How to leave your family

[Oso]

Its been 4 years since I became aware of the cage i was in. Over the years I have tried to slowly pull away from my family. My goal is to leave my home when im 18. Today my mom asked me what i saw to be my future, i told her that I did not see a future staying in this household and that i wanted to leave the state if not the country to find my purpose in life. She was dissapointed if not angry that I would think of such a thing. She tells me that because of my deceased father I have to stay and look after the family, to stay together and die together. My 3 eldest brothers have done exactly that. They got married and 2 of them who are in their 20's and entering their 30s, are still living with her. The 3 of them have started to build homes in our home country (Mexico) and they plan to move back in the upcoming years. We are country people and because of that they dont see themselves out in the world. I dont wanna be like them, I dont want to die without a purpose, to die and not be remembered but by my family. I know that family is important and it is one of the best things in life but i cant be with them if im not my true self. I have a secret i've hidden from them and i have held it back because I've seen their reaction to people like me. They are disgusted by us, to them we are a corruption to society and for a time i believed them which is why i fell into a deep depression for 2 years. Im still not fully recovered but im doing better because i realized that what they believed in was not true or at the least not something i believe in, so my question to this forum is, how can i leave my family? Should i keep pulling away for the next 2 years and when i leave they wont miss me as much or should i be with them as much as i can, so that when i leave they will be extremely hurt but with happy memories? How should I leave them?

[180]

Homosexuality?

Personally, I would tell my family about the secret. If they truly love you they would accept. If not, might as well bust out and live somewhere else. They may come to learn and accept whatever secret you have.


edit:

Oso? Maybe you're a bear?

[Ecce Homo]

Originally Posted by Oso

so my question to this forum is, how can i leave my family? Should i keep pulling away for the next 2 years and when i leave they wont miss me as much orshould i be with them as much as i can, so that when i leave they will be extremely hurt but with happy memories? How should I leave them?

Are you sure it has to be either/or? I see more than two options to consider. A third way could involve a change in focus. You could focus more on how you want to feel when you leave them and less on how you think your family will or won't feel. Their feelings are theirs and your feelings are yours. That's the good news!

You might also consider focusing more on what you are moving towards when you leave rather than what you are running from. You are likely to feel much better about yourself, your prospects and your family if you focus on what you want to experience after you turn 18 rather than what you want to get away from.

[anghel]

Originally Posted by Oso

i told her that I did not see a future staying in this household

I said the same thing. I think my mom was hurt but she accepted what I said. I didn't leave our country, I just transferred in another city (Not really far, just at least 4 hrs of travel). I told her I wanted to be independent and that there are bigger opportunities for me if I'll live in a bigger city. I'm also planning of living the country but for now, it's just another city. It's a start. If I'll get used on living alone and them living without me then I'll live somewhere else. I left when I was 17, it's been four years already.

[Broadsword]

Live your own life and do what you feel is best. In the end they should want you to be happy and realise staying at home is not what you want to do.

Get some oney together and move out. I have a similar circumstance where I still stay with my Mother and she does need me - but i won't be here forever. She will struggle to except that, but she will get over it.

[ssandra]

Be with your family now. Get all the joy and happiness from being with them, right now. Live in the moment.

Then, when the moment comes, you move to a different city or country (if it is being gay you are talking about, there is a very large and over all pretty accepted gay community in Mexico City).

But don't "leave" your family. Don't quit on them. You can still be part of the family, even when you are living farther away. That could be your choice.

If your family doesn't accept that choice and doesn't want to feel you as part of the family even though you do... that is their choice.

But you can be with them, be part of the family, while still not living with them.

I understand how difficult it can be, being different and unexpected, especially here in Mexico. Family means a lot for most people here.

Before coming out (still assuming you are gay, and that's the secret), I would suggest finding a "surrogate family" in the new place you are living.

If your family is accepting of you, then you have 2 families. If they are not, you are not left alone, which could very easily lead to depression. Having a backup system is extremely important.

[Oso]

yeah i wish it was taht simple, just telling them and they accept me for who i am lol not in this lifetime, im not the first in our small town to be like this and they hanged 2 that i know, its a small village really so i can understand why they would feel threatened by such people. I dont want to come out because I dont want to leave them with a grudge or hatred for me, I just want to leave with the fake identity i have created, I will leave, i was just wondering what the best way was, you know to not hurt them as much.

