Excessive comparison

[Nikos Sokin]

OK, I'm in need of a great deal of wisdom right now!...

Full disclosure (feels like AA): I'm in my mid-30s and I need to learn the healthy WISE way of dealing with the kid inside me who is always comparing myself against others. Just now I Googled up a kid who took music lessons from the same teacher as I did--he was 12 when I finished high school. He's now a professor at Yale.

There are various reasons why I need to get a better attitude. First of all I hate the small mindness of feeling diminished every time people around me succeed. It's embarrassing, but I'm just being honest about what goes on inside me. I don't feel jelous per se, I just feel down about myself. I feel all my little daily struggles are so insignificant. I don't know where I got this tendency to admire and value people for their cleverness/smartness, but the result is I walk around feeling not good enough. It's extremely unhealthy.

Has anyone made headway on a similar tendency? Any advice and words of wisdom would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks.. I think what exacerbates this is that I find myself worried about not making a contribution that I value, it's that midlife crisis.

Thanks in advance...

[Keith]

A tip I've found useful from "Unlimited Power" from Anthony Robbins:

When you get a thought like that, mentally turn down its volume so that you don't hear it anymore.

[Michael Chui]

I would advice spending some time appreciating your own accomplishments and acknowledging their value to yourself or others. If you don't feel you have any, make some. Friends are useful for both.

[DarkSociologist]

For me, it's easy to get caught up in comparing myself to others. I see people accomplishing various things and I think to myself that I haven't really done anything special lately.

In order to remedy my situation, I bought a big glass jar from IKEA. When I feel that I have something important to do that will have a long term effect on my life (like put money in my IRA or write an article for my blog), then I write it on a post-it note and put it on my wall.

Once I finish that goal, then I take the post it, fold it up and place it into the jar. Since the jar is see-through, I can see my accomplishments actually building up.

When I'm doing this, it's very important to keep only a couple post its on the wall at a time. That way I don't feel overwhelmed and can focus on the few that need to be taken down. It is also important that the post-it notes contain an easily managable goal (such as study German for 1 hour, rather than learn German)

This system would actually work pretty well with GTD, except I get a little obsessive-compulsive when I create long term plans.

[Nikos Sokin]

for the comments, folks. I was having a crisis moment, when I just couldn't stop feeling acutely inferior. Such moments are physically painful, actually. As they seem to come and go, it seemed logical that a more fundamental shift was in order. Not sure how to extend to ones 'higher self' as Erin says...

[jacmac1]

I just feel down about myself. I feel all my little daily struggles are so insignificant. I walk around feeling not good enough

.


Is there someone in your childhood who implanted these negative tapes in your psyche?

Once you can appreciate yourself and your accomplishments; that is actually and truly feel good enough - what other's do will cease to matter.

I would concentrate on truly changing the relationship you have with yourself, how you think of yourself. Positive self-talk, you know.

Hope this helps.

[Lychee]

Nikos, there is no other person in the world like you. The path that you follow is not the same path someone else is following.

Comparison can be healthy. Comparing yourself to an ideal can help you identify your weaknesses so that you can improve yourself. But your childhood friend - do you want to be like him? Do you want to teach at a university? Who exactly do you want to be? If you find yourself worried about not making a contribution, think about what you want to contribute. Do you have any skills which can benefit your friends/family/society?

Life hasn't ended for you; you've just hit a bump in the road. If you are still breathing, you still have a chance at doing something that you want to do. You've made it this far, who's to say you can't go further?

[bellbird]

Nikos Sokin, I understand your feelings. I've got two brothers who are 8 and 10 years older then me. I'm the baby sister They went to University wheras I decided to get a Bachelor degree in Fine Arts. One brother works as the head of an Intensive care unit and the other is an IT specialist with several businesses and travelling the globe. I have owned my own business for 3 years in Holland and am working towards setting one up here again in New Zealand. Currently I am employed as a branch manager.

I knew when I was about 6 yearsl old that I wanted to grow up learning how to draw well and to be very creative. After feeling for years and years that I was chasing to get to the same ambitious level of my talented family members (dad is a very succesful sollicitor and business advisor, mum writes poetry professionally and has her own publishing b) I realised about a year ago that it was ok for me to be myself and to do entirely different things. I think that by appreciating my own unique talents and to emigrate to New Zealand was paramount in shaking off that inferior baby kid syndrome I was struggling with. You know, it's bloody tiring to compare yourself to others . Also: it's not contributing anything to stay in that 'mode'.

I congratulate anyone now who chooses to rise to their dreams and as they say here in NZ 'have a go'. Fly up Nikos and celebrate your own talents! There's nothing like it. All the best to you. I wish you well. May my story be of any help yo you.

[Thomas Jensen]

This is interesting stuff. I personally don't worry too much about people who have 'made it' in establishment positions. Somebody could be the head of a pharmaceutical company, or a professor, but their opinions and attitudes are stilled owned by somebody else. It's a similar problem with MBAs. Why spend 18 months of your life, to work out how to make somebody else's business more successful? And then have to stick with them for 5 more years to pay off the cost of studying for the MBA in the first place?!!!

What about all the scientists who can't get funding because they refuse to believe that carbion dioxide is the cause of global warming? They are sticking to what they believe is true, and the progress in their field could be suffering because the money is flowing down from the establishment to the people who are willing to follow the establishment line for a decent regular wage.

Until people learn to open their hearts to the people around them, and care about people regardless of superficial wins or failures, then they can't be considered successes in the real meaning of the term.

[DarkSociologist]

Originally Posted by Thomas Jensen

It's a similar problem with MBAs. Why spend 18 months of your life, to work out how to make somebody else's business more successful? And then have to stick with them for 5 more years to pay off the cost of studying for the MBA in the first place?!!!

Most people get an MBA because they don't like their current job anymore and want to switch. An MBA provides them with a key to switch, without having to start from the bottom.

I, on the other hand, am getting my MBA for the experience. I am learning skills on how to organize my company and to make better business decisions. I am leveraging the experience of others to accelerate my growth.

But yes, success is a subjective term. If your goals are misaligned with the goals of society, then you will have a hard time being considered a "success." It is more important to find out what is important to you, rather than listen to what people are telling you is important.

[Susie]

Usually when I get a feeling of envy or inferiority, it's because that person is doing what I really would like to be doing. I think that experiencing those feelings helps me to identify just what it is I really want to do in life.

When you get those feelings, take a moment and think about if that really is what you'd want to do. If not, you know you can discard those negative feelings of envy, etc. If it IS what you really want to do, start taking steps to do it.

Also it was helpful for me to think of those people who made me feel envious or what have you and list what I liked/admired about them and try to focus on that. I actually kind of meditated on it, thinking about the person who triggered those feelings in me until the envy/inferiority shifted into one simply of admiration and a feeling of genuine happiness for their success. I also reminded myself that just because they've had success doesn't mean I won't-- there's enough to go around.

That's what works for me to shift out of those kinds of feelings and to almost see them as a good thing since it can be a signal as to what I want to do in life or qualities I'd like to develop in myself.

[Thomas Jensen]

I agree DarkSociologist, that's the point I was trying to convey. The most important thing for the entrepreneur is that THEY are the ones who decide what is important. The rules are set internally rather than from coming from the outside.

[Breakaway]

I'm like that too....but instead of feeling down, I have forced myself compete and push myself towards my own goals.