Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

Tanja · 08-12-2010, 09:20 PM

Today was the anniversary of my mother's death.

I was replying to a roxyruby's thread and wrote how time heals everything.

And right now it hit me.

Some parts still haven't healed even though I thought so.
It's not the fact that she died. I've accepted that.
But I've realized that I still carry around some pain because of the manner in which she passed away, for what she went through, thinking I could have done more.
Now, I know and accept that what happened happened, and that everything is a learning experinece, , that's at least what my mind tells me... but I still feel the way I feel...

I'm not even sure what my question is here? How to let go of it? I thought I knew in this case...

Or maybe I just needed to let it all out here...dunno...

CoolBee · 08-12-2010, 09:30 PM

Honour your feelings.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel.
Don't try to push them away.
{{Hugs}}

lifetimelearner · 08-12-2010, 09:30 PM

let it all out sweetie !

I am here for you

branigan · 08-12-2010, 09:37 PM

I struggled with something similar when my great grandmother, who was kind of like a mother to me, passed away. A cross-cultural experience is what did it for me.

I went on a trip to Japan around the time that it happened, and I got to see how the Japanese deal with death. They mourn the dead, as we all do, but they also honor those who have passed away with little shrines. Perhaps the word "shrine" is creepy to some people, but it's really just a little space or shelf somewhere in their living spaces that they use to honor the dead.

I decided to do something similar. I have several things that have sentimental value from my relationship with my grandmother, many of the things having once belonged to her. I have all of it gathered neatly on a shelf in my room. Once in a while I stop and look at the things. Sometimes, when I'm in a poetry-writing mood, I'll write a poem to or in honor of her, and place in on the shelf. I'll also burn incense frequently. Sometimes I'll spend time near the shelf meditating.

Perhaps such a thing would help you to honor your mother while at the same time feel at peace? Just a suggestion.

Tanja · 08-12-2010, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoolBee

Honour your feelings.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel.
Don\\\'t try to push them away.
{{Hugs}}

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

let it all out sweetie !
I am here for you

Thank you CoolBee and LTL! I\\\'m trying to do that, allowing myself to feel what I feel...
It\\\'s this feeling that she didn\\\'t deserve to go through all that...and I could have done more...wishing i could change things

I\\\'m sure it\\\'ll be okay..one of those moments I guess..

Quote:

Originally Posted by branigan

I struggled with something similar when my great grandmother, who was kind of like a mother to me, passed away. A cross-cultural experience is what did it for me.

Perhaps such a thing would help you to honor your mother while at the same time feel at peace? Just a suggestion.

Thank you, branigan, for your suggestion. I already have some things that have sentimental value, but I don\\\'t keep them all in one place. I\\\'ll try that.

Beyond Answers · 08-12-2010, 10:05 PM

You can always talk to her. If not yourself through meditation, then through a medium. I really think for some people it's the only way to heal. She can hear you, she is with you every time you think of her. A medium is there to help you hear her reply.

In my experience, a lot of people get stuck on how someone died and it causes them a great deal of emotional discomfort. In reality, regardless of how someone dies, it's still only the last little bit of their life. The death itself is only an instant. The lifetime is what matters. Every other day of their life that they lived to their fullest. The lessons they learned/taught. That is what everyone should focus on. Especially if there was a long illness before passing. In that case the death is so freeing to them they are simply happy to be over it.

I hope this brings you some comfort. Anniversaries can be very overwhelming emotionally.

Tanja · 08-12-2010, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beyond Answers

In my experience, a lot of people get stuck on how someone died and it causes them a great deal of emotional discomfort.

I realize now that this is what happened in my case, and that I haven\\\'t come to terms with it completely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beyond Answers

Especially if there was a long illness before passing. In that case the death is so freeing to them they are simply happy to be over it.

It was a long illness and in the end I was grateful (as weird as it sounds) that she finally found peace.

And you\\\'re right about it being only the last little bit of their life, it helped, thank you.

Beyond Answers · 08-12-2010, 10:25 PM

You are so welcome. It's what I'm here for.

lifetimelearner · 08-12-2010, 10:45 PM

my Dad had alzheimer's and it was the most painful thing in the world to watch him fade away from me

and I could not be there the day he died

I was being selfish !
- because I couldn't watch him leave this world and leave me ♥♥♥**** behind

so yeah I still have alot I am working through too
so please don't feel so bad -we all have stories and we all have emotions and we all need to bond together for each other and comfort each other whenever we can

I wish I could give you a real-life hug sister !!!!