[Ecce Homo]

Originally Posted by Oso

i was just wondering what the best way was, you know to not hurt them as much.

I'd go with being as loving and as kind towards them as you can be. Don't come out to them before you leave if you feel that it would dangerous for you to do so. You may not be able to hear this now, but you won't regret moving forward into your new life with love in your heart for your family and your past. You will be building a sturdy foundation for your own future happiness if you can find a way to forgive your family and the people in your town for not being as accepting as you wish they would be.

[tonytiger78]

Hi! I am from Monterrey, gay too and dealing with exactly the same problems my friend, the thing is for anyone in this forum it would be very very hard to understand the traditional mexican family values and traditions that unlike anywhere in the world, have been fed upon the entire country by mass media for decades (think Sara Garcia, Pedro Infante and all the soap operas) as well as catholic faith which unlike anywhere else in the world, has defined a lot how mexicans should behave.

Drop me a PM to get my msn and we could chat for sooo long on this I am sure to lift your mood up and make you see everything on a different light. I am planning to move to Mexico City too, because with family here, they cannot conceive how I could move to live on my own!

[ssandra]

I understand how it can be.

I also know that luckily there are places in Mexico where you CAN be yourself. However, it might be difficult as well for your family.

Most of our friends would not care if someone is gay, straight or bi sexual (all living in Mexico City). Family would be a bit more complicated, but in the end I think most of my family in law would be ok with one of the family being gay.

But... I also know that this is not normal in Mexico.

Try and find a nice place for yourself to live, and find friends that will become your family. Friends that will accept you for who you are. They exist, I promise you!

Another reason why Mexico City is one of my favorite places on earth. In the middle of a very religious country, filled with prejudice, this city is actually pretty open to all kinds of different life styles...

[Oso]

yeah perhaps i will do as most of you said, live my own life and be happy. While it might be a depression journey i know i will find what i seek at then end. thank you everyone.

[Oso]

Originally Posted by tonytiger78

Drop me a PM to get my msn and we could chat for sooo long on this I am sure to lift your mood up and make you see everything on a different light. I am planning to move to Mexico City too, because with family here, they cannot conceive how I could move to live on my own!

not to be mean or anything, or maybe i am, who knows maybe im just releasing my hate on the weakest one, but im pretty sure i never said i needed someone to lift my mood, and as to "seeing everything in a different light" i have no need because i can do that by myself.And whats this "we can chat for sooo long on this" this being homosexuality...hmm...i want to think you're looking for a friendship or maybe you're trying to be nice, anyway you're what 30? im 16 so no sorry im not chatting with a 30 year old, i might be gay,young and stupid but im not going to fall for the first guy that makes me feel good or as you kindly put it to "lift my mood". anyone it was a nice thing you tried to do but please think before you post ( i know im being a hypocrite)

[vp2oh9]

Originally Posted by Oso

Its been 4 years since I became aware of the cage i was in. Over the years I have tried to slowly pull away from my family. My goal is to leave my home when im 18. Today my mom asked me what i saw to be my future, i told her that I did not see a future staying in this household and that i wanted to leave the state if not the country to find my purpose in life. She was dissapointed if not angry that I would think of such a thing. She tells me that because of my deceased father I have to stay and look after the family, to stay together and die together. My 3 eldest brothers have done exactly that. They got married and 2 of them who are in their 20's and entering their 30s, are still living with her. The 3 of them have started to build homes in our home country (Mexico) and they plan to move back in the upcoming years. We are country people and because of that they dont see themselves out in the world. I dont wanna be like them, I dont want to die without a purpose, to die and not be remembered but by my family. I know that family is important and it is one of the best things in life but i cant be with them if im not my true self. I have a secret i've hidden from them and i have held it back because I've seen their reaction to people like me. They are disgusted by us, to them we are a corruption to society and for a time i believed them which is why i fell into a deep depression for 2 years. Im still not fully recovered but im doing better because i realized that what they believed in was not true or at the least not something i believe in, so my question to this forum is, how can i leave my family? Should i keep pulling away for the next 2 years and when i leave they wont miss me as much or should i be with them as much as i can, so that when i leave they will be extremely hurt but with happy memories? How should I leave them?

