Passing of a brother

[AmandaP]

My kid brother passed away 5 years ago next week. He was born with CF and lived quiet a long life considering. David passed just 3 weeks after his 21st b'day. I was his full-time carer and his was one of my best friends.
In recent years I have become very good friends with someone who happens to be share his b'day with my brothers memorial. For the last to years I have attended the b'day party of my friend, shared one drink then parked myself in a bar alone and drank shots of Jim Beam (which I hate) as a celerbartion of my brothers life. He asked me on his death bed to always have A shot for him and always be happy on the 21th of March for the wonderful life that he had been able to life. I've never felt it was the right way to act. Now 5 years on I feel torn between celerbating my mates b'day, drinking alone crying, or really being happy for that life David lived. I feel guilt for wanting to celerbate with mates, shame for crying and not really doing what David asked and confusing over my mourning period.
I know that at the end of the day it's my decision on what I'll do but any advise?

[Love]

Hi Amanda.
My brother also died when he was 21. Today's his birthday. It's been 4.5 years. When I saw your post, I just had to respond. I do feel that it's really easy to feel guilty. When I call my mom, sometimes I can hear that in her voice. Someone is out of your life that you wanted to be there, and here you are, well, trying to living life.

Here's a way of thinking about it: Would your brother want you to be crying on that day? I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I'd like to think that my brother wants us to remember him, but to also be happy ourselves. I don't think that he as spirit wants us to be miserable as a way to honor him. What I do is that I like to remember him over the course of the year, so that I don't feel particularly tied to anyone date. As in, okay, this is the day I'm supposed to be extremely miserable or respectful or whatever... I don't really think spirit time works that way.

Or how about this way: If you go the party, could it be that you can celebrate two lives at once at give twice as much love and so let twice as much in?

I understand this is a process. It takes time.

I wish you peace.

[norbert]

Dear Amanda,

My best friend passed away 2 months ago at age 20. He was like my brother and some kind of a life mate: we had very similar dreams and a very strong desire to fulfill them together in the next 40 years. I feel the pain in every moment.

Whatever your brother asked you to do, I am sure he'd understand the feelings you are having. Don't feel guilty. My advice for you is the same as for myself: simply be what you are. Always decide based on how you feel at the moment, listen to your heart and don't regret anything.

The only single thing that empowers me is to think about how lucky I am that by living longer than him, I saved him from experiencing the pain I feel inside all the time. I am grateful for the universe/god/whatever that he doesn't have to experience this.

I'm sure they know they wouldn't feel any better either.

[Margaret]

I would spend the day celebrating all the wonderfull memories we had shared in the twenty one years of his life. I would do it with a clear mind and a happy heart. I would thank God for the gift those twenty one years were to me. I would share all of these with my children. For no one really dies, they live on forever in the memories of those who loved them. In this way we teach our children that life is always a miracle to be treasured, for no matter how long.

[GoalGuru]

In advance of the next anniversary, plan 5 things you can do that day to honor yourself and your brother positively. (plant a tree, run a race, make a donation in his memory, give your time to a stranger in need, cook a delicious dinner for your loved ones, set a new goal, write a letter to him expressing your gratitude for having him in your life, write a letter to 5 people still living expressing your gratitude for having them in your life, etc)

Choose someone to share the experience with so that you are not alone and ask them to remind you of your Goals for that day.

Live Your Dreams,

-Jill

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Hey Amanda,

I'm sorry, I didn't realise your brother's celebration was 21 March, so soon after we talked about it. At the Melbourne meetup you told us that your brother loved a challenge and enjoyed life to the fullest despite his health.

Your brother wanted you to have A shot and be happy on 21 March. Crying is another matter, but doesn't a shot and being happy work nicely for your friend's birthday as well? How about next year, you ask everyone at the birthday party to have a celebratory shot for your brother? I'm sure he'd have preferred to be at a party celebrating, rather than alone in a bar commiserating?

He asked you to do that for a reason.

Much love to you Amanda!

Hazel

[Gary Lee Avery]

Hello, Amanda.
This is my first interaction with this forum.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your younger brother and best friend.
I recently lost my Grandson. He was 19-years old.
He volunteered to help his friend look for his friends missing father who became lost in the river while kayaking.
My Grandson entered the water and became lost as well.
I like your perspective of celebrating your brothers birthday, but I don't necessarily think he would really want you to do something you really didn't want to do.
Celebrate his life ... okay, but in a way that is acceptable and enjoyable and memorable to you.
After five years, you honor that young man, you are indeed his best friend and sister.
A day doesn't go by that I don't talk to my Grandson expressing how much he is loved and missed.
I would imagine you have had many heart-to-heart talks to your brother since he has been gone.
The two of you being best friends is so very nice.
Cherish the memories.
When my family talks with my 6-year old Grand-daughter about her brother we emphisize the things they did together and how much her brother loves her.
It will be a year since my Grandson's funeral come June 7, 2007 but the memories are still fresh in mind as I believe the memories of your brother still live inside of you and always will.
Some things we are meant to remember forever.
As long as we remember they will never really be gone.
My best wishes to you and your brother.

[llong]

Sorry for all your losses?

What does all this teach us?

Cherish your loved ones!