A Difference that Makes a Difference

[Angela]

Whoa, my thoughts are a bit squirmy and a-jumble, so please bear with me as I talk this outside the bones of my head....

I've been joyfully watching as several people here in the forums desire breakthrough results for themselves and for the world... with varying results, some astonishingly, movingly, inspiringly soaring, really creating for themselves and for others their highest heart's desires -- like James, Ssandra, rei....... and there are several people who I see on a dynamic trajectory towards breakthrough results, some who are beginning to look and move, and some who have desire but aren't really getting anywhere. Threads like the YES thread are popping up, people appear to be opening themselves up to new possibilities, and I'm totally inspired by it all!

There are a couple of areas in my life that I'd like to have breakthrough results -- abundance and vitality. I've been looking this morning at the specific difference in what these different people are being, that their results are so varied.

And then just now I said, "I used to believe my pushiness was a bad thing" -- and I recognized that that belief isn't quite as "used to" as I'd like it to be. What I see making a huge difference in the quality of the results for James, Ssandra, rei, Tanja, and some others is what looks to me like rocket-fuel super-dynamo-willingness -- a kind of bold, wild, crazy, sexy, creative receptiveness that reminds me of a hot superhero.

The other day I was thinking about who my role models are (thanks, Zach!): Richard Branson and Oprah Winfrey, because of that very hot superhero bold wild crazy sexy creative receptiveness quality!

And then there's some other people who have been kind of shying away from or completely avoiding that heat, and wondering why they're not really getting the results they want -- and I am one of those people. Urrghhhh. I am Rockchick -- the one thing that I could do to generate breakthrough results in the areas of abundance and vitality and I have not been generating it.

Like Ssandra -- she CHOSE a breakthrough -- she said, I'm gonna get the money together and then I'm gonna do a session with Angela. But something within her said, why wait? and she went ahead and just ASKED -- hey, Angela, this is what I've got, what can we do for that? and I said YES, we can find a way to get you the results you want for that. If she hadn't asked, I wouldn't have even thought to offer -- and she was in great rapport with me already so that helped. Relationships! Baby, that's where it's at!

Tanja, too, overcame her reluctance to "butt in" to someone else's thread, because she saw someone generating what she wanted to generate for herself and for the world, and she just went ahead and barged! And now she's on a rocket-fueled trajectory to getting what she wants. Don't you LOVE it?

And James -- I don't even know what happened there. I'm just blinded by the brilliant flash of light as he moves at lightning velocity.

And everyone is paying it forward -- everyone's hunting gremlins, and lending a hand to others who want those results. Oh, goodness, I'm tearing up ... just a sec.....

I invented the possibility of Being Limitless Courage the other day, and I think that was the booster shot I needed to get here, feeling like my toes are on the edge of the diving board... and there's more ... there's something I'm not seeing yet, and I'm ready to jump and see what's out there, and I'm afraid, too. Very afraid.

But I don't want to be pushy, cuz that would be bad. And I am pushy, and that's bad, and that means that I am.......

Pushy. No WONDER I'm not pushing myself like Oprah Branson. That would be bad. It's not bad of them, for some reason -- but I have judged others for being pushy. I am pushy, and that's bad, and that means that I am.......

[Piercetheveil]

interesting. I once was less pushy because I didn't want to be seen as pushy (ie what I really was). That got me lots of friends (um acquaintances that did not last) because I was ever so likable. It also got me a screwed up brain and inner person because this other dude wanted out but he was caged.

The cost (at least the hard number monetary one) was around mid seven figures and that is all hard money events that I did not do because well I would have had to be pushy (which I was just hid it).

Yes, barged in on your thread. It just jogged one of many memories of bait and switch with myself.

[Angela]

....and that means that I have to hide.

I feel like I'm speaking into the void, into an empty room. Hello? Hellllllooooooo.....

I was a very little girl, and I walked outside on a sunny day wearing a white dress, and a neighbor got this horrified look on his face and told me he could see right through my dress. He said, "You should be ashamed. You need to go right back inside and change." (I can sort of see the humor in what I did with that. )

Uuuurghhhh. That's a VERY familiar feeling. I kind of have a glimpse of my dad... hiding from him so I wouldn't have to pay the price of getting trapped by him. After all that time and effort my mom spent trying to have a baby girl, and this is what he gets? A daughter who hides and skulks, cuz the price is too high. Was it worth it? I don't think so. Less than worth it.

