self esteem locked in the past

[mrlkh2007]

helo everyone i'm new to the forum. I really need your help. I've suffered for 5 hard long years now since i was 20 and i can't take much more.
It all started when i got angry with my neighbours. I got so angry they tried to intimidate me and it wound me up. Anyway i could'nt shake off these feelings and it was on my mind all the time. I didn't like the area so i helped my family move. Anyway we eventually moved however i felt that i had made a big mistake and had in some way ran away from things. I beat myself up inside all the time and felt inadequate for running away, i realise now that this had affected my self esteem. So i beat myself up for over 4 years until i eventually cracked this and got over it. However a year after moving i called my old neighbours to make ammends. He said i should go to the doctors. I spoke to him a few days later and told him the doctor said i had fear and anxiety, now i am beating myself up over this, i feel that i should never of given him this information, i feel so inadequate it's hrrible, i just get over the moving and i'm still not free. I keep thinking "you idiot you told him you had anxiety and fear what an idiot, how pathetic" i was scared at the time, scared of myself. How can i use the future to get my self esteem back??

[Greek Dog]

Start by forgiving yourself. Acknowledge that you are in a different place today. Each time you feel the fear or anxiety repeat an affirmation or an intention that acknowledges your regained confidence and power.

Concentrate on your confidence and power. Let that replace thoughts and experiences and memories of fear.

[TheFlyingMan]

Well if you've beaten yourself up for years, you should start switching - every time you think of something that you beat yourself up over, stop thinking immediately. Start watching your breath, that will occupy your mind so no thoughts can come in. Relax your body.

It's a bad habit that can be broken, but you do need a bit of continued practise to undo a bad habit that has been around for so long.

Try looking at yourself in the mirror everyday and telling yourself "I love you", or if you are outside, put your hand over your heart and say it quietly. It'll start to undo all the negative things that you've been telling yourself as well.

I'm not pushing my blog, but I've written more comprehensively on this - having beat myself up for years as well and getting over it. Check out my emotional mastery section if you want.

[mrlkh2007]

Thank you for your replies. So do you think that is the only way to get over this to forget about it? I feel like i need to use the future to rectify the past some how to feel good about myself once again, i keep trying to work it out in my head. I can't believe this has happened to me, i would never have thought it in a million years. I think beating yourself up and low self esteem are so painful and thinking that you can't undo what is makin you feel like this is very frightening. It's the worst thing ever, you can't eat, you feel sick all the time, your back and neck have pain in them, you look ill you, can't be bothered to do anything it's horrible. Mine is all over a couple of words i said three years ago. It's so frustrating

[ellie]

Oh I understand where you are coming from.

I've just written a post up, about something that happened to me recently.

The thing is mines deep rooted as well.

I remember the first trigger, ithappened when I was working as a casual sales assistant through highschool. My manger was absouloutly horrible, she was only 24 and she was some nasty piece of work. Nearly every week a staff member would leave (I couldn't believe upper management didn't notice). Anyway, the thing I am really into justice and I knew what she was doing was wrong and I did want to stand up to her. The only thing that was holding me back was, the "what ifs". Like what if, she lies to upper management when I dob her in, what if I don't get a reference, what happens if she's really vengful".

So of course I didn't stand up for myself and you know what I have always regretted it. I've always regretted her getting the better of me.

However, I still see the same habbits in myself and have yet to conquer my fear. Although, I think I'm getting a little bit better at it. I know I need to become more gutsy and overcome this fear.

I think I have to get to a point, where I never think of the "what ifs" and just do what is right.

I do feel once you conquer your fear, that it wont be such a big issue in your life.

For example, when I was younger I constantly got wierd, wacky, stalker type people coming up to me all the time and I was always as polite as I could be. Anyway, It was getting so bad (happening everyday), it was making me ill. So finally I had enough and I said the next person that comes up to me, I will be strong and tell them to "go away and don't talk to me".

You know what after that, I never had a wierdo coming up to me and I felt great!

[mrlkh2007]

I can't just forget about this otherwise i will feel bad for the rest of my life, i need to somehow get my self esteem back. Do you think going back and saying that i was afraid because i was so angry at you would resolve this, there must be something i an do to like myself again?

Thanks

[TheFlyingMan]

Hmm..
I think you just need more self love. So what if you just told your neighbours you have fear and anxiety? Can't you see it is your low self esteem that is telling you, you need other people to accept you?

(I'm not holier-then-thou, I'm still on this journey myself, but I was in your shoes before, so sorry ifthis comes across a bit harsh.)

The only person you need to accept you is yourself. No matter what you do, no matter what happens, love yourself. Put your hand over your heart and tell yourself "I love you". Or "I love myself" if that works.