Tanja · 08-12-2010, 10:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

my Dad had alzheimer's and it was the most painful thing in the world to watch him fade away from me

and I could not be there the day he died

I was being selfish !
- because I couldn't watch him leave this world and leave me ♥♥♥**** behind

I'm sorry about your dad LTL.
My mom died at home. She was confined to bed and couldn't move around so I took care of her. She was always full of energy and running around and I knew how difficult it was for her that I had to take care of her...and it broke my heart seeing her like that

it still does... I guess tonight i had to let it out... blah

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

so yeah I still have alot I am working through too
so please don't feel so bad -we all have stories and we all have emotions and we all need to bond together for each other and comfort each other whenever we can
I wish I could give you a real-life hug sister !!!!

Yes, I know, thanks!
Hugs to you!

lifetimelearner · 08-12-2010, 11:00 PM

okay whew the tears are blowing me away here !!

god I love you for sharing this and it brings to light just how really connected we are -even though we may be thousands of miles away from each other

got go get a drink now !!

lets toast to our mom and dad

GhostGoat · 08-12-2010, 11:33 PM

I wish I had some advice for you Tanja, I 've been struggling with the same thing. My sweetheart passed away about 20 months ago.

Most days now I am okay, but sometimes just the smallest thing can make me start crying. Thankfully, those moments are coming with less frequency these days...but I still feel very sad most of the time.

Hang in there. **hugs**

Tanja · 08-13-2010, 12:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

okay whew the tears are blowing me away here !!
god I love you for sharing this and it brings to light just how really connected we are -even though we may be thousands of miles away from each other
got go get a drink now !!

lets toast to our mom and dad

Sorry, I couldn't reply right away... I was packing...
yes, a toast sounds nice

Quote:

Originally Posted by GhostGoat

I wish I had some advice for you Tanja, I 've been struggling with the same thing. My sweetheart passed away about 20 months ago.
Most days now I am okay, but sometimes just the smallest thing can make me start crying. Thankfully, those moments are coming with less frequency these days...but I still feel very sad most of the time.

Hang in there. **hugs**

Thank you GhostGoat, I'm sorry about your sweetheart, and only 20 months ago... it's still 'fresh''. I wish you strength on your path to healing!

Hugs to you!!

shasah · 08-13-2010, 02:23 AM

Tanja, I can feel your pain. All I can suggest is to sit down and think about the good things that happened in your life together. Wrap those memories around you as well as the agony of loss. Personally, I tend to talk to the people that I have lost. It comforts me. Hope you are able to find your comfort zone.

xfactor · 08-13-2010, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tanja

Today was the anniversary of my mother's death.

I was replying to a roxyruby's thread and wrote how time heals everything.

And right now it hit me.

Some parts still haven't healed even though I thought so.
It's not the fact that she died. I've accepted that.
But I've realized that I still carry around some pain because of the manner in which she passed away, for what she went through, thinking I could have done more.
Now, I know and accept that what happened happened, and that everything is a learning experinece, , that's at least what my mind tells me... but I still feel the way I feel...

I'm not even sure what my question is here? How to let go of it? I thought I knew in this case...

Or maybe I just needed to let it all out here...dunno...

Very hard to give advice to someone in your condition. Seems to me you're slightly depressed because you haven't really let go. You're still blaming yourself for how your mother died, and you admit that openly.

Stop clinging to that. Try to realize that you don't need those painful memories in order to go on, those memories are not you. What would happen if they disappeared all of a sudden - you would still exist, wouldn't you?

What even more - you would be happier while still remembering and honoring your mother but not in a way that hurts you.

lifetimelearner · 08-13-2010, 08:13 AM

"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
...I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night. "

Tanja · 08-13-2010, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shasah

Tanja, I can feel your pain. All I can suggest is to sit down and think about the good things that happened in your life together. Wrap those memories around you as well as the agony of loss. Personally, I tend to talk to the people that I have lost. It comforts me. Hope you are able to find your comfort zone.