I'm hiding cuz I'm less than worth it. I'm worth less than worthless -- I'm a value deficit.

I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

Gawd. That is really familiar! I can hear it in my mind's ear -- someone must have actually said that to me. You're more trouble than you're worth.

Not too long ago, I got pretty reactivated here when the moderators told me that I'm more trouble than I'm worth -- I'm a value deficit. I coped with the serious hurt of that by hiding, and then I pushed through out of hiding. That's what I do, I push through and then I hide. Hey! No wonder I got a hernia. That is so Louise Hay of me.

Arghhh. That one is really resonating, I know, because I'm terrified you are going to agree -- I AM more trouble than I'm worth. I think I'll go hide now.

[Angela]

Oh, Piercetheveil, I'm so glad you showed up -- I was feeling a little alone there. Thanks!

[Sasha]

Being pushy is a bad thing? I am in trouble.

[Sasha]

I am confused. This post is so very different from your other posts that I am tempted to ask if you are testing us??
I cannot belief that anyone would tell you that you are a value deficit. Seriously?
You have value. You are smart and compassionate. That's more than most people can do. So you're not pushy; big deal. You can learn that. Maybe there is someone you know that has that quality and can teach you. You know, do what Ssandra did; ASK.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Sasha

I am confused. This post is so very different from your other posts that I am tempted to ask if you are testing us??
I cannot belief that anyone would tell you that you are a value deficit. Seriously?
You have value. You are smart and compassionate. That's more than most people can do. So you're not pushy; big deal. You can learn that. Maybe there is someone you know that has that quality and can teach you. You know, do what Ssandra did; ASK.

That's what I'm trying to do here, to ask. Thank you for answering, and for the kind words. I'm not testing you. I'm just looking at some gunk that has been very unconscious for a very long time, and it hurts. I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for, except maybe a generous ear and some feedback?

That's a good question, who has that quality and can teach me? Hmmmm.

And yes, seriously -- I'd have to look back, but I believe those were the very words used: "You're more trouble than you're worth."

[ZHereford]

Hi Angela,

How are you pushy? To me there is aggressively pursuing your goals and then there's obnoxious pushy, as in trampling over other people to get what you want.

Also, I've to have experienced many, many, embarrassing moments such as you describe (the see-through dress), however, I see them as just that 'embarrassing moments' rather than any statement about my worthiness.

I'm not sure I get what your break-through moment might entail. Sorry, if I seem obtuse, but I believe I'm missing your point. Can you elaborate? Thanks.

[rei]

Hrm, Angela, I love that you are sharing here while you're in this space - very bold, honest, love it!

I am wondering - is there anything around surrender and trust for you, regarding generating your desired results about abundance and vitality? Or deserving?

Or... wait a sec... I have a feeling you want to direct this for yourself

(Hehe, here I am mirroring your attitude about/fear of being pushy )

I personally see something here for you in the area of - *receiving* - actually choosing a "less active" way of being, that can support desired results related to abundance and vitality. Something about the feminine energy (yin, I mean) and perhaps belief(s) associated with that state of receiving - is any of this resonating?

Do you want me to hush and let you get back to getting clarity on this without the hands-on stuff from me? Either way, I'm grateful to be a witness again

I love that you generated the possibility of being courage when I could witness it, and I love that I have another opportunity to see this fantastic, instant shifting you do.

Ya know, I was just thinking about you earlier... about a possible difference between us, our respective presences on here. I see myself asking for support more, sharing in that vulnerable space - whether the vulnerability comes through or not, I feel it pretty much every time I ask for support. (In the time I've been here, I can only recall two posts like this from you, one is this one and the other was when you were asking generally about what message others wanted to deliver, where your spiritual supports/unconscious mind encouraged you to ask others. Perhaps there's been more than those two but those are the only ones I remember.) I guess my perception of you has been one where you seem more focused than I am on being *strong* (in a so-no-one-can-hurt-me kind of way, though it does come through in a genuine way also).

And for the record, I think one reason it enters my field of perception is because I spent so much time being that too - and I still slip into it occasionally. This is subjective evaluation, how I perceive you, in case the feedback will help in some way. (I guess, to be a bit more specific, it feels less like completely and utterly "happening to be" that strong, and it feels more like "needing" to appear that way, if that makes sense. It's very subtle, but the difference is there, in how you appear for me. Only you can know whether there's anything to that, though.)