Once you accept and love yourself totally, the opinions of others won't mean as much. (Of course you can't turn into a sociopath, but you know what I mean).

It's great that you have already identified the cause of your problems, I lived for years without knowing why I was living in fear.

Check out this article for more:
Personal Development - The teachings of the Urban Monk » Blog Archive » Happiness: What is your relationship to you? Part 1

[Greek Dog]

I learned the lesson Flying Man is trying to impart after many years of trying to get the other person to understand me. After 20 + years I finally understood - it is about ME understanding me not about the other person.

There is a paradox here - the more you try to get someone to understand (the needier you are) the less likely it is to happen. You (I) need this former neighbor to understand because you (I) don't fully understand yourself.

Cut out the middleman - figure yourself out and you will no longer need to demonstrate yourself to someone else.

BTW - you are not being advised to "forget it". You are being advised to substitute these self-condemning thoughts with healthier, more productive thoughts. Imagine yourself forgiven and in good stead with this person. You will be surprise how this will mend the fence without a formal reconciliation process.

[mrlkh2007]

Thankyou Greek dog. When i said what i said i was scarred because i felt so bad about myself and knew that i could never change the past, therefore i was stuck feeling bad about myself forever. For some reason i wanted him to know i was afraid cos i was desperate for some body to help me. I thought the answer lied with them. I told him anxiety and fear after speaking on the phone a few times, because after speaking the first time it didn't resolve what i thought it would as the problem was about how i felt about myself for moving (running) away. It was only a few months ago that i realised that i did the right thing when i moved, i accepted it and realised i didn't make a mistake and realised that saying what i said to him was the mistake. I opened myself up to him and showed a weakness. I should have said anger. i keep saying this in my head because i feel if i had said this then i wouldn't be feeling like i do now with such low self esteem. So now it's like my subconcious mind is keep trying to tell me to turn this into a positive, to try and make the next move to recover my self esteem once more. But i don't know what i have to do? I wish this had never happened to me, it's so unfair, i would never hurt a fly, i just wish i had my self esteem back. Please help.
Thankyou for taking the time to help me, thanks

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by mrlkh2007

Thankyou Greek dog. When i said what i said i was scarred because i felt so bad about myself and knew that i could never change the past, therefore i was stuck feeling bad about myself forever. For some reason i wanted him to know i was afraid cos i was desperate for some body to help me. I thought the answer lied with them. I told him anxiety and fear after speaking on the phone a few times, because after speaking the first time it didn't resolve what i thought it would as the problem was about how i felt about myself for moving (running) away. It was only a few months ago that i realised that i did the right thing when i moved, i accepted it and realised i didn't make a mistake and realised that saying what i said to him was the mistake. I opened myself up to him and showed a weakness. I should have said anger. i keep saying this in my head because i feel if i had said this then i wouldn't be feeling like i do now with such low self esteem. So now it's like my subconcious mind is keep trying to tell me to turn this into a positive, to try and make the next move to recover my self esteem once more. But i don't know what i have to do? I wish this had never happened to me, it's so unfair, i would never hurt a fly, i just wish i had my self esteem back. Please help.
Thankyou for taking the time to help me, thanks

We have memory, but that priviledge should not be abused. Memory serves as a tool for us to learn from the past so we can avoid making mistakes in the future. What you are doing is replying a constant memory without learning from it. It is not productive. How is beating yourself up going to help you?

The steps you took towards him were good in that you wanted to make amends and bury any animosity between you two so you could have peace. His response to you is not reflective of your action. What did you do? You called a person with whom you had rocky relations with to make amends. Acknowledge this. You didn't call him up to curse at him but to reconcile.

Judging by what you shared, it seems that you should also concentrate on changing your self-talk. Calling yourself an idiot and saying what you did was pathetic isn't helping you. Positive affirmations help in correcting this. Change the way you talk to yourself - be positive and hopeful.

"I can find peace within myself."
"I made a mistake in the past, but I learn from my mistakes and correct my behavior to yield positive results."
"I accept my shortcomings and work on improving them."
...etc.

[mrlkh2007]

Thankyou Lychee for your reply. It's not the making ammends part that hurts inside it is the fact that i told him fear and anxiety and i don't know why, it's like my subconcious won't let it go and i wish i could know of the life in which i didn't say those words. I feel so ashamed and i feel like everybody knows what i said it's so embarrassing and humiliating but there is nothing i can do to change it. I don't mind admitting fear, i quite like it infact, however i feel like i shouldn't of opened up to them. What should i say in my mind to correct this? It's like i now have to explain myself to these people cos they will be thinking that i am nuts or a wimp. I need to find the positive. I told him that the doctor said it "was" anxiety and a bit of fear, however the doctor could have been wrong, even so, i feel like i should have never told them this info and continue to beat myself up, i don't know i'm totally stuck. Another thing is i feel like i am constantly being judged by these people even tho i never see them? why do you think this is? I hope i don't feel like this forever, it's killing me

