you. Though for me when I would earnestly seek to be free from my own mental prison with more of a desire to be free then to blame either myself or the other person, invariably the information I needed to see to become free would show up for me somewhere. It really helped for me to admit to myself that I don't know how to free myself, because if I did I would have done it already. This opens my mind to receiving what it doesn't know.

How did you get peace with your childhood?

[Wade]

Originally Posted by pinky3

Are you still hurt sometimes over the abuse or do you keep it in?
In other words, is it something you still get upset about or was this exercise something that brought it back up again?

When I say I keep it in...I just mean that I don't share my experience. I am aware of it nowadays but I down play it, I think this helps a lot.

[scotthegeek]

I'm not saying what is right or what is wrong but I have come across a different point of view and although it goes against that most psychologist experiences in there practice it dose make sense.

there was an interview about myths of psychology. its call confirmation bias. you have a theory why something happen and you only see the example that back up what you believe.

He said there is a lot of people that where sexually abused and are not in therapy because they where not traumatize by it at the time so psychologist are not a where of all the neutral outcome just the bad one. In fact a lot of people don't know they where sexually abuse until they hear about it on Opera. I have seen people that say I don't know what was happening to me but it felt good at the time and every one would go OMG you where sexually abused and even I said that too.

This is my own opinion and I admit it can be totally wrong and I don't want to discount that sexually abuse can have a traumatic effect. but when I go over old memories I ask myself one question first how did I feel at the time.

[AaronB]

Originally Posted by Wade

How did you get peace with your childhood?

I'm still in the process of becoming more and more at peace with all aspects of my life. There is nothing I'm aware of that still disturbs me at this moment related to disturbing childhood memories, though I'm certain there are some I haven't uncovered yet. Overall though my childhood experience would be described as one of the more mild ones.

Seeking to understand myself and find peace with myself to me is what life is all about. I might read a book or hear a speech that helps me see what I went through in a new light. I might talk to somebody on this forum and they help me to understand myself better.

For me finding peace with myself often involves looking at the particular part of a situation that makes me want to shudder or look away or cringe. It requires a lot of patience with myself, because it really is asking a lot. I often see this form of personal growth as really reaching into the depths of my being and it cannot be entered into lightly, because those walls that we set up to protect us weren't put there lightly.

For me recognizing the nature of my wall is valuable. Does it tell me I'm being silly for looking here? That I'm guilty and have no right? That someone else is to blame? There's usually one clear message. For me when approaching a walled off part of my own consciousness, I often will experience thoughts that I'm just being silly, or I'm making this all up, or there is nothing really to find here I'm just wasting my time. When I start getting strong messages about being on the wrong track, I know I'm getting close to something.