I have no idea if the above 2 paragraphs are going to help you, or not, but it felt appropriate to share so I hope it will

Like you, I've also really enjoyed all the inspiration popping up! And I am thrilled, disarmed, amazed, and titillated by you and your explorations Big warm hugggles and kudos to you, awesome woman!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Hi Angela,

How are you pushy? To me there is aggressively pursuing your goals and then there's obnoxious pushy, as in trampling over other people to get what you want.

Also, I've to have experienced many, many, embarrassing moments such as you describe (the see-through dress), however, I see them as just that 'embarrassing moments' rather than any statement about my worthiness.

I'm not sure I get what your break-through moment might entail. Sorry, if I seem obtuse, but I believe I'm missing your point. Can you elaborate? Thanks.

I'm not sure I get what my breakthrough moment might entail either, ZHereford. But I know I'm committed to having one. I'm feeling a bit obtuse myself. I'm just working this through *out loud* here -- and seeing something I've been believing about myself for a long time. Something that has been unconscious has just come to my consciousness.

I'm seeing a limiting belief -- a little gremlin -- that has had me very stopped in getting results. I've been trying to prove that I'm not more trouble than I'm worth and at the same time trying to avoid people finding out that I AM more trouble than I'm worth. I'm exhausted just saying that.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Angela

feeling like my toes are on the edge of the diving board... and there's more ... there's something I'm not seeing yet, and I'm ready to jump and see what's out there, and I'm afraid, too.

This….this …..exactly! This is how I’ve been feeling! But couldn’t find the right words….


And what do you mean by pushy?
Pushing yourself?
Pushy towards others?

Originally Posted by Angela

I AM more trouble than I'm worth

Does being pushy mean you’re trouble?

Has being pushy been worth it sometimes?

Wishing you a breakthrough soon

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Angela

I'm not sure I get what my breakthrough moment might entail either, ZHereford. But I know I'm committed to having one. I'm feeling a bit obtuse myself. I'm just working this through *out loud* here -- and seeing something I've been believing about myself for a long time. Something that has been unconscious has just come to my consciousness.

That makes sense; when we put stuff out there, a revelation is bound to surface.

I'm seeing a limiting belief -- a little gremlin -- that has had me very stopped in getting results. I've been trying to prove that I'm not more trouble than I'm worth and at the same time trying to avoid people finding out that I AM more trouble than I'm worth. I'm exhausted just saying that.

Angela, I've read and shared ideas with you for over three years now and there is NO way you could possibly be more trouble than you're worth! You are a generous contributor, insightful commentator, refreshingly candid, and most helpful. We should all be this much trouble!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by rei

I am wondering - is there anything around surrender and trust for you, regarding generating your desired results about abundance and vitality? Or deserving?

Or... wait a sec... I have a feeling you want to direct this for yourself

(Hehe, here I am mirroring your attitude about/fear of being pushy )

Well, you ARE my mirror sister, after all! I'm happy to have you push. Push! I'm feeling a bit Pigletty and could use a push.

Surrender, trust, abundance, vitality, deserving..... Deserving for sure is resonating, the whole thing about I don't deserve help.

I personally see something here for you in the area of - *receiving* - actually choosing a "less active" way of being, that can support desired results related to abundance and vitality. Something about the feminine energy (yin, I mean) and perhaps belief(s) associated with that state of receiving - is any of this resonating?

It's funny that you say this, because the quality that was inspiring me, the condition that I described, that sexy-creative-bold-wild-rocketfuel-super-dynamo-willing Oprah/Branson-like receptiveness doesn't feel yin exactly to me, but it does end with "receptiveness"! It's a bit of a contradiction, except it isn't.

It's like: I want to stop hiding! I want to promote my business more, I want to make more of a positive difference, I want more of the loveliest feeling in the world, which is the feeling I get when I get to be present at someone's breakthrough. I want to not feel like I'm more trouble than I'm worth, and not have to struggle to BE more value than I cost. you know?

Urghh. My stomach is rumbly and grumbly. I feel something brewing, and I'm feeling uncomfortable.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Tanja

This….this …..exactly! This is how I’ve been feeling! But couldn’t find the right words….


And what do you mean by pushy?
Pushing yourself?
Pushy towards others?

