How to control your emotions better?

[BRisky]

I have recognized that I have a problem with controlling my emotions. Example, when someone is unfair to me I seem to blow it out of proportion in my mind and freak out. If I'm really upset and I'm driving then I'll drive my car like a maniac. I fight with my girlfriend and freak out and drive when I shouldn't be driving.

I always blow it off and tell myself I'm going to do better next time, but I don't

What are some techniques I can use to practice controlling my emotions now so when something I consider negative does happen I have better control of myself?

Meditation, breathing techniques, etc.. Throw them all out there. What works for you?

[ssandra]

What worked for me is to realize the thought behind it and then choosing a different perspective.

This takes A LOT of practice (at least it did for me) but now I can do it almost instantly.

In the beginning you might want to first train yourself to ask for and take a "time out" to collect your thoughts and choosing a different perspective.

As an example of how I do it:

Normally when my husband "pushes me away" not literally but emotionally, I would get very sad about it, and angry at him. That would lead to shouting and screaming and fights.

Just a few days ago, it happened again. Before what would go through my mind would be something like this "Why doesn't he want to be with me, why does he push me away? He doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't like being with me. He doesn't think I'm worthy of spending time with. But I am, I am his wife. How dare he react to me like that? etc."

Now what goes through my mind is: "he's pushing me away. Ok. I'll leave him alone. He is just very busy right now with work. Remember yesterday when he was so nice and friendly? That was great! I'll give him some space and get him something to drink and eat, and I'm sure he'll feel better soon!"

So, instead of screaming and fighting, I actually felt a great overflow of emotion of love and gave him something to drink and eat and left him alone for the rest.

And after a while he came to me apologizing for being so busy. To which I could honestly answer "That's ok. I understand, don't worry about it. I'm happy you feel better and I'm here for you".

[Gals]

HI Brisky,

I'm also quite guilty of that one sometimes. Especially, when someone teases me and I don't like the joke, I can get defensive at times and I try to counter attack that person.

Aside from meditation, etc. I think you have to know how to deal with your temper--your anger. You may need some anger management classes, and be more patient.

[BRisky]

Originally Posted by ssandra

What worked for me is to realize the thought behind it and then choosing a different perspective.

This takes A LOT of practice (at least it did for me) but now I can do it almost instantly.

In the beginning you might want to first train yourself to ask for and take a "time out" to collect your thoughts and choosing a different perspective.

As an example of how I do it:

Normally when my husband "pushes me away" not literally but emotionally, I would get very sad about it, and angry at him. That would lead to shouting and screaming and fights.

Just a few days ago, it happened again. Before what would go through my mind would be something like this "Why doesn't he want to be with me, why does he push me away? He doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't like being with me. He doesn't think I'm worthy of spending time with. But I am, I am his wife. How dare he react to me like that? etc."

Now what goes through my mind is: "he's pushing me away. Ok. I'll leave him alone. He is just very busy right now with work. Remember yesterday when he was so nice and friendly? That was great! I'll give him some space and get him something to drink and eat, and I'm sure he'll feel better soon!"

So, instead of screaming and fighting, I actually felt a great overflow of emotion of love and gave him something to drink and eat and left him alone for the rest.

And after a while he came to me apologizing for being so busy. To which I could honestly answer "That's ok. I understand, don't worry about it. I'm happy you feel better and I'm here for you".

That makes sense. Thanks, that actually does help. I'm going to think of all the situations where something like this happens and look for a different perspective on them NOW, so when it happens I have already prepared it in my mind.

Originally Posted by Gals

HI Brisky,

I'm also quite guilty of that one sometimes. Especially, when someone teases me and I don't like the joke, I can get defensive at times and I try to counter attack that person.

Aside from meditation, etc. I think you have to know how to deal with your temper--your anger. You may need some anger management classes, and be more patient.

Starting today I'm going to meditate for 10-20 minutes twice a day. I just finished meditating a little bit ago actually and the feeling I was left with is great. I'm not sure that anger management classes would help any more than info I can find on the net. Patience is something I could DEFINITELY work on.

[TiffyLove]

What I recommend is finding a handful of techniques that work for you. And practice them as often as possible in "minor" emotions.

Here is what I mean. I use "The Work" by Byron Katie, A technique Wayne Dyer described as seeing the word G O D when you close your eyes for a second and then just seeing the O, as you are infinite, and I also use a quick grounding visual.

But you have to find what works for you. You also need to remember to use them. That is why I suggest doing them with minor feelings first. Traffic, rude person, hit your toe, etc.. I have found the more I practice in small "annoyances" the more over time I can do it with more and more intense emotions.

