can you change being overly sensitive?

[introspective1]

I am 24 and i have been getting beat up my whole life for letting things/comments get to me very easily. People tell me that i need to stop letting little comments get to me, such as when someone talks about me behind my back, asassinates my character, makes fun of me, or teases me. When ever someone makes a sarcastic joke towards me, it hurts me on the inside and i try to hide it by laughing at it even though i don't think it is funny (sorry i can not think in specifics right now). Some people tell me i need to learn how to take a joke. My whole life i have always not liked sarcasm or overly sarcastic people. It is a HUGE pet peeve. I hope i am not the only person that doesn't like sarcasm cause i feel like i am, most of the time. whenever someone gets sarcastic with me, i feel like they are trying to make me feel stupid for asking a question or stating something that seems obvious. I guess i don't know how to deal with sarcasm and it makes me feel stupid cause seems like most people can deal with it.

Whenever someone disagrees with a decision or action i do, then i get upset even though i know everyone will not agree with me all the time. I can't control my thoughts, i feel like. When someone says something that hurts me or makes me upset, i can't stop replaying that situation over and over again.

I guess i am just wondering...should i accept being highly sensitive(guess that's the right word) as being apart of my personality or is it something that i can change? Some people say i can change and some people say i shouldnt change because it is who i am..so i am getting mixed answers. HELP!!

[Michelle]

I think the answer lies in becoming more resilient as opposed to blocking off your sensitivity. The world needs sensitive people!

So, get yourself some good professional guidance, and work on your resiliency, inner strength and self-love.

It took me 3.5 years of therapy to get from feeling like a crying lump because of my sensitivity to a beautiful goddess, capable, intelligent and deserving of respect and love.

Make sure your therapist is a good one.

[Keith]

I suspect it matters why you are sensitive. If it is due to low self-esteem, that's not an intrinsic part of you - it's a habitual belief (and one that you are better off without).

OTOH, if you are naturally just an empathic person, that's not a bad thing.

Remember though, that some people just have the habit of expressing themselves sarcastically. It doesn't necessarily have any meaning to it beyond that...

[Greek Dog]

I have been very sensitive for most of my life but in the past few years have learned to overcome that. The first step - and it was a very big step - was to see that my sensitivity was not the problem but my reactions were. I recognized that people who were less sensitive were less constrained.

The next step was for me to decide that I wanted to be less reactive. It took me many, many years to get to this point. Previously I simple criticized those who were less sensitive even though I saw the benefits. It wasn't until I decided that I wanted to be less reactive that I actually began to change.

For over ten years I had heard people say, "Don't take things so personally." and finally I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (I think) and agreement #2 is Don't take things personally. It finally hit. Another phrase that helped me is "Neither take nor give offense." Think about that for a while.

I am still sensitive but I have learned to sublimate my sensitive "reaction" and I am very thankful.

[TheFlyingMan]

Hmm...in my case it was a mix of low self esteem and being empathetic. Here's what worked for me:

Think of this: If someone comes up to you and says "You're ugly cos you are bald!" (I'm assuming you have hair at your age) - then it won't affect you at all, because the problem is with the other person...they're blind or they can't see you properly.

Now if someone comes up to you and says something that hits closer to home - you are fat, stupid, nose is too big, whatever, - you might feel that it is true. That's more closely related to your self esteem, because you are sensitive to that.

Now if you are really obese to the point where it's dangerous to your health, or if it's a real flaw like having a fetish for stealing underwear, change it. But anything else, treat it like someone's calling you bald.

[Dani]

I second what greek Dog says,

Get some Toltec stuff into you, Don Miguel Ruiz is a great start. Toltec stuff removed most of my reactiveness to external influences.

[Antiventurecapital]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Whenever someone disagrees with a decision or action i do, then i get upset even though i know everyone will not agree with me all the time. I can't control my thoughts, i feel like. When someone says something that hurts me or makes me upset, i can't stop replaying that situation over and over again.

To put it bluntly, this is highly dysfunctional behavior which hurts only you. Most likely the people you interacted with forgot about it with 30 seconds while you continue to stew over it for days.

Life's short. How much of it do you want to waste in this pointless manner?

[Antiventurecapital]

All of us are sensitive as kids and most of us outgrow it eventually. I was sensitive into my mid 20s. Then it finally dawned on me that no cared. Everyone is focused exclusively on their own lives.

[rush23]

I had the same problem for most of my life. They could've put my picture next to dictionary entry for 'over-sensitive.' Nobody could say or do anything without me getting teary-eyed. The slightest remark set me off.

When I finally admitted that this was making my life hell, I decided to do something about it. It hasn't been easy - after countless of counselling sessions, self help books, a good dose of willpower and a lot of TLC and support from loved ones - I can finally say it isn't a problem anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still get the occasional teary eye, but I'm much better at handling it.