Thank you shasah, I realize now that what I still need to ''process'' is the way it happened, that's what apparently has been my issue. I think all of those memories were linked to that moment, in my mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xfactor

Very hard to give advice to someone in your condition. Seems to me you're slightly depressed because you haven't really let go. You're still blaming yourself for how your mother died, and you admit that openly.
Stop clinging to that. Try to realize that you don't need those painful memories in order to go on, those memories are not you. What would happen if they disappeared all of a sudden - you would still exist, wouldn't you?
What even more - you would be happier while still remembering and honoring your mother but not in a way that hurts you.

You hit a couple of nails on the head. And everything you said I understand rationally, and I thought I was at that point, only to discover I wasn't/am not. And yes, there's a feeling of guilt involved, but I'll think about it some more.
As far as clinging to it, I feel there some truth to that, as well.
Thank your for your insightful post.

my first instinct was to rush through this and get over it, but I'll accept this is where I am at now, allow myself to feel what I feel and remind myself that memories are not me. heh

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

I am the soft stars that shine at night. "

Thanks LTL, a nice poem

Thank you all.

Angela · 08-13-2010, 02:40 PM

Hi, Tanja -- my heart is with you.

I don't want to let go -- I don't think it's an undesirable thing to feel moved or even longing on the anniversary of my parents' death, which happens to be tomorrow, which also happens to be my birthday. Yes, my parents both died at my birthday, and not even the same year! The bastards ruined my birthday forever!

Now each year I think about how grateful I am to them for all their incredible generosity, and also about how much I miss them. My brothers call me to wish me "happy birthday, I'm sad about mom and dad."

and we laugh, which probably would look crazy to people outside our crazy family.

Lots of love to you; you are part of my crazy family.

Federer · 08-13-2010, 02:41 PM

Tanja, I am also with you. Sending you big HUG.

feel better.

lifetimelearner · 08-13-2010, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Hi, Tanja -- my heart is with you.

I don't want to let go -- I don't think it's an undesirable thing to feel moved or even longing on the anniversary of my parents' death, which happens to be tomorrow, which also happens to be my birthday. Yes, my parents both died at my birthday, and not even the same year! The bastards ruined my birthday forever!

Now each year I think about how grateful I am to them for all their incredible generosity, and also about how much I miss them. My brothers call me to wish me "happy birthday, I'm sad about mom and dad."

and we laugh, which probably would look crazy to people outside our crazy family.

Lots of love to you; you are part of my crazy family.

awwww
hugs to you Angela

Tanja · 08-13-2010, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Hi, Tanja -- my heart is with you.

I don't want to let go -- I don't think it's an undesirable thing to feel moved or even longing on the anniversary of my parents' death, which happens to be tomorrow, which also happens to be my birthday. Yes, my parents both died at my birthday, and not even the same year! The bastards ruined my birthday forever!

Now each year I think about how grateful I am to them for all their incredible generosity, and also about how much I miss them. My brothers call me to wish me "happy birthday, I'm sad about mom and dad."

and we laugh, which probably would look crazy to people outside our crazy family.

Lots of love to you; you are part of my crazy family.

Thank you Angela, you make a good point, I'd like to change this feeling of pain into feeling of longing or being moved.
And I'm sorry about your parents.

Reading about your brothers' call made me sad and made me laugh at the same time.

Glad to be part of your crazy family, I fit in perfectly!
Hugs to you!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Federer

Tanja, I am also with you. Sending you big HUG.

feel better.

Thank you,!

Angela · 08-13-2010, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tanja

Thank you Angela, you make a good point, I'd like to change this feeling of pain into feeling of longing or being moved.

Why not try spinning it and see what it transforms into? It may not change to longing or feeling moved, but it may transform into something that works really well for you. As you're spinning, you might want to ask your unconscious mind to get the learnings from the event of your parent's death, the learnings of which will allow you to release the bad-feeling emotions and generate ones that feel good to you (like gratitude, feeling moved, whatever form it takes in YOUR unconscious mind.)

AlmostGodess · 08-13-2010, 06:11 PM

Tanja, let me just hug you and tell you that everything will be great and that your heart is a place I would really like to meet!

Tanja · 08-13-2010, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Why not try spinning it and see what it transforms into? It may not change to longing or feeling moved, but it may transform into something that works really well for you. As you're spinning, you might want to ask your unconscious mind to get the learnings from the event of your parent's death, the learnings of which will allow you to release the bad-feeling emotions and generate ones that feel good to you (like gratitude, feeling moved, whatever form it takes in YOUR unconscious mind.)

