my son.

[taylor2]

ok! this is embarrassing and i just need some idea of what to do. my kids have been my life. i have tried very hard to realize me and the kids and hubby are in this life together.i did not have a mom who was into any of us kids. we could not ask her anything.so i wanted to be different with my kids.i have done alot of sacrifce to be having a relationship with my grown kids.i have overlooked the fact that my teen daughter and her slimy friedns robbed and stole everything out of our home when she was a teen. i have overlooked her calling and demanding me and her dad go get her smokes cause she had no car...when we would not.she said "f"u and hung up.i ahve been on call cause she has been in domestic violence...for 8 yrs. now.the oldest boy is schizophric/and bi-polar. i can not even tell u all i have been thru with him.it is so horrid.but he and the girl that stole from us.they are ok now.the other boy is something else. he seems to think i am responsible for everything. i am the reason he has an eating disorder. it seems i called him "fat" once when he was kid.the story changes.the first story was i called him fat from the time he was 7 to 15.then it changed to once-when i was 5. i never would do that to a child. i told his dad and his dad said to me"u never did-i called him fatboy always".my hubby did cause he was always such a little stick boy.it was a joke.everything is my fault. he lied and said i locked him in a box and did not feed him and for days he had to go poo in the box.he chose a time where i would have no support or backing for truth.he chose when his dad went trucking.well-finally after yrs.the dad and my daughter broke him down to finally have him admit he was lying.then i was mad at him recently and i told him to leave.he would not and i tossed the cell phone at his knee...cause he was calling me a name. i said get out. i did not hurt him.it was more a release of madness...it gently his his knee.he told my daughter i threw it in his face.that is such a horrid lie.this is the troble i have always had with this kid...lying. how do i deal with this guy?he breaks the law continually and lies and lies and is always having some kind of really sensitive issue.it may be his persception and his experience but it never happened.he is a mess. he uses religion over people and then oges to bars and gets in brawls.his own life is such a mess. in every way.jail and divorce and on and on.every time he comes over. crap happens. when my girl was 11-he slapped her and she had to run to the neighbors for safety and he broke our door and her bike .we always give him money to help him.he owes us thousands.one time he left our house cause we would not sign for him a crotch rocket.he had no license and not insurance and no credit.what are we?/stupid.now the latest is he is telling all the family members we ahd porn laying around for yrs and yrs.another horrid lie.we just don't know what to do about this grown man who is 34 and such a stinker.when he comes over-he is in our face and always needs a place to stay.he gets into our private stuff.we help him cause he is a fisherman and going thru a divorce.and let him stay.now we have quit.we want peace.the last stuff we went thru was he jumped from 3 stories and hurt his feet(running from the cops).then before he was even healed-the cops appraoched him at a store thinking he was a robber and he was not-got scared and fled from the cops.he had schools closed on lock down and helecopters and cops after him.the whole town was on alert.he calls us late int he nite.he had craches his truck and torn down someones tree in there yard and he fled and hid in the woods in a hole.so he calls us late in the nite-to come and get him.he did not know where he was.he had gotten some old lady to open the door and let him use her phone.we went to find him.way out in the boonies-coming from the woods.then the next day-we see his truck and all of this onthe news. we turned him in and the swat team came to our house to get him.we are sooo tired. i am to the point of just not dealing with him anymore. i ahve given up all to have my kids love and friendship.all the other kids are receptive but this boy is just so hard to deal with.what would u do?/thank u for any response.

[asrai]

If it were me I would get counselling for codependent issues. If you can get him to counselling that would be best, but if not just get yourself.

I don't want to say anymore becuase it's advice and I've learned not to give advice. But counselling is the best suggestion I can give you.