Both -- pushing myself so hard that i pay too high a price -- like getting a hernia. Pushy towards others so that they feel like they pay too high a price, like.... I'm not sure exactly. Just suffering me to live, I guess.

Does being pushy mean you’re trouble?

yes

Has being pushy been worth it sometimes?

yes. i just saw that in that other thread, where I saw that I'd been bugging ssandra for over a year and a half.

Wishing you a breakthrough soon

Thanks. I feel like I'm in the middle of a breach birth.

[rei]

In case it wasn't clear, what I mean by the area of receiving - it is difficult to actually allow the universe to deliver our heart's desires in some area when we are continually in an active, outward-focused (giving) mode.

Learned that myself. I set an intention related to material abundance and was gently, lovingly encouraged to bring more focus on myself, on receiving, instead of giving more than receiving. (Basically to create more balance between what I offer and what I accept for myself.) Gee, I seem to not have much clarity in expressing it. BUT perhaps this is related to the contradiction you just described??

But when your hands are directed outward, providing many gifts to others, there is not a hand available to accept the gift being offered to yourself. Again, this feels fuzzy but is the gist of what I'm getting at.

How often do you receive, Angela? How often do you have glorious, indulgent me time? How does it feel to consider, say, an entire day where you only do what you want to do, for you, perhaps some resting or a private spa experience where it's all about you?

Hmm, dinner is calling - I will be back

[Angela]

Thank you from my bottom to my heart, ZHereford.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by rei

In case it wasn't clear, what I mean by the area of receiving - it is difficult to actually allow the universe to deliver our heart's desires in some area when we are continually in an active, outward-focused (giving) mode.

That's so hard, when I'm so busy trying to prove that I'm not more trouble than I'm worth. That's a big job, you know!

Learned that myself. I set an intention related to material abundance and was gently, lovingly encouraged to bring more focus on myself, on receiving, instead of giving more than receiving. (Basically to create more balance between what I offer and what I accept for myself.) Gee, I seem to not have much clarity in expressing it. BUT perhaps this is related to the contradiction you just described??

But when your hands are directed outward, providing many gifts to others, there is not a hand available to accept the gift being offered to yourself. Again, this feels fuzzy but is the gist of what I'm getting at.

How often do you receive, Angela? How often do you have glorious, indulgent me time? How does it feel to consider, say, an entire day where you only do what you want to do, for you, perhaps some resting or a private spa experience where it's all about you?

Hmm, dinner is calling - I will be back

Yeah. I get what you're saying. The indulgent me time is not a problem for me, I think, because I do that when I'm in hiding, and it doesn't cost anyone else anything. It's when I'm costing someone else something that it's a problem -- THEN I'm more trouble than I'm worth. It's just that the idea of declaring an intention or saying an affirmation that I am receiving and accepting feels very contrary to that gremlin. He's very growly about that.

Ugh. My stomach feels awful. I feel like an alien is about to pop out of my abdomen.

[Sasha]

I am sorry you're going through this. A few things come to mind reading your posts and I am just going to throw them out there.
Somewhere on this forum someone wrote that to start LoA is to meditate, understand that where and who you are right now is good (feel appreciation for that etc.; you know what I mean). Maybe meditate on that for some time.
Start writing things out as they come to mind; keep your notes/journal and read through them. That way, you'll have a distance and maybe something becomes obvious.
Reading your posts I get great confusion, total turmoil, can you tell yourself to "breath" and maybe "think" through this rather than feel? You know, "rational" your feelings, examine them etc?
Maybe get some quiet time in your heart and mind; not externally. But a bubble bath is always a good idea (as rei said; do something for YOU, give to yourself).
Keep us updated. BTW, you are so worth it. That person had alterior motives for saying this (my personal opinion).

[rei]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's so hard, when I'm so busy trying to prove that I'm not more trouble than I'm worth. That's a big job, you know!

Oh yeah, I know - a huge job!

Originally Posted by Angela

Yeah. I get what you're saying. The indulgent me time is not a problem for me, I think, because I do that when I'm in hiding, and it doesn't cost anyone else anything. It's when I'm costing someone else something that it's a problem -- THEN I'm more trouble than I'm worth. It's just that the idea of declaring an intention or saying an affirmation that I am receiving and accepting feels very contrary to that gremlin. He's very growly about that.