You see, it had to do with my self-esteem. My low self-esteem made it possible for me to react to external evaluations of myself. Once I learnt to base my self-value internally, the oversensitivity diminished. My story may seem cliche and it might not be for everyone, but I hope I can help those with similar experiences by sharing mine.

[mrlkh2007]

I think that you are only sensitive because there is something not right in your life, you have to work out what that is, most of the time it is the environment that you live in. If your subconcious mind thinks there is a problem somewhere in your life, you will be more sensitive as you are constantly slightly anxious, therefore any event that happens will seem a lot worse than it really is. So work out who or what in your life doesn't make you happy and try to change it. Once you have worked it out and changed it and feel more comfortable and secure, never ever give it up and go back to the way you were, you'll regret it. For instance my surroundings made me feel anxious and when i got out of this situation all my anxieties and insecurities went away and i felt amazing, but stupidly enough i went back to this environment, and now i can never find that happiness and security that i once had.

[mrlkh2007]

I think that you are only sensitive because there is something not right in your life, you have to work out what that is, most of the time it is the environment that you live in. If your subconcious mind thinks there is a problem somewhere in your life, you will be more sensitive as you are constantly slightly anxious, therefore any event that happens will seem a lot worse than it really is. So work out who or what in your life doesn't make you happy and try to change it. Once you have worked it out and changed it and feel more comfortable and secure, never ever give it up and go back to the way you were, you'll regret it. For instance my surroundings made me feel anxious and when i got out of this situation all my anxieties and insecurities went away and i felt amazing, but stupidly enough i went back to this environment, and now i can never find that happiness and security that i once had.

[armyofone05]

i have the exact same problem and it causes lots of arguments between me and my husband. i have to learn not to take things to heart. if they meant it, it wouldn't be the joking manner. i totally hate sarcasm as well, though i tend to do it back to try and defend myself when they shoot me down. don't let anyone get to you. you are the only person who can make you feel bad. we shouldn't let anyone else control that aspect of our life.

[Safferbeauty]

I have this exact same problem. I take things too personally when I know i shouldn't. I try not to. I wanna change!!!!

[Pegasus]

When a person is acting sarcastic, usually it is his own issue, not yours. Have you noticed the people most likely to call you too sensitive tend to be the ones who are rude and inconsiderate?

When someone disagrees with you, one way to look at it is, “She is entitled to her opinion.” You are entitled to your opinion, too. We all base opinions on our life experiences and the life experiences of others, as well as books we read, etc. Since we all have different experiences and perceptions, it is not surprising that we express them differently.

[Julia.Ru]

I'm almost 24 and I've had the same problem all my life. What I recently realized is the following.

First, all people are probably equally sensitive. If you offend them, they are offended no matter of their character, whether they show this or not.

Second, no one takes anything too close to their heart, no one exaggerates anything just because others didn't really want to hurt their feelings. If you feel hurt - they meant it, if you feel offended - they wanted to offend you and succeded, if you feel upset because of their sarcasm - they wanted to be sarcastic towards you and upset you.

They do this on purpose and that leads to the third point: people often feel the need to booster their self-esteem and too often they do it by lowering someone else's. Usually they "train" on people with low self-esteem, they don't risk doing it on people with high-esteem being afraid to fail.

This leads to my general conclusion: people who are considered sensitive are just those with low self-esteem and just exposed to offence much more often and that is certainly very unpleasant. So the main question, in my opinion, is HOW TO LEARN TO DEFEND ONESELF, so that next time when someone tries to offend you, to "train" on you, you can just send them off. Your feelings will definitely be hurt (like ANYONE's), but at least you'll make it clear to the offender that you are not his/her tool for training self-esteem. Thus the amount of offenders will become less and you will feel hurt less often. This way the word "sensitiveness" will become almost alien in your vocabulary.

P.S. Btw, introspective1, aren't you Cancerian?

[Green]

Hi introspective1,

For years i have hated in myself being sensitive and i have always related this to having low self confidence but recently when i get older and i saw that people around arent usually sensitive and most of the times they hurt people including me with their insensitivity i loved being sensitive this doesnt mean i should destroy my life and care so much about everybody's blame but it is really good that you can feel that you get hurt when someone offends you this means you have feelings and having feelings isnt a point of weakness it is also a strength just focus on the good side of being sensitive for instance you feel people around you, your family, your friends, your colleagues you will never offend someone or hurt his feelings or you will rarely do that and of course you will always be willing to apologize but dont let other people opinions take that huge part of your thoughts "i have always did by the way " but lately i believed no one is perfect no one should affect me by how he thinks about me, my life, or my ideas i shall pass the situation the second moment it ends i wont sit down and cry or let his words irritates me i am not perfect nobody is perfect i have my strong and weak points i ll be open to other's point of views but only if it is said in a respectful way if not and they are only offending me or intending to hurt me i wont care about them they arent respectful enough to pay them my attention .... i think you cant change being sensitive you can change the way you deal with the fact make use of its good side and love it because not everyone has this kind of feelings. and change your attitude towards anyone's blame or offense.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Julia.Ru

P.S. Btw, introspective1, aren't you Cancerian?