[taylor2]

yep! he had to go to court appointed counseling.they said he has hypomania but it was not long enough as i had hoped to get a diagnosis.i can say i don't really care what he does just not around us.i am pretty tired and have been trying this yr to help him.in the past-even with his issues...i thought he was ok.till i found out the lies he has been telling.that is when i realized he was not ok.we don't let him come here anymore.he has a tuff grandma and she is 84 and he blew up at her.she refused to talk to him and he called her and called her to say sorry.she finally forgave him.but now she is afraid to talk to him about anything.so i guess i just ignore him.my hubby will not let any of our kids stay here anymore.thank goodness.i just wish for my son to be ok.but too! i can not let him lie.these days i may as well find myself in court or on dr. phil for stuff i never did.so i am prone to fight the lies and confront him.ok.i am pretty sure he is bi-polar.i was hoping with counseling-they woud find out.but he did not have to go but a couple of times.to get some reason for the eluding the police.they said he was going thru a breakdown.but it is how he always is.that is what they do not know.ok.thanks.

[asrai]

Setting boundries is the most important thing you can do. Setting them is easy. You have to maintain them as well, which is the hard part.

You can love him unconditionally. But it doesn't mean you have to have put up with the things he does. You don't have to give him money, a place to live or rescue him when he gets in trouble with the law. It doesn't mean you love him any less.

He's 34, it's time to let him deal with his life. You can't seek help for him, the courts can't seek help for him. He's got to do that on his own.

[taylor2]

you know what?? u are right.thank u so much.u are so right.me and hubby have been married close to 40 yrs and honestly-i take care of my grandsons 50 hours a week and we love it.but we have our own hands full.we just want happiness and peace.we love our evening together.quiet and relaxing.so this is how it will be. we go to bed early and the son in question knows this and he called and said can u and dad go over to the store and send me money?we were sleeping. i said no son.he got real nasty and said it must be real nice to have a house and a place to stay huh?i ended up hanging up on him.we just cann't take it all anymore.so i will just be positive when he calls and say i have full confidence that u can handle your own life son.take care.i do love him no matter what. i just so want him to be ok.i don't mean our version of ok but like no law breaking and being honest and such.thanks.

[asrai]

Good for you. Good luck with everything. Feel free to message me anytime

Asrai

[taylor2]

thanks! trully. i know this but we have been thru so much getting the kids o.k-sometimes we don't know where we end off and they begin.time for the old hubby and me to take a rest.have a great day.

[Lauxa]

I agree with asrai and good for you for starting to set limits and take care of yourself!

People will treat you how you train them to treat you, so if your son or any of your children are treating you poorly you have to take responsibility that it is because you have allowed it until this point. But! That means that now you can train them to treat you better. If your son says something mean to you over the phone you can kindly say "thank you for your opinion" and hang up the phone. If he comes to your house to start verbally abusing you, you can leave. And you can still send him lots of love with your thoughts without allowing yourself to be abused or dragged into his problems.

One more encouragement. I think we should all help people as long as we are able to and want to and then we have to stop. And sometimes when we stop is they are able to do better than when we were helping. My brother-in-law's father lived with us for about 6 months and was always broke and depressed and drug addicted and when we finally kicked him out within a month he had found a good paying job (far away from us!). My husband's uncle lived with his parents until he was about 35 doing the garage-band pot-smoking no money thing and when they finally kicked him out he finally got his act together and now has a house, a wife, and a college degree. We want to think that people need us and sometimes it helps us to feel better if we think they can't get along without us. I love to help people and will do it if I can, but when you no longer feel called to help someone it is okay to stop!

Lots of love to you, your kids, and your grandkids!

[Smokefish]

I agree with what has already been said. Definitely set boundaries and limits! I had similar problems with my daughter, I got to a point where I felt like there was nothing else I could do. I decided that what I could do was send her positive energy. I spent time everyday, just thinking about her in a positive light, sending her positive energy, asking that she start making decisions that were in her own best interest and thinking about our relationship working out for the greatest good for us both. I wasn't sure if it would make a difference or not but did it anyway. At the time that I started that we hadn't spoken in over six months. After about a month of sending her positive energy, she started calling again, and the feedback that I have gotten from others around her is that she is definitely making positive changes in her life. I can't prove that my positive thinking was what made the difference, some may say it was a coincidence. Either way, it can't hurt or make anything worse and if nothing else it may make you feel better!

