Abandonment issues??

[mae]

I need help. I'm struggling bigtime today over a breakup. Everything I read states that the inability to move on after a breakup is more than likely due to abandonment issues from childhood. As much as I search my brain, I cannot find out why I would have unresolved abandonment issues from childhood.

My parents would most definitely be considered alcoholics, although I remember my dad as being very high functioning with his while my mom was not. I did have some very tumultuous year with her but I remember those as being from early teen through the rest of my teen years. They are both deceased now.

I'm currently 44 and got married at the ripe old age of 19. I was married for almost 10 years, 3 kids, when my ex had an affair with his best friend's wife which ended our marriage. It was torture for me but I can honestly say, looking back, the divorce was the best thing for me personally but not for my kids.

I then had a 4 year relationship with a drug/alcohol addict who was also abusive. It took a few restraining orders to get out of it but I finally did.

I then went into a relationship, off and on for 10 years. The off times were also due to infidelity and we are currently split, hopefully for the last time. Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Since I initiated the break up, why do I even care? I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I am the one feeling like crap. It's not like this guy really has much to offer anyone.

I'm sure I've left a lot of important info out of this post, so please feel free to ask questions.

Could it be abandonment issues even though I've never felt abandoned?

Could the issues go back to having alcoholic parents even though I always felt loved?

Could it just be low self esteem?

Any suggestions/ideas on how to change these beliefs so I can move on?

I feel really stuck!

Thank you all so much for your help!

[James81]

It's good to see you come out with a thread like this. It means you're still searching and reaching for answers. If you look for something, most of the time you'll find it.

The question I pitch to you is this...can you think of a situation with your alcoholic parents that might be the source for what you are feeling today? Something that felt traumatic to you? Want to explore the feelings surrounding that situation?

[Criseyde]

I don't know if I'm positive that having trouble moving on is always because of abandonment issues, but I can definitely see how having alcoholic parents WOULD cause abandonment issues. Even if your parents were always there physically, were they there emotionally? Did you ever feel like they were prioritizing their drinking over you?

I think it's pretty normal to feel some sadness over a relationship ending, even if you initiated it. I've initiated every single breakup I've ever had, but I was still sad about all of them (can't say I don't have abandonment issues, buuut I get over breakups the fastest out of everyone I can compare myself to, so..). Even if the person is a total jerk and you're 10000x better off without them, they aren't the only thing gone -- you also have to mourn over the relationship itself, and whatever it meant to you. For most people, this process takes some time.

How long ago did you break up?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by mae

Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Since I initiated the break up, why do I even care? I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I am the one feeling like crap. It's not like this guy really has much to offer anyone.

Maybe you just haven't learned to be your own best friend. Do you need someone else in your life to validate you? Was this guy just a presence to make you feel worthy of someone - anyone?

Perhaps now that he's gone, you feel empty because of the need for validation. It that's the case, a lack of self-esteem is indeed part of the problem. There's no time like the present to start exploring these issues. Best of luck to you!

[mae]

James -- Thanks! And thanks for the gentle nudges. You know, I've been trying and trying, digging as deep as I can and I can find nothing in my past, BEFORE my divorce, that would cause this feeling. As far as I could always tell, my parents were happily married and their lives pretty much revolved around us. I do want to explore the feelings but I can't seem to find any specific instances.

Something just occurred to me...My dad was married before he married my mom. His first wife died at the age of 33 from a heart attack. He had 4 kids, ranging in from 3-10 or so. Then he met my mom, married her and had my brother and I. There is an 18 year age gap between me and the oldest sibling and a 10 year age gap between the youngest of the original 4 and me. I do know that my oldest brother (the oldest of all) never accepted my mom and never really participated in the family when I was young. He got married when I was 3. Out of the oldest 4, I am closest to the only other girl who is 15 years older than me. I don't know if this has any bearing on anything but I thought I should throw it out there. Could I have issues from any of that? I don't think I do.