Thank you, I like this!

It'll be interesting to see how the emotion moves in my body.

Tanja · 08-13-2010, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

Tanja, let me just hug you and tell you that everything will be great and that your heart is a place I would really like to meet!

Thank you AG! It's just one of those moments I guess..
Hope you're okay and you had a great time in the mountains.
Hug to you, too!

AlmostGodess · 08-13-2010, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tanja

Thank you AG! It's just one of those moments I guess..
Hope you're okay and you had a great time in the mountains.
Hug to you, too!

Mountains were great, thank you! I love and respect them and somehow each time I get to see mountains, I fall in love with our world even more

Tanja · 08-13-2010, 08:21 PM

Nicely said, AG. I love the mountains too.
I think I'll take up hiking this fall.

CoolBee · 08-13-2010, 08:42 PM

I don't know whether this would work for you, but I found an idea on line (sorry can't find the link now!) for a Heaven's Post Box (for Heaven you can substitute whatever your personal belief system is).
The idea is that you design a 'heaven post box' - maybe a shoe box - covered with fabric or paper or whatever, decorate it according to your beliefs. Then you write letters, messages, etc to your loved ones and 'post' them in it.

Tanja · 08-13-2010, 08:52 PM

That sounds interesting!
I'm visiting friends right now but once I get home I'll try it out.
I'll try all ideas here and see how they feel.

Thanks CoolBee!

cacheborn · 08-14-2010, 05:07 AM

I feel for you Tanja. Hugs.
In my case, I was not there when my mother died. And it took me a long time to forgive myself for that. Now I have accepted the fact. I am not sure of any one method which did it. I tried so many things. The important thing is not to blame yourself. You did the best you could.

08-12-2010, 09:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
Tanja Retired Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 6,068	How to let go....? Today was the anniversary of my mother's death. I was replying to a roxyruby's thread and wrote how time heals everything. And right now it hit me. Some parts still haven't healed even though I thought so. It's not the fact that she died. I've accepted that. But I've realized that I still carry around some pain because of the manner in which she passed away, for what she went through, thinking I could have done more. Now, I know and accept that what happened happened, and that everything is a learning experinece, , that's at least what my mind tells me... but I still feel the way I feel... I'm not even sure what my question is here? How to let go of it? I thought I knew in this case... Or maybe I just needed to let it all out here...dunno... Last edited by Tanja; 08-12-2010 at 09:21 PM. Reason: .

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

08-12-2010, 09:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
CoolBee Family Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 2,044	Honour your feelings. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't try to push them away. {{Hugs}}

08-12-2010, 09:30 PM	#3 (permalink)
lifetimelearner Legendary Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Georgia Posts: 11,359	let it all out sweetie ! I am here for you

08-12-2010, 09:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
branigan Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: The Dark Side of The Moon Posts: 34	I struggled with something similar when my great grandmother, who was kind of like a mother to me, passed away. A cross-cultural experience is what did it for me. I went on a trip to Japan around the time that it happened, and I got to see how the Japanese deal with death. They mourn the dead, as we all do, but they also honor those who have passed away with little shrines. Perhaps the word "shrine" is creepy to some people, but it's really just a little space or shelf somewhere in their living spaces that they use to honor the dead. I decided to do something similar. I have several things that have sentimental value from my relationship with my grandmother, many of the things having once belonged to her. I have all of it gathered neatly on a shelf in my room. Once in a while I stop and look at the things. Sometimes, when I'm in a poetry-writing mood, I'll write a poem to or in honor of her, and place in on the shelf. I'll also burn incense frequently. Sometimes I'll spend time near the shelf meditating. Perhaps such a thing would help you to honor your mother while at the same time feel at peace? Just a suggestion.

08-12-2010, 10:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
Beyond Answers Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 73	You can always talk to her. If not yourself through meditation, then through a medium. I really think for some people it's the only way to heal. She can hear you, she is with you every time you think of her. A medium is there to help you hear her reply. In my experience, a lot of people get stuck on how someone died and it causes them a great deal of emotional discomfort. In reality, regardless of how someone dies, it's still only the last little bit of their life. The death itself is only an instant. The lifetime is what matters. Every other day of their life that they lived to their fullest. The lessons they learned/taught. That is what everyone should focus on. Especially if there was a long illness before passing. In that case the death is so freeing to them they are simply happy to be over it. I hope this brings you some comfort. Anniversaries can be very overwhelming emotionally.