I have not been able to practice the techniques yet with emotions that are still extremely powerful for me, like my close relationships, or anything I am truly passionate about but I can see myself automatically using the techniques more and more with bigger and bigger emotions.

It's with anything else, you are training the mind. Whenever you feel ANY stress or ANY discomfort of any kind, you take your technique and practice it. Over time it becomes a habit and you won't even realize you are doing it.

With Byron Katie's "The Work" for instance the first step is to question the thought you are thinking that is causing the stress. With a simple question "Is that true?" Immediately the charge of the emotion drops some. And like I said the more I consciously choose to practice it, the more my brain seems to automatically do it when I start getting uncomfortable.

I hope this might help you a bit.

Just remember every time you are giving into any emotions that are not supporting you and causing you negative feelings you are giving it power. An easy way to look at for me is: If weeds are the negative and limiting beliefs that cause us pain and struggle then flowers are the positive and supporting beliefs that we want to have which promote happiness, peace, and joy. So anytime you catch yourself in a negative emotion and you decide to allow it to take you away, you are watering your weeds.

Choose to water your flowers and find some techniques that work for you.

Good luck.

[Eduard E]

Hey man,

Are you familiar with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)? I think some of the techniques there will definitely help you. Not only to manage your emotions in the moment, but also to change your habitual emotional reactions.

The main idea is to become aware of your internal dialog in these moments, learn to identify irrational thinking and to dispute it. It's not at easy as just breathing deep or something like that, but I believe it's worth learning this, because of the long term benefits.

Here's my take on CBT: The ultimate tool for managing your emotions |People Skills Decoded

[BRisky]

Originally Posted by TiffyLove

What I recommend is finding a handful of techniques that work for you. And practice them as often as possible in "minor" emotions.

Here is what I mean. I use "The Work" by Byron Katie, A technique Wayne Dyer described as seeing the word G O D when you close your eyes for a second and then just seeing the O, as you are infinite, and I also use a quick grounding visual.

But you have to find what works for you. You also need to remember to use them. That is why I suggest doing them with minor feelings first. Traffic, rude person, hit your toe, etc.. I have found the more I practice in small "annoyances" the more over time I can do it with more and more intense emotions.

I have not been able to practice the techniques yet with emotions that are still extremely powerful for me, like my close relationships, or anything I am truly passionate about but I can see myself automatically using the techniques more and more with bigger and bigger emotions.

It's with anything else, you are training the mind. Whenever you feel ANY stress or ANY discomfort of any kind, you take your technique and practice it. Over time it becomes a habit and you won't even realize you are doing it.

With Byron Katie's "The Work" for instance the first step is to question the thought you are thinking that is causing the stress. With a simple question "Is that true?" Immediately the charge of the emotion drops some. And like I said the more I consciously choose to practice it, the more my brain seems to automatically do it when I start getting uncomfortable.

I hope this might help you a bit.

Just remember every time you are giving into any emotions that are not supporting you and causing you negative feelings you are giving it power. An easy way to look at for me is: If weeds are the negative and limiting beliefs that cause us pain and struggle then flowers are the positive and supporting beliefs that we want to have which promote happiness, peace, and joy. So anytime you catch yourself in a negative emotion and you decide to allow it to take you away, you are watering your weeds.

Choose to water your flowers and find some techniques that work for you.

Good luck.

Thanks, I really like the weeds/flower that makes since. Every time I allow negativity to happen, I encourage it to happen in the future. Every time I am flowing with positivity, I encourage it to happen more in the future.

Originally Posted by Eduard E

Hey man,

Are you familiar with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)? I think some of the techniques there will definitely help you. Not only to manage your emotions in the moment, but also to change your habitual emotional reactions.

The main idea is to become aware of your internal dialog in these moments, learn to identify irrational thinking and to dispute it. It's not at easy as just breathing deep or something like that, but I believe it's worth learning this, because of the long term benefits.

Here's my take on CBT: The ultimate tool for managing your emotions |People Skills Decoded

I'm checking out the library today to see if they have books on this. Would you recommend the for dummies book? Amazon.com: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook For Dummies (9780470517017):…

I also have a problem that I think is related to controlling my emotions. I have a seperate thread on it here. Please help. Putting my girlfriend above my whole life.
If anyone has advice on that PLEASE share!

[Eduard E]

The for the dummies book is OK. What I recommend is anything by David Burns or Albert Ellis, and especially this book: Amazon.com: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated (9780380810338): David D.…

David Burns also has one book which is more focused on CBT for relationships, and I think it will definitely help for your GF thing: Amazon.com: Intimate Connections (9780451148452): David D. Burns: Books