Criseyed -- I never felt like they prioritized their drinking over me. I always remember feeling loved but I do remember hating bedtime because that was always when my mom was her drunkest. She would stay up all night and get drunk alone, even after my dad went to bed.

I know I have to mourn but this seems excessive. Why would I even care about him after all that he has done? I can't grasp that part at all. I know it's only been about 3 months but it has been in the works for months before that.

ZHereford -- Again, I don't think I need outside validation. I've never been one to bask in the limelight. Actually, I hate pictures, I hate being the center of attention. I know I have self esteem issues but how do I get to the bottom of them? Where are they coming from and how do I fix them? Do I really need to find out where they are coming from or can I fix them with just generally knowing where they come from? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I actually like living alone (well, except for my younger daughter) so it's not like I have to have someone, anyone. I just want to feel good and be happy! Yo, Angela..........

Thanks to all of you for helping me work through this.

I'm open to any and all suggestions.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by mae

Again, I don't think I need outside validation. I've never been one to bask in the limelight. Actually, I hate pictures, I hate being the center of attention. I know I have self esteem issues but how do I get to the bottom of them? Where are they coming from and how do I fix them? Do I really need to find out where they are coming from or can I fix them with just generally knowing where they come from? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Mae, by validation I didn't mean that you need outside attention, or to be the center of attention. I mean it in the sense of having to have a guy in your life to 'confirm' your worthiness. There are some men and women who need someone in their lives regardless of whether the relationship is good, or not, because they're afraid of being alone. It sounds like that isn't the case with you. Based on what you've written, it's hard to tell why you feel this way. You must miss something, but what that could possibly be is hard to tell. Maybe you miss having a relationship.

[mae]

Okay, so after I typed my last post, the following things came to mind:

I remember, as a child, being really ashamed of our house. We had an inground pool, a pool table, pinball machines, etc. and my parents were always the cool parents of the neighborhood. But the house itself was a piece of crap. My dad, bless his heart, could fix anything but it was always just rigged, if you know what I mean. Nothing was ever updated...paneling on the walls, yellow and brown really old carpeting etc. I remember kids in my classes always wanting to come to my house but I was always so ashamed.

I went to a Catholic grade school through grade 8 and I remember always wondering if my mom was going to be there to pick us up on time. I remember wondering if she would wake up from her drunken stupor the night before to be there for my brother and me. I don't remember her ever being really late but I do remember always being nervous about it.

I also was overweight by the time I reached 7th grade. I lost the weight between my freshman and junior year but I remember my dad always harping on my brother and I about being fat and making jokes about it. I've been very conscious of my weight ever since.

Could any of these things be the root?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by mae

Okay, so after I typed my last post, the following things came to mind:

I remember, as a child, being really ashamed of our house. We had an inground pool, a pool table, pinball machines, etc. and my parents were always the cool parents of the neighborhood. But the house itself was a piece of crap. My dad, bless his heart, could fix anything but it was always just rigged, if you know what I mean. Nothing was ever updated...paneling on the walls, yellow and brown really old carpeting etc. I remember kids in my classes always wanting to come to my house but I was always so ashamed.

I went to a Catholic grade school through grade 8 and I remember always wondering if my mom was going to be there to pick us up on time. I remember wondering if she would wake up from her drunken stupor the night before to be there for my brother and me. I don't remember her ever being really late but I do remember always being nervous about it.

I also was overweight by the time I reached 7th grade. I lost the weight between my freshman and junior year but I remember my dad always harping on my brother and I about being fat and making jokes about it. I've been very conscious of my weight ever since. Could any of these things be the root?

If you mean do they contribute to a lack of self-esteem? Probably. It all depends on how you processed these circumstances. If they made you feel 'less' than normal, or bad about yourself, it all contributed to the development of your self-image. Hopefully, you can balance this with the fun things that happened back then - the kids loving your house etc.