Not wanting to let go of anxiety (Anxiety = motivation?)

[dominick]

I've recently came to the conclusion that there is a big part of me that doesn't want to let go of anxiety that I experience and I wanted to see whether others have experienced this. I've had anxiety off and on over the last decade and what I've noticed is that the times during which the anxiety has been the strongest have been the times that I've grown the most. I place an extremely high value on growth so over time the association in my brain has been formed that "anxiety = growth".

This seems neither healthy nor sustainable of course. While most of the time I can keep the anxiety manageable there have been times when it has caused me to be counter-productive, to self-sabotage, etc. And I also don't have a "peace of mind" feeling very often. So while part of me wants to move past anxiety (and it seems that I know the things I can do to do that) there is a part that seems to be consciously hanging onto anxiety because I know that it fuels my growth.

So that's the dilemma I'm currently facing. Being "anxiety-free" (or largely so) would have some great benefits but there's a concern that a life without anxiety would mean a life without growth, or at least, with less growth than I am incapable of. But if I carry out to its logical end then the highest growth life I could live would be the one with the most anxiety and I'm pretty sure that's now what I want.

Any thoughts?

[ethereal]

When I read your story it just seems to me that maybe you've incorrectly placed a cause-effect relationship between your anxiety and growth when there is only correlation.

Perhaps the reason why you grew so much during the times of most anxiety, is that you've experienced and released all of that anxiety out of your system and became a different person. Your growth may be from a release of anxiety, rather than maintaining or increasing anxiety.

Take for example, approaching girls and dating (I assume you're a straight guy, lol). If you practice doing it, going out and socializing and talking to girls, you will probably find that anxiety and nervousness are through the roof, at least in the beginning. Over time you will see that you have changed and became more social-savvy and more confident, and you may think, "this growth came because I was experiencing all that anxiety" when in reality the growth came because of other factors, including releasing a lot of that anxiety.

Not sure if this applies to your situation, but just what came to mind.

Also, I'm not sure if you're into spirituality, but there is this good book called "Power vs. Force" by Dr. Hawkins that explains the difference between ego-driven will and effort vs. the Power of Divinity. Some examples may be alcoholics or drug users who are addicted and cannot quit through their own efforts, but going to AA or having a spiritual experience or hitting bottom and surrendering to God allowed for a spontaneous healing and they never felt addicted ever again. Another one is Gandhi, one person with just the simple message of non-violence and independence, vs. the entire British military and authority and ideology. That is a clear example of power vs. force.

Using anxiety as motivation for growth seems like it is very stressful and effortful, and while it may have a lot of energy to it, a lot of force, it probably lacks in true power to make changes.

[The Cloud]

You're right that you only experience anxiety in order to get something out of it. It's not something happening to you, and it's not something being forced on you. You can't let it go until you know what it is that you're holding onto.

It's not the anxiety that is the problem. It is what you're trying to achieve by that anxiety which needs to be let go. As long as you think the things that anxiety is gaining you are good, then you'll keep using anxiety to gain them.

[Piercetheveil]

It's not the anxiety that is the problem. It is what you're trying to achieve by that anxiety which needs to be let go. As long as you think the things that anxiety is gaining you are good, then you'll keep using anxiety to gain them

Oh and there is massive gain. Then when wanting to stop there are habitual patterns to overcome and you would think this would take massive time but it does not.

I had close to 28 years of mental torture (and I do not use that lightly). Within a few weeks it was gone. I still get some residual drive to get back into the pattern when I am needing the pay off (hey it was a sure fire method) but rarely stay in it more than a little bit.

One day I looked back and wondered, "WTF was all that about?" I will even attempt to get back there again on purpose but my brain rewired and it is senseless to my brain. Just as it made only sense to be anxious at one time.

Opening everything up was my answer. I shed light on everything then used meditation to watch it all unfold.

I am incredibly calm and worry free.

[Greek Dog]

I once could have written your opening post but over time I was hit with a series of huge losses: relationships, support, financial and via death to name only a few and then anxiety rather than spur me forward actually shut me down. In the years since I have worked my way out and along that journey I realized that the generalized anxiety was like driving with my brake on but occassionally I would get surges of epinephrin that shot me forward and consequently I felt productive. But really, I was wearing myself down further and further. When I finally, through a number of techniques, found way to get out from under the anxiety it was as though the real energy, the real motivation had been oppressed and unable to flourish.

So I truly believe that if you will deal with the anxiety now that you will find that it was actually more hidrance than help and that you will have access to your will when you want it rather than when anxiety kicks into overdrive.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Anxiety is mostly fear-based, so maybe you are a darkworker if it motivates you? I'm just throwing out a suggestion here. If the anxiety you are feeling is basically being out of your comfort zone, it is not too severe I hope. It seems like this is something you are attached to, anxiety. It can be very motivating, but is it motivating you for the right reasons? That is the question you should ask yourself.

[dominick]

Great thoughts. First off, I'm not happy/proud that anxiety could be a motivating factor. I think this may have happened subconsciously. I went through a fairly extreme spell of anxiety a few years back and during that time I was reading voraciously, working out a ton, improving my diet, etc. Everything I could think to do to rid myself of that anxiety.

Now as I look back I wonder if a part of me didn't equate that period (during which I learned so much, became healthier, etc.) with the anxiety that I was feeling. Because of that correlation it would be easy to fall back into anxiety if the recognition was "anxiety = increase in growth".

I've had the same issues with money as well. The times that I'm most motivated to make money are those in which I'm closest to going belly up. When I'm in a period where money is more abundant then I tend to not worry about money as much, work less hard and enjoy other non-revenue producing areas of life.

What I'm looking to move towards is a state where I can feel fulfilled, happy and largely anxiety-free and yet also very motivated to achieve and serve others. I know that state is possible as many others are there (or at least claim to be there) but I still haven't fully formed how to consciously move in that direction. Motivation is easy for me when things aren't going well. Less so when they are.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by dominick

Motivation is easy for me when things aren't going well. Less so when they are.

Is motivation good, then, if it's created by anxiety? Perhaps you have to stop relying on motivation of that kind if you want to be free of the anxiety that creates it.

[dominick]

Thanks The Cloud. As I mentioned before, ideally I'd like to not be relying on anxiety as my primary motivator. However, I think I've had a fear (subconsciously until just recently) that if the anxiety goes away so too will the motivation. And I'd rather live a life where anxiety is present but where I'm also full of motivation than one in which I have no anxiety but my motivation is lagging as well. (And I realize that I don't necessarily need to settle for one of those two alternatives.)

I do feel that what I'm going through is actually really common. For example, people tend to work harder when there's a fear they might lose their job. Again, not saying it's good but rather that fear/anxiety might be a much more common motivator than is commonly acknowledged which subconsciously may make some people "addicted" to fear and/or anxiety.

I also wonder what connection there might be to neurotransmitters in the brain. Dopamine is the "motivation neurotransmitter" and yet too much dopamine can create severe problems (the movie Awakenings is a great case study in this). For me it seems like the anxiety fuels dopamine surges which lead to periods of heightened motivation. However, when there is too much energy/excitement/anxiety it can lead to a crash, feelings of burnout and even self-destructive behavior.