just go out and do your thang..your family will always love you no matter what

i live in an asian family and we have a tradition kind of like yours where when the kids grow up they have to take care of their family, but being me, i was always goin against the grain, so i moved out to socal and im doing my own thing...i occasionaly go back to visit them whenever i have the time for it, cuzz they still my family and all, but remember this is your life, you can do whatever you want with it, and dont pull away man...ur family is one of the best things you got, they will always have your back, enjoy ur time with them cuzz when you move away, you gonna start missin them alot.

the way your phrasin it is like youre gonna leave them forever...jus think of it as going away for a while to do your own thing..be your own man...but know you guys are always gonna be one phone call away..ur family is your support man

if they really ur family then they will accept u no matter what..even if it doesnt seem so..itll just take a lil gettin use to thats all

theres always sunshine after the storm.

[AlmostGodess]

I left home when I was 15. Went studying to a different country. My dream was to be independent and to show the world who I was. After I left, I terribly missed my family. When I was leaving, my family and all my neighbors were coming to say good buy and crying with me. It was as if I was dieing a little bit each time I went away. I used to carry stones from my garden in my wallet. I still carry a plant root, just to remember where I come from.

It was really painful for my parents and sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. I wonder why I did not stay home 3 or 4 more years before I left them behind forever.

[stewartM]

I left home when I was 16, I'm gay and my Mother could not accept it, I moved from Manchester in England where I was born, to London. I wasn't prepared for a big city, but i survived and grew up very quickly.

I'm now 41, and I haven't seen my Mother in that whole time, which I do regret. I've attempted to talk to her but i'm afraid in her eyes I will always be 'an abomination'.

I met with my siblings about 13 years ago for the first time since I left, and we've kept in contact, my brother and I have become good friends, and his children are my pride and joy.

I can't say that leaving is a good idea for you, (apart from the implied threat of violence), but I can say for me it was a blessing. I would also add that your 'family' doesn't just have to be the people you're related to...

Good luck

Stewart

[Oso]

Originally Posted by stewartM

I would also add that your 'family' doesn't just have to be the people you're related to...

Good luck

Stewart

exactly

[anghel]

Originally Posted by stewartM

I'm now 41, and I haven't seen my Mother in that whole time, which I do regret. I've attempted to talk to her but i'm afraid in her eyes I will always be 'an abomination'.

Stewart

Don't you plan on going back and visit your mother? You miss her, right?
I go home once or twice or twice a year (since it's just another city, it's not really that hard to go home for me). I just make sure I can visit them during x-mas.

[stewartM]

Erm I think you're slightly missing the point...last time i tried she didn't open the door

[anghel]

Originally Posted by stewartM

Erm I think you're slightly missing the point...last time i tried she didn't open the door

Oh... That's really sad. Do you think she'll change? I don't know what will I do if my parents will do that to me.

[Sarah Wilson]

Originally Posted by stewartM

Erm I think you're slightly missing the point...last time i tried she didn't open the door

I think you're life is more complicated than Oso, in Oso's case she still got the chance to decide.

You have to make a move before it's too late to get your mother back. I'm sure your mother still have a space in her heart for you, just say sorry and show her you still care after all those long years since you were gone..No matter what, a mother will always be a mother for her children.

[stewartM]

I think so too Sarah, hence why I didn't say that leaving was the only option, but what I wanted to say is that his life will be ok, and there will be people there for him all the way through, as there has been for me...

I don't know Anghel, I've tried many times, it's been 25 years so I'm used to it now

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Sarah Wilson

I think you're life is more complicated than Oso, in Oso's case she still got the chance to decide.

You have to make a move before it's too late to get your mother back. I'm sure your mother still have a space in her heart for you, just say sorry and show her you still care after all those long years since you were gone..No matter what, a mother will always be a mother for her children.

A chance to decide what? Not be himself and put his family first? Sure, that is a decision he could take, but I don't think he will make himself very happy with that.

Sure a mother SHOULD always have a space in her heart for her children... but if the only way to get there is to apologize for your lifestyle, sexual preference, in short, who you are, I'm not sure it is worth it.

Like others have said before, there are more ways to get a family then just the one you are born with. Good friends are worth as much, if not more then family, especially if they do except you for who you are.