08-12-2010, 10:25 PM	#8 (permalink)
Beyond Answers Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 73	You are so welcome. It's what I'm here for.

08-12-2010, 10:45 PM	#9 (permalink)
lifetimelearner Legendary Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Georgia Posts: 11,359	my Dad had alzheimer's and it was the most painful thing in the world to watch him fade away from me and I could not be there the day he died I was being selfish ! - because I couldn't watch him leave this world and leave me ♥♥♥**** behind so yeah I still have alot I am working through too so please don't feel so bad -we all have stories and we all have emotions and we all need to bond together for each other and comfort each other whenever we can I wish I could give you a real-life hug sister !!!!

08-12-2010, 11:00 PM	#11 (permalink)
lifetimelearner Legendary Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Georgia Posts: 11,359	okay whew the tears are blowing me away here !! god I love you for sharing this and it brings to light just how really connected we are -even though we may be thousands of miles away from each other got go get a drink now !! lets toast to our mom and dad

08-12-2010, 11:33 PM	#12 (permalink)
GhostGoat Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 506	I wish I had some advice for you Tanja, I 've been struggling with the same thing. My sweetheart passed away about 20 months ago. Most days now I am okay, but sometimes just the smallest thing can make me start crying. Thankfully, those moments are coming with less frequency these days...but I still feel very sad most of the time. Hang in there. hugs

08-13-2010, 02:23 AM	#14 (permalink)
shasah Family Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: USA Posts: 3,750	Tanja, I can feel your pain. All I can suggest is to sit down and think about the good things that happened in your life together. Wrap those memories around you as well as the agony of loss. Personally, I tend to talk to the people that I have lost. It comforts me. Hope you are able to find your comfort zone.

08-13-2010, 08:13 AM	#16 (permalink)
lifetimelearner Legendary Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Georgia Posts: 11,359	"Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. ...I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. "

08-13-2010, 02:40 PM	#18 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	Hi, Tanja -- my heart is with you. I don't want to let go -- I don't think it's an undesirable thing to feel moved or even longing on the anniversary of my parents' death, which happens to be tomorrow, which also happens to be my birthday. Yes, my parents both died at my birthday, and not even the same year! The bastards ruined my birthday forever! Now each year I think about how grateful I am to them for all their incredible generosity, and also about how much I miss them. My brothers call me to wish me "happy birthday, I'm sad about mom and dad." and we laugh, which probably would look crazy to people outside our crazy family. Lots of love to you; you are part of my crazy family.

08-13-2010, 02:41 PM	#19 (permalink)
Federer Family Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: India Posts: 2,935	Tanja, I am also with you. Sending you big HUG. feel better.

08-13-2010, 06:11 PM	#23 (permalink)
AlmostGodess Banned Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: France Posts: 6,053	Tanja, let me just hug you and tell you that everything will be great and that your heart is a place I would really like to meet!

08-13-2010, 08:21 PM	#27 (permalink)
Tanja Retired Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 6,068	Nicely said, AG. I love the mountains too. I think I'll take up hiking this fall.

08-13-2010, 08:42 PM	#28 (permalink)
CoolBee Family Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 2,044	I don't know whether this would work for you, but I found an idea on line (sorry can't find the link now!) for a Heaven's Post Box (for Heaven you can substitute whatever your personal belief system is). The idea is that you design a 'heaven post box' - maybe a shoe box - covered with fabric or paper or whatever, decorate it according to your beliefs. Then you write letters, messages, etc to your loved ones and 'post' them in it.

08-13-2010, 08:52 PM	#29 (permalink)
Tanja Retired Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 6,068	That sounds interesting! I'm visiting friends right now but once I get home I'll try it out. I'll try all ideas here and see how they feel. Thanks CoolBee!

08-14-2010, 05:07 AM	#30 (permalink)
cacheborn Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 6,439	I feel for you Tanja. Hugs. In my case, I was not there when my mother died. And it took me a long time to forgive myself for that. Now I have accepted the fact. I am not sure of any one method which did it. I tried so many things. The important thing is not to blame yourself. You did the best you could.

Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums