"Show me someone who has no fear.. and I'll show you an idiot."

[webb.murray]

As a 'successful' guy I have always found it difficult to express my feelings and show fear. I have always thought it was weak to cry, and to admit that I am wrong.

This week I found out I am not alone. It seems a lot of men 'struggle' with these issues but never admit them or worse still ignore them. After searching the internet for some time I finally found an article that summed up my feelings and made me feel normal about them.

I would love to know if other males secretly feel the same way.

BTW - You can find the article called A Letter to All Blokes here.

Murray Webb

[Thomas Jensen]

I think we have to accept that fear will always be there. It can drive us on to improve ourselves, to be better at what we do.

I think the real enemy is thinking too much, which has some associations with fear. I'm guilty of this. Sometimes I can obsess over keeping costs down, and controlling my spending, when it's an investment that will pay off. The length of time I spend thinking about it is not congruent with the risk of the investment. I think this is common among perfectionists. As Steve says, you have to set yourself a period of time to consider investments etc., and the force yourself to make a decision and act one way or another. Decisiveness is very important if you want to work for yourself.

[Mark Lapierre]

Can't say I'm with you on this one.

But then I've never bought into the macho side of being a man. It always seemed so obviously fake. One of the guys at my high school used to always tack "like a man" onto the end of anything he told other guys to do. E.g., Crush a coke can on your forehead, like a man. Or something equally Neanderthal-like. Being an English nerd, I interpreted "like" as meaning "similar to but not identical" and had a laugh with my friends at the antics of this boy who was trying to pretend he's a man.

On the flip side, I don't think it a problem to not show fear. To deny that you feel fear, yes, but even if you feel it, your interactions with others always go more smoothly when you don't show your fear, right?

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

"your interactions with others always go more smoothly when you don't show your fear, right?"
I'm not sure Mark... I reckon people warm to you more when you're honest, and you can tell when someone is scared anyway. If someone tells me that they are scared of whatever it is, at least I can interpret their behaviour correctly?

But maybe among people who are not your friends you may have to put on a brave face. Is it a lack of trust instead?

or maybe I'm just lacking sleep!

Love to you
Hazel

[Iksander]

Growing up as a male in modern America - I can relate to you. The idea that you are a 'wussy' if you acknowledge your feelings is a predominate idea.

It is a fine line to draw though - I mean, what makes us up as men? I always thought it was our absoluteness and solidity. Our will power and strength.

A good book on being a man without being an butt-head and without losing the essence of your masculinity, is: 'The Way of the Superior Man' - David Deida, highly recommended as a personal development book.

Fear? I always found that by confronting fear with curiosity - it almost immediately overrides it (Pandora's Box, Curiosity killed the Cat). It is far from any sort of a negative connotation, too. When you really are curious even in the face of something scary, then you are giving less attention to the 'fear' feeling and more attention to the 'is this something that will further my evolution or not?' and that feeling attracts a whole lot less of the really unwanted thing. Really, if you die because of curiosity - isn't that a better thing than dying because of fear? (to me, it sounds like the most fulfilling death there could ever be...)

[Trina]

Originally Posted by ReallyGoodIdeas

"your interactions with others always go more smoothly when you don't show your fear, right?"
I'm not sure Mark... I reckon people warm to you more when you're honest, and you can tell when someone is scared anyway. If someone tells me that they are scared of whatever it is, at least I can interpret their behaviour correctly?

I agree with ya here Hazel. I get frustrated when my husband and I are going through a rough patch and he shows no fear. It comes across as not caring at all. I don't want him to be riddled with fear and render himself incapacitated by it, but it's nice to know that he at least cares. I don't feel like I am overreacting, making a big deal out of nothing, or all alone when he lets me know that he is scared too. The comfort from that alone makes the situation easier to deal with because I know that I am not alone. Am I making sense?

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by ReallyGoodIdeas

"your interactions with others always go more smoothly when you don't show your fear, right?"
I'm not sure Mark... I reckon people warm to you more when you're honest, and you can tell when someone is scared anyway. If someone tells me that they are scared of whatever it is, at least I can interpret their behaviour correctly?

But maybe among people who are not your friends you may have to put on a brave face. Is it a lack of trust instead?

Hmm, true, "always" doesn't belong in that sentence does it? "sometimes" would be more appropriate But imagine a specific situation, like an interview. Everyone understands fear in that situation, yet, in my experience, allowing the fear to show clearly, through stammered words, mental blanks, fidgeting, etc., results in more fear/nervousness and a poorer impression made on the interviewer. My best interview experiences have been where preparation has allowed me to march right through the fires of nervousness. I still felt scared, but it didn't seem as obvious as during other, less successful times.

But say I'm in a group EFT session, for example (), and I'm feeling afraid that I might embarrass myself. In that situation it would be more beneficial to let the fear show. That's what I'm there to sort out, after all.

So I agree, different circumstances, different approaches.

Originally Posted by Iksander

Growing up as a male in modern America - I can relate to you. The idea that you are a 'wussy' if you acknowledge your feelings is a predominate idea.

It is a fine line to draw though - I mean, what makes us up as men? I always thought it was our absoluteness and solidity. Our will power and strength.

Guess I'll hand in my man card then.

Btw, what does "absoluteness" mean?

Originally Posted by Trina

I agree with ya here Hazel. I get frustrated when my husband and I are going through a rough patch and he shows no fear. It comes across as not caring at all. I don't want him to be riddled with fear and render himself incapacitated by it, but it's nice to know that he at least cares. I don't feel like I am overreacting, making a big deal out of nothing, or all alone when he lets me know that he is scared too. The comfort from that alone makes the situation easier to deal with because I know that I am not alone. Am I making sense?

Hmmm, this is the opposite of what I've heard men are supposed to be. Women have told me that they want a man that makes them feel safe, protected. Comforted by the fact that despite whatever they're up against, they can handle it with the support (which could be just a supporting presence) of their man.

We're lead to believe that the comfort you get comes from us showing that we're able to deal with anything that comes along, even if we don't actually have to deal with it.

Perhaps the confusion comes from not recognising that different situations require different approaches. For example, a romantic holiday which turns into a disaster as one thing after another goes wrong; that would be a time when being unafraid would help, wouldn't it?

And what if a guy were in a relationship which was facing hard times, but he said that he wasn't scared because he firmly believed they'd both get through the rough patch? If he showed it by doing something to clearly demonstrate that he still deeply cares for his partner, I'd think that would be preferable to him showing fear.

Of course if he is scared, then yes, in a relationship complete honesty would be preferable. One of the things that makes relationships so enjoyable is gaining an ever greater understanding of each other. Can't do that if one or the other pretends to feel something they're not.