[Oso]

yes to anyone out there with the same problem please realize that a "family" is not always the one you were born into. I enjoy myself more when im with friends than with my family who is very judgemental and harsh. but i guess only people with bad families understand this, i mean how would you feel if you had to create a new identity so your family wouldnt kill you. literally. oh yes i remember when i was a little kid and liked playing with dolls, got kicked out of my house for about a week when i was 7, i secretly lived in a little hut near the village until my dad passed away that same week, then my mom went out looking for me because i reminded her of him.

my point being, search for your family, it might be confusing and very depressing but eventually you'll find it, heck you might of had it in front of you, nothing wrong with that, just be glad you found it.

[anghel]

Originally Posted by stewartM

I don't know Anghel, I've tried many times, it's been 25 years so I'm used to it now

Is she stubborn? I hope your mom has still space in her heart like what Sarah said. Maybe she just doesn't want to show it (doubting her own feelings?).
Anyway, you can still enjoy life with people who accepts who you are. Friends are like family too.

[themaster]

Originally Posted by Oso

yes to anyone out there with the same problem please realize that a "family" is not always the one you were born into. I enjoy myself more when im with friends than with my family who is very judgemental and harsh. but i guess only people with bad families understand this, i mean how would you feel if you had to create a new identity so your family wouldnt kill you. literally. oh yes i remember when i was a little kid and liked playing with dolls, got kicked out of my house for about a week when i was 7, i secretly lived in a little hut near the village until my dad passed away that same week, then my mom went out looking for me because i reminded her of him.

my point being, search for your family, it might be confusing and very depressing but eventually you'll find it, heck you might of had it in front of you, nothing wrong with that, just be glad you found it.

I hate to break it to you.. but your family is not a random bunch of people.. you know them on a intimate level.. who we incarnate with or born with is not *random* it's chosen by us..

I understand you have fear from your family.. but here's a glint of hope all right..??

We are all going through a change.. playing the game of "right and wrong" good and bad.. persecution and persecutor is going to one day be "un-expectable" and just "unthinkable"

I'm not saying this is tomorrow (well it, is! ) But it's coming..

You can go either way.. one thing that happens over time and being away from people that are negative is.. they learn how to appreciate you better when you come round'..

What I'm saying is.. don't think you leaving your family is permanent.. because then you're lying to yourself..

"When you say I never want to see them again or Never will see them again!" listen if you get a negative response from the emotional body.. the emotional self is telling you that's not true..

Back to that good news.. there is energy on the planet and a plan to bring BALANCE to the earth.. the game of unbalance and again "right and wrong" is ending.. it may well end within our lifetimes.. I'm not joking.. this may happen..

So if I were you I'd plan my "family" goodbyes with a possible reunion later on.. and the thing is the plan is not just to end the game.. it's to end the negativity and judgment.. so what I'm saying is when you come back in a probable future.. you may find your family completely different then you remember them.. and you may love who they've changed into.. because I'm saying clearly.. everyone on the planet is changing for the better whether they know it or not

[ssandra]

In case you do decide to move to Mexico City, let me know and we'll have a coffee sometime.

(I'm a 28 year old married woman, so no worries about being taken advantage off... )

[AaronB]

The how part is more of a logistics question. By foot, by bus, by car... Everything else is more or less irrelevant. I moved away for 10 years from my family. For a lot of time I wouldn't write or speak to them. Not out of turning them away, but because I didn't have anything to say to them. After time away eventually I wanted to reconnect and so I'm living with family now. Who knows where I'll be tomorrow? I never would have planned coming back, but here I am. For me moving away was the best thing I ever did, life brought me a lot of beautiful experiences. I got to experience everything the world has to offer. It's a beautiful world. But now there's nothing I need from it anymore. I got enough and am thoroughly satisfied. Moving away is like jumping into water. Your mindset about everything will change, so everything you decide now is still from the perspective of living at home. Be friendly with your family, ignore them for a few years, either is okay. For me time away is the only thing that got me out of the codependent way of relating to my family. I don't see any other way that I could have done it.

[Oso]

Originally Posted by ssandra

In case you do decide to move to Mexico City, let me know and we'll have a coffee sometime.

(I'm a 28 year old married woman, so no worries about being taken advantage off... )

lol alright then, thx for the offer