Ugh. My stomach feels awful. I feel like an alien is about to pop out of my abdomen.

Ooh getting closer!

What is so unappealing about declaring that you are receiving and accepting? Costing someone else makes me-focused time a problem... what is the message you have told yourself about this?

What feelings come up for you around the idea of deserving all the treasures of the universe?

[Angela]

Great advice. I'm going for a walk. Thanks.

[Sasha]

[I'm seeing a limiting belief -- a little gremlin -- that has had me very stopped in getting results. I've been trying to prove that I'm not more trouble than I'm worth and at the same time trying to avoid people finding out that I AM more trouble than I'm worth. I'm exhausted just saying that.[/QUOTE]

Are you trying to prove this to other people or yourself?
You don't need to prove anything to others; if it's to yourself; why? Have you asked this "feeling" what would constitute "prove"?

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Angela

pushing myself so hard that i pay too high a price -- like getting a hernia. Pushy towards others so that they feel like they pay too high a price, like....

So, what would happen if you were less pushy? You think you would cause less trouble? Does that mean you'd be more worth?
Could you get the same results for yourself and others without being pushy?

Originally Posted by Angela

Thanks. I feel like I'm in the middle of a breach birth.

Funny that, that's how I was born
Butt first

Originally Posted by Angela

It's when I'm costing someone else something that it's a problem -- THEN I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

The costing part made me think of ''deserving''....

Originally Posted by Angela

Ugh. My stomach feels awful. I feel like an alien is about to pop out of my abdomen.

Heh, I'm running out of questions (my blank problem again), but I'm giving you a virtual hug

[Jim Freeman]

* * *



A gigantic black hole has been recently observed in the space of the forums. It's been so powerful it could attract most of the forum's stars and lights and literally absorb them all, especially in the last two days, causing a huge collapse in their gravitational powers. It's been confirmed that this black hole, RC666, is occupying the center of the Intention-Manifestation galaxy. Astronomers therefore expect more and more stars to gradually show up here in this Emotional Mastery constellation as a natural reaction for healing and recovery. Bizarre phenomena, including angelic odd appearances, may as well be observed.



____________________________________

CAUTION: Emotional Mastery constellation is frequently reported to be itself full of small black holes. Please approach with extreme caution. Even the reporter just burned his own fingers last week or so.

* * *

[Tanja]

Jim Freeman, LOL
So, do you need healing and recovery as well?

[Jim Freeman]

* * *


Sure. I've been around anyway. lol

* * *

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Angela

I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for, except maybe a generous ear and some feedback?

And yes, seriously -- I'd have to look back, but I believe those were the very words used: "You're more trouble than you're worth."

Oh Angela! I am so sorry that you are hurting right now! I am thinking about you and sending you some SERIOUS loving vibes my friend.

You don't even need to hear this from me because you KNOW the truth and the truth is that you are very, very worthy. Flick that nasty Gremlin right off of there!

I don't know if you will remember this post, but not to long ago you posted something about how you are an "Internal Validater" and you know what Angela? Those words of yours really resonated with me. Many, many times I have thought of those words and really worked at implementing that action in my life. If it hadn't been for your "pushiness", I would not have learned that idea on that day and I wouldn't have had the little triumphs and miracles that I have had since then.

Can you even begin to imagine the amount of people that YOU have had a positive effect on right here in these forums????

Angela, seriously, YOU are one of my gratitude's.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Can you even begin to imagine the amount of people that YOU have had a positive effect on right here in these forums????

Agree
Made me look at my reactions as helpful signs where I can get the learnings and not to mention that I get value from any of your posts...(as you're talking about worth).

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Sasha

Are you trying to prove this to other people or yourself?
Have you asked this "feeling" what would constitute "prove"?

Both.

You don't need to prove anything to others

My grown-up, figuring-it-out mind knows that, but it doesn't feel true, know what I mean?

if it's to yourself; why?

So I can assure myself I am worth being here.

Have you asked this "feeling" what would constitute "prove"?

No -- I only just distinguished it. But I think it's probably a bottomless pit -- I don't think there's enough proof in the world to convince me.

(I had a very nice walk, by the way -- thanks for that good advice.)

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jim Freeman

* * *

Jim, I'm not sure what that all meant, but it made me smile anyway!

[Angela]

Honey and Tanja, ok, gonna have a good cry now! Thank you.