I know you didn't ask me, but I thought I'd just say that I, too, am quite sensitive and yes, cancerian.

[persephonevii]

Hey,

I used to be a really sensitive kid who cried at the drop of a hat too. Eventually I was sick of being the sooky, weak kid who cried a lot, so I stopped crying for a very long time. I would sit with the pain struggling with it and hating it, sometimes I would convert the pain into anger and lash out at someone.

Over time I learnt crying was okay but I still got really caught up over what people said, but I didn't cry as much. Instead I would just get directly hysterical and totally lose control, and hit someone, screw up their plans, anyway to feed my anger at being offended so.

So in the end, I reached this point. Yes, being criticized and bad-talked about hurts but I remind myself the problem lies with the person within. They hit me because of their own pain, kinda like how I physical and verbally abused people before when I supressed my pain about being bad-talked. Also, I try to remain calm. Sometimes that suceeds, sometimes it doesn't. Some people want you to get angry and hurt them, just to prove a point, get you into trouble, etc. And sometimes I ask the criticizer why they said what they said, sometimes they get miffed and make up some BS reason and walk off, but those with a genuine reason behind it will say why (this is especially applicable with constructive criticism). Those with BS reasons, do have their own issues and have just been caught out, don't like it and try to run away from you.

And appearing confident and strong helps too, the people who usually do this sorta stuff won't pick on you if you are like that. Your presence and strength frightens them. I came to this point largely through Steve's work on Subjective Reality. It is really helping me see old painful words and events in a far more liberating and relaxing light.

[Julia.Ru]

Originally Posted by persephonevii

And appearing confident and strong helps too, the people who usually do this sorta stuff won't pick on you if you are like that. Your presence and strength frightens them.

What's bad about appearing confident and strong is that you eventually get sick and tired of pretending and feeling like an actor/actress and not simply living and breathing. Sometimes you just want to be who you are, so you relax - and then they start picking on you again.

[DebInUSA]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here and this post caught my eye. This has been a really big problem with me throughout my life, too, and it seems to be an issue with most people, or at least it has been at some point in time, anyway. And if you are this way and haven't learned how to hide it yet like me, then watch out for the women with hormone changes! You will be the one they want to lash out at every time. I worked with one of these monsters for a while. The more down I get, too, and the more my self-esteem diminishes, the worse this gets. I think I've finally figured it out now, but the hard part will be figuring out how to not act, as others have said. I think the main thing is that almost all people are into themselves and could really care less about you, as someone else pointed out, with the exception of your mother, father, grandparents, and children. I was always a really deep-feeling person, though, and I think this is much of what really causes you to have low self-esteem. For instance, my mother had to take me out of Sunday school when I was a child because I told her my Sunday school teacher described heaven as being so beautiful that I was going to go jump in the river so I could go to this beautiful heaven. LOL! So, in my case, anyway, I think I was more sensitive than your average person.

[Liara Covert]

I've known people who were quick to go on the defensive. Through self-examination, they later discovered their low esteem may have resulted from having been highly-criticized and discouraged by parents, mentors and supposed friends. The previous suggestions make sense. Counselling may eventually help. Yet, you could begin with a closer self-assessment. Why do you think you feel the way you do? Are there any negative people in your life you could distance yourself from? Another idea is to join a group like Toastmaster's in order to meet regularly with people who encourage you and boost your confidence. As you take action to make positive changes, you'll feel better about yourself.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Julia.Ru

P.S. Btw, introspective1, aren't you Cancerian?

No, I am a libra

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Liara Covert

I've known people who were quick to go on the defensive. Through self-examination, they later discovered their low esteem may have resulted from having been highly-criticized and discouraged by parents, mentors and supposed friends. The previous suggestions make sense. Counselling may eventually help. Yet, you could begin with a closer self-assessment. Why do you think you feel the way you do? Are there any negative people in your life you could distance yourself from? Another idea is to join a group like Toastmaster's in order to meet regularly with people who encourage you and boost your confidence. As you take action to make positive changes, you'll feel better about yourself.

I think my low self-esteem has come from being highly-criticized and discouraged by parents and "friends". As a child, my father always scolded me about my decision making and made me feel as though i was a bad decision maker.

Yes, I do have some negative people in my life....my ex can be so negative sometimes, but sometimes he can be so positive ! I can't distance myself from him because he is my best friend and has helped me through some of my self-esteem issues, although we don't get along as lovers (long story!). It also seems that any people that attract as friends, except for one, are always negative, bitchy, gossip type people and this is not me at all, but "good" people dont tend to be interested in being my friend.

Btw, my last counselor tried to help me with this issue and sucked at it