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by mrlkh2007

Thankyou Lychee for your reply. It's not the making ammends part that hurts inside it is the fact that i told him fear and anxiety and i don't know why, it's like my subconcious won't let it go and i wish i could know of the life in which i didn't say those words. I feel so ashamed and i feel like everybody knows what i said it's so embarrassing and humiliating but there is nothing i can do to change it. I don't mind admitting fear, i quite like it infact, however i feel like i shouldn't of opened up to them. What should i say in my mind to correct this? It's like i now have to explain myself to these people cos they will be thinking that i am nuts or a wimp. I need to find the positive. I told him that the doctor said it "was" anxiety and a bit of fear, however the doctor could have been wrong, even so, i feel like i should have never told them this info and continue to beat myself up, i don't know i'm totally stuck. Another thing is i feel like i am constantly being judged by these people even tho i never see them? why do you think this is? I hope i don't feel like this forever, it's killing me

Ah...well, you told him what you told him. What was meant to happen happened. I doubt that everyone knows what you said. If you opened up to him and you feel it was a mistake, first accept that it was a mistake. It is not expected of you to be perfect all the time. After you've accepted that you've made a mistake, forgive yourself and move on. If you believe your subconscious mind has control over you, change your subconscious mind. The best way to do so is through powerful emotion and repetition.

You are extremely self-conscious right now because of your confusion and disappointment in yourself (which is why you feel you are being judged by others). If you never see them and these people aren't really in your life anyway, does it really matter to you whether they are judging you are not? Does their judgment affect you in anyway? Maybe you want to be accepted so you're concerned about what people think of you. But have you really accepted yourself? Have you really sat down with yourself and gone through exactly what you are feeling and accepted the past?

The only thing that is affecting you is your assumption of their judgment. This assumption is only deteriorating your self-esteem even more. If you want to change the direction in which you are going (the negative direction), change your course by going in the positive direction. The best thing to do would be to dismiss the negative thoughts which are plaguing your mind and resolve to think positively. Occupy your mind with a hobby you are good at and enjoy yourself. Acknowledge your accomplishments. You are focusing on negative experiences in your life without appreciating the positive. Once you start to appreciate the positive, gradually you will shift to a positive state and you can build on that.

[Dietrie]

1. Everyone in the world is concerned more about themselves and their own lives than the people they are dealing with (with the exception of me, you and the many others on this forum who are struggling to find their own self-importance.)

2. The only way you can fix the past, is to start making positive changes towards the future.

3. The only way. ONLY WAY!!!!! You can make this better is if you forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the feelings of guilt, fear, inadequacy, etc that you have felt in relation to the incident. Everyone else has said this... I am repeating it because sometimes we need to hear things a few times for it to really hit home.

First, forgive yourself. Then, love yourself, and accept yourself. THEN you can begin to move forward. If you do not feel strongly rooted in yourself, if you do not believe in yourself, that you are loved and lovable (even if by nobody but yourself) then you will forever be stuck in the past.

Do you want to continue to relive the past, or do you want to build yourself up and work towards a better future? My guess is that your answer lies in yourself (of course it does). So... now it is up to you.

CHOOSE to forgive yourself, to love yourself, and then to move on from the past. Decide that you want to be happy instead of living life as the "sorry-man". It stinks, I know.

I had one entire day lately of a full blown panick attack. I was worrying over causing strife for a landlord who has not been a great landlord to us, who has caused me and my family a LOT of stress and discomfort through her neglect.

Finally, I realized... she probably doesn't even give a crap! And she never did from the start. All she cares about is selling this house, and all I cared about was making her happy. What a stupid way to live! We have always been good tenants, so instead of beating myself up about moving out, I decided that I would CELEBRATE!!! the fact that we've finally bought our first house, we are leaving behind a very stressful living situation, and I decided that:
1. I come first, am loyal to me first, love myself first so that I can
2. Love my family, be loyal to my family and properly care for my family and

everyone else just kind of falls into place beyond that where they need to be. Meaning, those beyond my partner and kids are either loved and important or are basically people I "deal" with as they are a necessary part of my life for the moment. I try to be "win-win" as much as possible, which helps, but really deciding that ME, and my family comes first, has helped to calm me, and center me tremendously.

I hope everyone here has inspired you somehow. Fear, and guilt, and all that other crap really stinks. Please, try to be positive and look forward, and most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF!! It's the greatest gift you could give yourself. Then you can learn what it feels like to have more GOOD days than bad.
Love and peace to you!

[mrlkh2007]

Thanks for your replies and your help. I can't believe this is happening to me, i used to have really high self esteem would you believe so i know what it's like to feel really good and this is so frustrating. I would love to know what i did so bad to deserve this?? The last 5 years has been plagued by this, what a shame. I met this girl 9 months ago who i am with and she is amazing but i wish i felt good for her. I wish i could like myself again. I really really can't accept what has happened as part of my life, i've tried so hard but i can't let it go. Is there no way i ccan try and turn this around and make it into a positive, something i can do or say? I'm so afraid that i will have to live the rest of my life in this pain, everyday is filled with anxiety and these thoughts. Martin

[Dietrie]

Originally Posted by mrlkh2007

I wish i could like myself again. I really really can't accept what has happened as part of my life, i've tried so hard but i can't let it go.

I know it feels as though you can't but you have realize that you are making a CHOICE to be stuck in that moment.

Once you decide to take responsibility for your life, for your own actions and reactions, THEN you will be empowered. Then you will be able to find happiness in realizing that it's a choice.

Believe me, it is possible. I have come from severe depression and suicidal tendancies, debilitating anxiety, addictions and a massive inferiority complex... It took a hell of a lot of work to do this for myself, and by myself but like I said, it's worth it in the end.
Do you want to be victimized by the past, or do you want to be happy?
Holding a grudge against anyone, or any event, just binds you even stronger to that which you are trying to tear away from. If you are focusing on all the negatives then it will continue to cause you pain in your life.

For now I would work on changing your internal dialogue. Write it down and then memorize it and tell yourself daily.
Forgive, love and accept yourself. Say to yourself, "I forgive myself and I love myself, and I accept the past for what it has taught and shown me and now I accept myself completely." Or anything at all along those lines.

Even if you don't believe it, keep telling yourself. Tell yourself to the point that you've changed your internal dialogue and you WILL believe it. It's not exactly a "bed of roses" on the "other side" but... I will say this: I have never been so happy and so productive in my life!
You can do it too!!! Don't sell yourself short. You only can't if you think you can't.

[Dietrie]

And one more thing... You can't change what has been done or said in the past. So what are you accomplishing by dwelling on it?
Nothing but hurting yourself and holding yourself back from your full potential.

The only thing you can change now is the next moment, and the next, and every moment into the future. Every moment spent on negative feelings is a moment that you could have been feeling happy and doing positive things. Happiness and healing is not something that is just going to fall in your lap. You need to do the work and the world will most likely meet you halfway.

[NDavid]

Hi there,

Damn 5 years? I feel for you. You said you were a confident guy before, well what changed in you that makes you now rely on other peoples' opinions to fill that void in yourself? Think of it this way, if you rely on these particular people's acceptance for your self esteem, what's going to happen in the long run? Won't you be inclined to rely on the acceptance and high opinion of people you meet later on in your life? If that happens then you'll always be knocked back down to your current emotional low whenever people you meet throughout your life have a low opinion of you. Now I'm not saying that it's not a good thing for people to have a high opinion of you, but your self esteem should only be based on your own opinion of yourself.

If you feel low, it should only be because you feel ashamed that something you did conflicts with your morals or who you are, not because it doesn't make you look great in other people's eyes. Remember that alot of the time, people's reactions and problems to petty things just let you know that they have some internal conflict within themselves. Why beat yourself up over that?

Also, it could be that fate is trying to point out a flaw in your character that was there before but only revealed by the conflict you had with your neighbours. Maybe the reason you can't let go is because you haven't dealt with that issue in yourself. Remember that problems are there to let us discover ourselves and to overcome our flaws to become better people. Definitely have a read of the following article by Steve on overcoming problems with people

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...relationships/

Best of luck to you, :-)

NDavid

[mrlkh2007]

Where do i go from here David? I feel so ashamed and humiliated, honest to god. I can't just forget about this, i've tried and tried. If i try to forget about it i seem to surpress it and don't deal with it, i have to do something to deal with this, think of my next move? I don't know??

[NDavid]

mrlkh2007,

I'm going to think about this for a bit and get back to you tomorrow mate. Hang in there :-)

NDavid

[decterlove]

is stored or triggered so far deep below the conscious mind that merely "making a decision" to forgive yourself is not effective enough...

there are a number of mind/body/soul techniques that might pull up some of those roots....try googling energy field therapy or thought field therapy for starters..............and just be detached but persistent.....it's always something!

[mrlkh2007]

Thanks. Cheers david for helping me. If you can figure this one out i will fly over to where ever you live and buy you a pint of beer or 10 lol! I need to turn this around into a positive for my self esteems sake which i have learned is probably the most critical thing in a persons life for happiness.
speak to you soon. My email address is martin.riches2@btinternet.com

[mrlkh2007]

Has anybody else got anything else to add?