Compassionate way to handle abusive boss?

[Velvet]

I have been working for a very difficult man for 2 years now, and although the situation has gotten better in recent months, he just had a relapse yesterday and I'm still angry and confused.

He is rude, belittling, condescending, and very moody. I am not the only person he treats badly, but I am pretty sure that other people have learned how not to let it get to them, and I just haven't. This guy's wrath turns me to jelly and in the moment I can barely speak, much less defend myself.

I've EFT'd, Byron Katie'd, and asked my Abe-Hicksian "manager" to take care of the situation, and it seemed to be working, but somehow, yesterday's relapse has let me feeling discouraged and let down, like "what's wrong with me that this is still happening? And what can I do on my side to prevent this from happening again?"

I've spoken with him about it--"when you use that tone of voice, I feel unappreciated and talked-down to," etc. and that has made no discernable diference--if anything I think it just annoys him and makes him despise me more.

B.t.w.., part of this guy's evil genius is that he never quite crosses the line into anything illegal or actionable--he doesn't swear or raise his voice or call anyone names, he just makes everyone feel de-motivated and like crap. The HR people have been told about this by other people, but they've, afaik, done nothing.

ANY advice would be much appreciated! From any angle--spiritual, social, NLP, psychological, etc.

Thanks!

[Michelle]

Such people need to have clear boundaries set for them, else they will run all over you like a truck. However, it is not your place to teach him how to behave as a human being. That was his mommy's job.

Have compassion with yourself first. Do whatever you need to do to ensure you have a safe and professional working environment to work in. Go to his boss and register a formal complaint, write down your complaint factually including examples of what has take place even if you feel nothing crosses line (do this as unemotionally as possible) and of what changes you expect to take place.

Belittling you, being rude, condascending and moody have no place in the workplace and are legitimate complaints.

[Steve Pavlina]

Fire him... with compassion.

[Velvet]

Thanks, Michelle and Steve, these are both helpful suggestions.

[pagaster]

Speaking from an NLP perspective...
No one can make you feel any certian way - you have to give that person the power. Keep in mind, YOU are in charge of your own emotions.

What meaning are you attaching to that tone of voice? Just think about this for a second. Have you heard that tone of voice before from someone else? That may be a reason you turn to "jelly" rather than just get angry for example. I would venture to guess other people react differently to him as well. Each person has their own frame of reference to that kind of behavior.

One way to elicit a different reaction in yourself is to ask "what else could this mean?" What could be some reasons he talks this way to people? Really take a minute on this one. If you can think of other possible reasons he does this, it could change your reaction to it. If he's doing it because of "x", then you might react with simpathy for example. And to take this one step further, if your reaction to him changes, he might also change in response to that too.

I agree with other posts, this situation is terrible and doesn't belong in a workplace. It's too bad he feels the need to treat people badly. But you can change your reaction to it and probably lower your stress level too.

[Velvet]

Pam--thank you. Food for thought (and behavior!)

[Cat Dancer]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Fire him... with compassion.

I'll go with Steve on this one. The job of a boss or a manager is to help you work effectively. If your boss or manager is not doing a good job, find a different one. After all, there are hundreds of millions of bosses and managers in the world, there are plenty to choose from.

^_^

Cat

[Acting Like Godot]

You know, IIRC, Jose Silva actually has an IM exercise on dealing with difficult bosses. It has got to do with mentally visualising meetings with your boss, where things goes exactly the way you want it to go.

And then .... like magic .... it happens.

[iry]

hi Velvet,

Can you share what are the actions you gonna do as even though I read the suggestions given, there are still very abstract for me.. ... still can't grap the meaning behind these suggestions...

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by iry

hi Velvet,

Can you share what are the actions you gonna do as even though I read the suggestions given, there are still very abstract for me.. ... still can't grap the meaning behind these suggestions...

Hi Iry:

The actions I'm taking: I keep a journal at work for various notes, and in that journal I am going to mark down the date, time, and content of any of his outbursts. Not cuz I want to dwell on it, but so when the time comes, I can tell someone, "Here's exactly what this guy said/did." (Hopefully at my exit interview).

I'm not going to go to his boss just yet, because my intuition is that his boss is also a bad manager and has not dealt with this situation when it's come up for other people.

(Although I may be wrong)

Next, I have been simply raising my energy about the whole topic--finding the humor in it, finding the universality of it, and really trying to be objective. I know he's not evil, he just doesn't know any better. My power here is that I understand the situation in a way that he never could, and I have the support of many people.

Meanwhile, in visualizing my next job, I know enough to include "safe, respectful, professional environment."

And I'm taking steps to forgive myself or all the times in the past that I didn't put up a boundary with people like him--and there have been many, including my dad.

[Cat Dancer]

Originally Posted by Velvet

in that journal I am going to mark down the date, time, and content of any of his outbursts. Not cuz I want to dwell on it, but so when the time comes, I can tell someone, "Here's exactly what this guy said/did."

Hey Velvet, I think you're doing great! I do have a reaction that I think you're still spending too much attention and energy on this guy.

If you're baking a birthday cake, and you go to mix in the milk, and you find that the milk has gone sour, you can precisely record in your journal exactly how sour the milk smells to you, what consistency it has now, the color of the mold... but none of that is going to help you finish the cake! Run down to the store and buy some more milk.

And why do I care that I think that you're paying too much attention to this guy? Probably it means I pay too much attention to negative things in my own life, so I have something to meditate on now myself ^_^

[Michael Chui]

I just found this news bit that looks relevant.

5 Ways To Know When It's Time To Find Another Job - Management Technology News by InformationWeek

[iry]

Hi Velvet,

Thanks for sharing. I am in some kind of similar situation and I hope that I can raise my energy level about this matter like you. In the end, if I can handle this situation well, I will give myself a BIG high Five!! Haha!!

**High Five 2 U**

Originally Posted by Velvet

Hi Iry:

The actions I'm taking: I keep a journal at work for various notes, and in that journal I am going to mark down the date, time, and content of any of his outbursts. Not cuz I want to dwell on it, but so when the time comes, I can tell someone, "Here's exactly what this guy said/did." (Hopefully at my exit interview).

I'm not going to go to his boss just yet, because my intuition is that his boss is also a bad manager and has not dealt with this situation when it's come up for other people.

(Although I may be wrong)

Next, I have been simply raising my energy about the whole topic--finding the humor in it, finding the universality of it, and really trying to be objective. I know he's not evil, he just doesn't know any better. My power here is that I understand the situation in a way that he never could, and I have the support of many people.

Meanwhile, in visualizing my next job, I know enough to include "safe, respectful, professional environment."

And I'm taking steps to forgive myself or all the times in the past that I didn't put up a boundary with people like him--and there have been many, including my dad.

[Velvet]

@Michael: Interesting article--thanks! Almost all of those items apply to my current job!

@Iry: Keep us posted on your journey! I will give you a virtual high-five just fir being willing to change your attitude and situation.