[taylor2]

well-i i thank u all for your response. some things i do not agree with but it is ok.i do not agree i have to take responsibility for teaching my son to treat everyone like crap. he has been out of our home for yrs and yrs. he has been with bunches of fishermen and in that life. he is his own bratty person.i am suppose to leave my home if he gets verbally abusive? i think not. i do agree that praying and sending postitive vibes is needed.i never really knew he was not ok till some of the stories he has been telling.now i know we have a problem. when he was back home in the past-i pushed everything off as just young.now i see he has some serious issues and lets deal with the real issues not lies.so i am happy . i center on my darling grandkids and hubby and am trying to not let this grown man treat us all bad. in doing thid-i do not want to fight.it has resloved itself. he is not calling us.that is fine by me. sad-but way better than tons of stress in all of our lifes. i see some serious things happening to this grown man child of mine. but i pray not.thanks so much for all the info and help.

[CeciL]

I really don't want to come off as rude, oh screw it here goes...

3 out of 3 kids treat(ed) you like crap? Take some responsibility for your children, unfortunately it seems waaaaay too late for that one. Better yet take responsibility for EVERYTHING in your life, even the things you seemingly can't control. Say your kids turned out bad because of a bad neighborhood, well that is still your fault, move... Don't have the money well still your fault, get a better job, Not qualified?, well get some education. Don't have the time? Still your fault...

The problems we encounter in life are of our own making.

Lauxa said it best...
People will treat you how you train them to treat you, so if your son or any of your children are treating you poorly you have to take responsibility that it is because you have allowed it until this point.

[taylor2]

well-i can say we have had our share of pain.the older son going shcizophrinic.the one other son i am talking about was good as a teen for a while.honor roll and such.we had no trouble and thought he was basically ok.when he went to couseling-they said there was hypomania. my daughter did alot of drugs of which we took her to drug re-hab.why would i want my kids to treat me bad?? i did not treat them bad.i dis-agree with the one gal cause i should leave my home if he abuses me?how about he leaves my home? i do not have to take responsiblity cause i have already taken on too much of there responsibility to be decent adults.in teen hood-yep-they were alot horrid and i guess there is reasons why there is sayings about teens like 'HOLD ON FOR THE RIDE".I THINK ASRAI IS PRACTICAL AND KIND AND I WILL TAKE THAT ADVICE.THANKS.MY ONE DAUGHTER WHO stole from us is now ok.my schiophrinic son is doing ok.i hope that they get a diagnois on the one son who is not beneath lying...which by the way-i have always been very honest and also do not and never have accepted this behaviour from him-ever.i was only saying i have tried to overlook alot to maintain a friendship with my kids...but this one son is coming up with unbelieveable stuff and we have tried to be kind and help him and it seems to not be working.so thanks again asrai for your very helpful kind response.

[Acting Like Godot]

I see that you live in Portland, Oregon, USA. There is someone in your part of the world who will help you. His name is Mr Zukav.

I do not know how exactly he can help you, but I know that he can. A little voice spoke in my head and told me so. My intuition is strong. And if your desire is strong enough, you will find your way to Mr Zukav. Or he will find his way to you.

You don't have to believe me. It's up to you. Remember the name. Good luck.

[ArthurHung]

CeciL: It's never too late to take responsibility. For yourself that is. That's the whole concept of total responsibility.

taylor2: "i do not agree i have to take responsibility for teaching my son to treat everyone like crap."

You could be right, but it would still help your situation greatly and add to your happiness if you could find it within yourself to hold onto the intentions that he will come around/become polite. taylor2, plainly spoken, you are taking your past situation/ current situation all too negatively; at the same time, I’m definately not saying you don’t have legitimate reasons for doing so. But, please refer to Steve’s advice on creative observation—which talks about turning all negative past experiences into a motivating energy source—from his podcasts. From the information shown I gather that your intentions for the longest time is simply "I won’t become overly hurt" and "children, leave me alone". Perhaps it would improve your life to hold onto intentions like: "I can find a source of happiness everyday in my life" and "the children will grow up normal and eventually find happiness", respectively, instead.